by Lavinia Kent
Her fingers itched to touch it, to stroke it, but she knew they were still a long way from her touching him. Although…she looked down at the massage table that she’d bribed and wheedled from the sturdy-looking masseuse.
Clay didn’t say anything, just stood there and stared at her.
He was in a robe, and from the looks of it, nothing else.
The sight of his beard had distracted her enough that she hadn’t even noticed. Yet another impossibility made fact.
“You called for a massage?” She tried to keep her tone light, although her insides felt anything but. She wanted to beg him to forgive her, to try to explain the millions of things that she was feeling, to try to see if there was any way forward.
His look turned to a glare. “What did you do with Marta?”
Marta? Ah, that must be the masseuse’s name. “I didn’t really do anything. Well, I did empty my wallet and get the doorman to vouch for me. He remembered me. You must not have warned him that things had changed between us. I told Marta I wanted to surprise you for our one-month anniversary.”
“I really needed that massage.”
That was not promising. “Well, I’m here to deliver.”
“That’s not what I meant, Jordan.”
“I’m serious. I’m sure I can manage a good rubdown. I worked with Mark’s physical therapist. I know a few tricks.” There were at least two things wrong with that speech. She should never have mentioned Mark, and Clay clearly thought she meant something else by tricks. She was hoping to seduce him, but the offer of a massage was genuine.
“I’m really not in the mood for games, Jordan. You should go. You can leave the table with Roger, the doorman.”
This was not happening at all as she’d planned. “I’m sorry I sent Marta away. I guess I didn’t think it all the way through. I needed to see you and I wasn’t sure you’d let me in.”
Clay’s brows drew together. “Shouldn’t that have been my choice?”
He wasn’t going to cut her any slack, not that she blamed him. “Yes, it should have been. I’m sorry.”
“Then why don’t you leave, Jordan? You made it very clear the last time we spoke that there was nothing left for us to say. I’ve accepted that.”
It was so final. She almost turned to go, but this was too important. “I made a mistake, Clay. Can’t you allow me that? I don’t have experience with these things and so I overreacted. I’m sorry. I’m not used to arguing with people. It threw me.”
“So now you’re ready to forget the gossip, forget the nasty things people might say? That doesn’t sound like you.”
She hesitated. If she said yes, would he forgive her? They still had so much to talk about, but would he at least give her a chance?
No, she would be honest. “Amelia’s pregnant,” she blurted out unexpectedly.
“And that matters why?”
“I’d only just found out and it threw me. I mean, I’m going to be a grandmother and that made me feel old, made me feel that everything being said was true. God, I didn’t even realize that until this moment. And Amelia was having a fight with Alex, a silly one, as it turns out, but it all just left me feeling unsettled. And then trying to understand the gossip. I know I’ve told you how upsetting I found it when I first married Mark, how it ate at my confidence. I was letting myself revert to that same place, a place where I never felt quite good enough, important enough.”
“And that made it okay to act like I wasn’t important? I think you made your choice and now you have to live with it.” He started to turn away.
“Please…” She trailed off. And then she felt her own edge of anger. “Well, that goes two ways. You didn’t exactly make me feel like I was important, worth fighting for. You certainly gave in easily.”
He stopped turning, but didn’t say anything.
She tried to speak calmly. He was not without blame, but fighting with him would accomplish nothing. “I really am sorry, Clay. I was frightened. I felt like I was working at changing my life and suddenly it was all blowing up. I wanted you to tell me I was wrong, not just that I was being silly and overreacting, but that maybe we really had something between us, something that was worth exploring.”
“And you think that because of that I should simply forgive you?” The question was harsh, but his voice had softened.
“I hope you’ll at least try, that you’ll give me another chance.”
Before he could answer, a small whine came from the carrier at her feet.
“I let her out right before I came in, but I think Dolly needs to be walked again. I didn’t realize how small a puppy’s bladder could be.” She said the words slowly, her brain whirling. If she left, she wasn’t sure that Clay would ever let her in again. She bent down, taking Dolly out of the carrier and lifting her into her arms. The puppy instantly began to lick her face.
For a moment she focused on nothing except the puppy, the warm wiggly body, the soft fur and the floppy ears that seemed determined to tickle her nose. The squirming became more insistent.
There was some temptation to ignore it. It wasn’t like she wasn’t used to cleaning up puddles—and it might just serve Clay right. But she’d never been one to put her own needs first. She smiled wryly. Wasn’t that the heart of this whole problem? “Can I leave her stuff here?”
Clay shifted from foot to foot, debating. “You can take her out on the terrace. There’s a plot of grass there.”
Jordan hurriedly did so, not giving him a chance to change his mind.
A moment later she returned, the puppy much quieter in her arms. “Thank you.”
He shrugged. “You like her, then. I rather thought you would.”
“I love her.” She snuggled her face into the pup. “I might not have had her much more than a day, but already I can’t imagine my life without her. I’m sorry, I should have said thank you right away. I was planning to. I wasn’t going to ignore your generosity, but I wasn’t sure what to say after what had happened between us, and then Veronica came and she made me feel guilty, and even when she left I wasn’t sure and—”
“You’re rambling, Jordan.” He took a step closer. Was that a smile playing about his lips? Or merely her hopeful imagination?
“I know, but I’m scared that if I stop talking you’ll tell me to go again, so it’s easier to not stop and then maybe by the time I finally do stop you’ll have heard enough that you might possibly consider giving me another chance, although if I do keep talking, I have to figure out something to do with Dolly. She’s getting tired of being held. She’s so funny, she wants to be held all the time, only when I’m holding her she thinks she wants me to put her down to explore, but if I put her down, she looks at me like I’m cruel. And those eyes, I didn’t know that a dog could have such big brown eyes that make you feel guilty at the same time they make you feel like you’re the best thing that ever happened. Watch this.”
She put the puppy down. Dolly circled her once and then turned and sat, looking up at her with depthless pools of chocolate. “Do you see what I mean? I’m not sure I’m going to be able to get anything done while I have her. All I want to do is cuddle.”
He bent down and picked up Dolly, his face growing softer. “I’m glad you like her.”
“I really do.” She shut her lips before she could say more.
Clay gave a long and very audible sigh. He turned to the living room. “Come on in. It’s clear you’re not leaving unless I carry you out, and we both know that despite everything I’m not going to do that. Come and sit down. I suppose we can talk, although you may have already said it all.”
Keeping her mouth closed, Jordan followed. She was not going to say anything to change his mind.
Setting the puppy on the couch, he moved to pour two glasses of wine, not even asking if she wanted any.
But she did want
the wine, so again she said nothing.
The puppy jumped down from the couch and went to trail Clay as he poured.
“She doesn’t like to be left alone, not even for the time it takes to get a drink. It makes me feel so guilty if she’s sleeping. I’ll be convinced she’s out cold, but the minute I move she follows. Sometimes—”
“Are you going to ramble on again?” Clay handed her the wine, and scooping up the puppy, went back to the couch. “And is the puppy really what you want to talk about?”
“Her name is Dolly.”
“I know.”
Jordan sat down on a chair across from him although she was really tempted to sit beside him on the couch. “And no, Dolly is not what I want to talk about, beyond saying thank you once again.”
“You are welcome.”
She shifted in her chair. “You’re not going to make this easy for me, are you?”
“No, I don’t think I am, at least not yet.”
There was no way to go except forward. “I really was just talking about us taking a brief break. I wasn’t trying to say we should end things, at least not until I started to get angry. You hurt me.”
“And you hurt me, too. I do understand how you feel about the gossip, but I felt that you thought it was more important than me—and that you weren’t willing to listen.”
“I was scared. It really is as simple as that. I was starting to feel things for you, and when it began to not work, I didn’t know what to do. I think I wanted you to tell me and maybe you were trying to, but it didn’t come off that way. And I realize that I can’t just depend on you. I needed to figure it out for myself.”
He nodded, but did not reply.
Chapter 24
He was working hard to stay angry for a bit longer, but Jordan made it difficult. Not to mention Dolly. How was a man supposed to act heartless when he had a tiny auburn ball of fluff on his lap? He lowered his face to stare at the dog; she stared up at him with begging eyes.
Eyes that were not so different than Jordan’s at this moment.
What did she want him to do? As far as he could tell, the situation hadn’t changed in the last few days. And Jordan had made it clear that he was not worth taking the risk of further gossip. And while a few weeks ago, he wouldn’t have believed that would matter, it did. It had hurt—and more than just his pride. He wasn’t ready to be her hidden secret or to wait until the world thought it was okay for them to be together. That might never happen.
And he wasn’t used to being hurt. He’d never let himself become involved so quickly before and he was not at all sure he liked it. It would be so much easier to tell her to go again. Or, at least, he kept telling himself that.
He said nothing.
“Do you understand being scared, Clay?”
“Yes, but not by gossip. I’ve never let others’ opinions matter that much to me.” Other than hers. That was the root of the problem—he’d let her matter, and almost instantly she’d hurt him.
“Then you’re very lucky. It’s not at all a comfortable feeling.” She leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees.
“I know plenty about being uncomfortable.” It was his turn to shift in his seat. The puppy grumbled, but then settled beside him.
“She’s a little traitor. This would be easier if I was holding her.”
He nodded. “I think she’s ready to love everyone.”
Jordan lowered her head. He saw her swallow. “I want us to start seeing each other again.”
“That was blunt.”
“It seems pointless to beat around the bush about it.” Her voice shook a little. “Especially since it’s pretty clear what I want.”
Part of him, and not the obvious part, was ready to jump with joy, but he remained cautious. “What has changed? Or do you think this time we can be so discreet no one will notice?”
* * *
—
She stared across at him, the neatly trimmed beard somehow made him so much more imposing. “No. If I’m completely honest, I would love it if that were possible. I know I shouldn’t say that, but it is the truth. However, I accept that you’re not willing to go that road and I have to admit it probably wouldn’t work anyway; somebody would see us and the gossip would be even worse. So I’m willing to see you out in the open, wherever you would like. I mean, I’d rather not broadcast it, but I won’t hide either. Besides, I don’t want to let Lydia win.”
“That I do understand.” For a moment she thought he was ready to bend, but then his shoulders stiffened. “And what about the charity? Is that also fixed, all neat and tidy?”
“No. I’m not at all sure what I’m going to do about it. But I realize that doesn’t mean I have to give up. I’m not afraid to work hard. Maybe I’ll start smaller. Or maybe I’ll use the power I do have and start it up under A Place for Family. There’s not really a reason it has to be completely separate. I would hope it grew on its own because people are willing to give money to a worthy cause, not because I’m the one asking. And you know what, I’m good at asking for money. I may not get as much from my so-called friends right away, but I know how to write a grant proposal. I don’t think businesses who want a tax break are really going to care about who I’m sleeping with as long as it’s legal.”
He leaned closer to her. His eyes examining her face, looking for something. “That’s not what you said before.”
“I know, but I’ve already said I was scared. I wasn’t giving myself time to think, to remember what I was good at.”
He leaned back, considering. “As a businessman I don’t make my decisions based on gossip, unless I think there might be something criminal going on. And I would be very happy to have corporate cut a check.”
“We’re not there yet. I have a lot more to figure out. And it’s not what I’m after right now.”
“So you wouldn’t take my check?” He sounded curious.
A smile found its way to her face. “I didn’t say that. I might be proud, but I’m not a fool. And the money wouldn’t be for me. I would hate to prevent you from giving to a worthy cause. And while people can be very concerned with appearances, I like to think most of them will do the right thing in the end.”
“One can certainly hope.”
“And if I’m wrong, maybe I won’t be able to follow through on the project as soon as I’d like or maybe I’ll have to take a backseat and let someone else be the face of it. There are worse things, and as I said, I do have some ideas. I realized that I wanted to be hands-on for my own ego. The important thing is finding a way to help the kids. I can still make that happen.”
“Yes, I’m sure you can. You know I do believe in you.”
And that was why she was here. Why she couldn’t lose him without seeing where this might go. “I think my first step is to go back to school, to learn and educate myself. If I want to make things happen I have to know how to take concrete steps. And in the meantime I can keep asking people for money for good causes.”
“I have a feeling I’m going to be pulling out my checkbook again and again.”
She hesitated, unsure. “Does that mean you forgive me?”
* * *
—
He stared across at her, at her pale face with shadowed eyes. She smiled a couple times and her face gentled whenever she looked at the puppy, but he could see her deep uncertainty. These last days had not been any easier on her than they’d been on him.
“Do I forgive you?” He played for time. His feelings were so mixed. He knew it was merely pride that kept him from simply agreeing—pride and hurt, but that didn’t mean he was quite ready to put them aside. And besides, he was curious to see just where this might end. “It would be easy to say yes, but I don’t want to proceed if we’re just going to end up right back here.”
She looked down.
He con
tinued, “That said, there is still something between us, something powerful, and I’m not sure I’m willing to let it go. You just have to convince me that it’s worth it.”
She frowned slightly. “Do you know that’s what I wanted from you the other day, for you to convince me that it was worth it?”
“Well, maybe we’ll have to see if you’re better at it than me.”
“And how do I do that?”
“I have faith that you’ll think of something.”
“Ah, your faith in me.”
She turned from him and stared out the wide windows at the city below. “I don’t know what to say. I feel like I could say something leading and then seduce you into the bedroom, but that doesn’t really move us forward.”
She turned back and stared at him, her gaze running up his long, bare legs and lingering on the portions of his chest visible through the belted robe. Her gaze dropped to his lap; she had not missed the state of his dick. “Sex between us is easy. I want to be open to seeing where this goes. Nobody else makes me feel the way you do, makes me feel important and worthy, and I think that means something. I need to learn to see those things in myself and you help with that. And I have fun when I’m with you. I’ve been afraid to live and you make it all seem so easy.”
“So you don’t think we should have sex?”
“You know I don’t mean that. And don’t think I don’t see that gleam in your eyes.”
“I do want more than sex; if it were just that, I wouldn’t have gotten so upset. I don’t quite understand what it is about you, Jordan, but I find myself wanting to be with you more than I’m quite prepared for. It’s probably why I was I so ready to let the argument heat up. You’re not the only one who’s not always quite sure what to do next.”
She was quiet, her eyes not moving from his. “So where does that leave us?”