by Sarah Dessen
I didn’t, though. I had no idea, not that I was going to say so. I just followed Maggie up the driveway, taking care to step over the many beer cans that were littering the driveway and stairs.
Inside the house, the hallway was crowded, people packed in on either side. The only way through was navigating a narrow passage, single file, and even then it was a tight squeeze. It smelled like cologne and sweat and beer, an odor that just grew more potent the farther we proceeded. I tried to look straight ahead, but occasionally, out of the corner of my eye, I’d see a guy watching me, his brow damp with sweat, or hear a voice say something – ‘Hey baby, how you doing?’ – maybe meant for me, or anyone.
We finally reached the living room, where there was a bit more breathing room, and a lot more people. Music was blaring from a stereo I couldn’t see, and there was a group of people dancing off to one side, mostly girls, while a bunch of guys looked on. In the kitchen directly to my right, I could see a keg, as well as a bunch of various liquor bottles cluttering the counter by the sink. There was also, inexplicably, two trays of pastries: one of beautiful cupcakes, clearly hand-iced, each dotted with roses, and another of various bars – lemon, chocolate chip, raspberry – carefully arranged on tiny paper doilies.
Maggie, seeing me notice this, motioned for me to lean closer to her. Then she said, right in my ear, ‘Belissa’s parents own Sweet Petite bakery. This is her house.’
She nodded toward a girl with long, dark hair streaked with blonde, wearing a white tank top and jeans, who was dancing with the group in the living room. She had her head thrown back, laughing, and her lipstick was bright, bright red, the same color as the tiny roses on each of the cupcakes.
‘We need beer,’ Leah announced from Maggie’s other side. She grabbed a couple of red cups from somewhere, then handed them to me. ‘Here. You’re closest.’
I looked down at the cups, then at the keg beside me. Leah and Maggie were now talking about something – Esther had vanished – so neither of them noticed me hesitate before turning to face the keg, where I assumed I was supposed to get the beer. It seemed simple enough, so I picked up the spigot attached to it and turned the top. Nothing happened.
I glanced around me. Leah and Maggie were still talking, and the only other people nearby – a couple, making out against the fridge – weren’t paying me, or anything else, any attention. I twisted the top again – nothing – and felt my face flush, embarrassed. I had never been good at asking for help with anything, especially something that people assumed you already knew. And I knew plenty, but this simple, stupid thing was all new to me.
I took a breath, about to try again, when suddenly a hand appeared over mine, the fingers pressing down on the spigot, and beer began to fill the cup I was holding.
‘Let me guess,’ Eli said, his voice that low, even timbre, as always. ‘Drinking from kegs also falls under outdoor activity.’
I just looked at him, standing there in jeans and the same blue hoodie he’d had on the first time I met him. Maybe it was the embarrassment, which had been bad enough before I had an audience, but I was instantly annoyed. I said, ‘Are we outside?’
He glanced around, as if needing to confirm this. ‘Nope.’
‘Then no.’ I turned my attention back to the keg.
He removed his hand from the spigot, then stood there watching me as I filled another cup. ‘You know,’ he said, ‘I’ve noticed you’re kind of defensive.’
‘And I,’ I replied, ‘have noticed that you are very judgmental.’
‘Oh,’ he said. ‘So you’re still upset about the bike thing.’
‘I know how to ride a bike!’ I said.
‘But not how to work a keg.’
I sighed. ‘And you care about this because?’
He shrugged. ‘It’s kind of required here. Like buying more than one thing at the Gas/Gro.’
I was impressed he remembered me saying this from the jump park – it was nice to be memorable, even in a somewhat embarrassing way – but I ignored him, instead moving to get Maggie’s and Leah’s attention so I could give them their beers. When I turned to them, though, they both were staring at me, their eyes wide. ‘What?’ I said, but they just took the cups, then stepped a bit farther away from me, exchanging a look as they each took a sip.
I moved back to the keg with the last cup, reaching to fill it. Once I had, they were still watching me with these weird expressions, so I just took a sip from my cup instead. The beer was warm and flat. Clearly, I had not been missing much.
Beside me, Eli was now studying the pastries, and I realized that maybe I had been a little short with him. In an attempt to be conciliatory, I said, ‘Apparently the people who own this house have a bakery. Or something.’
He glanced at me. ‘Really.’
I took another sip, why I had no idea, as it tasted terrible. ‘She’s the girl in the white shirt, over there. With the red lipstick.’
He glanced in the direction I indicated, watching the people dancing for a moment. ‘Oh, right. I see her.’
The girl was really moving now, her hair swishing down her back from side to side as she moved her hips in a circle, a pumped-up guy with, yes, hair gel pressing up behind her. ‘Wow,’ I said. ‘That’s really something.’
‘Meaning what?’
I shrugged. The girl glanced over at us, her eyes meeting mine, and I took another sip of my beer. ‘Just… sometimes less is more. You know?’
He sort of smiled, as if this was cute, which was kind of annoying. I glanced over at Maggie and Leah, who, for some reason, were now looking at me totally goggle-eyed.
‘Which is not to say,’ I said to Eli, ‘you shouldn’t have one of her cupcakes. They look great.’
‘Nah,’ he said. ‘I’ll pass.’
‘You know,’ I told him, ‘if you don’t know how to eat a cupcake, that’s nothing to be ashamed of.’
Now he did smile. ‘I know how to eat a cupcake.’
‘Sure you do.’
‘I do,’ he said. ‘I just don’t want one of those.’
‘Yeah?’ I put my cup down, then reached into my bag for the packaged ones I’d bought at the Gas/Gro, pulling them out and placing them on the counter between us. ‘Prove it.’
‘You really want me to?’ he asked.
‘It’s kind of required here,’ I said. ‘Like riding a bike.’
He studied my face for a second, then picked up the pack of cupcakes, opening it and pulling one out. I was watching him, about to take another sip of beer, when I felt a hand suddenly clench my arm. ‘Abort,’ Maggie hissed in my ear. ‘Abort, abort, right now.’
‘What?’ I said, but I barely got the word out before she was yanking me sideways, past Eli – who was chewing, watching us – and out onto the back deck, where Leah was clearing a path through the people there.
‘Hurry,’ she yelled over her shoulder, and Maggie nodded, still dragging me behind her. ‘I think if we go down the stairs this way, we can get out faster and maybe avoid this.’
‘Right,’ Maggie replied, ‘let’s definitely avoid this.’
‘What are you guys talking about?’ I asked as Maggie dragged me down a short flight of stairs to a lower deck, which was a bit less crowded. ‘Avoid what?’
She turned, as if to answer me, but didn’t get the chance. Because right then, a glass door to our right slid open, and the girl from the dance floor – Miss Red Lipstick, cupcake, less is not more – appeared, planting herself squarely in our path. Two of the girls she’d been dancing with, a redhead in a black dress and a shorter, pudgy blonde girl, spilled out behind her.
‘Okay,’ she said, holding up both hands, palms facing us. Her voice was kind of nasal, thin. ‘What just happened in there? And who the hell is this?’
She was looking right at me, as were both her friends, and I felt myself break into a cold sweat, instantly, something that I’d read about but never actually experienced before in my entire life. Maggie, releasing her hold on my
arm, said, ‘Belissa, it’s really nothing.’
‘Nothing?’ Belissa took a step toward me. Up close, I could see the bumpy texture of her skin, how her nose was a little pointier than she probably liked. ‘What’s your name, skank?’
At first, I thought this was both a question – what’s your name? – and an answer. Then I realized she was actually waiting for a response. ‘Auden,’ I said.
Her eyes narrowed. ‘Auden,’ she repeated, the way you’d say scrotum or excrement. ‘What kind of a name is that?’
‘Well –’ I said.
‘It doesn’t matter,’ Leah said, cutting me off. ‘Like Maggie said, nothing happened.’
‘Was she, or was she not, in there hitting on Eli?’ Belissa demanded.
‘She wasn’t,’ Leah said, her voice flat. Certain. The blonde and the redhead exchanged looks. ‘She’s not from here, she doesn’t know anybody.’
‘Or anything,’ Maggie added, sounding less confident. Belissa glanced at her. ‘You know what I mean.’
‘I saw how he was talking to her,’ Belissa said. It was weird how she was staring at me, and yet at the same time ignoring me completely. ‘He was smiling, for God’s sakes.’
‘He’s not allowed to smile?’ Leah asked. Maggie shot her a look, and she added, ‘Look, Belissa, it was an honest mistake, and we’re leaving. Okay?’
Belissa considered this, then stepped even closer to me. ‘I don’t know who you are,’ she said, punctuating this with a jab of her finger, the tip touching my chest. ‘And I don’t really care. But you better stay away from my boy-friend, especially when you’re under my roof. Understood?’
I looked past her, to Maggie, who nodded, her head bobbing wildly. I said, ‘All right.’
‘All right,’ Belissa repeated. Behind her, Leah sighed, looking up at the sky. ‘Now get off my property.’
And with that, Maggie was yanking my arm again, dragging me down the nearby stairs. She continued her death grip on me as we followed Leah down to the beach, around a dune, and then over a public walkway, back to the street, not letting go until we were back at the car, where Esther was waiting.
‘Where the hell have you been?’ Leah demanded. ‘We could have used you back there.’
‘Let me guess,’ Esther said as Maggie and I got in the backseat. ‘Something undignified happened.’
‘If you call Auden just about getting all our asses kicked undignified, then yes,’ Leah told her. She slammed her door shut, then turned around in her seat to look at me. ‘Are you crazy? Flirting with Eli Stock in front of Belissa Norwood, in Belissa Norwood’s house, while eating Belissa Norwood’s cupcakes?’
They were all looking at me now. I said, ‘We weren’t eating those cupcakes.’
Leah threw her hands up, turning back around as Esther cranked the engine. Maggie, beside me, said, ‘You guys, she didn’t know about any of that.’
‘She didn’t know about you and Jake, either,’ Leah said. ‘But that didn’t stop you from wanting to flatten her when she hooked up with him.’
‘True,’ Maggie said. ‘But, like Belissa, I was in the wrong. She and Eli are broken up. He can talk to whoever he wants.’
‘But that’s just the point,’ Leah told her, turning to face me. ‘Eli doesn’t talk. To anyone. Ever. So why is he talking to her?’
No one said anything. Finally, I cleared my throat and said, ‘Well, I don’t know. He just does, ever since this one night when I saw him riding his bike.’
Silence. They were all staring at me, even Esther, who used the rearview. Maggie said softly, ‘You saw Eli on a bike? What was he doing?’
I shrugged. ‘I don’t know. Tricks? He was jumping around, at the end of the boardwalk.’
Maggie and Leah looked at each other. ‘You know,’ Leah said, ‘I think maybe…’
‘Agreed,’ Esther said, hitting her turn signal as the Gas/ Gro came up in the distance. ‘We definitely need some snack bang for this one.’
‘The thing is,’ Maggie began, ‘if we’re going to tell you about Eli, first we have to tell you about Abe.’
We were at the very tip of the pier, lined up on a bench and looking out over the water. On the way out to the end, we’d passed several fishermen, standing with their rods leaning over the side, focused on the water. Here, we were all alone, except for the wind and the splashing below.
‘Abe and Eli,’ Maggie said, ‘were inseparable. Best friends since, like, kindergarten. You hardly ever saw them apart.’
‘But they were totally different,’ Esther added. ‘You know, Eli’s got that dark, quiet thing going on. And Abe was…’
They were all quiet for a moment. Then Leah said, ‘A total goofball.’
‘Total,’ Maggie agreed. ‘Like, the silliest person you have ever met. He could make anybody laugh.’
‘Even Eli.’
‘Especially Eli.’ Leah smiled. ‘God, do you even remember what Eli was like before Abe died? He was actually… funny.’
‘Abe died?’ I said.
Maggie nodded solemnly, opening up a pack of gum. ‘It was May of last year. He and Eli were down in Brockton, at this event at Concrete Jungle? They were both sponsored, had been for a couple of years now. They both started out straight BMX, you know, but then Eli took up the half-pipe, and Abe stuck more to flatland, at least in competition. But they were both really good at urban, although that’s not surprising, considering where we’re from.’
I just looked at her. Leah said, ‘Maggie, nobody here but you understands all that bike shit. Speak English.’
‘Oh, sorry.’ Maggie pulled out a piece of gum, popping it in her mouth. ‘Eli and Abe were both really, really good at riding bikes. So good they got paid to go around and compete at various events, and that’s why they were in Brockton.’
‘And it was after the event,’ Esther said, ‘when they were driving back from a party, that the accident happened.’
‘The accident,’ I said.
Leah nodded. ‘Eli was driving. And Abe was killed.’
I heard myself gasp. ‘Oh, my God.’
‘I know.’ Maggie folded the gum wrapper she was holding, first once, then twice, down to a tiny square. ‘I was with Jake when Eli called. We were at his house, and I could hear Eli on the phone. He was at the hospital, and he was trying to talk, but all I could hear was this awful sound he was making…’
She didn’t finish, instead just looked out over the water, dark on either side of us. Esther said, ‘It wasn’t his fault. They were going through a four-way stop, and someone just ran it and hit them.’
‘A drunk,’ Leah added.
Esther nodded. ‘It tore Eli up, big-time. It was like Abe took some part of him when he went, you know? He’s never been the same.’
‘He gave up all his sponsorships, the riding, everything,’ Maggie said. ‘He’d gotten into college at the U and deferred to keep competing, but he didn’t go there either. He just got a job managing the bike shop and stopped riding altogether.’
Leah glanced at me. ‘Or so we thought.’
‘I just saw him doing it that one night on the boardwalk,’ I told her. ‘It was really late. Or early, actually.’
‘Well,’ Maggie said, ‘I guess that means something. What, I don’t know. But something.’
There was a sudden burst of noise from behind us: when I turned, I saw one of the fishermen pulling something over the rail of the pier. It was flopping, catching the light here and there, before he eased it down behind a tackle box, out of sight. The other people fishing took note, then returned to their own lines.
‘And Belissa,’ I said, warming my hands around my cup. ‘What’s the story there?’
‘They’d dated since sophomore year,’ Leah told me. ‘She stuck with him through the funeral, and a couple of months after, but eventually things just fell apart. She dumped him, is what I heard. Although apparently she sees it differently.’
‘Apparently,’ I said.
Leah smiled, shak
ing her head. ‘I swear, when she asked you what kind of a name that was, and you were about to answer her… I almost just took off running and left you there to fend for yourself.’
‘She asked me a question,’ I said.
‘She didn’t want an answer, though.’
‘Well, then why did she ask?’
‘Because,’ Leah said, ‘she was gearing up to smacking your face. God! Don’t you know anything about dealing with jealous ex-girlfriends?’
‘No,’ I said. ‘Not really.’
Maggie smiled. ‘Well, you just got a crash course, then.’
‘Crash being the operative word,’ Leah added. ‘I mean, did you see how pissed off she was? And then she tells you to get lost, or else, and you say…’
‘“All right,”’ Maggie said.
Esther’s eyes widened. ‘No.’
‘She totally did. And said it just like that, too. Like she was doing her a favor by agreeing.’
‘I did not,’ I said. Leah and Maggie just looked at me. ‘Did I?’
‘Yup.’ Leah shook her cup, then took another sip off her straw. ‘Which was either incredibly ballsy, or incredibly stupid. I’m still not sure which.’
Esther laughed, and I just sat there, looking down at my coffee and remembering how completely out of my element I’d been at that party, and that moment. Never before had it been so obvious that although I’d spent my entire life learning, there was a lot of stuff I still didn’t know. Enough to get me into big trouble, apparently, if someone hadn’t been there to help me out.
‘It was stupid,’ I said out loud, thinking this. They all looked at me. ‘I mean, what I said. The truth is, I didn’t have much of a social life in high school. Or ever, for that matter.’
This was greeted with an extended silence. Or maybe it just felt that way to me.
‘You know,’ Leah said, ‘that actually explains a lot.’
‘It does,’ Maggie agreed.