by Sarah Dessen
‘What do you think?’ I heard a male voice – Adam, I thought – yell back.
She opened the door wide, just as a red rubber ball rolled slowly past in the opposite direction, heading back toward the sales floor. ‘Oh, man. Seriously?’
‘That’s right,’ Adam hollered. ‘Kickball. Tonight. Get ready to get wet.’
‘And who,’ I heard Maggie say, ‘decided this?’
‘Who do you think?’
Esther stepped out into the hallway, picking up the ball. ‘Not Eli.’
‘Yup.’ I heard footsteps, and then Adam came into view, holding out his hands. Esther handed over the ball, and he nodded at me. ‘Came in late today, with this under his arm. He actually seemed cheerful.’
‘Really.’
‘Yup. We were all totally freaked out.’ He gave the ball a bounce. ‘But he was serious. First game of the season, tonight after closing. Drawing for second base commences sharply at ten oh five.’
‘Oh, God.’ Maggie groaned, joining them in the hallway. ‘If I have to be second base, I’m not playing.’
‘That,’ Adam said, pointing at her, ‘is a quitter attitude.’
‘Last time I got totally soaked!’ she protested.
‘Last time was over a year ago. Come on! Eli’s finally pulling out of this thing. The least you can do is get a little wet.’
‘It is pretty major that he’s up for it,’ Esther said to her. ‘I wonder what changed.’
I started to turn back to the desk, taking another sip of my drink. But not before I saw Maggie look right at me.
‘Who knows?’ Adam said. ‘Let’s just be glad and get on with it. See you at ten!’
And with that, he was gone, bouncing the ball as he went. Esther sighed, then followed him, but I could feel Maggie’s eyes still on me as I carefully stacked everything back in the drawer, stuffing the pictures in on top. ‘Hey,’ she said. ‘You all right?’
‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘I’m fine.’
This should have been true. After all, I’d had the same night as Eli, and he’d woken up with a whole new attitude. I should have been just coasting and happy, more ready than anyone to jump into kickball, especially with Eli there. And yet, as the nine o’clock dance passed and the minutes of the next hour ticked down, I could feel my stomach getting tighter and tighter.
At ten on the nose, Maggie appeared in the doorway to the office, keys in her hand. ‘Come on,’ she announced. ‘The second base drawing is in five minutes, and believe me, you don’t want to get stuck with it. You’re basically in the water.’
‘Oh,’ I said, ‘actually, I think I’m going to stay late tonight. I have this payroll to do, and some filing…’
She looked at me, then at the pens arranged neatly in the jar next to my elbow. ‘Really.’
‘Yeah. I’ll be along eventually.’
‘Eventually,’ she repeated. I nodded, then turned back to the desk. Her voice was flatter as she said, ‘All right. We’ll be waiting for you.’
Finally she left, and I busied myself labeling some file folders as she and Esther shut down the registers and headed outside. Once the door was locked behind them, I pushed back from my desk. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there, I went out to the now dark store, walking up to the front windows.
Everyone was gathered just down the boardwalk, at the main entrance to the beach. I could see Maggie sitting on a bench next to Adam, with Esther beside him. Wallace and some other guys from the bike shop I knew by sight if not by name were milling around, joking with one another: I watched as they said something to Leah when she showed up, and she rolled her eyes, swatting at them before Maggie slid over to make room for her. More and more people came along, some I recognized, others I didn’t. But then suddenly everyone began to move in closer, converging, and I knew Eli had arrived.
He had on the same blue hoodie he was wearing the first time I saw him, the red ball tucked under one arm. His hair was loose, blowing over his eyes, and as he approached he bounced the ball once, catching it as he turned his head, scanning the assembled group. When he turned, looking behind him right at Clementine’s, I stepped back from the window, out of sight.
After a moment of discussion, teams were organized, and some sort of decision was made. From the looks of it, Adam came out on the losing side, if the jeers and pointed fingers in his direction were any indication. Then, en masse, everyone headed onto the beach, with one group assembling by the dunes while another spread out across the sand. Adam, I saw, took his place right by the surf itself, reaching down to roll up his pant legs, while Eli moved to the center, the ball still in his hands. He was just rolling out the first pitch when I turned and went back to the office.
An hour later, I went out the back door, then made my way across a parking lot and down two alleys before finally popping out by the Gas/Gro. I’d been planning to just go home, thinking Heidi might need the company, but instead I found myself walking back to the boardwalk. I sat down on a bench in front of the Last Chance, which was still bustling, to watch the game from a distance. Just as I arrived, Leah was up: she kicked the ball far and long, out into the water, and a guy I didn’t recognize, now at second base, dove in after it.
‘Auden?’
I jumped, then turned slowly, bracing myself. Of course Eli would sneak up on me, especially when I was doing my best to stay lost. But as I turned, I saw instead the last person I ever would have expected: my former almost-prom date, Jason Talbot. He was in khakis and a collared shirt, hands in his pockets, smiling at me.
‘Hey,’ I said. ‘What are you doing here?’
He nodded back at the restaurant behind him. ‘Just finishing up some dinner. I’ve been sitting in there for the last fifteen minutes, wondering if that was you, but I wasn’t sure. I didn’t think I’d seen your name on the list for the conference, but…’
‘Conference?’
‘The FCLC? It just started today. Isn’t that why you’re here?’
‘Um,’ I said. ‘No. My dad lives nearby.’
‘Oh. Right. Well… that’s great.’
There was a sudden burst of voices from down the boardwalk. We both looked over, just in time to see Maggie running the bases, laughing, while Adam started to wade out into the water. ‘Wow,’ Jason said. ‘Kickball. Haven’t seen that since third grade.’
‘So what’s the FCLC, again?’ I asked.
‘Future College Leadership Course,’ he replied. ‘It’s a month-long series of lectures, workshops, and symposiums, with incoming freshmen from schools all around the country. It’s basically designed to give attendees skills they’ll need to make an impact on their campuses from day one.’
‘Wow,’ I said. There was another round of cheering from behind him, but this time I didn’t look. ‘That sounds great.’
‘Oh, I think it will be. I’ve already met, like, twenty people from Harvard who are already involved in campus leadership,’ he said. ‘You know, you should check it out. I know you weren’t that into student government, but it’s a great networking opportunity. It’s not too late to sign up, and there are tons of people from Defriese there.’
‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘I’m kind of busy.’
‘Oh, tell me about it,’ Jason replied, shaking his head. ‘I got the syllabi from my fall classes and have been reading already, and it’s really intense. But everyone I’ve met is doing the same thing.’
I nodded, even as I noted that my heart was already beating a bit faster. ‘I bet,’ I said.
‘That’s really what I’m hearing again and again. That you can’t just come in on the first day of the semester and hit the ground running anymore.’
‘Really.’
‘Oh, yeah. You need to prep early, and seriously.’
‘I’ve been doing my reading, too,’ I said. ‘I mean, between working and everything else…’
‘Working?’ I nodded. ‘What are you doing? Like, internship stuff? Service projects?’
I though
t of the office at Clementine’s, all that pink. ‘More business-related. I’m working for a small business that’s in the process of expanding, helping with accounting and marketing during the transition. I figured it would be a good way to experience some real-time economics while at the same time studying the larger trends.’
‘Wow,’ he said, nodding. ‘That sounds really interesting. Still, though, you should think about the FCLC. I mean, if you’re here anyway. I think you’d be a real asset to the conversation.’
There was a loud whoop! noise from the beach, followed by a round of applause and laughter. I said, ‘Maybe I will.’
‘Good.’ Jason smiled. ‘Look, I should get back to dinner, I guess. We were in the middle of this big discussion about class rank, the pros and cons, and I don’t want to miss it.’
‘Sure,’ I said. ‘Of course.’
He took a step back, then paused. ‘Are you at the same number, though? Because while I’m here, maybe we could get together, you know. Just to catch up, compare notes.’
Everyone was coming off the beach now. I could see Maggie and Adam, who was soaked, in front, with Leah and Esther following. ‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘Sure.’
‘Great!’ He smiled again. ‘So I’ll just see you soon.’
I nodded. And then, before I could even begin to react, he was stepping forward, pulling me into a hug. An awkward, too-much-elbow, faceful-of-fabric-softener hug, but at least it was over quickly.
But not quickly enough. Because as he walked away, there was Eli. Standing with the ball under his arm, watching me, his expression unreadable. For a moment, we just looked at each other, and I had a flash of that first long night, near this same place. Aren’t they all.
‘Hey,’ I said. ‘How was the game?’
‘Good.’ He bounced the ball once. ‘We won.’
Two couples, dressed for a night out, walked between us, chattering happily among themselves. For a fleeting instant, I just wanted to fall in with them, go wherever they were going.
‘So,’ he said, coming closer, ‘what happened?’
‘I had to work,’ I said. ‘We’re behind on payroll, and there was all this filing…’
‘No.’ He bounced the ball again. ‘I mean to you.’
‘Me?’
He nodded. ‘You’re acting different. What’s going on?’
‘Nothing,’ I said. He kept his eyes on me, steady, unconvinced. ‘What, you mean that?’ I said, nodding at the Last Chance, where Jason had now disappeared inside. ‘He’s just this friend of mine from home. My prom date, actually, although he ditched me at the last minute. Not that I was that upset, we were never, like, serious. Anyway, he’s down here for some conference, and he saw me out here, so –’
‘Auden.’ The way he said my name was like a brake, applied hard. I stopped in mid-breath. ‘Seriously. What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing,’ I said again. ‘Why do you keep asking me that?’
‘Because you were fine last night,’ he said. ‘And then tonight you duck out and hide from me and now you won’t even look me in the eye.’
‘I’m fine,’ I said. ‘God, I just had to work. Why is that so hard to believe?’
This time, he didn’t answer. But he didn’t really have to. It was a total lie, paper thin. And yet I stood there, holding on to it for dear life anyway.
‘You know,’ he said finally, ‘if this is about what happened with your dad and Heidi…’
‘It’s not.’ My voice was sharp. Defensive. Even I could hear it. ‘I told you, I had to work. I have a lot on my plate right now, okay? I can’t just spend my whole summer playing kickball. I have classes to prepare for, and books to read, if I want to hit the ground running at Defriese this fall. I’ve been slacking off so much, and now…’
‘Slacking off,’ he repeated.
‘Yes.’ I looked down at my hands. ‘It’s been fun and all. But I’m totally behind. I have to get serious.’
As I said this, down the boardwalk I could hear all those familiar voices, laughing, jeering, happy together. I knew it instantly, as the sound was much more familiar at a distance than from within it.
‘Right,’ Eli said. ‘Well. Good luck. Getting serious, and all that.’
There was something in his tone – final, distant, exactly what I’d thought I wanted – that made me suddenly realize maybe I didn’t. ‘Eli,’ I said quickly. ‘Look. I just…’
But no words followed. I just let this hang there, open-ended, waiting for him to jump in, finish it, do the hard part for me. It was my dad’s signature trick, and now I understood why. It was just so much easier than having to say what you didn’t want to aloud. But Eli didn’t fall in, doing the hard part for me. He just walked away. Not that this should have surprised me. What did he care if this sentence was finished or not? He was.
Chapter
FOURTEEN
1:05 P.M.: Just on a break from a panel, thought you might want to grab lunch?
3:30 P.M.: Are you free for dinner tonight? Last Chance, around 6?
10:30 P.M.: Heading back to the dorms. Talk to you tomorrow.
I put my phone down on the desk. Leah, who was paging through some receipts, glanced at the screen. ‘Well,’ she said, ‘someone’s popular tonight.’
‘It’s just this guy I know,’ I told her. ‘From home.’
‘Just a guy,’ she repeated. ‘Is there even such a thing?’
We were in the office after closing, where everyone was waiting for me to do a few last-minute things before locking up. ‘In this case,’ I told her, ‘yes.’
My phone beeped again. I sighed, turning it over.
10:45 P.M.: If you have time to chat tonight, give me a call. Got some ideas to run by you.
‘He seems awfully persistent,’ Esther observed.
‘I think he’s just trying to make up for standing me up at prom,’ I said. ‘Or something. I don’t know.’
Really, this hadn’t occurred to me until right at that moment. But now that I thought about it, it kind of made sense.
‘You got stood up on prom night?’ Maggie asked. She looked truly upset. ‘That’s horrible.’
‘It wasn’t quite that bad,’ I said. ‘He called the day before, said he’d gotten invited to this big environmental meeting up in D.C. It was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.’
‘So is your senior prom,’ Leah said. ‘It’s a good thing you’re blowing him off. He deserves it.’
‘That’s not why I’m…’ I sighed. ‘I’m just not interested in revisiting that particular part of my past. That’s all.’
My phone beeped again. This time, I didn’t even look at it. Later, though, back at home, I studied my phone, reading over Jason’s messages again. Maybe it would be my own kind of do-over to answer back, go meet him, try again for something I didn’t get before. But unlike bowling and food fights and breaking curfew, I didn’t feel like I’d missed out on Jason. Instead, what had happened – or not – with us was just a twist of fate, meant to be. Like we hadn’t even needed a first chance, much less a second one.
A week earlier, at eleven thirty P.M., I would have been out already an hour, just starting the night’s adventures. These days, though, I was usually back at home, in my room, hitting the books.
That night Eli had walked away from me, I’d come home around midnight to find the entire house quiet. Isby was asleep in her room, and Heidi was down for the count, although she’d left her bedside light on. I’d gone to my own room, planning to just grab a few things before heading out, but then I’d remembered what Jason had said about reading ahead and hitting the ground running. The next thing I knew, I was pulling my suitcase out from under my bed.
When I opened it up, the first thing I saw was the picture frame Hollis had given me, which I promptly pushed aside. Beneath it was my econ textbook. Within ten minutes, I was reading chapter one, a yellow pad half covered with notes beside me.
It was so easy. Academics, like an old friend, had just waited patie
ntly for me, and returning to it felt safe and right. Unlike all the things I’d been doing with Eli, which were new and challenging and way out of my comfort zone, studying was my strength, the one thing I did well, no matter what else was going badly.
So instead of driving around that night, I stayed in my room, the window open beside me, reading chapter after chapter as the waves crashed below. Still, whenever I took a break to go get more coffee, or hit the bathroom, I’d find myself glancing at my watch, wondering what Eli was up to. At midnight, probably the Washroom. By one thirty, Park Mart. And then, who knew? Without me and my stupid quest to deal with, he could have been anywhere.
Where I ended up, though, surprised me most of all. At seven A.M., I jerked awake, lifting my head off my legal pad, where it had apparently dropped when I actually fell asleep at some point the night before. My neck was aching, and I had ink stains on my cheek, but none of these felt as odd as the sensation that I had actually slept at night for the second time in a row. I wasn’t really sure I wanted to know why.
Whatever the reason, this sudden change in sleeping habits – which continued over the next three nights – completely threw me off my schedule. For the first time in recent memory, I was awake and lucid in the morning. At first, I tried to just keep studying, but by day three, I decided to go to Clementine’s.
‘Oh, my God,’ I heard Maggie say as soon as I walked in. ‘This is unbelievable.’
I rolled my eyes, then slid off my sunglasses, bracing myself for the inevitable questions, and required explanation, of what I was doing there so early. Then I realized that she hadn’t seen me at all. Instead, she, Leah, and Adam were crowded around a laptop open on the counter, watching something on-screen.
‘Tell me about it,’ Adam said. ‘None of us had any idea. Not even Jake. He just got a text from someone saying they’d seen it online, and so he looked it up.’
‘What’s the date on it, again?’ Leah asked as Maggie hit a button, leaning in closer.
‘Yesterday. It was the Hopper Bikes exhibition thing, in Randallton.’