by Allysa Hart
Sensing people moving around her, she was unable to do more than acknowledge their condolences. Her coat was wrapped around her shoulders, and she absently allowed herself to be led to the car. She sat down, staring blankly into nothing, barely aware when Keith reached over her lap and buckled her in the seat.
Lingering for a moment, he kissed her on the head. “Everything is going to be all right, sweetie. I promise.”
How could she believe him? She was alone. Her world was being buried in a hole in the ground, and nothing would ever be ‘all right’ again. Rose slid next to her in the back seat and grabbed her hand in a comforting, motherly fashion.
“I want to go home,” Katelyn whispered.
“I don’t think that’s such a good idea right now, honey,” Rose answered gently. “Keith?”
“We are going to take you to our house so you can recover a bit more. It’s not good for you to be alone right now.”
“No. I want to go home.” She spoke quietly but concisely, still staring blankly out the window.
“You can go home once you are feeling a little stronger. You need your family to help you through your grief, sweetie. We need you, too,” he said with kindness and sympathy. She knew he was hurting as well, but she didn’t have the heart to consider his reasoning.
“Keith, I’m asking you to please just take me home.” Her voice was flat and completely devoid of emotion. Her insistence must have changed his mind and, with a deep sigh, he headed in the direction of her house.
“Keith, I don’t think this is a good idea,” Rose said, her voice tinged with concern.
“Everyone needs to be allowed to grieve in their own way. If this is what she feels she needs, then we will give it to her. She knows that we are here for her when she needs us.”
***
For a person who lived the majority of her life exploring her emotions, the sensation of numbness was both foreign and frightening. Katie hadn’t returned to her house since she received the news of Mark’s death and needed to immerse herself where she felt the safest. It wasn’t until she stood in the doorway to her bedroom that she realized she had made a mistake. Her stomach twisted as she stared into the space that had been filled with so much love and laughter and then raced into the bathroom to release dry heaves into the toilet.
Placing her face on the cool bathroom floor, she looked at the sink where his razor and toothbrush still sat. Another wave of nausea struck her, and she crawled on her hands and knees until she was in the hallway. Weakly, she shut the bedroom door and braced herself against the wall. His presence was everywhere she looked—from the photographs that cluttered the walls, to the bleach stain left on the carpet after he attempted to clean up some wine he had spilled. His scent permeated the air, another reminder of the amazing life she once had—the one she would never have again. She dragged herself numbly into the kitchen to see an unrinsed coffee cup on the counter next to the sink. How many times had she scolded him for leaving half-empty coffee cups around the house? It was so irrelevant now. She would never have the chance to tell him that rinsing a cup was not as important as he was.
That was the last straw. She rushed outside onto the back deck and gripped the railing for support as she tried to control the quick breath of uncontrollable panic. The orange roof of her tree house caught her eye, and she spontaneously raced to her place of refuge. There she would be safe from the haunting memories, at least for a while, since nothing inside belonged to him. She curled into a ball on fluffy colorful pillows and prayed that she could escape in the safety of slumber and be spared a few moments from the never-ending pain.
Hours passed, but she was unable to fade into the haven of sleep. Her phone rang several times, but she covered her head with a pillow to hide from both the ringing and the sound of a voice calling her name.
***
Despite Keith’s advice, Rose didn’t believe that it was wise to allow the distraught woman to be left alone in the house. When her calls went unanswered, a red flag was raised in her mind. Fearful that, in her grief, the incoherent girl would do something foolish, Rose threw together some food and quickly drove to Katie’s home. Relief filled her upon the sight of Katie’s car in the driveway.
“Katie? Sweetheart, I brought dinner.” Rose let herself in and searched the house for the absent girl. Keith was called as the woman’s panic grew. He arrived within minutes.
“Where could she be? The car is here. Her purse, keys... Everything! I’ve looked everywhere. Where is my little girl, Keith? Something’s wrong!” Rose bombarded him, her face covered with frightened tears.
Hands on her cheeks, he spoke calmly. “Breathe, baby. I’m sure she’s fine. Did you check all of her spots?”
Rose forced herself to take a deep breath, but she could not stop the pounding of her heart. “She’s not anywhere. I have looked everywhere! I’ve checked every room, the closets, under the cupboards. What if she’s hurt?”
“Shh. Did you check her tree house?”
Closing her eyes, Rose shook her head. “No, I panicked and completely forgot.”
Keith kissed her on the head and issued an affectionate slap to her behind as he made his way outside. “I will bet you a good spanking that she is out there and you panicked over nothing. Are you up for it?”
Rose groaned but nodded. She knew that both she and Keith could use a good session over his knee to help them deal with their pain over the loss of their best friend. Keith had been right—everyone dealt with grief in their own way.
***
“Katie? Are you up there?” Keith’s voice echoed through the quiet evening air.
Katelyn heard the sliding door open followed by heavy footsteps on the walkway that headed toward her sanctuary. She didn’t answer, wanting just to be left alone so that she could disappear forever. Why couldn’t they understand that her desire to live was gone the moment she lost Mark?
“Maybe she’s not there either! Oh God, Keith, where could she be?” Rose’s voice was filled with fear.
“Calm down, woman! Maybe she’s asleep. Sweetie, are you awake?” His voice was just above a whisper.
She stayed silent, not caring that they were worried. Her need to be alone superseded everything right now. Why couldn’t they understand that there wasn’t enough strength in either her mind or body for anything or anyone, including herself?
His deep sigh signaled his acceptance that she was asleep, and his descent down the ladder gave her a measure of reprieve. “She’s asleep, let’s leave her be.”
“No, I’m not leaving. She can’t be alone here. She’s out here because she can’t stand being inside and surrounded by memories of him. Please listen to me,” Rose pleaded. “I would feel the same way if this happened to you. I would want to just curl up in a hole and die. I would feel like my life and everything that ever mattered to me was gone.”
“But that’s not true.”
“It doesn’t matter if it’s true of not. Damn it, Keith! You just lost a man who was like a brother to you for over twenty years! You’re not even letting yourself grieve because you are more concerned about Katie. Let me deal with her right now.”
Keith was quiet for a moment. “Would you really feel like that if it had been me?”
“I hate that you stay in this job. I hate it!” Rose’s voice grew to a shout. “This was my nightmare, and it happened before our very eyes. At least Mark was doing something to try to protect his life and his family. You aren’t.”
“I never knew you felt that way.”
“Well, I do. I respect your choices, but you need to respect mine. I need to stay here in case she needs me. Just for the night. Don’t refuse me because I would have to defy you.”
The resolve in Rose’s voice sent a wave of warmth deep into Katie’s belly. She wanted to reassure Rose that she was okay, but that would be a lie. Hearing the woman’s admission and her fear for her husband’s safety also made her acknowledge that she had not given Rose credit for fully unders
tanding her feelings.
“Very well, but I want you to let her sleep.”
“I will. I promise.”
“You will also bring her home once she wakes up.”
“I’ll try, but I’m not going to force her. She already feels powerless, and it’s wrong to take away her choices.”
“Use your judgment,” Keith said. “She needs to know she’s not alone and that we love her.”
“I will.”
Katelyn listened to the voices fade back into the house. She closed her eyes, comforted that although she was alone, she had not been abandoned.
The sun shining in through the skylight woke her. The treehouse provided the sanctuary for rest she hadn’t gotten since Mark’s death, and she wished that she could remain there forever; far away from the concerned eyes and prying questions. Unfortunately, the little building wasn’t equipped with a bathroom. She climbed slowly down the ladder until her bare feet hit the dewy grass and paused as the coolness seeped between her toes. She was startled when she saw Rose in the kitchen cooking breakfast. In her numb state, she had forgotten about the conversation shared between Keith and Rose the prior night. She slithered past the kitchen, hoping to relieve herself and return to the treehouse without being seen.
“Good morning, baby. How did you sleep?” Rose called out cheerfully. Katie shrugged and kept walking to the bathroom. “I made some toast and eggs and started soup in the crock pot for lunch.”
Katelyn put her hands to her head and covered her ears as she ran into the bathroom. Food was the last thing she could stomach and to have someone in her house, even Rose, felt like an invasion. Looking into the mirror, she barely recognized the reflection that stared back. Pale, gaunt and emotionless; she was a shell of what she used to be. She tried to care but didn’t.
She headed back toward her bedroom and, once again, came to a halt in the doorway. The memories assaulted her and stole her breath. She stood frozen with her hand clutching her heart as she tried to breathe through the pain. Standing and staring into the empty bedroom was how Rose found her ten minutes later.
“Oh honey, you don’t need to go in there. What do you want? I will get it for you.” A steady, loving hand rested on her shoulders and attempted to move her away from the door.
Katelyn didn’t know how to respond. There was nothing in that room she needed, nothing she wanted. There was nothing anywhere in that house that she had any connection to. It was all a reminder of her former life; the life that had been stripped from her by the drugs that drove that man to the brink of insanity; a life taken by the bullet that tore through Mark’s body; a life that began, and ended, with Mark’s innate duty to protect and serve.
“I can’t do this.” She acknowledged Rose’s presence with a deadpan tone. “I can’t be here without him. It feels like the walls are closing in on me.”
“Please come to our place for a little while. We have your room all made up for you. You don’t have to go through this alone. We’re family, and we love you.”
Her room at their place was a little girl’s dream and filled with toys, games, and books. But it belonged to a world that was no longer hers. Daddy was gone, and he took his little girl with him.
“I can’t, Rose. That’s not my life anymore.” Her tone was a matter of fact. “Katie died with Mark. All that’s left is Katelyn, and I have to do this on my own.”
Rose sighed. “I understand that you aren’t ready. We have the guest room, and it’s all yours as long as you need it. Please just come with me.”
“I don’t want to impose. My brother will let me stay with him.”
“Honey, I don’t want to sound mean, but no one from your family even bothered to come to Mark’s funeral.”
“They live on the other side of the states. It was too far to travel with all the kids, and they have a lot going on.”
“Okay. Would you be able to handle being around your nieces and nephews? They’re a handful, and I’m concerned it might be an extra stress factor at the moment.”
“Yeah, maybe. My parents…”
“They live in a retirement community and are always going on trips. I don’t even know if they’ve gotten word of what has happened. We want you with us, honey. Give us a chance to help you through this. Plus, Keith…”
“What about Keith?”
“He’s hurting. He won’t talk to me about it, but I think he needs you to help him heal as much as you need him. I’m worried about both of you and don’t know what to do. I love you both so much, and I feel so helpless.” Rose’s eyes filled with tears.
In all the years that Katie had known the woman, she had never seen her looking as lost as she did now. Oddly, the knowledge that she could help Rose and Keith gave her a tiny sapling of strength. She hated that so many people had been hurt so deeply because of that one man’s choice. Anger bubbled inside.
“This is really fucked up, Rose. Really fucked up. I’m so mad and confused.”
“I know, baby. We’re going to go through a lot of feelings before this is over, but at least we’ll go through them together. Let’s get some food into you while I pack you a bag.”
“I’m not hungry.” Her stomach growled, but she feared that it would not stay down if she attempted to eat.
“At least sip some juice. I’ll call Keith and tell him we are coming home. One of us can come back here if there is anything else you might need, okay?”
After a short telephone conversation, Rose helped her to change out of her funeral clothes and into a t-shirt and yoga pants. Katelyn didn’t even look back at the house as they drove away. When they pulled into Rose’s driveway, Keith opened his wife’s door and kissed her as she exited.
“How’s our girl?” he asked, his voice filled with concern.
“She needs some space.”
“Space we have,” he said, making his way to the passenger side to open Katelyn’s door. He helped her out and embraced her in a deep, protective hug. “It’s going to be all right, sweetie. You’re home, and we are going to take good care of you.”
Katelyn nodded and headed straight to the guest room to lay down. She was asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.
***
After nearly a week of minimal food and copious amounts of sleep, Rose expressed her concern about Katie’s health to Keith. “How long are we going to let this continue? She’s like a zombie, and if we don’t do something soon, her health is going to decline. She’s losing too much weight, needs a shower and some fresh air. She’s horribly pale, too.”
Keith sighed in resignation. “I know, but she’s grieving. We can’t just tell her to get over it.”
“You’re grieving too. You lost your best friend who was like a brother to you. Why aren’t you acting like this?”
“I already told you that everyone is different, Rosie. I’m going through counseling at work and have the station helping me.”
“You won’t even talk to me about it. That makes me feel like you don’t trust me with your feelings, Keith.”
“I trust you more than I trust anyone in the world. I just needed some time to figure some things out; that’s all.”
“Like what?”
“Like when I’m going to take steps to protect you and my family like Mark did. I thought about what you said and even though being a detective isn’t my preference, I would rather have you feel safe and secure. I don’t want you ever having to go through this if I can help it.” Keith pulled her into his arms and held her warmly.
“You’d do that for me?”
“I’d do anything for you. I was selfish, and you made me realize that it’s time I made some choices that included more than just my own desires. The department offered me Mark’s position and said they would hold it as long as I needed to make the decision. I took the exam and, as long as I pass, the promotion is mine.” There was no excitement in his voice.
“Thank you. I can’t tell you how much this means to me, especially now that we have a little
girl we have to look out for.”
“I just don’t want anyone to think that I took Mark’s death as an opportunity to better myself. The whole idea sickens me as it is.”
“No one would ever think that of you, especially Katie. I think we will both feel safer knowing that you’ll be coming home to us.”
“The department took me off patrol, too,” he sounded miserable.
“They are looking out for you so that you can look out for her. Keith, she’s isolated herself, and I don’t know how to help,” Rose said softly.
“Have you tried getting her to the doctor?”
“She refuses. She’s resistant to everything. We need to do something. This can’t continue, Keith. It’s unhealthy, and we aren’t helping by letting her stay this way.” The deep furrow on her brow showed the depth of her worry. “I’m afraid to even bring up the topic of Mark’s will and the adoption papers. She’ll never accept the offer while she’s in this state. Then what will we do?”
At the mention of the adoption papers, a change occurred in Keith’s demeanor. His frown was suddenly replaced with a grin as if a light bulb had flicked on in his mind. “Maybe the solution is right in front of us. I think it’s time that Auntie Rose and Uncle Keith step into line and take over.”
“I’ve considered that. It has been a struggle not to put on my Auntie hat and take over, but she said she doesn’t want that dynamic without her daddy. What if she’s not ready? I don’t want to chase her away. She needs us, and we need her.” Her voice shook as she wrung her hands.