by Jack Skeen
Figure 9.2 Balanced Circle
Figure 9.3 High Power and Independence‐Driven Circle
If the assessment were to reveal that you have a balanced Circle:
Your actions would be driven by your need to be useful elsewhere.
The others in the meeting would perceive your actions to be reasonable, and your goal for leaving the meeting would have been to achieve some greater good elsewhere in the organization.
You would perceive the group you left not as having been a waste of your time or theirs.
You simply would have felt that a greater good could be achieved by all as a result of your absence.
If, on the other hand, your Circle was imbalanced and driven by independence and power:
You would probably be perceived as being insensitive and overbearing.
You would have left the meeting because you judged it to be a waste of your time.
Your main goal would have been to demonstrate your power rather than to serve a greater good.
Often your action itself is less of an issue than the driver of your action. Many people have trained themselves to outwardly reflect prosocial behaviors so that others perceive them to be positive, powerful, or sincere. Yet, they are out of balance and their imbalance shows up in ways that are far less than optimal for themselves and for others.
The assessment or deep self‐reflection on the issues as you go through the book gets to the core of the latent drivers of your behavior and can you help unlock your potential as your personal awareness of those drivers is increased.
Example 2: Power and Purpose‐Driven with Low Independence and Humility
On Ash Wednesday, an executive (who proclaims herself to be a Christian) ensures that she stops at church prior to arriving at work so that she spends the entire day showing everyone the ashes on her forehead.
Her Circle Blueprint most likely reflects either of the following:
Figure 9.4 Balanced Circle
Figure 9.5 High Power and Purpose‐Driven Circle
If the assessment were to reveal that she had a balanced Circle:
Her actions would be driven by the simple desire to display her faith to all whom she encounters.
The people she encounters throughout the day would perceive her actions to be truthful and sincere.
She would have no judgments toward those in the organization who are not displaying ashes.
With balanced independence she would have no concern for those with whom her religious display creates affinity or for those who might be put off by it.
If, on the other hand her Circle was imbalanced and this person was lacking independence and humility:
This act would be driven by the need to be accepted by others (perhaps a Catholic boss).
Her actions could be an attempt to show moral authority (low independence and humility).
She would be perceived by the organization in an unflattering way, perhaps as having an overly pious or judgmental attitude.
Examples such as these can sometimes spark strong reactions. That is why we include it. You might ask yourself what is more important, the outward sign (ashes) or the inward intention? If you believe the inward intention establishes the value of the outward sign you understand why becoming clear about our intentions is so critically important. It is possible that neither she nor the people who see her truly understand the reason she is displaying the ashes. But, her true intention is having an impact, either positive or negative. It is either a display of her balance, in which case her sincerity of heart will shine, or it is a hidden effort at manipulating how she is viewed, which will ultimately lead to nowhere.
An appropriate and reliable assessment or sound self‐reflection can unlock the latent drivers of your behavior. What is especially noteworthy is that often people are completely unaware of their imbalance and are acting on patterned behaviors that are creating misery in their lives and in the lives of those around them. It is important to note that we are not passing judgment. We simply see these imbalances as traps that take you off the path of thriving and reduce your chance to unlock your potential and greatness.
Example 3: High Independence and Purpose, Combined with Low Humility and Power
Bill is an artist. He sees himself as having a higher calling than most people and intends to live his life true to that calling. Hence, he spends all of his time painting. He hasn't yet sold a piece for more than a few dollars. Even though he is 30 years old, he certainly can't support himself and so he lives with his parents and has the very same bedroom he had as a child. In fact, his parents continue to provide him with most of the essentials he needs to maintain his life. He eats at their table and, when he needs transportation, drives their car.
Bill's Circle Blueprint most likely reflects either Figure 9.6 or Figure 9.7.
Figure 9.6 Balanced Circle
Figure 9.7 High Independence and Purpose‐Driven Circle
If Bill's Circle is truly balanced:
He would have accurately assessed that he has unusual talent as an artist.
His commitment to his craft would be sacrificial on his part, an investment in his calling that one day would prove itself with success and notoriety.
Bill would regret being a burden on his folks and would do everything within his power to minimize that burden, including getting a job to support himself.
If, on the other hand, his Circle Blueprint assessment indicated he had not yet fully cultivated his power and humility:
Bill's assessment of himself as a talented artist would likely be more of a wish than a reality.
He would be either unaware of his imposition on his parents or insensitive to it. It is likely he would feel entitled to their support because he believes himself to be so special.
Bill may be inclined to foster the fantasy of his talent despite persistent evidence to the contrary. Rather than becoming more useful in the world around him, he could become progressively more irrelevant.
Perhaps you know someone like Bill. It may be a chronically underemployed husband who believes he deserves a much better job but won't do what it takes to obtain it. Or the dreamer who thinks she is a talented musician and dominates her church choir even though she can't carry a tune. People such as these have not yet discovered their power, and yet have somehow created a social system that enables them to live with the appearance of autonomy and independence even though they have no real independence or autonomy at all.
Parents can foster this unhealthy pattern in their children when they take on excessive responsibility for their children's welfare. It is certainly necessary for parents to provide necessities for their children including food, shelter, clothing, instruction, correction, advice, and guidance. But, when parents feel obligated to provide designer clothes, state‐of‐the‐art electronics, the best private schools, world travel, and a college and graduate school education, the effort to prepare children for the future can backfire. Such excessive provision may actually undermine their children's independence and their successful quest to discover their unique power and place in the world. Instead of creating a solid base for success, parents can unintentionally foster their children's attachment to inflated fantasies of their giftedness and unrealistic expectations about life.
Sir Richard Branson is someone whose parents knew not to make that mistake. He tells this story of his early childhood:
There is a rather well‐known story about Mum stopping the car on the way home from a shopping trip and telling me to find my own way home—about three miles through the countryside, and I was somewhere around five years old. She was punishing me for causing mischief in the back seat, but she was also teaching me a larger lesson about overcoming my disabling shyness and learning to ask others for directions.
When hours had past, the sun was setting and Richard had not yet arrived home, his parents went looking for him. He had made friends with a farmer and was happily riding with him on his tractor. (Preston 2013)
While it
might seem irresponsible to leave a five‐year‐old child on the road alone, such challenges became opportunities for Branson to cultivate his resources. He learned to take responsibility for himself, to think creatively, to engage others when needed, and to master his fears. Many of the skills that he learned early in life equipped him well to go on to be a world adventurer and wildly successful businessman.
Because it is so natural for parents to want to provide and protect their children, they often get in the way of the critical life lessons that are necessary to gain independence, find power, learn humility, and discover purpose. Unfortunately, these parental miscalculations can leave their children with distortions in their Circles that undermine the quality and impact of their lives.
Example 4: Power and Purpose‐Driven, with Low Independence and Humility
Your father‐in‐law has a good job and some level of financial security. He decides that it would be a great idea to take the entire family (meaning your husband/wife, kids, brothers‐ and sisters‐in‐law, etc.) on a vacation cruise during the Christmas holidays. This would require that you spend the only vacation time remaining for the year on this trip with your extended family. You're also not overly excited about spending the entire holiday with your spouse's siblings and their spouses.
Your father‐in‐law announces the trip and tells everyone the tickets have been ordered. Your father‐in‐law's Circle Blueprint most likely reflects either Figure 9.8 or 9.9.
Figure 9.8 Balanced Circle
Figure 9.9 High Power and Purpose‐Driven Circle
If the assessment were to reveal that your father‐in‐law had a balanced Circle:
His actions would be driven by his desire to provide for his family.
The family would likely perceive his actions to be well intended and the gesture to be heartfelt and genuine.
He would see the gesture as simply trying to be nice and do something for others he loves rather than as an exertion of his power or showing off his wealth.
If, on the other hand his Circle was imbalanced and driven by power and purpose:
He may have been driven by his belief that he knows what is best for everyone regardless of what they say.
He may think that you are not taking this type of vacation because you cannot afford to do so, thus he considers himself to be very giving.
His main goal would be to demonstrate control and power rather than to provide a relaxing trip for the family.
The lack of independence in this imbalanced Circle expresses itself through his inability to know what makes him happy that presses him to piggyback on the fun he wants to make happen for others. The lack of humility in this profile would show up in his blindness to the true wishes of others and his insensitivity to the very idea that not everyone might want to spend their precious holiday and vacation time with dear old Dad. If he is out of balance, the result will be a vacation filled with tension, frustration, and resentment that will catch him by surprise as he fails to understand the drivers of his actions.
Example 5: Power, Humility, and Purpose‐Driven, with Low Independence
This example is very common and demonstrates the importance of having mastered independence before life can flourish.
A very powerful and wealthy man has taken the day off work to hang out with some friends. He lives in an affluent neighborhood in a large home. When his friends arrive at his house the man greets them at the door wearing only his dress shirt, boxer shorts, and dress socks—no pants. He invites his visitors into the kitchen. When they arrive they find several pairs of dress shoes strewn over the counter. The man begins the conversation with his visitors as he continues shining his shoes.
The visitors finally ask the man why he is standing in his boxer shorts in his kitchen polishing his shoes? He laughs and responds that his wife is out of town. The men are puzzled. The wealthy man explains that his wife doesn't allow him to walk around the house in his boxer shorts and he is not allowed to shine his shoes in the kitchen.
The wealthy man's Circle Blueprint most likely reflects either of the following:
Figure 9.10 Balanced Circle
Figure 9.11 High Power, Humility, and Purpose‐Driven Circle
If the assessment were to reveal the wealthy man had a balanced Circle:
His actions would be driven by his desire to engage in actions that are not pleasing to his wife but in a respectful way. He waits until she's out of town so he can relax, but there is no sense of having an “I'll show her who's boss” attitude.
If, on the other hand his Circle was imbalanced and driven by his lack of independence:
He may have been driven by his desire to engage in any behavior displeasing to his wife while she's away.
His main goal would have been to demonstrate that he can and will do whatever he wants, even if he has to do it behind her back. He feels a sense of control while she's away.
The good news is that you can get on track and make progress toward your goals by balancing your Circle. It doesn't matter where or when you start in balancing your Circle in order to find true fulfillment. What is important is that you start on the life‐changing process that can advance you from a life of mere survival to a rich life in which you can thrive and prosper.
The Assessment Process
You will begin by assessing your activities; what's in your Circle? This will help you see how you spend your time and how you feel about the choices you've made as you've prioritized your life.
As you work your way through each chapter, you will better understand each key element of your Circle Blueprint. At the end of each chapter you will be invited to complete the core assessment for that element or to reflect on this issue yourself. The assessment we provide will show you the results as you complete each chapter and compare the results with the preassessment. We will provide you with your detailed Circle Blueprint assessment. You may wish to do this through self‐reflection instead. Either way, you will have clarity about the areas where you need better balance and the specific factors of each element where you need the most work. This map will guide your development.
The immediate feedback assessment methodology enables you to gain insight into your growth through the interaction with the concepts that we presented. As you experience the power of growing and developing awareness, you will learn that you have the power to make real and constructive change in your life. This power emancipates you from whatever has been diminishing your spirit. As you balance and expand your Circle you will see that you have within you everything you need to thrive.
To begin your assessment process, please go to www.thecircleblueprint.com to create your logon. Your assessment is confidential. You will be the only one who sees your results. Once you log in you will be invited to begin the assessment. Alternately, if you are not interested in the actual assessment, substitute honest self‐reflection as we go.
Chapter 10
Independence
The Journey
Each of us is on a journey; the journey of your life. We pass through life poorly, wonderfully, or somewhere between. We may be fully aware of our choices along the way and wise in how we make them or we might be unconscious and quite unaware of both what we are creating and what we are missing. The one thing that is true for each of us is that the journey is a one‐way street. You can't go back and you don't get to start over.
One of the great dangers in the journey of life is to blindly follow the rules we were given as children. There is nothing wrong with the rules themselves but there comes a time when you must think for yourself.
Most of us were taught to be good people and to be responsible; both wonderful traits. But, it may be possible to be so focused on being good and responsible that we miss out on our lives; the ones that belong to us. We may hope to be rewarded someday for our obedience only to discover that day never comes.
If so, we failed to discover our independence.
The Independence Element
Independence
is the first and most fundamental step in achieving the maturity and satisfaction of a rich and balanced life Circle. Being independent means casting off all forms of dependence to gain the freedom to live your life—the unique life that belongs to you—in an unrestricted and unencumbered manner. It is our starting place because it is the most challenging and most fundamental step you can take. Until independence is mastered, development in the other three areas cannot occur. Without independence, you will not have a balanced life.
Independence is about taking 100 percent responsibility for your life and the outcomes of your choices. Independence is living with freedom from the self‐talk and the torment of inner doubts and insecurities. Independence is the ability to be undistracted by anxiety over the future and by guilt about the past such that you are fully aware of the power present in each moment. Independence is freedom from the drama created by others and from the stories in your head that create drama in your life. Those who have mastered independence understand that they are the source of all their success and of all their limitations. They don't perceive themselves to be at the mercy of anyone or anything. They never blame or complain. They only ask the questions, “How did I create this outcome?” And “What do I want to create now?”
Six factors influence your ability to gain independence. They are:
Decreasing crisis‐prone behavior. People who are crisis‐prone need to surround themselves with chaos, crises, and problems whether they actually exist or not. We call this drama. Drama can be defined as manufacturing emotional distress when it is not justified. We create drama by the stories we make up about life. We can create stories about how things aren't fair that make us feel scared so we act like victims. We can make up stories about how bad or wrong people are that make us angry. Those stories make us villains. Or, we can create stories about how much people need us to rescue them that cause us to act like heroes. Those who are not crisis‐prone certainly don't manufacture emotional distress. Instead, they are steady in how they live their lives, focused on moving forward and not easily distracted. They face issues squarely and with the purpose of resolving them as best they can.