by Jack Skeen
We hope that none of you will have to face so profound and sacrificial a challenge. But, in much smaller (and easier) ways, life calls you to the same issue. As you age, you lose some of the ability you had in your youth. You lose a loved one and must move on without the person you cherished. You get sick or hurt and must adapt. Acceptance is the quality that allows you to flex with life and move forward. It is such a wonderful skill to possess.
Self‐discipline. Those high in self‐discipline are able to do the things that need to be done. They can regulate their behavior, that is, they can do things that are not always enjoyable or that are hard but that must be done in order to reach their goal. John F. Kennedy gave a speech that spoke to this ability, saying that we choose to do difficult things “not because they are easy, but because they are hard; because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone.” Those without self‐discipline are not able to take on challenges that are difficult. Instead, they take the easy road, the one that steps around difficulty and avoids effort. But in so doing, it misses the development of character.
Self‐discipline has two parts. The first is the ability to make yourself do what you might not like and isn't necessarily easy, but is absolutely necessary to get you where you want to go. It requires an assortment of tools including the ability to encourage yourself, push yourself, hold yourself accountable, reward yourself, and even punish yourself when necessary. The second is the ability to deny yourself things you want but would get in the way of what you are trying to accomplish.
Everyone has wrestled with self‐discipline many times. You are determined to lose 20 lbs. and the process for doing so is pretty simple. You need to eat more of the right stuff, eat less of the bad stuff, and exercise on a regular basis. Now, comes the hard part. You must get yourself to do it! It isn't good enough to eat more of the good stuff while not eating any less of the bad stuff. It won't help much to exercise unless you have your diet under control. Practicing self‐discipline every day in small things makes it easier to apply it to bigger projects.
Power Chapter Summary
Power is a very important, but often overlooked, topic. Until you have found your power, you do not know the source of your uniqueness, the thing that truly makes you special. You have not discovered the gift that makes work fun, interesting, and deeply satisfying. You may have glimpses of your power from time to time. It might show up in your hobbies. But until you have made it the center of your life, you are missing out on a great adventure and a wild ride.
Each of the six factors can increase your power through:
Having self‐determination that manifests in taking charge of all aspects of your life and leaving nothing to chance or under the control of someone else.
Demonstrating strong self‐efficacy in the high level of confidence you have in your ability to not only get where you want to go but also in overcoming every challenge you face along the way.
Showing achievement‐striving in the ambitious goals you set for yourself and the amount of effort you are willing to expend to achieve them.
Filling yourself with zest that radiates to everyone in your enthusiasm, vigor, vitality, and optimism.
Accepting your life as it comes to you, the good and the bad, the easy and the difficult, the happy and the sad, with openness and grace and seeking to learn from every circumstance in order to make yourself even more effective.
Mastering self‐discipline so you can reliably follow through on your intentions and avoid temptations that could distract you from your path.
Each of the same six factors also can decrease your power in the following ways:
Until you have mastered independence it will be impossible for you to put your unique power to full use. You are likely to avoid seeing it clearly or be unwilling to fully embrace it because you are not sufficiently self‐determined.
If you are low in self‐efficacy, it will be difficult to believe that you have the power to make positive changes in your life. Hence, you will easily succumb to just getting by and accepting mediocrity.
Without sufficient achievement‐striving you are likely to set goals too low to be worthy of your greatness or to lack the willingness to work as hard as is necessary to achieve them.
Lower levels of zest, enthusiasm, vigor, and vitality mean decreased life energy. Your enthusiasm and vitality are the gas in your tank. If these are low, there is not sufficient energy in your life to make the changes necessary to shift to your power.
Lack of acceptance means you find yourself constantly fighting against whatever is occurring. You have set yourself up to resist the opportunities and challenges that must be embraced for you to have your power.
If you lack self‐discipline if will be difficult or impossible to stick with the course you have set for yourself. You will become easily distracted by whatever issues pop up in your day and will lack the will and determination to consistently move toward your best self.
Note: Please feel free to tear out this page for reference as you work through this chapter.
Power
We define the power component as finding your unique power. We believe that every person has power in them. Some of us have found that which makes us powerful and brilliant at a young age. Others know what our power is and have not yet had the courage to follow through on that path. Still others don't yet have a clue as to that which makes them truly unique and special. It is our hope that each of you moves further down the road of discovering your power and making it the very center of your lives.
Self‐Determination The commitment to take full ownership of directing your life and not allowing your life to be controlled by anyone or anything else.
Self‐Efficacy The confidence to believe you can exert control over your motivation, behavior, and social environment.
Achievement‐Striving The ability to set appropriately ambitious goals for yourself and the willingness to do what it takes to achieve them.
Zest This combination of traits—zest, enthusiasm, vigor, and vitality—point to the energy you bring to life.
Acceptance The openness to welcome whatever life brings and to invite and welcome feedback in order to increase your effectiveness.
Self‐Discipline The ability to keep yourself on track in moving toward your goals and to avoid temptations and distractions that might derail you.
Action Step One
Now that you have completed the chapter on power, please return to www.thecircleblueprint.com to complete the assessment. Once you complete it, you will receive the results to review before progressing to Chapter 12: Humility. Alternately, if you choose not to take the assessment, substitute honest self‐reflection on each element.
Action Step Two
After you take the assessment, move on to the exercises that follow. We offer exercises for each factor. In areas where you are not thriving, there is room for growth. If you want additional exercises, please consider our series of workbooks, available online at www.thecircleblueprint.com.
Steps to Increase Self‐Determination
Make a list of those areas where you are allowing someone or something else to determine your life choices. These could include your boss, spouse, friends.
Write next to each item on your list what you gain from not taking ownership of this area of your life. You might be avoiding conflict, responsibility, or risk.
Write next to each item what you stand to gain if you take over ownership of this area. You might become more independent, free, expressive.
Pick one item on your list that you are ready to own.
Express your intention to whomever or about whatever currently has control of you in this area.
Make yourself important enough to take over control of this issue. Don't let the fear of conflict or the opinions of others hold you back from making constructive change.
Steps to Increase
Self‐Efficacy
Notice where you lack confidence in your ability to have the life that you want. Make a list of whatever comes to mind.
Check to see if these areas where you aren't confident are important to you or if you think they should be important. If they aren't important to you, let them go.
Write down as clearly as you can what you understand your unique gift to be. If you are unclear, make a list of those things you do where you have the most success and from which you gain the most satisfaction.
Notice the power and success you have when you are doing what you love.
Begin to apply your power to the issues in your life where you want to succeed. In other words, consider how you approach the issues from your unique perspective and with your strengths.
Steps to Improve Zest
What did you do today that drained you of your energy? How can you avoid doing those things tomorrow?
When did you feel delight today? What were you doing? How can you do more of those things tomorrow?
If you followed your delight, where would it take you? What can you do to move in that direction?
List all the things you did today that engaged your creativity.
Design the perfect job to fit your creativity, bring you the greatest joy, and interest you the most.
See what you can do to alter your job to fit your perfect job.
Steps to Expand Acceptance
Notice where you are resisting what life is bringing to you, whether it is some change, opportunity, or obstacle.
Imagine what positive outcome might be on the other side of this change. If nothing positive comes to mind, be more creative.
Consider the thought that life is your friend and has good things in store for you. Remind yourself of this idea throughout the day.
Invite at least five people to give you feedback as to how they experience you, both good and bad. Accept whatever they say without resistance.
Extract one lesson from the feedback you receive and make a change based on that feedback.
Steps to Increase Your Self‐Discipline
Make a list of goals that are important for you to achieve.
Next to each item on your list, write down what you need to do in order to achieve it. List the steps from what needs to be done first to the very last step. If you have many goals, pick only one or two for this exercise.
Make a list of temptations and distractions that you are likely to face as you move toward your goal.
Create a list of rewards you will give yourself for the successful completion of each small step in your plan.
Create a list of punishments you will impose on yourself when you stray.
Learn to accept that straying from your plan doesn't mean you have failed. Simply recommit to your goal and get started again.
Chapter 12
Humility
The Violet
Down in a green and shady bed,
A modest violet grew;
Its stalk was bent, it hung its head
As if to hide from view.
And yet it was a lovely flower,
Its colour bright and fair;
It might have graced a rosy bower,
Instead of hiding there.
Yet thus it was content to bloom,
In modest tints arrayed;
And there diffused a sweet perfume,
Within the silent shade.
Then let me to the valley go
This pretty flower to see;
That I may also learn to grow
In sweet humility.
—Jane Taylor
The dilemma of true humility is captured so well by Ms. Taylor. Can we possess all of our beauty in such a way that we are content living in a “green and shady bed”? Can we enjoy all of our greatness while being content with being ordinary? This may not be such an easy task!
The Humility Element
Humility is quite simple to understand. Merriam‐Webster defines humility as “the quality or state of not thinking you are better than other people: the quality or state of being humble.”
For the purpose of the Circle we will define humility as having an accurate opinion of your talents, accomplishments, and limitations and keeping them in perspective. Humility is eliminating your self‐focus to the point of forgetting yourself.
We have determined that there are five factors that make up the humility domain.
Modesty is the absence of the need to have your accomplishments seen and valued by others. Instead, it is being content with the inner satisfaction of knowing you have done the right thing and/or that you did your best work. Modesty is the ability to see your value realistically and not by comparing yourself to others. Those high in modesty are confident enough in themselves to know their own value but also to know that even if their abilities are greater than those of others in some way, that does not make them better. People low in modesty like to show off their gifts and accomplishments. They think they know it all and will remind others of this fact often; they are “showy” about their abilities.
There is a phenomenon that psychologists refer to as “illusory superiority” or the “better than average effect.” While it is mathematically impossible for most people to be above average given the average is, by definition the middle, when asked, people consistently believe they are above average. In one striking study, 94 percent of professors rated themselves as above average, and we've all heard the classic story that most drivers believe they are better than the average driver. Why? Why can't we be moderate in assessments of our own ability or accomplishments or value? Why do we instead, tend to overestimate our worth relative to others? When we do this, we rob others of their value and set ourselves up for inaccurate, and unnecessary, comparisons that lead to pain in various forms, and, at high levels, can become narcissism.
Narcissism is the tendency to be preoccupied with being special and feeling superior to others. Narcissism leads to self‐focus; grandiose, and sometimes unrealistic dreams and expectations; a willingness to take excessive risk; and the need to prove one's superiority by external accomplishments like advanced degrees from the right schools, material possessions, titles, and pedigrees. Narcissism can lead to the exploitation of others and a manipulative interpersonal style. Highly narcissistic people have an excessive interest in, or even love of, themselves. They tend to have a high level of self‐obsession, believing everyone wants to hear their stories or watch their actions, and they might even take offense when others do not give them the attention they expect. Those low in narcissism lack this over‐the‐top self‐obsession and instead, are more neutral; they will share stories and actions but also listen to and watch others with an equal interest.
Perhaps you are familiar with the Greek myth of young Narcissus. One day Narcissus was walking in the woods when Echo, an Oread (mountain nymph), saw him, fell deeply in love and followed him. Narcissus sensed he was being followed and shouted, “Who's there?” Echo repeated, “Who's there?” She eventually revealed her identity and attempted to embrace him. He stepped away and told her to leave him alone. She was heartbroken and spent the rest of her life in lonely glens until nothing but an echo sound remained of her. Nemesis, the goddess of revenge, learned of this story and decided to punish Narcissus. She lured him to a pool where he saw his own reflection. He didn't realize it was only an image and fell in love with it. He eventually realized that his love could not be consummated and committed suicide.
This is such a common error in our world. Men and women come to see that which is special in themselves and become so enamored with themselves that they become the focus and center of their world. They become attached to being treated as if they are special and so demand such treatment wherever they go. They come to believe they deserve a certain standard of living to such a degree that if it is threatened or begins to fall away, they resort to all manner of deception to prop it up. They carry themselves with such swagger and exaggerated self‐confidence that they are
prone to excesses of every sort. Their preoccupation with their uniqueness distorts their ability to see how they might truly be most useful (and important) in the world.
We see examples of such distorted self‐love in many areas of life. Divas and rock stars sometimes believe their own hype and come to expect to be adored by thronging fans. Professional sports figures can't accept retirement even when it is obvious their playing days have passed. CEOs, military leaders, and politicians begin to think that they are untouchable and can write their own rules for life. They become like big balloons filled with their self‐aggrandizement that rise but only for a while. At some point, their distortion cannot be sustained and they fall to earth, often with tragic consequences for themselves and for others.
Self‐monitoring is the ability to see oneself accurately and so to understand how effectively you are interacting with those around you. Consider a computer, television, or science monitor—a dictionary might define this as “a device for observing.” It seems overly simple, perhaps, but that is a pretty accurate definition. All of us possess such a monitor for ourselves. We can observe our actions. Those higher in self‐monitoring possess the ability to respond to what they see in that monitor and make corrections in response to the circumstances. They notice how others respond to what is being done or said and make adjustments when necessary, such as clarifying statements when it is clear that others do not understand something that they have said. Those lower in self‐monitoring may not notice what they are observing or may not care, and, as a result, they do not make changes that are needed, given their observations.