by Sirloin Furr
***
Sammy Ammo’s knot had deflated, as the reminiscence of his genesis reinvested his purpose back into his being. Sammy remained by the window, observing Awful, Ohio, visually avoiding Chuck Splatter. Chuck Splatter and Doink McTriggers were still resting from the exhaustion of the contemplation rink.
The bathroom door of the log cabin opened, and Doink McTriggers, holding a folded newspaper, returned to the contemplation rink. Chuck Splatter was still sitting on the couch, staring at Sammy Ammo, hoping for more attention.
“Hey Sammy,” Doink had jumbled over to Sammy, excited to show him what he had read on the front page of that morning’s newspaper. He was hoping to receive praise for the discovery.
“While I was sitting on the toilet, letting the spuds loose, I was reading this newspaper, and noticed that Mad Ted was on the front cover. Here! Here, ya go! Read it for yourself!” Doink McTriggers earnestly rushed the newspaper to Sammy Ammo. Sammy Ammo had never been one to react emotionally and stared at Doink McTriggers a little bit, studying the fault lines on his face, before accepting the newspaper. Sammy Ammo began to read the article.
Chuck Splatter sat from the couch, as he and Doink McTriggers watched Sammy Ammo read the newspaper. Sammy Ammo’s eyes were running back and forth, line to line, like the platen of a typewriter, ringing at the end of each row. Sammy Ammo’s lips were jactating slews of undecipherable sounds, emulating the acts of ancient relics, reciting hymns to the local deity, grieving for deliverance before their foreshadowed sacrifice.
The skin covering Sammy Ammo’s forehead squeezed together after decoding every bit of information, folding into rolling wrinkles that hovered over his brow, compressing every ounce of passion and hope into beads of sweat, dripping from his face and blotting the newspaper with images of salvation. Doink McTriggers remained standing in front of Sammy Ammo, enchanted by the visual, and also growing with annoyance from not receiving his praise for doing a fine job.
The article had reiterated the meeting that Mad Ted had with his employees, speaking of his intentions of releasing change throughout his warehouse. The article was detailed with significance of how Mad Ted’s change amongst his own warehouse was going to be revolutionary for the city. Sammy Ammo eagerly absorbed every ounce of information that spewed from that article, as it became the fuel for the idea that the members of the contemplation rink were looking for.
“Well, gentlemen,” Sammy Ammo spoke effortlessly, carried by his newly discovered direction for fulfilling his destiny through sources emerging from his bathroom. “This is what we have been searching for.” Sammy Ammo circled the room, tapping the coagulated pistol along the surfaces of all the pieces of furniture that he surrounded. Chuck Splatter and Doink McTriggers eagerly awaited for Sammy Ammo’s words, anticipating them to fly from the lips of his mouth like a dove.
“According to this article, Mad Ted is forewarning a new system that will change the way his warehouse is working, altering the current situation. These new changes will also be indicted onto his workforce. However, it is widely known that his prodigious levels of efficiency will create more success in his warehouse, which will then spread to other work forces in Awful, Ohio, causing more hearts to secede. So we need to act accordingly. We know that Mad Ted and his modes of efficiency dictate the future and well-being of Awful, Ohio, so we must discover what these new modes of efficiency are, and utilize them for our destiny!
“These changes are going to occur through a new farce that will recast all of the prevalence that Awful, Ohio has become familiar with.”
Chuck Splatter and Doink McTriggers remained alert, but unaware of what it was that Sammy Ammo was attempting to let them know.
“But this new farce that he will unleash onto all of Awful, Ohio won’t remain something of the unfamiliar, because soon enough it will become so familiar with all the citizens of Awful, Ohio that it will sit within all of our bellies as if it had been there forever.”
The monologue that Sammy Ammo delivered was beyond the comprehensive abilities of Chuck Splatter and Doink McTriggers. Their minds were still hell-bent on creating damage and causing chaos throughout Awful, Ohio for no real reason. But they remained still and collected, and pretended to pay attention to the words that kept spilling out of Sammy Ammo’s face-hole, as Sammy Ammo’s ideas had mostly required their hell-bent aspirations, which acted as creative outlets for Chuck Splatter and Doink McTriggers.
Sammy Ammo had analyzed the article for a few moments more before concluding what his new found plan was going to entail. He wasn’t searching for content, but instead a lead. His eyes scanned through every letter, until they stopped at the article’s creator, Wilsie McHickoryboob. Sammy Ammo stared at the name until it was permanently cleaved into the soft putty brain that rested within his skull.
“Here gentlemen, we have obtained the name of the source of the information that we are looking for. This name will direct us, and we will seek and discover the body that possesses this name, and we will become one step closer to the destiny that we are attempting to seek.”
Sammy Ammo held out the paper in front of his audience, and let his index finger lay directly underneath the name “Wilsie McHickoryboob.” Chuck Splatter and Doink McTriggers observed the newspaper out of physical reaction, thinking that anything placed directly in front of their faces should be looked at, even if they were unable to interpret the intentions that Sammy Ammo was leading to.
But the name was seductive, rippling on the paper like the hips of a belly dancer. Their eyes were locked onto the hypnotic title as it filtered past their disinterest and into their minds, where it nested its existence into their obedient tissue.
“We will seek Wilsie McHickoryboob, acquiring more information on Mad Ted and his plans of change, allowing us to discover the information that we are looking for, the information that Mad Ted is going to use to execute his vicissitude!”
Chuck Splatter and Doink McTriggers became disciples of Sammy Ammo that morning. It was their newly discovered duty to succeed in his wish, and accomplish the goals that birthed from his mind. Sammy Ammo, Chuck Splatter, and Doink McTriggers dedicated the rest of the evening in deliberation, attempting to figure out where and how it was that they were going to find their newly discovered omen, Wilsie McHickoryboob.
Chapter 6
“I’ll write a script.” – Troy Slushy