by Nerys Leigh
“It’s very kind of you to say, Mr Johnson,” she replied in what she hoped was a noncommittal tone.
“Just the truth. And please, call me Jesse.”
She gave him a small smile. “Jesse.”
His eyes lowered to the floor between them and he drew in a deep breath. She couldn’t help noticing how it made his already broad shoulders even broader.
Goodness, what was wrong with her today? Fatigue, that was it. The long journey must have tired her out more than she thought. It was affecting her mind.
“I’m sorry I didn’t meet you at the station,” he said, picking unconsciously at a loose thread on the arm of the settee. “I, well, the truth is, I haven’t told you everything about me and I wanted the chance to be honest with you while we’re alone. To give you time to think about what I have to say.”
Now she was even more confused, and more than a little scared. “I don’t understand. Were you untruthful about yourself in your letters? Are you not an accountant for a bank?”
“Oh no, that’s all true. I never lied to you. There’s just something I didn’t tell you. Something important.” The thread looked in danger of unravelling the entire settee. “Something that would have been immediately obvious if I’d come to the station.”
She tried to imagine what he wouldn’t have told her and came up empty. “And what is that?”
He took another deep breath, released the abused thread, and clasped his hands together on his lap. “I can’t walk.”
It took a moment for his words to register. Her eyes went to a wheelchair sitting slightly behind the settee. She’d noticed it in passing when she walked into the room but had thought it must be for an elderly relative.
“Are you injured?”
“No, it’s not an injury. I have a condition called Little’s Disease. I was born with it. I’ve never been able to walk.”
For nigh on ten seconds she couldn’t speak.
He couldn’t walk.
How could he not walk?
What did that mean for her?
Her gaze flicked down to his legs. They looked normal, like anyone else’s legs, if somewhat longer. He would have been tall. If he’d been able to stand.
“Is there...” Her voice cracked and she cleared her throat before trying again. “Is there a cure?”
“No. I’ll be like this for the rest of my life.” He said it so matter-of-factly, as if it was normal.
As if the life she’d thought she was coming to hadn’t just been irrevocably crushed.
“Why did you bring me here then?” Was it rude to ask that? She didn’t know. She was beginning to think she didn’t know anything anymore.
“Because I want a wife, just like any other man. Because I want you to be my wife.”
“Then why didn’t you tell me?” she said, her voice rising. She never raised her voice.
He sighed and ran one hand over his hair. “You weren’t the only woman I corresponded with, Louisa. You weren’t even the first, by a long way. Before you, I exchanged letters with eleven other women and each time it went well, until I told them about my disability. Some of them wrote very polite letters back saying they were sorry but they couldn’t marry me. The rest just didn’t write back.” He leaned forward and for a moment she thought he was going to reach out to her, but he rested his elbows on his knees and looked into her eyes. “When I decided to do this, to bring someone here without telling her the truth, you were the one I chose because I knew you were the one I’d want to spend my life with. I have one shot at this and you’re it. I didn’t want to risk you saying no before I’d even had a chance to try to convince you to say yes. I’m not asking you to marry me right now. I’m asking you to stay for two weeks and get to know me. Pastor and Mrs Jones have been real kind and made you a room up in their house. Then if you want to go home, I’ll pay your fare back. If you really want to go back straight away, I’ll still pay your fare, but I’m asking that you give me a chance. Please.”
He’d clearly rehearsed the speech, his words precise and practised. Except for the please at the end. That was delivered with such longing it seemed to grab onto her heart. Which was ridiculous because words couldn’t grab hearts.
She took a steadying breath, attempting to corral her wild thoughts. Her first instinct was to tell him he should have trusted her, but Louisa couldn’t help wondering what she would have done if he’d told her about his disability in a letter like he had with all the women before her. Would she still have come? She had to admit to herself that she didn’t know.
Nevertheless, she was here now and, unexpected as the situation was, she had to make the most of it. Just as her mother had taught her.
She sat up straight and tried to think clearly.
“I have some questions,” she said. “Can I trust you to answer them honestly?”
He sat back and smiled, relaxing. “Nothing but the truth from now on, I swear.”
She raised her eyebrows. “Nothing?”
His smile faded, replaced by an awkward expression that inexplicably made her want to giggle. “Well, concerning my condition and our potential marriage. Not that I’ll be lying to you about other things, but there could be times when we don’t always want to tell the whole truth on certain things and I’m not helping my cause at all now am I?”
She covered her twitching lips with her fingers, but she could tell by the return of his smile that he could see her amusement.
Pursing her lips into seriousness, she lowered her hand. “If I was to stay, and I’m not saying I will, either for two weeks or forever, but if I was, what would my duties be?”
A small frown creased the space above his eyes. Which were the most dazzling shade of emerald green, she noticed.
“Duties?”
“Yes. For your...” She waved a hand at his legs. “To help you. What do you need done?”
His very green eyes opened wide. “Ohhh, you think that’s why I want a wife? To take care of me?”
An uncomfortable feeling she’d got something wrong crept over her. “It isn’t?”
He shook his head. “I don’t need anything like that. I live here alone. I can look after myself just fine. Have done for a long time now.”
She could feel her cheeks heating. “I’m sorry, I just assumed...”
“Most people do. It’s okay. I’m used to it.”
The dozens of marriage advertisements she and her mother had gone through came back to her. All of those men, she assumed, could walk just fine, but they mostly seemed to want a wife to do something anyway. Clean, cook, take care of the children, feed the pigs, slaughter the chickens, pan for gold.
“So why do you want a wife? There must be something you want.”
He shrugged and one side of his mouth hitched up in a disarming half smile. “Companionship. Friendship. Love.”
A shiver wobbled down her chest and exploded in her stomach. “Oh,” she whispered, when she could finally get the word out.
“Why do you want a husband?” he said, his gaze holding her captive even though she wanted to look away.
Her mouth became so dry she had to swallow before replying. Of all the reasons her mother and father had for wanting her to travel clear across the country to marry, love hadn’t made the list, not even at the very bottom.
“I... uh... there are so many reasons one would want to...” she drew a breath into her empty lungs “... marry. Financial concerns, security, social norms, reproduction...”
“But not love?”
She squirmed in her seat under his scrutiny. Wasn’t she the one who was supposed to be asking the questions? “I... never really thought about it.”
A slow, flirtatious smile slid onto his face. “Well, maybe you should.”
For a few seconds she couldn’t form a coherent sound. She looked away, frantically attempting to gather her thoughts. What was it about this man that flustered her so badly?
“I’ll, um, consider that.” She swallowed again. “A
nyway, returning to my questions.”
He sat back, draping one long arm along the back of the settee. “Go ahead.”
“Were you telling the truth about your employment?” His work. That would surely be a safe topic.
“Yes, I work for the bank. I also provide services for folks around here who find it easier to hire someone to do their accounting. I’m the only trained accountant for miles so I’ve cornered the market, you could say. You won’t have to worry about money.”
She nodded. Money was only one of her concerns, but she wasn’t certain how his inability to walk impacted the others. “Are you well regarded by the town?”
He snorted a laugh. “I reckon. I’ve never asked. Folks who don’t know me just regard someone who can’t walk as harmless, if they think of me at all.”
Understanding dawned. “So that’s why we don’t need a chaperone?”
“More often than not people who don’t know me don’t see me as a whole person. They wouldn’t even consider that I was capable of...” he frowned and looked away, as if seeking the right words, “...any kind of intimacy. As I said, harmless.”
“And are you? Harmless?”
The flirtatious smile returned, sparkling in his eyes. “That would depend on how you define harmless.”
She’d walked right into that one. She could feel the blush rising again and desperately tried to quash it. The trouble was, her final question could only make it worse.
“And can you... um...” She swallowed yet again. “Would you... is everything...” Huffing out a breath, she squeezed her eyes closed and blurted out the necessary yet mortifying inquiry. “Can you father children?”
There were a few seconds of silence and when he replied there was a smile in his voice. “No reason to think not.”
She didn’t dare look at him. If only the floor would open up and swallow her now, it would be a kindness.
“Louisa, it’s me,” he said. “I’m the man you’ve been writing to for months, the same man you were willing to cross the whole country for. That hasn’t changed. Other than not being able to walk, I’m no different from any other man. I have the same needs and wants and desires, and the same ability to be a good husband. I know you’re scared, but please, let me show you who I am beyond my disability. Get to know me.”
She opened her eyes to see all trace of his flirtation gone.
“Will you stay?” he said. “Just for two weeks? Will you give me a chance to prove I can be the man you’d want to spend your life with?”
What on earth should she do? She wished her mother and father were there to tell her since she obviously couldn’t trust her own judgement around Jesse. He made her feel strange. Discombobulated. And it had nothing to do with his inability to walk. It wasn’t a feeling to which she was accustomed and it was annoying and a little frightening and she didn’t understand it.
This was important. It was the rest of her life at stake. She needed to be able to think clearly, away from Jesse and his sparkling green eyes and smile that did stupid things to her heartbeat.
She took a deep breath. “If it’s all right, I’d like to think about it overnight.”
Shoulders slumping, he sat back. “Of course you can. I know this is a shock and I wish I could have somehow prepared you, but...” He shrugged. “Would you like something to drink? Or eat? I’m sorry I didn’t offer you anything when you came in, but I wanted to get my confession out the way first. I’ve been pretty nervous waiting for you to arrive.”
The loss of his smile made the room feel darker. She reminded herself it wasn’t her fault and she had nothing to feel guilty about. If he’d told her before she came... she probably wouldn’t have come.
A groan of frustration almost escaped. How was she supposed to think clearly like this?
“I understand,” she said, “and it’s quite all right. And thank you for the offer, but if you don’t mind I think I’d like to go to the house where I’m going to be staying. It’s been a long journey and I have a lot to think about.”
The sadness that flitted across his features came close to making her change her mind about getting away from him as fast as possible and a desire to see him smile again gripped her.
Fortunately, he nodded before she could say anything and said, “Anything you want.” He even smiled again, although no sparkle reached his eyes.
She wanted to see that sparkle again.
Stop it, Louisa. A lady of breeding is always in control. She grabbed onto her mother’s frequent reminders like a lifeline.
She wasn’t sure what to do as Jesse reached back to grasp the wheelchair behind him. Should she offer to help or would that seem rude? Her social upbringing hadn’t included people like him and she had no idea what he’d expect of her.
As it turned out, she didn’t have to do anything. She watched, impressed, as he pulled the wheelchair around to sit sideways on beside him, set the brake, and effortlessly swung himself from the settee into it.
“I’m sorry, but my father won’t be back for a while,” he said. “I thought you’d be... well, that you wouldn’t be leaving so soon. If you don’t mind walking, it’s not far.”
“Oh, walking will be just fine,” she said, standing. “I’ve been sitting on a train for the past week. I’m just happy to feel stable ground beneath my feet.”
His smile returned, the real one that made her insides quiver in the most frustrating manner. “Of course, if you get tired I can always give you a ride.” He patted his thighs.
Her hand flew to her mouth, the idea of sitting in his lap setting her cheeks flaming. Especially as she didn’t hate the thought one single bit.
“I think I can manage, thank you,” she said, desperately trying not to smile.
He wheeled towards the door and waited for her to go ahead of him. “Well, anytime you feel yourself weakening, just say the word.”
Chapter 3
Jesse wheeled slowly along the road away from the Jones’ house, at a loss for what to do next.
He should have expected this, but he’d been sure Louisa would stay with him for an hour or two, at least through supper. But evidently she couldn’t get away from him fast enough. He’d thought that once she met him face to face, spoke to him, saw that he wasn’t some helpless, drooling invalid, she’d forgive him his deception. Apparently he wasn’t as charming as he’d hoped.
Had he gone too far with the flirting? In her letters Louisa had been very refined and polite, but he’d also detected a sense of humour and mischievousness that had attracted him to her over all the other women he’d written to. So he’d decided to go all out and appeal to her fun side, hoping she’d see the same in him. Now, he wasn’t so sure. Maybe inviting her to sit in his lap had been too much. Although he hadn’t missed her smile, even though she’d tried to hide it.
They’d talked on the too short walk to the Jones’ house, but mostly about her journey and travelling companions. He hadn’t known what to say to convince her to give him a chance. What if she refused? Now he’d met her, he wanted her to stay even more.
At any other time he’d have gone to talk to Adam, but his friend would be married by now and have better things to do than raise Jesse’s spirits. Jesse envied him, not for his ability to walk but because he didn’t need to constantly explain himself. He wished he’d been there for Adam’s wedding, but he couldn’t take the risk that Louisa would take one look at him and get right back on the train before he had a chance to explain. He hoped his friend was happy though, and no longer as terrified as he’d been when they spoke earlier.
He wondered what Amy looked like. Clearly she couldn’t be as beautiful as Louisa, that wasn’t possible, but he hoped she was pretty. Despite his protestations otherwise, Adam wanted someone pretty.
His thoughts returned to Louisa. He got the feeling his thoughts would be on Louisa frequently from now on, wherever she was. He’d known from the photograph she sent that she was a handsome woman, but he hadn’t been prepared for her
lustrous auburn hair and pale blue eyes, or her beautiful voice, or the way she moved, practically gliding along as though she wasn’t touching the ground. He’d almost lost the power of speech when she first walked into his parlour.
He shook his head. He was being ridiculous. There were plenty of beautiful women in the world and Louisa was just one. If she didn’t stay, or even if she stayed and then decided to return home after two weeks, he could find another. Despite what he’d told her, she wasn’t his only chance. He’d been exaggerating to persuade her to stay, for all the good that did. He would try again. And again. For as long as it took and as long as he could keep paying for train tickets.
Although he would far prefer Louisa to stay. She seemed to be perfect in every way, how could he not? But he’d done everything humanly possible. Now all he could do was pray.
Lost in his thoughts and in no hurry to get back to his empty house, it took him far longer than it normally would have to reach home. When he finally wheeled through the front door and came to a stop, his shoulders rose and fell in a deep sigh. The house seemed emptier than usual, like it remembered Louisa’s presence and missed her.
Or maybe that was just him.
“Jesse?”
In his stupor of self-pity he’d left the front door open and the unexpected voice startled him. He rotated to find Mrs Goodwin standing in the doorway, a serving dish in her hands. His mood improved immediately, at least from his stomach’s point of view.
“Mrs Goodwin, come in,” he said, wheeling backwards to allow her room.
She frowned as she walked inside. “Are you all right?”
“Uh, yes, I’m fine.” He tried for a smile.
She smiled back so he must have made it convincing.
“I brought something for you and Miss Wood,” she said. “Just some of my beef stew and dumplings, nothing fancy. Is she here?” She craned her neck to peer into the parlour.
“Mrs G, your beef stew is better than the fanciest meal in the fanciest restaurant in the world. But I’m afraid it’s just me.” He waved through the door to Mr Goodwin seated on his wagon outside on the road then followed Mrs Goodwin into the kitchen where she set the serving dish on the table.