“Fair point. I’m just saying-”
“I know what you’re saying.” She didn’t need the speech. The ‘just because I feel this way’ sort of speech. “I care for you. You are a friend, a teammate, and someone I’d kill for. I’m not a teenage girl who needs love to have sex with someone. I’m fine just having sex with a friend. And we’ll see if it goes further. Thankfully, the other guys just let me do me when it comes to this stuff, and it’s not a problem.”
Now it was getting awkward. They had been doing really well and he had to go and say something.
“Plus, we’re going to get the muscle car and actually spend more time together. Let’s just see where it goes. Sex, no sex, doesn’t matter. I’m not running from you, though. I really do need to fucking pee.” She turned to leave the room, then waved a hand back at him. “And no, you can’t lie in my bed like that all day. That’s a no go.”
He was laughing as she left. She could hear her bed frame creaking and she hoped that meant she wouldn’t come back to him lying there waiting for another round. Not that it was a bad idea; her body just couldn’t handle another round. She had a feeling, from the creaking, that her bed couldn’t either.
She took her time in the bathroom, washing her face and taming her hair before she walked out.
“Well, good morning.” She was greeted by the sight of a grinning Zander in the hallway, leaning on the opposite wall. “How was your night, Sawyer?”
“I think you know how my night was,” she answered. “I’ll be out of commission for a couple of days.”
“Good to know. How are you? In terms of the other stuff.”
She hadn’t even really thought about it. She considered her feelings and shrugged. “It’s just what it is. We’ll deal. We’ll enjoy the holidays in private, then we’ll get back to work. People will…eventually forget about me.”
“I was really worried about you last night.”
“Thanks, but nothing was life-threatening.” She kissed his cheek and smiled. “We’re fine.”
“And now you’re with our cowboy, too,” he teased.
“I’m…sleeping with our cowboy. As for anything else, we’ll see.” She was already tired of that question. He might have been the first to ask about it, but considering Elijah’s behavior, it felt like she’d already done this dance number.
“All right, I’ll drop it.” He was still grinning. “You walking funny?”
“Yeah,” she mumbled.
“I’ve heard men and women praise the heavens leaving his hotel rooms the next day. I’ve always been slightly curious.”
“You couldn’t catch,” she pointed out. She couldn’t see him being interested in men at all, actually.
“You’re not wrong. I’ll just forever wonder if he’s really a god in bed. It’s not like I’m jealous or insecure. I know in a few days, you’ll be back in my arms.”
“This isn’t a competition,” she snapped, not liking that comment. She didn’t want them comparing themselves to each other. Even though she didn’t know what the hell was going on with all of this half the time, she knew that if they did that, it would go bad quickly.
“You’re right. I’m just trying to give you a hard time. Want to hit the gym?” He seemed really easy about all of it, smiling as if she hadn’t snapped at him.
“I think I’m too sore for the gym. I could use a good stretch, though.” She tested that, trying to stretch her arms over her head. It didn’t work. “Yeah, a good stretch.”
“You just want to pretend like last night didn’t happen?”
“Which part? Elijah, or that some IMPO asshole outed me to the press?”
“The press part. Elijah was just something we knew was going to happen. That’s not a surprise.”
She began to walk away, proving that yes, she did just want to pretend last night didn’t happen. She couldn’t do anything about it, so she was going to try not getting wrapped up in it. And what he said about Elijah just made her think of something else.
“Why are all of you okay with this?” she demanded as she started down the stairs, Zander on her heels. “This idea that I’m sleeping with all of you, that I’m dating all of you. It’s been a while now, and yet…” Sometimes she couldn’t accept that someone like Zander would be okay sharing. Or Vincent. Or Quinn.
“Would you rather we all fought and you ended up stuck in the middle of some childish male drama?”
“That’s an incredibly mature statement,” she muttered. Something about it annoyed her, Zander acting mature. It shouldn’t have. He was growing up and that was a good thing. Was he still hot tempered? Sure, but it wasn’t the same anymore.
“It nearly happened. I wasn’t happy you slept with Vincent - then I realized I was an idiot. I had always known it could never be just me or Jasper. What’s Vincent, Quinn, or Elijah? Plus, who cares? It’s our life. I told you that you could be with anyone, as long as I got a piece, and I meant it. I’m not going to get pissy that you’ve finally ended up with all of us.”
“I feel greedy,” she admitted. “I feel like I’m hoarding a bunch of good men from the world.”
He grabbed her before they made it to the bottom of the stairs. They were chest-to-chest on the stairs, and she looked into his green eyes, wondering what he was going to say.
“Be greedy. You are a reformed criminal. If that’s the vice you’re going to go with, then be greedy.” He grinned at her, that wide, immature, over-confident one she loved. “You know what really helps me deal with it? I can’t imagine myself with anyone else. I can’t imagine Jasper with anyone else, or Vincent, or Quinn, or Elijah. And they’re my teammates and friends, the people I’ve overcome death with, seen some hard shit with. So, I put my asshole side away, because damn, none of us in this house have ever had much happiness, but we do right now. And it’s with you. So I share. So I let you do whatever you want.”
“Just as long as you always have a place in it,” she repeated for him.
“Exactly.”
They all made it sound so easy, and all had different reasons for it. Vincent would tell her it’s because he thought he couldn’t be with her alone. They would slowly destroy each other with alcohol and depression. They needed others to keep them balanced. Quinn would just say she deserved strong males around her, and that the pack worked best if she cared for them all. She trusted their answers, because she had no reason to distrust them. None of them had given her any reason to think this would end any time soon, and she had a greedy heart.
They were nearly at the stairs to the basement when they were stopped by Vincent. “Come to the dining room,” he ordered.
Sawyer groaned, giving Zander a pleading look that he would let her sneak into the gym. He shrugged and turned to the dining room, not saying a word. She followed and saw Elijah walking down from the upper floor.
“Dining room?” he asked softly.
“Yeah. Any idea?”
“No, he just sent me a message to come down.” He tapped his head.
She walked in behind Zander, and in front of Elijah. The first person she saw at the table was Jasper, looking tired. He had dark circles under his eyes, papers in front of him that were disorganized. Unusual for him and Vincent. He wasn’t wearing his leg. She could see it propped up against the wall in the back.
She moved to sit next to him, since he was up all night dealing with her mess. She had been fucking a cowboy while he was figuring this out. She felt the pang of guilt she knew was coming as she leaned so her shoulder touched his. “Hey. Sorry about the mess,” she whispered.
“Me too,” he said dryly, nodding to all the papers. Then he cracked a small smile for her. “It’s fine. This isn’t your fault, or Elijah’s.”
“I know, but it wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t here.” There was no avoiding that.
“James and a few people in New York already have the guy who released the information and the pictures Rogers sent him.” Vincent eyed her, but she kept her attention o
n Jasper. She knew Vincent was fine. He lived for this sort of thing, the mess to be figured out. “There’s nothing to be done now. The press isn’t reacting well to the statements from the IMPO or the WMC, but there’s been nothing serious brought to our attention yet. James has promised they won’t pull us off our holiday early. It’s actually better that they won’t, since any assignment we get right now would be harassed and ruined by the media.”
“That’s good. What are they thinking for Rogers?” Elijah asked as he found a seat. He was next to Quinn, who looked bored. Zander sat on her other side, rubbing her thigh in a comforting way.
“We’re going to let him keep to himself. He might have accidentally caused this, but he didn’t do it maliciously. Curiosity isn’t a sin.” Vincent sighed, moving papers around.
“What’s all this?” she asked, reaching for one of the papers.
Jasper stopped her. “Our statements. Well, possible drafts. We aren’t sure if we want to give one yet, but it would be good to have something ready if we need to talk to the press.” He gave a sympathetic smile. “Including a few mockups and ideas for anything you might be safe saying to them.”
“Well damn,” she mumbled, pulling her hand back. She wasn’t fond of the idea of talking to a camera or doing some press conference.
“We’re also to remain on lockdown.” Vincent continued on, ignoring what she and Jasper talked about. “No trips to the bar, no visits into town. We need to let Estella go, which is something I’m putting off. She’s on holiday herself, so there’s no reason to rush to fire her when this might blow over by the time she’s due to come back.” He sighed heavily, sinking down in his chair further. “But other than some unneeded stress, we’re to continue on like normal. We should be fine. Sawyer…” He had such a sad look on his face, and she felt dread fill her chest. “Don’t look at the news.”
“Can do,” she mumbled. “I wonder…”
“What?” he asked, keeping an intense stare on her.
“I wonder what’s being said on the Dark Web. I had enemies, and now…well, it’s all out there. Who I am, who I’m working with now. It would be good for someone to keep an eye on that, just in case.”
“Shit,” Jasper snapped. “You’re right. I hadn’t even thought. Zander?”
“I’ll get on it now,” Zander said quickly, jumping up from his seat.
“Good idea,” Vincent said to her, nodding. “You know your old world better than we do.”
“It’s all I can think of,” she explained softly, hunching over. She wished for a moment it wasn’t her ‘old world’ that was the root of all her problems. It was still her world; she was just on the other side of it now. “Best to keep an eye out. It’s probably not just the press dragging me through the mud right now.”
“It isn’t just the press. We’ve already had not one, but two Councilmen come out and say they disagree with the ‘consensus’ of the Council. We’ve had agents from the IMPO speak against the organization’s decision to let you work among us. And it doesn’t end with you.” Vincent looked around at all of them after that. “Team, many are calling for us all to be fired. It’s worse for me than all of you. Once again, having a specific last name seems to bring me more trouble than anything else.”
“These aren’t problems we haven’t encountered already,” Elijah reminded them. “This is just on a larger scale. That’s all. We can manage.”
“We haven’t even made it a year into my term,” she said, groaning. “A year out of five.”
“Well, at least it can’t get much worse from here,” he replied sympathetically. “You can only be outed once, right?”
He had a point. They could only do this to her once. When the dust settled, it couldn’t be kicked back up nearly as fiercely. The team just had to weather the storm.
With all of that covered, she closed her eyes and mentally plucked the bond between her and Sombra like a string of a guitar. It led out to the woods.
“Did she stay out all night?” she asked without opening her eyes. That would worry her. It was too cold for her jaguar to be overnight without someone keeping an eye on her.
“No, she stayed with me and my boys,” Quinn answered. “I let them out to hunt for breakfast, to keep them out of the way.”
“Thanks. I’m glad to know someone was looking out for her. I should have checked on her last night.”
“You had other things on your mind.” It was said casually, but she knew Quinn was probably smiling. She peeped at him with one eye and sure enough, he had a knowing smile on his face. He would know exactly what she had on her mind last night, every little detail.
“I’m going to the gym,” she announced, deciding not to say any more about her night or stay in the knowing gazes of the men around her. As she stood up, she remembered something else. Looking down at Jasper, she sighed. “I guess this means no date later this week.”
“Yeah.”
“Maybe we can do something here?” she asked. She really wanted to spend time with him, just to hang out, just to enjoy his normalcy.
“Maybe,” he mumbled. “We’ll see.”
“All right.” She walked away, not liking his answer. Why did it feel like he was slipping away? The date when his school was over was supposed to be a chance for her to be with him, but now she didn’t have that. She was pulled in too many directions. Vincent, Zander, Jasper, Quinn, and now Elijah. The job, her past, their future, the press, their bosses.
Things were bound to slip. She just didn’t want it to be one of the guys.
Before going down to the gym, she went up to her room and got into the right clothing. She enjoyed being alone for a moment, away from the people and things that pulled her around. She needed to stretch before the soreness became stiffness, and she needed to beat on something.
She could no longer avoid the anger at her situation. It was curling in her chest, festering, and she needed to beat it out. She needed to give it an outlet before she snapped and lost her temper with someone.
In the gym, she grazed her fingers over the punching bag. First she stretched, ignoring the punching bag for a moment longer. Her legs, arms, and back all needed some attention, and she was glad Zander hadn’t come down with her this morning.
She was too angry. She could only hide it for so long, and Elijah’s distraction the night before had definitely taken her mind off everything, but now? Now she needed to let it out.
She thought about the people with the cameras. The condemnation in their voices, the pushiness of their attempts to invade her privacy. The shocked stares.
She thought about what they were probably saying about her on the news.
She thought about the Councilmen and IMPO agents who were speaking out.
“I hate them,” she mumbled to herself. “I hate all of them.”
Her fist slammed into the punching bag hard enough to make it swing.
“They have no idea,” she hissed, hitting it again. They had no idea how hard it was to wake up some days. They had no idea that she had never wanted it, never wanted any of it. The pain, the blood, the death. They had no idea about the black hole in her chest that couldn’t ever be filled, no matter how hard others tried. They looked at her and saw a killer, and that was all she would ever be. Because the world had no space for a woman like her.
She hit the punching bag again.
She knew she was wrong about that last part. The world did have space for her. There were those who understood her and stood beside her.
She hit the punching bag again, ignoring that she had bad form, splitting one of her knuckles open and making it crack painfully.
It didn’t stop that the judgment hurt. It always hurt. It would never not hurt. She could shove her chin into the heavens, try to ignore them all, but damn, it always hurt.
It hurt that none of them would ever care that she did it all for a little cat and a little boy. None of them would ever understand the lost ones, the ones she had just wanted to protect.
All this judgment from them wasn’t worth it, because she had failed. She hadn’t been good enough to keep them alive. She hadn’t killed well enough, pleased him enough to stop him from losing his temper.
None of them would ever know or care. Not about Midnight or Henry. Not about her.
None of them ever cared enough about any of them.
She couldn’t stop her knees from hitting the floor, her arms wrapped around the punching bag.
None of them would ever know or care that she was as much a victim as the ones she killed. The only thing she had on everyone else was that she survived - and would continue to survive.
She didn’t know how long she knelt there, crying into the bag. Someone must have found her, since a hand touched her shoulder. She nearly jumped, realizing she hadn’t been paying any attention. She should have known, heard him, something.
But large arms just wrapped around her and pulled her up. “I knew I would find you like this. What is it, little lady?” he asked softly.
She buried her face to his chest, grabbing on to his shirt. “I failed,” she answered. “They condemn me for everything I ever did, and they don’t even know I failed. They don’t know Henry is dead because of me. Because I wasn’t good enough. He’s fucking gone and all they care about is the surface. They have no idea. They have no idea how much it fucking hurts.”
He held her tightly to him, rocking slightly. “I have you. I understand. Just let it out.”
“Not going to give me away this time?” she asked softly, her hands shaking. She remembered how he’d passed her off to Vincent the last time she found herself in the dark.
“No, not this time,” he whispered. “I’ve got you.”
She leaned into him and cried. December was going to find every reason to remind her of Henry. It was always going to go back to him. It was going to eat away at her until she was nearly insane - then the month would be over. This was her life.
An Echo of Darkness (The Redemption Saga Book 4) Page 12