by Stacy Reid
He dragged the heavy, sodden skirts of her dress up, his fingers tangling into the material, inching it upward little by little. His touch lingered against her calves, her knees, her thighs, then skating past her garter along her thigh, and then he was at the wet, warm center of her sex. He was touching her there.
And it was glorious.
She cried out brokenly, her breath coming in ragged gasps. They both froze at the wicked, wicked act of intimacy. She felt the weight of his touch, the shocking pleasure, and the impropriety of it. Before she could process it all, his hand disappeared, and he urged her to recline. Kitty complied and braced on her elbows, staring at him in dazed arousal. She wanted to protest when he lowered himself, as surely his back and hips would suffer for it. She made to rise up, and one of his hands pressed against her stomach, the casual, dominant touch spiking lust through her veins.
She felt his smile of pleasure against her wet, aching folds…and then he kissed her even more carnally, taking her nub between his teeth and devastating her senses. She cried out sharply, unable to contain the sound. The urge to whisper to him beat at her, but what to say? If there were words that would encourage more of his diabolical debauchery, they eluded her.
Only incoherent sobs tore from Kitty. And pleasure—the exquisite pleasure was overwhelming.
Kitty arched into him, sobbing with the terrible need working through her system. She needed more to reach that unimagined pinnacle that hovered with such intensity. “Alexander, more,” she demanded huskily.
He licked her drenched sex, forcing a piercing pleasure through her swollen nub every time he caught it with his tongue in a sweet, carnal glide. He released her from the diabolical torment of his tongue and rose up so he could peer into her eyes. His features were savage, a grimace of male ecstasy.
“I want to see you, touch you,” she said shakily.
Without waiting for a reply, she removed his waistcoat and started to unbutton his shirt. Her duke went still, the expression in his eyes stark and wary, but she also spied his indomitable strength.
“You are scared,” she said softly, pressing a tender kiss to his lips.
“Only my doctors have seen me…” He leaned in and placed his forehead against hers. “I want you to…”
“My darling…thank you for trusting me.” She leaned back and held his eyes as she removed his shirt. The pain and agony painted on his body burned her throat with tears. There were so many scar tissues on his left side, from his chin down to his neck, chest, and stomach, disappearing into his pants. Kitty could not imagine enduring and surviving such pain. She glanced up from the scars on his stomach and met his eyes. With boldness and wickedness she had never dreamed herself capable of, she opened the buttons of his trousers. Even there he had scars on his hips….
She reached into his pants for that bulge that testified he wanted her with a similar need.
“Katherine,” he began warningly, his throat working in deep, almost nervous swallows.
She caught the thick, warm length and stroked him, at first clumsily and then with more boldness. He trembled in her embrace, his face a grimace of awe and lustful greed.
“This should not be possible,” he groaned, cupping her cheeks and kissing her with an almost violent passion.
Their lips pulled apart, only a scant inch between them. “Why not?”
“I…I…” He pressed his forehead against hers, his words missing. Cupping her chin, he stared into her face, his eyes searching, for what she did not understand, but she submitted to his need.
He was silent, watching her. But it was more than that. He had disappeared somewhere, inside that emptiness that had saved him. But she saw it now, peeking at her like a live entity. She could almost touch the wall of terrible isolation that surrounded him. She leaned into him and kissed his chin. “I am here, in this moment with you.” And forever…I want to be here with you forever. “You are so beautiful, Alexander.”
A small smile curved his lips. “You are still lovely even when you say such foolish things.”
Kitty kissed him, at first with gentle tenderness but then with all the passion and growing love in her heart.
“Open your legs for me,” he murmured against her mouth.
She complied immediately, snared by the command in his tone and the lust in his eyes. He pressed closer to her body, a hard, muscled thigh pushed between hers, spreading her legs even wider. Without breaking her gaze, he slipped one of his hands between them and down to her wet sex. In his eyes, she saw a hunger deep, wild, and so urgent, it scared her.
A very strange but sweet twisting ache stirred in her belly, and her heart quickened. He slid a finger inside her, a slow penetration that arrowed a thousand darts of fire to burn her from the inside. Another finger entered her, a pinch of pain that melted quickly, and then he began to move in and out while his thumb pressed and rotated against her nub of pleasure.
Kitty cried out and arched upward as an unbelievable sensation spasmed through her. Her body bowed, her breath catching on a near sob, as lust rose and splintered inside. He held her as desire made her body tremble, destroying everything she thought about herself.
Oh God. What have I done, and why do I want more…everything?
Yet she could not move from the warm shelter of his arms or the soothing touches against her back.
Chapter Nineteen
The agony in Alexander’s cock was…exquisite.
It was the most beautiful, most painful pleasure he had known in his life. The feel of her lips against his neck, his hands on her bare flesh, her tentative touch against his hardened length. With a groan, he stuffed himself inside his trousers. He tasted Kitty in his mouth now as he never had before—sweet, so damn sweet—and her subtle lavender scent infused his lungs. Her thighs had trembled beneath his carnal kisses, and he wanted to take his cock and sink it into her welcoming heat.
Merciful Christ.
Alexander wanted her forever; the need was so visceral, he almost fell to his knees. She had the potential to be his heart, his soul, the happiness he had always believed he would never find. He trailed his fingers up the length of her leg and over her silken stockings. Then he explored farther, letting his hand drift up the sensitive skin of her inner thigh. Soothing her. Wanting her.
His member, which he’d thought dead, got even harder, and the muted pain in his back and left leg began to shout louder, but he ignored it.
“Why did you stop?” Her voice was tentative and roughened with burgeoning passion. Admittedly, she did not understand what it was she asked. It was the desire clouding her judgment.
Lowering his head to press his forehead against her trembling shoulder, he swallowed tightly, fighting with every iota of self-control he possessed. She did not deserve ruination. He was not a villainous seducer. So he would not slake his newly awaking lust on her body…even if she seemed so wet and wantonly willing.
How could he compromise her virtue more than he’d done already and trap her into marriage when he could never guarantee her a family or a normal life? He’d accepted the loneliness—to consign her to a similar fate was cruel indeed.
There was a chaise longue farther into the conservatory, and he would take her there. He lifted her into his arms, grunting at the fire that sliced through his back. She leaned into him as he carried her, resting her head on his shoulder. His heartbeat seemed far steadier than hers. His legs felt as if they would buckle at any moment, but he ignored the pain, hating that he would never be whole enough to experience certain joys with her. He was only thirty years of age but felt the weight of every wound and scar he’d suffered.
They reached the chaise, and he lowered himself in it, taking her into his lap. Her eyes widened as she felt the proof of his arousal. It was more than that— His cock was so painfully hard, it felt it would split through his wet trousers.
Kitty peered at h
im with that same expression of tender yearnings she’d had in the rowing boat. If only…
He did not want to lose her.
The unexpected thought gave Alexander an odd panic. He accepted then that she was totally wrapped around his heart, and there would be nothing left once she was gone. “I would lay the world at your feet if I could, Katherine.”
Her eyes crinkled at the corners. He loved that her eyes always smiled first. Then her lips curved, and her whole face changed, glowed, making her even more beautiful.
“I do not need the whole world. Just a little bit of you, Alexander,” she said huskily, her gaze searching his expression intently. Then she leaned in, and her lips trembled against his in a soft kiss.
This can mean nothing, he wanted to warn her. But could not bring himself to say the harsh words. She cupped his jaw tenderly, and her touch was like a soft brush of satin.
“I never knew pleasure could be so beautiful. Thank you for sharing it with me.”
The impending sense of loss drove him to lean forward and place his lips tenderly on her brow for long moments. His throat burned as he grieved for the thousand small moments they would never be able to share.
She leaned back and peered into his eyes. “What was that for?”
Her words trembled, and in her gaze, he spied fright, as if she sensed the pain of his decision cleaving through him. Farewell.
“It is time for you to return to London,” he said.
Her eyes flashed with defiance. “Alone?”
“Yes.”
Her entire body went rigid, and wounded eyes settled on him. A breath shuddered from her. “And what we just shared?”
“Do not look at me like that, Katherine. I made no promises.”
“Then make them now.”
Something broke inside him. Odd, that, for he’d genuinely believed he had nothing but emptiness inside.
She kissed the underside of his jaw. “Make them, Alexander…and I’ll make mine as well.” This was breathed with that fascinating mix of shyness and daring.
I promise I will cherish you forever. Yet he did not utter those words. He said, “Do you not wish for children…a family to dote on? To travel the world, to live life with your unique, inspiring boldness?”
The barest of tension wound through her frame. “I…”
“Honesty, Katherine. That must never be compromised between us. Now answer my question.”
She uttered a tiny spurt of laughter. “I believe many, if not all, women have such yearnings. I, too, desire to have a large family, but I do not define my hopes and dreams by it.”
Children…a boy, a girl…maybe two more or six. Alexander’s heart jerked in pure, startled joy at the visceral images of a boy and girl running through the halls chasing puppies, of Katherine laughing as she chased after the rowdy bunch. She would be just as sweet and informal as his mother had been. Even more so, for she did not seem to be the kind of woman impressed by society’s dictates.
His Katherine would be…
His mind blanked. My Katherine? No…not my Katherine…never mine.
Suddenly he felt unsteady again, the old needs roaring to the surface.
The anguish of all he had lost and would never regain broke through the hollow grave he’d buried it in so many years ago. Once that ugly loss had haunted him like a specter, cutting daily into his flesh anew with wounds that felt as if they would never heal. He wanted to roar, for he’d defeated this loss of hope, had stomped it into the earth, had triumphed, had seen some small flashes of light in the darkness. He had held on for so long, hiding in the emptiness, but now it was revealed that hard-won peace and contentment with his lot was only a mirage.
“You make me hope,” he snarled low and dangerous. “Like a goddamn idiot, you make me pray, you make my throat burn with the need to scream and beg God to give you to me, to treasure, to worship…to love until the end of my days.” He had to close his eyes to control his ragged breathing.
“Alexander….”
“I will not love you, nor will I ask you to stay,” he ground from between clenched teeth.
She had gone very pale.
“Eventually the need for more will eat at your soul, and I could never bear to see you so unhappy and unfulfilled.”
He could not allow her to own his soul, for his fragile world would fall apart.
…
Pain washed through Kitty in waves, making her breathing choppy, the fight to hold back her tears impossible. God, it was ridiculous to feel this profound sense of…hurt, and desperate, tearing loss. No promises had been made, and she had been the one to allow improbable dreams to fester deep in her heart. Yet every sigh, kiss, and illicit touch had communicated such passion and want. “Do you deny there is something between us?”
His expression closed. “Do not be silly. There cannot be, for I have nothing to give you.”
The chilling finality in his tone cut her heart in two. She rested her forehead against his and closed her heart against a buried desire. “I can live without children. Our life can be rich and incredible in so many other ways, my darling.”
He jerked as if she had punched him in the gut.
Every muscle of his body appeared rigid and locked in place. “I would never do that to you,” he said fiercely, his eyes flashing with dangerous ire and need. “I am not that damnably selfish to confine so bright a treasure as you to my lonely existence. Family means so much to you, Katherine; you placed your reputation and future at risk for them. You came here, not knowing what I would demand from you, for them. I could have been a dastardly villain who would have seen you only to ruin, ravishment, and scandal, yet you came. You are fearless and boundless, and that is how you should live your life in every way. None of what you are should be caged or contained, by you, me, or anyone else.”
Kitty’s heart skipped a beat and then another. “I would not be lonely… You would not be lonely… We…we would have each other, always.”
He reached out to brush a strand of hair from her neck. “It is more than that. I may never be able to make love properly, and certainly not with the frequency a woman of your lush passion deserves. Nor would I even be able to give you the full joys of pleasure that a man can give his woman. You are a flame, Katherine. A burning wonder whom I cannot cruelly hurt with my desires.”
“No…no, Alexander. Do not decide for me! Do not try to silence the passion in my heart for you. We will make the best of our situation, and I shall not be unhappy at all,” she vowed fiercely.
“Your naïveté is truly remarkable,” he murmured icily. “Our…engagement has ended, Katherine.”
Her lips opened and then closed soundlessly. A chill trembled through her. “How do you know we cannot be happy together?” she snapped, anger and loss tearing through her, for she could feel his conviction, see that distance growing in his eyes. “You simply decided that we cannot work, without trying. I did not think you a coward!”
“Katherine—”
“Are you afraid of living because you are terrified to face pain and loss again? Are you?”
“Do you dare?” he snarled, his eyes flashing a dangerous warning.
A chill danced over her body, removing the earlier satiety of heated arousal. “Yes! I dare because I see how you look at me, feel how you touch me. And I can also see that you are afraid of reaching for me. But I am meeting you halfway, my darling. I will come in even further if you’ll but open your arms.”
He flinched, his eyes darkening with shadows and emotions she feared she could not pierce. It scared her that even at this moment, it was as if she did not know him, that there were so many complexities to this man, it would take a lifetime for her to unravel, understand, and accept them. She feared that perhaps she was too limited in her understanding of pain and tragedy to comprehend his demons.
“And when you t
ravel the world, exploring Italy, France, Egypt, the places and distant horizons in your hearts, will you do it with a man in a wheeled chair?”
“Yes!”
“Liar,” he snapped.
“Do you doubt the feelings that have grown down to my very soul for you?”
“They will not last.”
“Do not presume to judge the strength and honor of my character.” Her voice broke, and to her astonishment, her eyes were welling. She had stopped dreaming of children and a husband so very long ago. She had known such things were not meant for her, not when she had her mother and sisters to protect and ensure they had a bright future.
But from the night she’d danced with the duke, something unfathomable had pierced that acceptance. She had hoped again for the dream of love and family, the desire to see the world, or as much of it as she could, which had once been hers. What she hadn’t expected but wanted more than anything in the world was the wonder of the man before her. And now it felt as if her heart was being utterly devastated.
“I can make you happy,” she breathed out shakily.
“I do not doubt it,” he said hoarsely. “Because you already do, my Katherine. You already do.”
She reached between them and pressed the flat of her palm against his chest, right above his heart. She could feel its beat drumming fast and hard beneath her touch, and his chest was moving rapidly.
“Let me love you,” she whispered against the pulse fluttering madly at his throat before biting down hard.
The words fell into the space between them. She leaned back and met his stare. He looked helpless, hungry, and before he could protest, she shifted in his lap so her legs spread open over his thighs. The man looked so shocked, she almost laughed, but only a hoarse, choked sob escaped her. He inhaled sharply as she rolled against him.
“What the hell are you doing?” he demanded, gripping her hips as if he would shove her from his lap.