by Jamie Knight
“Hey, it’s me and it’s open. I just gave a courtesy knock in case you and the professor were in here getting it on.”
She laughed loudly, her loud mouth opened wide as she cackled at her own joke. I groaned, the noise of her laughter clanging in my ears like bells.
“I don’t feel well today,” I told her, burying my head into my pillow, hoping that the room would stop spinning.
“Oh no! What’s wrong?” asked Layla, rushing to my bedside, rubbing her hand up and down my back.
“I’m not sure,” I said. “I haven’t been sleeping too well and I’m stressed. So, maybe that’s it. But I need to study so that I can be ready for the tests that I have tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow? I thought that you told me that you had the tests today? I came to walk you to class while quizzing you on the way, per your weird request.”
I leaned over and looked at the digital clock next to my bed.
It was 7:30 am. I had meant only to take a nap but instead I had ended up sleeping the night away. I went into a mild panic and tried lifting myself out of bed. I was met with a wave of nausea and started wretching uncontrollably, leaning over the foot of the bed. Nothing came up. I fanned my flushed face and looked up at Layla.
Layla’s eyes widened and she put a finger in the air as if a lightbulb had just gone off in her head.
“Will I be hearing the pitter patter of little feet?” she asked, a sneaky smile on her face, clapping her fingertips together softly.
“Huh?” I asked, confused by her question.
“Babies! Are you pregnant?” she asked, eagerly.
My mind was reeling.
There was no way that I could have been pregnant.
Or could I have been?
Jace and I didn’t use any protection the first time that we slept together. And now that I knew that we shouldn’t sleep together anymore, this would be a disaster, to end up pregnant by my professor in the middle of my first year in college.
I couldn’t stop the thoughts from rapid firing as I muttered a slur of indistinct words. Layla put her hand up, signaling for me to stop trying to talk.
“Look, let’s just take things one step at a time,” she suggested. “There is a health clinic here on campus that’s pretty good. At the very least, go to them and take a pregnancy test. Then, we can take things from there.”
I sighed. That seemed like a good plan. Good old practical, determined Layla saved the day. Or at least she saved me a few minutes of worrying.
Layla helped me to get dressed and walked me over to the health center. The lobby of the office was filled with students. Some were slumped over, their eyes and nose puffy and red. Others, mostly girls, were sitting nervously waiting. I wondered if they were waiting on the same news that I had come to get.
I signed in and waited for the nurse to call my name. When she did, I walked down a long hallway to a small, sterile office. The nurse handed me a cup and told me to pee in it.
“Are you pregnant?” she asked, holding a clipboard, her pen hovering above the paper on the clipboard, waiting for my answer.
“I’m not sure,” I answered, my head lowered in shame.
She looked up at me, blinked a few times, and patted my hand.
“Well, you will find out today,” she said.
She instructed me to leave the cup inside of a cabinet in the bathroom and disappeared around the corner.
Well, here goes nothing, I thought. I closed the bathroom door and took one of the few tests that surely would seal my fate, one way or the other.
It took forever for the doctor to come around. He was a chubby, middle aged man with thick bifocals and blonde hair that was bald at the top and thinning on the sides.
He pushed up his glasses to read my name on the top of the clipboard. He appeared to be struggling to read it, as if maybe his already strong prescription should have been even stronger.
“So, you’ve come to find out if you’re pregnant, is that right?” he said, glancing down at me, a disapproving scowl on his face.
“Yes,” I said sheepishly.
He grunted and wrote something down on the clipboard.
I asked for him to write down the results of the test on a slip of paper for me to read later. I wanted to wait until I was ready to find out. The doctor gave me a funny look, but nodded, scribbled something on a slip of paper, and handed it to me.
“You know, school is supposed to be a place where you get your life off to a great start, not find ways to ruin it,” he said over his shoulder before disappearing around the corner.
Once I got over the shock of what he said, part of me knew that he was right.
When I shuffled back out into the lobby hours later, I was surprised to find Layla still sitting there. She jumped up and ran to my side, wringing her hands nervously, her face riddled with worry.
“Well?” she asked, her voice high pitched and strained.
I shoved the slip of paper in her direction and watched silently as he eyes scanned the words on it. She folded the paper and pressed it into my hands.
“Congratulations!” she said, throwing her arms around me in a tight hug.
I unfolded the paper and looked at it over her shoulder, half-excited that she was so happy.
My heart fell as I read the words on the paper:
You are pregnant.
The words read like a bad omen.
What was I going to do? Was I going to have a baby in the middle of my first year of college? And what would Jace say once I told him?
Jace was going to be a father to my child.
“I think that I need to get some fresh air,” I told Layla. “Alone.”
She put her hands up in surrender.
“I totally get it,” she said. “If you need me, I’m here.”
She walked out of the health center, putting her fingers up in a v shape saying “peace” before making her exit.
I started walking. I really didn’t have any clue where I was going, but I thought that maybe if I kept moving, things would somehow be better.
How could I have let this happen? I thought.
I was smart. Or had considered myself to be smart up until the point where I let myself get pregnant by my professor.
And what would my parents say? They were already against the idea of going to college in the first place. My mother had even mentioned the fear of me getting pregnant as part of the reason why she didn’t want me to go. I assured her repeatedly that she didn’t have anything to worry about.
And yet, there I was, a walking, talking confirmation of their worst fears.
I had to fight back the tears that were threatening to spill from my eyes, blinding me as I took each step.
My shoulder slammed into someone as I walked out the door into the quad. I quickly apologized and blinked back the tears.
I wandered over to the fountain in the middle of the courtyard of the quad and sat on the cement slab circling the water.
I could see students shuffling to and fro, going to classes that were in session. I knew that I was supposed to be in class, but I also knew that that wasn’t really a priority at the moment. What was important was me figuring out what I was going to do.
For the first time in a long time, I wasn’t quite sure what the future would hold for me. My hand absentmindedly drifted over the surface of the water in the fountain, making huge ripples whenever my fingers made contact.
All of a sudden, I felt a large hand fish mine out of the water, holding my hand above the surface of the water gently and discreetly. I looked up to see who owned the hand and almost jumped out of my skin when I saw him.
It was Jace.
“Hello, there,” he said, his voice silky smooth and endearing.
“Hello,” I said back, my voice cracking from the nerves coursing through my body.
He sat there, holding my hand along the edge of the fountain, not really saying a word. Under no
rmal circumstances, his hand would have been a source of comfort, a sweet gesture from a lover that I could relish in.
But, given the circumstances, I wanted nothing other than to snatch my hand back from him and run away. Another part of me, though, wanted to tell him everything that was going on, to unleash my heavy burden like an avalanche.
His eyes were searching mine while looking around the quad for any bystanders who might be looking on to our incognito display. I saw a hint of concern in his eyes as he gently squeezed my hand, holding it in place.
I knew that now wasn’t the time to tell him anything. In fact, I was starting to wonder if there would ever be a good time to tell him, especially now that the stakes were a lot higher.
“I know that you have a lot on your mind,” he said. “But you will be okay. Whatever it is, I’m here for you.”
The words almost tumbled out of my mouth. I wanted to believe that whatever I told him, he could handle. I wanted to unload every fear and worry right there in the quad. I wanted to howl and cry, purging my body of the sadness and anxiety that had been wracking it for weeks.
But, sitting there, my energy all but gone, I wasn’t sure how I would stand up to another emotional blow. I contented myself with staring down into the fountain, coins littered along the bottom.
I tossed in a quarter and made a wish.
I turned my face away from Jace so that he wouldn’t see the tears that silently streamed down my face.
Chapter 12 - Izzy
I spent the morning with my head over a toilet bowl, puking my guts up. I can’t remember how many times I ran back and forth between the toilet and my bed.
I was a nauseous, sweaty mess before I got the bright idea to bring a trash can next to my bed side. I ended up falling asleep and waking up around lunch time with somewhat of an appetite.
I forced myself to get up and get dressed. I had one destination, and nothing was going to stop me from getting there today.
I was going to Jace’s office to tell him everything. Between being sick and trying to avoid the conversation that I needed to have with Jace, we hadn’t really seen much of each other.
But that ended today. All of it ended today.
And I should tell him about what’s going on! He was part of the reason why things in my life had turned upside down so fast. Why should I be the one walking around with all this pressure? The only real stress that I should have been trying to handle was having to worry about passing a test, not what would happen with my life now that I’m carrying the unborn child of my professor.
I sped up, walking more determinedly the harder that I thought about it. I was getting excited at the thought of finally being able to have this huge burden lifted from my off my chest.
As I got closer to his office, I noticed that the door was open and that the lights were on. That was a good sign that he was in his office.
The closer I got, I more I started to hear a woman’s voice coming from his office. I paused mid-step, almost falling on my face as I try to catch my balance, plastering myself against the wall next to his door so that I could listen without being seen.
“I know that you already know this, but, based on what I saw the other day, I feel like it needs to be said again. Students are off limits. You run the risk of professional suicide if you keep on down the road that you’re going.”
“And what road is that, exactly, Belva?” came Jace’s voice, riddled with irritation.
“I really don’t want to get into it…”
“Well, obviously you do!” he bellowed. “You wouldn’t have felt the need to make this special trip to my office if it you didn’t want to ‘get into it’. So, don’t tread softly now. What are you accusing me of?”
“I’m not accusing you of anything,” she said, her voice taking on a calming nature. “I’m just letting you know, as I have many times before, that your job is to teach the students academia, not play some sort of dating game. Trent says…”
“Don’t tell me what Trent says,” he said, his voice still raised. “You tell me what Trent says when Trent is standing here. Trent is an amazing man and friend. Don’t use this as your chance to take out your personal frustrations out on Trent.”
I wondered what he meant by that. I felt like there were so many pieces of the puzzle missing. But, one thing that I heard for sure: this was not the first time that he and Belva had had this conversation.
And that made me angry. In fact, it made me more than angry. I was livid.
Here I was thinking that I was special. I had saved my virginity in hopes that my first time would have been special, something that both he and I had never done before. I was fairly certain that he wasn’t a virgin, but I definitely didn’t think that he was having a steady stream of coeds in his bed.
But it seemed like I was wrong. Maybe he did this with a bunch of different students, or at least had in the past. Thinking that thought made me feel so stupid.
I felt like an idiot for trusting him, believing that he actually cared about me. And more than that, I felt like a complete moron for getting pregnant by someone who didn’t care, someone who saw me as a game or another notch on his belt.
I wanted nothing more than to run to my bed and stay there. Forever.
I stormed off from the office, stomping as I went. I didn’t care who saw or heard. I was hurt. I was angry. And I just wanted to be alone.
I didn’t even bother texting Jace to tell him that I wouldn’t be working on the internship that night. Screw him. Screw the internship. Screw college.
I guessed my situation really wasn’t that different from Layla’s. All men would just let us down and hurt us, I supposed.
I burst into my room when I got there and threw myself on the bed, burying my head in my pillow. The hot tears soaked through the pillow case, making my whole face wet as I lay there, letting them flow like a river.
I had never felt so low in all my life. I would have laid in bed all night, but a knock at the door made me get up. I shuffled lethargically to the door, assuming that it was Layla coming to check on me.
I opened the door and saw that to my surprise, it was Jace.
My heart dropped, and I couldn’t breathe for a few minutes as we stood there face-to-face. He looked angry.
“Jace… What are you… doing here?” I stammered.
He pushed past me into the dorm room, sitting at a chair in front of the desk attached to the wall. I couldn’t understand what was going on. I knew it was very risky for him to be here, just showing up at my dorm room like this, after having received the lecture I just overheard.
“Where the hell have you been?” he demanded, his arms folded across his chest.
“I… I haven’t been feeling well…” I said, inadvertently clutching at my stomach.
Once I realized what I was doing, I quickly moved my hand away. I thought that I was ready to tell him, but his showing up here at my dorm room threw me off. I figured that it would be best to see how this played out before unloading the truth on him.
“Well, what’s wrong with sending me a message to let me know that?” he asked, standing up, his fist closed at his side. “I went through all the work of setting up the experiment and sat waiting for you there like an idiot. Trent, too. So, basically, you just wasted both of our time. Time that we could have been spending on the piles of papers that I’m still going through from Trent being off work.”
I opened my mouth to reply and no words came out. I broke down in tears.
It surprised both of us. Jace jumped back, startled. The anger on his face was quickly replaced with a worried look of concern. He rushed over to where I stood, still frozen in front of the door, and wrapped his arms around me, resting his head on top of mine.
“I’m so sorry,” he said, tenderly. “I didn’t mean to come off as a jerk. I just… it’s not the experiment or pile of papers or any of that. It’s really that… Izzy, I’ve been worried about you. P
robably more than I should be worried. I’m worried that you aren’t doing well in school and I can’t help but feel responsible for that. And just in general, I’m worried about if you’re okay. Handling the pressure of being so young on a huge campus. I just… I want you to know that, no matter what, I’m here for you. Okay?”
I closed my eyes, wrapping my arms around him tighter. It felt good to be in his arms. I felt safe, protected, loved, like all the stress that I had been dealing with meant nothing. It was like he took it all away. It felt really good.
But, then, I remembered the comment that I heard Belva make in his office.
“I’m just letting you know, as I have many times before…”
I pushed him away from me hard, looking up with him, seething.
“How dare you?” I demanded, an icy chill in my voice. “It’s all fun and games for you, isn’t it? Find some unsuspecting coed, get her to believe that you actually care about her, and then take her virginity, adding it to the many others that you have had. Well, you know what? I’m sick of it! I’m tired of being one in the long line of women that you entertain. I guess I should have known the truth about you when from the first night that we met. You had me convinced that Kate as just some random date that you had. The truth is that she was probably one of many. Well, take me out of the rotation. I’m not interested in whatever it is you are trying to pull.”
He took a step toward me, grabbing me by the shoulders, a look of thorough confusion on his face.
“What are you talking about?” he asked. “I demand an explanation!”
I looked at him, sure that I would see shame in his eyes, having had his secret discovered. Instead, he looked as lost as I felt.
“I stopped by your office earlier to talk to you,” I began, choosing my words carefully. “I didn’t come in because I heard you and that lady. Belva? You were talking, and I heard her tell you to be more professional with students, like this is just part of something that you do.”
I waited for him to deny it. He looked down, like he was trying to recall the conversation.
“Well, I’m not too sure about what you think you heard,” he explained. “But this is not something that I just… do. And the real reason why Belva even came to talk to me is because when she saw you and I together the last time, she picked up on some tension between us. She said that it bothered her so much that she felt moved to come find me and warn me about the evils of sleeping with a student.”