by Jamie Knight
“There are docks in Vegas?”
I stopped and shrugged. “Well, no, the Irish dock worker was visiting, but still, it was impressive. It’s part of this whole cleansing thing Jinx is doing trying to get to a clean slate.”
“Well, it seems clear to me,” Irene said, speaking up for the first time, “you need to tell him about Billy.”
“How do you know I didn’t?” I asked.
“It would have been the first thing you said,” Aria’s grandmother pointed out.
She was right, of course. Nothing much really got past her, and I had never known her to be anything but logical.
“I’m not sure I can do that,” I admitted. Feeling week in the knees, I took a seat next to Aria on the couch.
“You have to. It’s the right thing. Your boy needs a daddy, and there is nothing dangerous about this fellow that would justify keeping his son away from him.”
“I dunno, there is a lot of history,” Aria said, though I could tell she agreed with her grandmother.
“Most of it good as I recall. More the reason to let my ex in. Trust me, you won’t regret it. Even if you two don’t come to anything, you both have more important concerns right now.”
I knew she was right. Irene didn’t deal in bullshit and could see through to the heart of almost any situation. I was still hesitant but leaning towards not only telling Jinx about Billy but letting him have visitation if he wanted it. That was a significant change that I hoped would be the right thing.
Chapter Six - Jinx
Nostalgia can be a dangerous thing. Seeing Lila again set my mind back to, what in retrospect, seemed like a happier time. Remembering how things had been only drove home how much I had messed things up between us. I hadn’t really thought about how much I might have hurt her until I got out of rehab. I didn’t really have the clarity of thought to do so. There had been a time when we had really loved each other, which made it even worse.
She had run at the suggestion of seeing me again. I hadn’t really thought about it as a date, even though my ex clearly did. I had gone back so far in my thinking, in the attempt for a clean slate, I saw us more as being friends. Though even that seemed like a bit of a stretch. Despite my caveman-like response to her fainting, I really just wanted to try to reconnect with Lila again — whatever form that might take. I really couldn’t imagine my life without her. Even though that was precisely what I had been experiencing the past two years. That’s not to say I was happy. It took me that long to realize, but the last time I had been truly was happy was when we were together. Not having Lila around felt like something was missing.
I didn’t have her number, but I knew where she worked. I gave a moment’s thought to calling my dad to see if there was something I was missing, but I couldn’t do that. After I went into rehab, I lost contact with him too. No one from my past knew that I was still in Vegas. I wanted to keep it that way.
Plus, he owned a chain of casinos and would more than likely want to meet in his office at the Crown Jewel to talk things out. I wasn’t willing to take that kind of risk. I had already worked too hard and lost too much to overcome my gambling addiction.
It was a bit of a dick move, I knew, but I planned to pop in at the NGO the next day during lunch to see if Lila would eat with me. She seemed to soften slightly before running off, so it was possible. I knew she was mad at me and rightfully so. I wouldn’t forgive me either. At least not right away, though I still had to try.
Getting through the door after work, Lucky started jumping around me in unbridled doggy enthusiasm. It was nice to be missed that way. I couldn’t think of a human who would greet me with such joy. I saw the leash in his mouth and realized at least part of the reason for his excitement.
Getting on the leash, I got him down into the courtyard stat! He only did that when he really had to go. I kept thinking about Lila as Lucky scoured the area, looking for just the right spot. I couldn’t help thinking about how curvy she had gotten. Particularly the sweet curve of her chest. She had always been pretty well endowed in the boob department, but they had seemed even bigger recently.
Important things done, I got Lucky fed and watered and curled up into his doggie bed. At that point, I decided to call it a night, heading to bed with a glass of orange juice. Setting the glass down on the night table, I slowly took off my clothes and got onto the bed, the sheets cool and smooth under my skin. It didn’t take long to notice how hard I was. It didn’t hurt, but there was definite pressure. Suddenly my imagination took over my conscious thought, and I imagined Lila coming into my room. She was wearing only a robe and a smile.
With slow, deliberate, seductive movements, the beautiful blonde untied the belt on her robe, and soon, she was only wearing a smile. I did my best to imagine what she would look like — my reference point being two years old. If anything, my ex looked better.
As Lila came over and crawled up onto the bed with me. I imagined her wrapping her warm hand around my cock as well as mine. I soon let go, relinquishing control to her. After giving me a few gentle strokes, Lila gracefully lowered her head, taking my cock most of the way into her warm, wet mouth. Keeping her blue eyes on mine, she sucked me off like a champion. Lovingly coaxing the cum up into her mouth, swallowing it all down despite the sheer size of the load.
Giving my cock a few more long, loving licks, to get it nice and wet, Lila held me firm at the base as she climbed up on top of me, so she was straddling me. She lowered her sweet, juicy pussy down onto my thick, hard cock, easing it in inch by inch until I could almost feel her pussy lips pressing up against my balls. Shifting slightly so she was in a comfortable position, she started to slowly bounce on my cock. Easy and sensual at first, building up to a speed and intensity similar to a jackhammer.
I held off as long as I could, both in my head and in my bed, trying to wait until the Lila in my head was ready to cum before unleashing my massive load inside her. Also coming in real life. Spent but satisfied, I cleaned off with some with the wet wipes I still kept by the bed, curled up, and went to sleep. I only hopped my dream was a premonition of things to come.
***
It wasn’t exactly the warmest greeting I had ever had. In fact, Lila seemed pretty damn icy when I walked into the NGO at lunchtime. However, she hadn’t told me to leave as soon as I had arrived, so it was already an improvement from the day before.
“What the fuck are you doing here?”
“I thought maybe we could go for lunch,” I offered.
“You just don’t quit, do you?”
I gave her a smile as I shook my head. “Not anymore. Not when it’s important.”
This seemed to shock her for a moment. After a brief pause, Lila got her coat off the back off her chair and came with me out the door, tacitly agreeing to at least talk to me at the café next door.
She seemed to be making more of an effort than at the bar. Even though things were still pretty stilted. Each of us looking for the right thing to say as we sat at a table near the window. As well as trying to avoid the wrong things, it seemed. I still had my secrets I was keeping back, and I was sure she did too. Two years was a long time. One thing I did know was that she wasn’t seeing anyone. She had already said as much.
“Are you seeing anyone?” Lila asked, as though reading my mind.
“No, no one. For a while, actually.”
“Since when?” she asked, sounding concerned. I watched as my ex frowned, clearly trying to hide what she was feeling.
“Since going into rehab. Since you.”
“So, you’re celibate?” she asked, looking skeptical but also pretty damn pleased.
“Two years and counting,” I said, raising my recently arrived mineral water.
I couldn’t help but notice the waitress's disappointed look. My celibacy was definitely not from a lack of options. I just didn’t need the distraction while I was trying to get clean.
Taken by an impulse, I gently took Lil
a’s hand from across the table. She jumped, looking startled. Not a good sign.
“I’m really sorry about everything. I-it feels like there’s something wrong without you. Something missing. I really want a second chance.”
“That’s not happening,” Lila said, pulling her hand back.
“I understand.”
“Meet me at the library tonight,” she said before leaving.
It was a strange place to meet, and I was pretty confused but not about to sneeze at the chance to see her again. Even if it was only social. Social was good. I could do with social. Anything that didn’t involve her actively hating me was a massive improvement.
Chapter Seven - Jinx
Lucky sniffed the sidewalk like a bloodhound tracking a rabbit. I was determined to give him more attention than I had been lately. Not just a couple walks a day like I always did, but I let him take his sweet time and planned to take him to the park that weekend with his favorite toy.
Even though he was two and well full-grown for a dog his size, Lucky could still act like a lot like a puppy. Often, he got mistaken for being a French Bulldog or Pug mix, making him both small and so ugly he went all the way back around to cute.
Lucky finished sniffing and jumped into my arms to be carried back to his palace like a little furry king. He was a benevolent ruler and a good companion, so I didn’t really mind too much.
Getting Lucky fixed up with a doggie feast, I made myself some steak and onions, my belly already starting to growl. I hadn’t eaten since lunch, and even then, it was barely. I was nervous about seeing Lila again at the library and what it might mean. She was giving mixed messages that were harder to decipher than Sartre’s How in the original French, which I had actually tried to read once. I had made it about thirty pages in before my nose started to bleed. To be fair, I was more into media theory, trending towards Marshall McLuhan and Douglas Rushkoff more than the literary set. Though I had also read How to Win Friends and Influence People at least a hundred times. What I really would have liked was a simple guide to basic mind-reading but, alas, no such tome was in existence.
I had given a moment’s thought to a nice tumbler of scotch to go with my steak but thought better of it. It might seem strange why I would still have any alcohol anywhere in the house when I was on the wagon. I suppose I saw it as the proverbial ‘last cigarette’ that I’d heard about former smokers carrying around. Not as a temptation but as a trophy of their will-power. There was a time when they would have smoked it in a heartbeat, but no more! I was in a similar situation, downing a least a bottle of scotch every day, getting to the point that I would barely feel it, my alcohol tolerance achieving God-like status, even though I never really did care for mead. A bit too sweet for my taste.
As was his custom whenever I was eating anything that smelled better than what he had, Lucky came over and sat himself down by my chair. He didn’t bark or whine. He just sat there, providing an audience watching every bite I took. Some people would have yelled at him or scolded him or even put him in the bedroom, but I wasn’t one of them. If anything, I was glad for the company. He wasn’t getting any of my steak, but it was the thought that really counted. A gesture of good will, I put down my plate for him to lick off, not only going a long way in the cleaning process but also giving him a bit of a treat in terms of the juice and sauce still left over.
Leaving my dog licking away happily, I went to get dressed. I didn’t know what to wear. Mostly because I didn’t know why we were going after meeting up. I considered my suit, but that might be a bit too much. Particularly considering we were meeting at a public library, of all places. It was also the kind of thing that I would wear back when I wasn’t really my best self. In the end, I decided to opt for just being myself, so boots, jeans, and a band shirt it was.
We hadn’t set a time, but the library closed at eight, so I got there at six, to try and give us as much time as possible. I didn’t see Lila at the main doors, so I started looking around inside, planning to loop back and wait by the doors again if she wasn’t indoors. I checked the computers, the magazines, the DVDs, the CDs, and every section of the regular book collection, even peeking in on the Spanish and French in case she had hidden talents. I looked everywhere but two places, The bathroom, for obvious reasons, and the Children’s section. It was in this last location that I finally spotted her, after starting to think she might have stood me up.
My ex was sitting on the floor with a toddler who looked just under a year. Though it wasn’t the kid's age that I noticed most — even though it would have been an important clue to what was happening. The thing about the kid that most got my attention was how much he looked like me. Or at least, how I had looked when I was a kid. Too much not to be my son. I really didn’t know how to respond. For the first time in a long time, I was well and truly speechless.
“I wanted to meet here so you wouldn’t yell,” Lila explained.
I could see the fear flashing in her eyes. It was something I had seen enough before I went into rehab, so I was able to recognize it instantly. I hated that she was afraid of me or how I might react to the news that I had a son. I didn’t feel like I deserved the fear, even though I could certainly understand it. I had done more than enough to put the fear in her. My ex had no way of really knowing that I wasn’t like that anymore.
I took a breath, trying to stay calm, and sat on the floor with them. As prepared as I might have thought I was, I really wasn’t ready when the kid came crawling over, at good tick too and climbed on my lap.
“Night, Daddy,” he said, waving his hand in front of my face.
With this cryptic greeting, he crawled back over to where he had been at Lila’s side and went back to looking through the pictures in a soft book.
“What was that?” I asked his mother.
She glanced away, looking pale. “Billy’s bedtime routine. I-I put a photo of you in his crib. I wanted to make sure our baby knew who his daddy was. I-I thought you might be dead when you just disappeared like that. That’s why I ran when I saw you at your office. I really thought I’d seen a ghost,” Lila said, not unkindly.
I was too shocked to even move. Suspecting was one thing, but the confirmation was a bit too much. I had a son. With Lila. Even if we weren’t getting back together, there was a person, a living breathing human, that was made up out of a combination of our combined DNA.
I watched Billy until I started to tear up. It was all too much. The guild crashed down on me like a ton of bricks. Not only had I left Lila behind but also our baby, who she’d had to raise herself. It was a good thing that I had gotten help in rehab, but I should have called her as soon as I got out.
My head spun, and I looked at my son through blurred vision.
“Work…” I muttered, barely getting the words out. “Back to work.” I pointed towards the door.
“You have to go?” Lila said, meaning it more as a statement.
I knew if I left, then it was probably over. I had blown my last chance with either of them. But I couldn’t stay. I just needed time and space to think. To process it all.
“Yes,” I said, slowly standing, reaching out to grab a bookcase as I did.
Gently ruffling Billy’s hair, I walked out of the library and into the chilly night. I needed to run. Running always cleared my head and made it easier to think. I took off like a man being chased by something horrible, not stopping until I got back to my building, overshooting the door by several feet.
Lucky was there like he always was. The one thing I could count on. I scratched him behind the ear and went into the kitchen. Getting out the bottle of scotch, I half filled a mug and sat on the couch. Setting the forbidden cup on the coffee table, I stared at it.
Getting out my phone, I started to dial my father then thought better of it ending the call. I was angry. No one bothered to tell me I had a son. Not even my father. Then it hit me. My father didn’t know. He couldn’t have. He certainly would have p
rovided for his grandson. His pride wouldn’t let him do otherwise.
I couldn’t blame Lila either. I had left her, and she thought I was dead. Of course, she moved on. Even if she had, she wouldn’t have dad’s resources. Not that he was coming after me either. He was really stubborn that way. I had to make the first move. There was no one to blame but myself and no one to punish.
Picking up the mug, I downed it in one go. The bitter taste and burning sensation slamming into the back of my throat, enough to make me wonder why I had ever liked the stuff, let alone drank it to excess. It really was awful.
My head lulled back as I gasped for breath against the heat. The mug slipped from my hand and clattering to the floor. I looked over at the window. I had never tried but was pretty sure it opened all the way. I lived on the fifth floor. It was a long way down with a cement sidewalk at the bottom. It wasn’t the first time I’d thought this way. Only on the previous occasions, I’d still had something to live for. Now I knew I had a family. One I was likely not going to see again.
It was bad enough having Lila mad at me. She had always been my best friend, now she could barely stand to be around me. I had often wondered if it had been a mistake for us to get together but had come to the conclusion that it hadn’t been the problem. For us to end up together was just a natural progression.
The issue had been me and what I had become. I still secretly blamed my dad for that. Not only had I inherited his addictive personality, if I hadn’t worked at his casino, it seemed unlikely that I would have developed my addiction in the first place. Still, though, I was the one who started play and didn’t stop until it was too late. Even a drug dealer knew it was bad business to get high on your own supply. Sure, Dad could have banned me from gambling at his casinos. He had the power as the owner, but that really wasn’t his style. He had always tried to teach me to be my own man and take responsibility for myself. Something I was never really very good at.