by Ireland Gill
'K. Want me there? I can bring Beau back,' Luka's text read.
I knew we would need to speak face-to-face, but I didn't know when I could talk to Luka without Hayden around to hear and I couldn't convey my thoughts the right way through a bunch of texts.
“Hey, Ev?” I jumped at the sound of Hayden's voice after a light knock on my closed door.
“Yeah?” I answered him.
“I'm taking a quick shower before bed,” his muffled voice said through the door. “Just wanted to let you know.”
“Uh, okay.” I didn't really know what else to say. Why would he give me the specifics of his where-abouts in the house? Was it some new thing we were supposed to be doing? And where was “bed” for him? His room? My room? Did “tandem” apply to sleeping arrangements after that kiss? God! Why did I have to complicate everything?
I looked at Luka's last text and replied. 'Yes. My room. NOW.'
It was literally four seconds after I'd hit “send” when Luka's voice whispered behind me. “Am I in trouble?”
I jumped again. “God, Luka!” I almost dropped my phone.
“Wow. Your nerves fried or something?” He laughed. But then he studied my face, and his expression grew solemn. “Hey, are you okay?”
I took in a deep breath and released, starting to pace the floor and ignoring his question. “Luka, you can't let him do it,” I pleaded. “You just can't.”
Luka cocked his head. “Can't let who do what?”
“Hayden. You can't let Hayden Fade,” I continued as I paced. “This weekend at the wedding, everything was just perfect and...omigod.” My true feeling of fear grew even worse as I'd said it all out loud. “What the hell was I thinking? Luka, you have to promise me you won't let him do it. Promise you won't break his wings if he comes to you.”
Luka's expression was still one of cluelessness. “And why in the world would I promise that?”
“Because I'm asking you to.”
Luka relaxed his body and folded his arms. “No way.”
My pacing came to a halt. “What?” I asked in shock.
He shook his head. “No can do, Evigreen. You can't put me in the middle of this.”
“But you already are in the middle of this!” I said in a loud whisper, frustrated. “Why can't you just talk him out of it if he asks you? I can't-I can't let this happen. I mean, maybe I'm jumping the gun a little on this, but I saw it in his eyes, Luka. We danced. We connected. We kissed. We held each other innocently in the bed all night and – Ugh! I woke up, realizing what this may lead to,” I rambled, but finally stopped after I caught the angel's expression. He was smirking.
“So, he finally kissed you, huh?” He said it without surprise in his voice.
I looked at him, exasperated. It was as though he was not taking me seriously at all.
“Luka,” I stared into his eyes penetratingly. “You don't get it. I didn't want this. At first, I did, but now...” I trailed off. “I didn't think this through.” I sat on the bed. I felt my face tighten as I tried holding back the tears. “I know that he'll come to you,” I said softly.
Luka sighed, sitting next to me bumping my shoulder with his. “And if he comes to me, I will be honored, Evika,” he said confidently. “I'll do as he asks.”
I squeezed the tears from my eyes. I was hurt by Luka's rigidity, by his lack of understanding what I was telling him. I wanted to say something that would make him think about what he'd really be doing to Hayden, to me. “You'll be killing him,” I advised him in a blithe tone.
He came to his knees on the floor before me. The white-winged angel pulled my chin up until our eyes met, his narrowed and looked at me with concentration. “I'd be giving him life, Evika. Whether you want to see it that way or not, he'll get what he wants, from me, from Elka, or whichever Guardian he asks to do the break for him.” I flinched when he said break. “If Hayden wants to Fade and to be human for you, he will do it no matter what, no matter who does it for him.”
I shook my head at him in frustration. “No, Luka. You don't understand.”
Luka looked at me, perplexed. “What is it that you are so afraid of?”
“Just---” I didn't know how to tell him, “it's way too dangerous for him.”
Luka huffed a quiet laugh. “For him? You're worried about Hay---”
“Yes,” I cut him off.
The angel was quiet for a long moment as he searched my eyes, then held a look of clarity. “Something happened,” he declared.
I nodded slowly, shamefully.
“Evika, what is it?”
I stayed silent, biting my lip, unable to speak.
The angel rose one of his eyebrows. “Evika, whatever this is sounds like more of a danger not being told to me. If you know something, anything, you need to tell me.”
I shook my head at the angel. “I can't.”
He studied me. “Were you threatened?”
I started to become irritated again. “Luka, I didn't even want to say anything at all. All I wanted to do was ask you to talk Hayden out of Fading if he was even thinking of it.”
“And, like I said, I can't do that,” he answered me bluntly. “Now, Evika, please tell me what is going on.”
I narrowed my eyes, even more frustrated. I was starting to regret ever asking for Luka's help to begin with. But I looked into those patient, crystal-blue pools of his and felt trust. I didn't even need to wonder if I could trust Luka; I already knew I could.
I sighed. “You have to promise me that this stays between us, Luka.”
The angel looked at me intensely for, what seemed like forever. I knew he was calculating the worth of knowing along with his, Hayden's and my friendships, and quite possibly his obedience to the Council. I'd almost chickened out before spilling my guts to him.
“Okay.” He nodded. “It stays between us,” he answered assuringly.
“Angel's honor?” I asked.
“Angel's honor,” he agreed.
I took a deep breath and let it out. “Alysto visited me in a dream a few months ago.”
Luka's eyes widened to the size of golf balls. “He what?”
“I didn't know who or what he was until I saw the shadow he'd cast of his true form. And then it just went dark and he showed me his true form as the devil.” I felt my throat close and my eyes start to burn.
“Evika,” Luka held my face in his warm hands, “how did this happen? How did he get into your dream? Do you even know?”
I narrowed my eyes as I thought of Jericho. “He was given a way in,” I said blithely. “By one of your kind.”
His face became ashen before he spoke. “How do you know this?”
I looked at him, sad to have to confirm it. “Alysto admitted it, Luka.” I nodded to the bare space above my bed. “I took the dreamcatcher down and burned it that very night, and haven't seen him since.”
Luka looked up and stared at the bare spot on the wall. “I knew it,” he whispered to himself. “I knew there was something up with Jericho.” I could finally breathe when I realized that Luka had seen the same danger in Jericho as I did. I felt relief. Luka turned to me once again. “You're sure?” He asked me as if he really wanted me to tell him it wasn't true. I wished I could have.
“Yes,” I answered him. My heart ached as I saw the disappointment in his eyes.
“But why?” he whispered his question. “Why would Jericho do something like this?” His eyes narrowed to slits. “And why would Alysto want to make contact with you?”
“I don't know. Nothing has happened since that one time. I was so afraid of what would happen if I said anything, especially to Hayden. Alysto threatened that I would regret it if Hayden got involved. Luka, I'm so sorry,” I whimpered.
“Evika, don't be sorry. This isn't your fault.”
My face cringed. “That's the bad part, Luka. Alysto said that I called to him! He said my heart called to him because 'it knows what it wants.'” I paused for a moment to watch the confused expression appe
ar on Luka's face. I was almost too afraid to tell him more as I recalled the night with the devil. “He said he can see darkness in me, Luka, that he and I are more alike than I think. Wh-what does that even mean?” It felt as though Luka and I had come full circle, beginning from the first night we'd spent together at the Cleveland bar. I found out what tenebrae really meant.
Luka sat back up on the bed and held me in his arms. “Evika, I've told you this before. You are nothing like him and you never will be. No matter what he told you, and no matter how awful you feel about the Seekers when you save them, it is nothing like how Alysto truly feels. The darkness in him, it's something that has never subsided, and never will.”
I wanted to believe him when he told me all of that, but I didn't. I'd always felt true hatred for all of the Seekers, regardless of my coming to terms with why I had to save them.
Luka stood, and then started pacing. His worried expression was bothersome to me. “He's found a way to manipulate you, Evika. This isn't something we can keep from the Council.”
My body jolted in fear as I heard his words. I stood up at lightning speed. “You promised!” I reminded him.
“I-I know I did,” he stuttered, “but what am I supposed to do with this information, Evika? This is huge, and I could get exiled for keeping this from them.”
I glared at him. “Then I shouldn't have trusted you,” I shot back at him. It was the first time I'd ever been angry with Luka, and it felt strange.
I saw the defeat in Luka's eyes, the guilt that crept up on him. He let out a long sigh as he looked at me with intensity. “Why shouldn't they know?”
I started to breath easy again once he considered this. “Because I'm afraid this may start something huge. Alysto has been holding off his Drones as a favor to me. If Jericho is unmasked in any way, it may tip off Alysto.”
Luka's eyes furrowed and he looked at me incredulously. “Dammit, Evika. Why now? Why couldn't you have told this to me months ago?”
I felt ashamed as I looked at the grief in his expression, and then I looked away as I answered. “Because nothing dangerous has happened since I destroyed Jericho's instrument. Because I knew you'd be subtle about finding things out no matter when I told you. And....I'm telling you now because I thought I could get you to talk Hayden out of.....”
I couldn't finish the sentence. He looked away, but I could see his eyes roll.
“Putting me in the middle again,” he muttered.
Again, it felt strange to have this type of quarrel with Luka. It felt surreal and unnatural for us, but necessary.
The angel's face held a somber and disappointed expression. He sighed heavily. A sigh in which, I assumed, could only be the moment he decided how to answer me.
“Well, you are right about one thing, I will be subtle about all of this, only for a while. But, like I said before, I'm not getting in Hayden's way if he makes that decision and asks me.”
I made my last, failing attempt to argue. “If something goes wrong while Hayden is in transition, I could lose him forever. Just like Jack lost Lavinia,” I reminded him.
Luka sighed, still not showing any sign of flexibility about the subject of Hayden's Fading. “What if he's already made up his mind, Evika?”
I looked at those crystal blue eyes; they gave me my conclusion. “You already know.”
The angel's face remained expressionless for a long moment before speaking again. “The greatest gift that an angel can give to the object of their love is their choice to Fade. Evika, please don't deny him of the very thing he can do for you to express how he feels.”
I moved myself to the floor by him, wiping my tears. “And what if I don't want him to?”
Luka looked me square in the eyes. “Does that mean to say that you don't love him?”
There it was, a way to get me to admit it, my feelings. He asked me so seriously, but he asked it in a way that seemed as if he was trying to prove a point. He knew the answer to that question and he knew how I felt about Hayden.
I looked away from him and shook my head in denial. “If he loves me, he'll stay invincible,” I said softly.
“You know, Ev,” he pulled my chin up to look at him once again, “these things that keep you from living instill so much fear in you. You need to learn to let go.”
Let go. I knew there were so many things I needed to let go of. The past. The present. The determined and undetermined future. But everything seemed like such a mess.
He smiled at me sweetly, and moved my hair behind my ear. All I could do was scoot up against him and lay my head against his shoulder. His arm wrapped around me and pulled me into him snuggly. And that was when I started crying.
“It's hard for me to let go,” I whispered to him.
He gave me a light, big brother-like squeeze and a kiss on the hair. “I know, Evigreen.” He sighed. “But it's the only way to survive this life.” He paused. “And holding on to things for too long can weigh you down indefinitely. It can be used against you.”
“I can't lose any more people that I love, Luka. I couldn't take it. I couldn't take losing Hayden if-if he...” I couldn't say the word. I couldn't say “died.” “I'd go crazy, just like my father,” I said softly through the tears.
“And Hayden would go crazy if he knew you were attempting to coerce me into changing his mind.” the angel scolded me.“Not everything ends badly, Evika.” His tone was delicate. “I know it's hard for you to believe me when I say that because you've lost a lot of people in your life, some of the most important people that were ever a part of your life, but you need to find the ability to conjure up a little bit of faith in things again. Just a little, even just in Hayden.”
I took a deep breath and gazed into the angel's eyes, sky blue like the endless world above. “I'll try, Charmin,” I attempted to add a little humor to my answer. He smiled, and I threw my arms around his neck and squeezed. “I don't know where I'd be without you, Luka. I really mean that.”
He blushed and grinned at me. “Yeah, I love you too, Evigreen.”
We both jumped at the knock on my door.
“Evika?” Hayden's muffled voice said through the door.
Luka stood awkwardly and gave me a sheepish smile. “Uh, I better go,” he whispered.
I kissed his cheek and mouthed the words “thank you,” and he shimmered away into thin air.
“Yeah?” I answered the door, opening to a shirtless Hayden in gray pajama pants.
He lifted his hand to give me a small wave. “Hi,” he said.
I breathed a laugh at his adorableness. “Hi.”
“So, uh, I just wanted to say good night.”
I smiled at him before he continued. Those emeralds will be the death of me, I thought.
He did that thing where he ran his hand through his hair, and I melted as I watched him. “I really had a great time this weekend,” he said.
“Me too.” I leaned against the door frame and looked up at him. “I'm glad we went.”
Hayden nodded with a simper, leaning into me a bit closer. I could see he was studying me in such depth, but it didn't feel invasive. It felt right. He lifted his fingers to my face and caressed it gently. I slowly closed my eyes and leaned my cheek into his touch. As always, he captivated me with his tenderness and warmth. I could feel the heat from his body mix with mine as he advanced a little closer.
“You are the most beautiful being I've ever known,” he whispered.
I half-smiled, embarrassed. “Said the angel in my door---”
And before I knew it, his lips pressed to mine, interrupting me in mid-sentence. I let the flooding heat of that supernal kiss take me over, my senses awakened, lively. My heart pounded its drumming beats in my chest, and my pulse raced as his perfect lips kissed mine. Just like our kisses the previous night, I didn't want it to end.
He slowly pulled away from me and left me breathless as my eyes fluttered open to see him kissing me on the forehead.
“Sweet dreams tonight,”
he said to me, reluctantly turning to head back to his room.
“Yeah.” I let out an internal sigh. “Sweet dreams.”
He turned to look at me once more and smiled. I watched him walk down the hall from my doorway. I admired the smooth skin of his back, every curve of muscle. His perfection still awed me.
I closed my door after letting Beau into the room and lay down on the bed, pressing my head hard against the pillow as I tried to drive out the thoughts going through my mind. Is this right? Me in my room and he in his? No. It's not right. It didn't feel right to be alone, without him, after having connected the way we had. The missing piece of me was down the hall, and he was what I needed. He was my angel, and I loved him so much it hurt.
I sighed heavily, annoyed with myself for just being such a coward, and then I threw the covers off, and pattered down the hallway to his room, Beau at my flank. Hayden's door was open, and the closer I got the less muffled the sounds from his room became. It was music. I made it to the threshold and looked in.
“What took you so long?” he asked as I peered in his direction. He was laying on his side, facing the door and propped up on one elbow.
I shrugged and I crawled into the bed under the sheets, pressing my back against him and lacing my fingers through his as I pulled his arm around me. I listened to the music he had playing. I knew he'd put music on just for me. A new track started playing, and it sent chills up my spine. I couldn't suppress the guilt any longer. “A Stranger,” the very song that played while I danced with Alysto.
“What do you have playing?” I asked, wondering if he'd chosen that song for any particular reason.
“Just the radio,” he answered. He was quiet for a few seconds. “I know you need it to sleep.”
My body slightly relaxed. “Thanks.”
As if he felt my indifference, Hayden pulled me closer to him and kissed my shoulder. “I'll always protect you, no matter what. You know that, right?” he said quietly.
I swallowed hard before I answered him. “Of course,” was all I could say.
I waited for some sort of elaboration to his comment-slash-question, confused as to what brought it on.