by Zoe Knights
“You really don’t get it,” Eddie shook her head, feeling shaky from all the adrenaline, fear, and anger that had been forced through her over the last few hours. “Have you really had no one care about you before that you can’t understand this?”
Sam just stared at her, brow furrowed, his gaze dark.
Eddie sighed roughly. “I know you’ve got… a lot going on in your life,” she said lowly. “Things I barely understand. But, I know you. And I know that… when you care about someone, sometimes you have to forgive them for being an asshole. Especially when I know you only are because… you’re scared,” she finished quietly, watching Sam’s eyes flicker between hers.
He didn’t say anything for a long moment, and they both stood there with this strange void between them.
“Eddie?”
Eddie’s heart jumped to her throat when she heard her brother’s voice call from her behind her. She whipped round to see Alex walking over, looking confused.
“Alex!” she smiled hurriedly, before quickly turning back to glance at Sam.
But… her heart instantly sank.
For he was gone.
She swallowed thickly, trying to ignore the weight this caused in her stomach, and she turned back to her brother.
“Hey,” she smiled now that he’d reached her.
“Who were you talking to?” Alex frowned. “And what are you doing here? I had to stop by work but was about to jump on the tube to head to the markets to meet you.”
“I… got lost,” Eddie shook her head. “Stupid, I know. And that was someone just giving me directions. Well, now you’re here… let’s go!”
She hurried on, hearing Alex follow and she glanced one last time over her shoulder, but could not see Sam anywhere.
My Feather, My Heart
20
Eddie barely managed to keep herself together through the day, certain words jarred her like a hot poker every time she heard them.
Oh my God!
Jesus Christ…
Holy shit!
What the hell?!
Her head was beginning to spin, as much as she’d convinced herself she was okay, she was not. And she’d begun to fidget with her hand, she couldn’t help it, but her fingers were constantly tapping anxiously against something. Which right now was her leg as she sat silently at the dinner table with her brother. She could barely eat, let alone make casual conversation.
Alex finally released a long, low sigh. “Alright, Eds,” he said bracingly. “I know something happened today. I know you don’t want to talk about it. But, we can’t spend Christmas like this, so something’s got to happen. What do you want to do?”
Eddie hesitantly looked up, her green eyes wide and vulnerable when they met her brother’s clear blue irises. She swallowed, feeling as though she was barely toeing the edge of holding herself together. She wanted to tell her brother. She needed to tell him. Tell someone. She had no one to talk to. No one to listen. No one to tell her it would all be okay.
So hesitantly, carefully, she said, “You know… this morning when you found me?” Alex nodded slowly for her to continue. She swallowed again. “Well… the boy I was with… it wasn’t just someone giving me directions. It was… Sam.”
Alex frowned seriously. “What?” he sounded thoroughly disbelieving. “Okay, well now I have about a thousand questions. But… I’ll let you explain first before I bombard you.”
Eddie took a breath, feeling a wave of appreciation for her brother. “Our… friendship is complicated,” she continued quietly. “But… it’s important,” her voice shook just slightly while she tried to word this as carefully as possible. “And I’m worried about him. He… has a lot going on. And I…I think he’s really lost. And… and he’s scared. And I want to help, but… I don’t know what I can do. And he won’t talk to me.”
“Right…” Alex said slowly. “Look… Eds, I know this must be hard. But… if you want my advice, and this boy won’t talk to you… maybe that’s a good thing. You’re only at this school for a year, and it’s supposed to be getting you away from distractions and drama,” he paused, while Eddie stared at him. “Try and put all of this out of your mind. Just focus on school… if he asks for your help, then give it. If not… you need to think about you first.”
Eddie felt a slow surge of anger begin to boil in her stomach. “How can you say that?” she demanded suddenly. “I just told you he needs help. That he’s scared and you want me to pretend like nothing is wrong?!”
Alex sighed heavily. “Eddie, sometimes when people don’t want help there’s nothing you can do. And you know how important your last year of school is, you-”
“How important it is for you, don’t you mean?!” Eddie growled angrily. “The only reason I’m here is because of you. Because you regret your own decisions and you’re trying to do over with me!”
“Don’t go there, Eden,” Alex said lowly, warning to his tone. “I care about you. And I care about your future. One day you’ll understand-”
“Oh, do not do that with me!” Eddie stood up, her chair scraping noisily over the wooden floor and she glared with fiery green eyes at her brother. “I understand better than you do,” she snarled. “There are things that are more important than school work. I don’t even know what I want to do outside of school! I would never have gone to this school if it wasn’t for you, so-”
“Exactly,” Alex was angry now too. “I had to push you to study every single day. You have no idea what a difference this will make to your life. It doesn’t matter that you don’t know what you want, at least you will have options! And I’m not going to watch you throw that all away for some ‘confused’ boy!”
“It is not like that,” Eddie growled lowly. “And I’m not going to ignore him. I’m going to be there for him. Because I care about people more than school.”
With that, Eddie turned tail from the table and stormed into her room.
She could not hold the tears back when she was alone. They spilled freely down her cheeks while her stomach tied into a heavy knot that made her sick. Unmoving panic sat like a rock in her chest, and the only person she wanted to talk to was Sam.
But she wouldn’t be the one to call this time. Not again. She couldn’t take the feeling that washed over her when he wouldn’t answer.
She sat on her bed, gripping her shirt above her chest while her other hand ran through her hair as she tried to calm herself. But, thoughts of God and Satan kept swimming through her head.
They were real. It was all real. All true. And what did that mean for her?
She grabbed her broken laptop, going through the long process to even open her browser before she could google madly and blindly.
But, nothing really helped. For she was not sure what of it was actually true. That is why she needed to talk to Sam.
She put her laptop back down. His brown eyes invading her vision. She’d meant what she said to him. She still cared for him. Deeply. And she was more than a little afraid for him and… of her own feelings.
Would she go to Hell for this? Was that a bad thing? Is God good? Satan evil? Sam had said never to trust blindly in something you do not truly know… well, she knew him. She knew Sam. She trusted Sam. But Sam… did not seem to trust her. Or perhaps he just didn’t want to. His experiment with a ‘human’ was over.
She was on her own now. Lost within a world she did not know or understand.
Just then there was a knock at her door.
“Eds?” Alex’s voice sounded from outside, and Eddie swallowed quickly, wiping her eyes roughly. “I’m sorry, Ed…” Alex continued quietly. “Look I… I’ve made you a tea. Could I come in?”
Eddie took a deep breath, steadying herself as she did not want her brother to know what she was going through. “Yes,” she said, but she did not recognise her own voice. “You can… come in.”
Alex did, the door opening with a soft click before he walked with a large steaming mug of tea, his blue eyes apologetic. He sa
t down beside her on the bed, handing her the comforting drink and Eddie took it, relishing in the stabilising and familiar warmth it brought to her.
“I’m sorry for before, Ed,” Alex said softly while Eddie continued to try not to cry again. “I… didn’t listen. I was being like a parent instead of your brother. You can talk to me okay? I just want to know you’re okay.”
Eddie nodded shakily, biting her lip and staring determinedly into her mug for tears blurred her vision again. “I’m sorry too…” she whispered. “I… I didn’t mean what I said it’s just…I… I don’t know what to do,” her words spilled from her mouth, shaky and uncertain. “I…I…I thought I knew what I was doing. And now I… I just-”
Eddie began gulping for air, and Alex quickly lay a hand on her back. “Hey… hey,” he soothed softly, “take a sip of your tea. Calm down,” he urged.
Eddie did. Then again. And a third time, the hot liquid warming her from the inside and finally she breathed out slowly.
“You’re ok…” Alex said quietly, still rubbing her back. “Just… can you tell me what happened between you two?”
Eddie remained silent, staring blankly into her half-empty mug. For what could she tell him? But, once again her words came out before her brain had enough time to think about them. “I really like him, Alex…” she finally admitted out loud. “I… don’t know when it happened exactly. But, I can’t go back now. And… I don’t want to. But… but part of me knows I should.”
She looked up slowly with bleary eyes to see Alex frowning at her in concern.
“I… don’t understand, Ed,” he said slowly. “What do you mean part of you knows you should? Did he do something?”
“No,” Eddie shook her head quickly. “It’s just… I… I know things about his family. Things I…I…wasn’t meant to know. And I found out because I… I stuck my nose where I shouldn’t and now… I… think I ruined everything.”
Her voice shook again, and she took a hasty sip of her tea, swallowing with difficulty past this lump that had built in her throat.
“And… and I went and fell for him,” she continued again, looking back at her brother with lost eyes. “Like an idiot. Like everyone does. Except… I actually know him. No one else ever got to know him and… and I thought that he… wanted me around, but he just runs away any moment that things get hard!” anger was entering her tone now as Eddie sat up a little straighter. “And,” she continued, gesturing one hand wildly. “How did I even get to know him? He never lets anyone in. I… things happened out of coincidence, but what if they weren’t coincidence, Alex! What if it was all meant to be for some reason?!” she started to sound mad, but she couldn’t hear it herself, letting the words fall with no rhyme or rhythm. “Alex, if there’s a God do you think he has a plan for everything? For everyone?! Do you think he is good?! Or… or terrifying, because-”
“Whoa, Eddie, Eddie,” Alex cut her off finally, shaking his head. “Where is this coming from? You’re not… even religious. Why are you suddenly worrying about God?”
Eddie bit her lip, staring up at her brother. “I don’t know…” she whispered. “I’m… I’m confused.”
Alex exhaled slowly. “What did this boy do to you?” he asked lowly. “I’ve never seen you like this before. If he-”
“No Alex, he didn’t do anything!” Eddie cried, angry tears blurring her eyes again. “It’s not his fault. I told you.”
“Then what is going on?” Alex urged. “Is the workload too much that it’s stressing you out of your mind? Because you’re not making any sense. All you are saying is just making me believe even more that you should not see this Sam guy again.”
Eddie exhaled roughly looking away and holding her tea mug tightly. “Well it doesn’t matter anyway…” she muttered lowly. “He doesn’t want to see me.”
Alex sighed lowly, hesitating for a moment. “Look… Eds… Breakups are rough, but-”
“We didn’t break up!” Eddie blurted, her cheeks flushing with colour and she swung around wildly to glare at her brother. “We were never dating! I told you we’re just friends!”
Alex took his hand from her back, raising it in surrender. “Alright, far out,” he said quickly. “It’s hard to know what the hell is going on, Ed. You said you really like him and-”
“Yes, but that’s my mistake!” Eddie pushed, feeling utterly ridiculous for she wished she could control her emotions, but nothing could stop these overwhelming feelings. She huffed, wiping roughly at her eyes again. “Look you don’t have to worry about me,” she muttered. “I’ll be fine. I’m just… I’m just upset right now. Ok?”
Alex didn’t say anything for a moment, and Eddie didn’t look at him. “You need a distraction,” he said finally. “How about… I go make some popcorn and another tea for you… and we watch some stupid Christmas movie on Netflix?”
Eddie nodded silently, taking another long sip of her tea. “Yeah…” she murmured quietly, though she knew no movie would be able to distract her from her turmoils right now. At least it would perhaps ease her brother’s nerves. “Yeah, that sounds good.”
“Okay,” Alex smiled softly. “I’ll go get that started. You finish your tea and get in something comfy. Yeah?”
Eddie nodded again.
“Alright. I’ll come get you when it’s all ready,” Alex stood up, looking at his sister one last time before leaving her alone once more.
She sat for a while on her bed without moving. Her mind felt too exhausted to continue this constant round-about of thoughts and emotion. Perhaps the movie would help. At least to put her to sleep. She’d never felt so mentally drained in all her life.
Suddenly,
She heard a knocking sound at her window, and she sat up abruptly, staring out the frosty glass.
Slowly she stood, moving to her window and she took a steadying breath before opening it, relief and disbelief both coursing through her.
“Sam,” she said quietly to the dark haired boy that stood on the small fire escape outside. His brown eyes reflected the stars above making him seem strangely ethereal. Or perhaps it was merely that she now knew for certain his true origins.
“Hello, Eddie,” Sam said quietly, leaning against her open window frame.
Eddie blinked, her heart beating too hard. “You came back.”
Sam inclined his head, his eyes unreadable. “I… thought it was best that I left when your brother came…” he said quietly.
Eddie swallowed, her eyes hard as she did not know how to be responding to him. “How did you know this was my window?” she asked abruptly. “You… you can’t just show up like this,” she added, but her voice was hardly stern. “I have a phone, you know.”
Sam frowned slightly. “I… knew where you were staying, remember?” he murmured quietly. “I just counted the windows…” he exhaled slowly. “And I wanted… to see you in person, Eddie. I… I just want to make sure you’re okay. I know today was… a lot. How… how are you doing?”
Eddie chewed on her lip, still frowning at Sam while the freezing air outside was steadily blowing into her previously warm room.
“Are you going to come in?” she asked instead of answering his question. “Because you’re letting all the warm air out.”
Sam looked at her for a last moment before gracefully hopping in through her window, and shutting it softly behind him.
Eddie swallowed when he turned his eyes back on her. “Better?”
She nodded jerkily.
Sam’s brow pinched slightly. “You’re not okay, are you?” he asked lowly.
“No, I’m fine,” Eddie said far too quickly, her heart picking up speed. “Just fine. Just…fine.”
Sam looked even more concerned. “It’s clicked hasn’t it,” he murmured. “You’re afraid. And you should be. I… can leave if you’d rather.”
“No,” Eddie said immediately. “Please,” she added quietly. “Don’t… don’t leave. I…” she exhaled slowly, trying to keep her voice steady as it se
emed to want to waver. “I don’t know what to do,” she managed finally.
Sam took a step closer to her, his eyes concerned as they peered at her. “I’m sorry, Eddie…” he murmured lowly. “I hate that I… have burdened you with this.”
Eddie breathed out a strange laugh. “You didn’t. I worked it out. Remember?”
Sam inclined his head. “Mm…” he agreed quietly. “Too clever for your own good, maybe.”
Eddie swallowed, beginning to feel overwhelmed again. “Sam I… I am scared.”
Sam frowned further, and Eddie hastily continued.
“Not of you,” she said quickly. “Of… of God. Of all of it. I… I don’t understand. He’s supposed to be all-knowing so he must… know what’s going on with me… with us and if it’s against the rules… doesn’t that mean you could be in danger?!”
Sam exhaled slowly, leaning against the wall with his left arm, still very close to Eddie. “That’s the problem with God. Never know what the hell he’s doing or up to or planning…”
This did not help to ease Eddie’s fears. “So, what if this is all… a part of his plan? Was I meant to find out? Why… why me? I mean… so many of the things I saw around you happened out of coincidence but what if they weren’t coincidence at all and actually some master plan! I- I-” she was beginning to hyperventilate again.
Sam quickly intervened, leaning off the wall and grasping Eddie gently by the shoulders. “Hey,” he said softly, peering at her closely with caring eyes. “Shhh, stop. Don’t think about that…” he whispered. “I spent… a lot of my life wondering similar things, but… there’s no point dwelling on it,” he murmured, now carefully leading her toward her bed.
Eddie tried to calm down, embarrassed that she kept reacting like this and falling apart in front of him. He got her to sit down, sitting close beside her and continuing to peer at her with that concerned frown.
“I… I can answer any questions you might have,” he murmured to her quietly. “If that would help you.”