by J. P. Comeau
As a tear leaked down my cheek, I started clicking through pictures of us again. Pictures of Stacy and I from six years before. I played back the videos I had taken while at my place in Hawaii. I played back the footage her sister recorded of me proposing. I lost myself down the rabbit hole of memories that enslaved me and held me to my past. A past I wasn’t sure I wanted to let go.
I failed to realize just how much time had passed before I came up for air.
23
_____
KARINA
I fluffed my hair out and spread one more layer of red lipstick across my lower lip. Then, I slid my earrings onto my ears. I didn’t know how fancy I needed to be for that night, so I went with a plain dress and some sparkling accents. Then I smoothed my hands over my black dress, thankful that I had forced myself to pack it. While I thought it was one of those things I wouldn't use on the trip, I smiled at the idea of finally having a reason.
Then, I slid into my heels.
Granted, they were my work heels. Nude colored with a white bottom. Casual enough for any outfit. But, with the sparkling accents--like my earrings and my bracelet--it offset how plain my shoes looked.
Just pack a nice outfit next time, though. Just in case.
Scooping up my purse, I tossed it over my shoulder. When I peeked at the digital clock and saw it was ten minutes to seven. Right on schedule, and it made me smile. I picked up my phone from the edge of the bed and found my key sitting on the dresser.
However, I decided not to take it with me.
I mean, would I really need it?
I’d spent the past four nights in Zane’s bed. So, there was no reason for me to take a key, either. I simply had to leave the sliding glass door unlocked, and in the morning, I could slip through there. Easy as pie, and precisely what I’d been doing for the majority of that week.
So, with a smile on my face, I set out toward ‘our bar.’
I still smiled at the way he said ‘our bar.’
The sand didn’t like my heels, but I didn’t have to walk far to get to my destination. The bartender waved at me before offering a table in the corner. I took him up on the glass of red wine he served as I sat down. When I turned my chair toward the ocean, I drew in a deep breath. It had been a very long time since I’d been at peace like that. I sipped the decadent wine and watched the crystal clear waves crashing against the shoreline. That was when it dawned on me that I had never seen water so beautiful. And I had never felt so comfortable.
However, the minutes began ticking by, and Zane was nowhere to be found.
“Uh, excuse me?” I asked.
The bartender raised his head. “Yes, miss?”
“What time is it?”
“Seven twenty,” he answered glancing at his watch.
I lifted my glass. “Thank you.”
It wasn’t like Zane to be late. In fact, I would have thought that he would’ve beat me there since he enjoyed being a few minutes in front of his own schedule. I furrowed my brow as I dug my phone out of my purse. I abandoned my half-sipped glass of wine in favor of trying to figure out what happened to my date for the evening. Maybe he had called me, or maybe something had come up last-minute with work.
But my phone had no new notifications.
Not a text. Not a phone call. Not even an email.
Huh.
I reached for my wine and tried to shrug it off, but once seven forty-five rolled around, I grew worried. I set a ten-dollar bill down onto the table and worked my heels off. Then I ventured back to the bungalows and found my way onto his patio. Cupping my hands against the glass, I peered into his room, knocking softly to see if he might come out.
“Zane? You in there?”
But, only the darkness of his room greeted me.
Where the hell is he?
I walked over to my patio and rechecked my phone. I even tried calling him, but it shot me straight to voicemail. Scoffing, I shoved my phone into my purse and turned back out toward the ocean.
He wasn’t in his room.
His phone was off.
And he had clearly forgotten about our date.
“Guess I might as well get some sleep,” I murmured.
But, I flopped down onto the cushioned chair on my own patio instead and stayed there for a while.
I took a moment for myself as I brushed my tears away.
Three Days Later
A soft bang on the glass patio door ripped me from a dead sleep, and I shielded my eyes from the sun. My back hurt. My legs hurt. And when I finally looked around, I saw what had happened.
Shit. I fell asleep outside.AGAIN.
I eased myself out of my chair and turned around only to find Lilo standing at the door. He had my morning coffee and fruit bowl in his hand, along with a note. I cracked my neck and stretched my arms into the sky. He slid the door open and helped me inside before making me sit down and have a cup of coffee.
That cup of coffee was what kicked off the third consecutive day of me not seeing Zane at all. And when I say ‘at all,’ I meant it.
He delivered my laundry list of things I needed to get done for the day via Lilo. That poor man. Every morning, I woke. Alone. With Lilo knocking at my patio door. Every morning, I woke up with a crick in my neck and a pain in my chest. Lilo would have another fucking note from my cowardly boss that had stood me up. It infuriated me. It made me feel worthless. But, more than that, it made me feel used.
Like I was nothing but a sex doll for that man.
After three days of not seeing Zane at all, I broke down in my room. After the sun set, as I lounged on the private patio, I hated more than ever. I pulled out my phone and called Roxy.
The second I sniffled, Kelly got on the phone as well.
“What’s going on?” Kelly asked.
“Tell us everything,” Roxy insisted.
I sniffled again. “It’s so much. It’s so much, a-a-and I--.”
“Is there a punch line?” Kelly asked.
Roxy sighed. “Can you be any less heartless?”
I drew in a shallow breath. “He stood me up.”
Silence fell over the phone before Roxy spoke.
“As in, on a date?”
I whimpered. “Yeah. He-he--we, uh.”
Kelly butted in. “Start from the beginning and tell us everything.”
I wiped at my face. “The first day we got here, we had drinks. He didn’t want to talk about work, he just wanted to spend time with me. You know? Then, you know. We had sex on the beach--.”
Kelly gasped. “You what?!”
I paused. “Haven’t I already told you guys this?”
“You’ve told me. I never told Kelly,” Roxy said.
“Wait, you what?” Kelly quipped.
“Guys, please!”
“Okay, okay, okay,” Kelly muttered, “just act like you haven’t. Let us both get a clear picture of what’s up.”
I sighed. “Well, that happened. And then, he got stiff on me. Which I figured was because he was getting cold feet. But, things warmed up between us again, and he took me out on this wonderful romantic boat thing on the ocean with dinner and drinks. And we danced while the sun set.”
Roxy paused. “And then you had sex?”
“Yeah.”
“Uh oh,” Kelly replied.
“And after that, things were good. For a solid week, we were flirty and bantering and holding hands and kissing. I fell asleep with him every night and woke up to him every morning. It was phenomenal, guys. Really.”
“So, what’s happened?” Roxy asked.
I paused. “He asked me out on a date. Right? We had this big meeting, he asks me out, and I’m supposed to meet him at a bar at seven. But, he doesn't show up.”
“That asshole,” Kelly hissed.
“And after waiting for him for almost an hour, I try to go find him. I mean, he hasn’t called. Hasn’t texted. Or emailed. He’s not in his room, and he’s nowhere to be found. Then, get this. He starts sending me the lists of things h
e wants me to do for him for the coming days on a fucking piece of paper with the guy that delivers me breakfast every morning.”
“You can’t be serious,” Roxy said.
“Nope. I’m dead serious. I haven’t seen the man since he stood me up. Hell, since before he stood me up. And I’m supposed to continue working for him like nothing ever happened?”
“You know what you need to do?” Kelly asked.
“I’m really hoping you’ll have a solution. Because I don’t.”
“You need to come home,” Kelly said.
“And you need to quit,” Roxy added.
I sighed. “I don’t know if I can quit, you guys. I need this job.”
“But, with this job comes him. It sounds like all he’s doing is using you. And you deserve better than that in a boss. You know you do,” Kelly reminded me.
I wiped away my tears. “You don’t think this will get better, do you?”
Roxy cleared her throat. “I think he’s set enough of a pattern for you to answer that question yourself.”
My lower lip quivered. “I hate him so much.”
“Then come home,” Kelly told me, “and we’ll be waiting for you.”
“We’ll even pitch in and help you find a new job,” Roxy said.
I knew they were right.
“Okay. I’m going to get off here and book a flight. I’ll let you guys know when it’s coming in, okay?” I said with a shaky voice.
“We love you, girl,” Roxy whispered sweetly.
“So much,” Kelly echoed.
I sniffled. “I love you guys, too. Let me look at tickets, and I’ll get back with you.”
I hung up the phone with them and quickly booked my flight home. Then, I pulled up an email to Zane. I let the cursor blink for the longest time before I finally figured out what I wanted to say. And I decided to make it as clear and concise as possible.
Zane,
I can’t do this with you any longer. Nor will I be a workhorse to a boss that doesn’t even have the guts to look me in the face when he knows he’s done something wrong. Grow a pair.
Karina
24
_____
ZANE
ONE WEEK LATER
I charged through the door of my home and dropped my bags. With the driver standing on the porch, waiting for me to tip him, I rushed straight to my home office. I toggled the mouse to my computer and watched the screen come to life, and my fingers had never flown so fast across them in my life.
“Come on,” I grumbled.
Maybe my phone was messing up. Maybe it had hiccuped, and I needed a new one. Maybe it had died on me and wasn’t relaying my calls and my emails. Maybe, just maybe, Karina had sent me something more than that blasted fucking email I had read three days before.
“Or, maybe not,” I murmured.
I had no new emails in my inbox. Well, no new ones from her, anyway. I yanked my cell phone out of my pocket and sifted through my text messages again. I even tried calling her, only for it to be sent straight to voicemail.
“Come on!” I roared.
“Uh, sir?”
I heard the driver’s voice softly wafting up my hallway.
“Sorry. Yes. Here. I’m coming,” I said.
I ripped my wallet out and pulled out some bills. I didn’t know what they were, and I didn’t care. The only thing I cared about was getting back in touch with Karina. Her leaving from Hawaii had hit me pretty hard not only in a professional way, but in a personal way, too; even though I knew I deserved it for what I had done to her.
“Here. Take this,” I said.
I shoved the bills into the driver’s hands and turned him back toward the staircase.
“Now, get out,” I commanded.
“Sir, not to intrude, but this is--.”
“Just take it!”
“Okay, okay. I’m sorry. You, uh. Well, I hope you get things squared away.”
As I stood at the top of the steps with my loose tie and my wrinkled pants, I watched the cab driver make his way out my front door.
Karina.
I shot off like a bullet back into my home office. The immaculately-tailored exotic expanse of my backyard didn’t call to me like it usually did after long business trips like this one. The sprawling gardens of my front lawn and the swinging porch swing didn’t boast of the sweet songs it would sing to me as the wind softly whipped around my home. The sweet smell of freshly-baked cookies did nothing for me. The fresh food that I knew was sitting in the fridge, courtesy of my chef, did nothing to appease me, either.
The only thing I wanted was her.
I wanted Karina back.
“You’re such an idiot,” I growled.
I sat down at my desk and pressed the ‘reply’ button to Karina’s email. As I sat back, I tried to formulate the best response to her message. While it was quaint and contrite, it was also filled with malice. I had taken advantage of her. That much was for sure. It was all because I didn’t know how to peel my future away from my past.
I watched that cursor blink, and blink. I kept drawing in deep lungfuls of air as it continued to blink, and blink. I heard the wind whipping around the twenty-something acres I owned as the cursor blinked, and blinked.
The longer I sat there, the more paralyzed I became.
“Zane?”
Brenden’s voice snapped me from my trance. But, when I did, it was as if the light completely dimmed from my eyes. My home office was no longer lit up with the presence of the sun. Instead, a darkness had settled over it.
A darkness as expansive as the hole my ex left in my heart.
“Zane!”
I cleared my throat. “Yeah?”
I raised my eyes long enough to see Brenden pop his head around the door frame. “There you are. You weren’t at the office, so I came here.”
I nodded slowly. “Uh, sorry.”
He stepped into the room. “How long have you been sitting here?”
My eyes dropped to my computer, and even I was shocked. And that shock must have registered on my face.
“That long, huh?”
I sighed. “Can you make it quick? I have some things I have to--.”
“I know what happened.”
“With what?”
He closed my office door as if someone else might hear our conversation. “With Karina. I know what happened. Roxy and Kelly called me to give me an earful since, well, they didn’t know your number.”
“Ah.”
He looked at me with pity. “Do you want to know what I know?”
“You just said you know what happened. So.”
He licked his lips. “Have you heard from her?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“That’s probably because she’s too busy packing her house.”
My eyes focused. “What?”
“Probably heading back to her parents’ home after what happened. And I can’t really blame her. What the fuck did you do out there, Zane?”
I shot up from my desk. “She’s packing up what now?”
He held out his hands. “You need to calm down and--.”
I stormed toward the door. “I have to get to her. I have to stop her!”
He grabbed my arm. “Not until you hear what I have to say.”
I wrenched away from him. “Get the fuck off me.”
Then, my brother grabbed my suit and shoved me against the wall. “For God’s sake, man! For once, just listen to me!”
I swallowed hard as I drew in shallow breaths.
“What the hell do you have to say that could be more important than this right now?”
He splayed his hands over my chest. “You’re not responsible for Lindsay’s death.”
I grimaced. “Don’t say her name.”
“Well, someone needs to. Because you haven’t said her name since we buried her. And, if you don’t remember, she meant just as much to me as she did to you.”
“Doubtful.”
He sm
acked my cheek. “Snap out of it and give me back the Zane I know.”
I glared at him. “Try that again and see what you’re going to get.”
“Well, at least I have you now instead of the sulking pussy you’ve turned into.”
I turned my eyes angrily from his. “Even though I’m a man, I have a right to--.”
“Feel like shit, yes. But, no one has the right to carry baggage around so long and hard that it hurts others around them. No one gets that right. Not even you.”
I shrugged. “I know.”
“Then, stop fucking acting like it. Look, I know you feel guilty about Lindsay’s death, but it wasn’t your fault. You weren’t the one who was driving drunk that night. The other driver was. You tried to spin her side of the car out of things, but it was too late. You did all you could to maneuver out of that impossible situation to save you both.”
“But it didn’t save her!”
He shook his head. “No, Zane. It didn’t. And you need to cope with that.”
I felt myself shivering. “She should have walked away.”
His voice softened. “I know.”
“She should have walked away with me!”
“I know.”
I sniffled. “Or maybe, even without me.”
He gripped me and pulled me into a hug. “Dude, I get it. I promise you, I get it.”
I drew in a few broken breaths before Brenden pulled back, forcing me to look into his determined stare. “I get it, fully and completely, Zane. But, it’s time you let yourself off the hook. Because if you don’t, you’re going to lose out on so much life still has to offer you. And you know damn good, and well Lindsay would never, ever be okay with that.”
A tear fell against my cheek. “I miss her so damn much.”
“I know you do. We all do. But, it’s time you told someone else about her. Maybe, someone you’ve started to care about? Hmmm?”
My mind fell back to Karina and how hurt she must have felt.
“I don't know if I can fix that,” I said.
His hands dropped, and he stepped back. “Since when the hell did Zane Hearthstone ever say the words ‘I don’t know’?”
I paused. “Do you happen to know when she’s heading out?”