by Romi Hart
Life was too short to spend the rest of it alone, pathetic and cold. He still didn’t know if he could handle the kind of commitment someone like Rory was looking for. And sometimes, she looked at him like a lion stared at a steak. But he knew he had misjudged her. He’d learned a lot about her in their limited time together, and he wanted to know more. At least he could try. He might have something to show for himself, and hopefully, no regrets if he died the next time danger came calling.
Eli cut off the shower and pulled back the curtain. He reached for his towel and patted himself dry as he thought of Zeke, probably having the night of his life as he and his woman celebrated life through an act that could very well create another. They would be clinging to each other.
And he suddenly envied Zeke. He was a lucky man.
Eli knew what he needed, but with how he had treated her, wavering back and forth and probably making her feel used, could he even ask to see her? And did he dare subject himself to her presence when he was on this emotional roller coaster, possibly overthinking everything because of a near death experience?
Because this wouldn’t just be about sex, as much as he hated to admit it. It would mean admitting he cared for her, not just her body, and even if he didn’t say it, he knew after this, she’d have more power over him than he cared to think about.
But desperation made his heart pump fast and hard, and it didn’t matter. He had to see her. He dressed quickly, found her text – a number he still hadn’t saved in an effort to keep himself from getting attached – and sent a simple text, not actually expecting an answer at this hour.
Had a rough night. Can I see you?
He hit send, and then he waited. No response. He threw himself back on his bed, staring at the ceiling, but after an hour, he still had no answer. He checked to make sure the message went through, feeling desperate, but there was nothing wrong with his phone.
Not that he deserved a quick answer, flitting in and out of her life and her bed, but he hoped it was just that she hadn’t seen the message, was sleeping.
Still, his need was growing like a tumor in his gut. So, he opted for a call instead.
The phone rang several times before going to voicemail. He tried again before leaving a message. He didn’t want her to read too much into it, but his whole body was aching for her, especially that gathering tension in his gut. And there was a hole in his chest that seemed to grow as he began to fear he’d lost his opportunity at something special and meaningful in his life.
"Hey, it’s Eli. I know I’ve been flaky, and I’m sorry. I want to talk to you about that. And tonight…” He paused and sighed. “It was really bad, and it got me thinking. I want to see you. I need to see you, so please call me back, or text me if I can stop by."
He hung up feeling incredibly unsatisfied. Where was she?
13
Rory woke up to her alarm, smiling about having gotten to sleep in. Almost eleven, with no work or yoga on her schedule. Just brunch and Mimosas by the pool with a friend.
When she hadn't been able to figure out what to do about Eli, she realized she needed a weekend away. So she had called up her friend, Valerie, one of the personal trainers from the gym, to ask her if they had any available rooms at the spa retreat in Miami that Val’s family owned. It was the perfect escape, away from any thoughts about the man who blew in and out of her life. And Valerie had been more than ready to join her for a weekend getaway.
After work on Friday, Rory had jumped on a plane with her discount ticket and made her way to Miami, enjoying the feel of the luxurious bed in the suite that Valerie had landed her.
She rose from the bed, stretching, and went over to the window, pushing open the curtains and reveling in the view. It was bright and sunny with a fabulous view of the ocean. It was exactly the kind of place where she could forget reality, especially considering that this particular spa retreat did not allow phones on the premises. You checked them in at the door. The whole point was to get away from everything, including the technology that tethered you to the modern world.
At first, it was difficult. But within hours, she’d forgotten completely that she was off the grid and felt the stress of her daily life melting away. And by the time she’d gone to bed, her brain had stopped processing the pros and cons of telling Eli how she really felt.
She smiled and opened the carry-on she had packed. Only the essentials. She grabbed one of the two bikinis, opting for the bright pink, hoping it would keep her in a good mood. She admired reflection, reminding herself yet again she was a pretty woman who deserved the best, and she had earned this weekend to relax and not think about anything. Then, she blew a kiss to herself before slipping her key card inside her bikini top and heading down to the pool where she knew Valerie would be waiting for her.
As soon as they saw each other, Valerie lifted the drink already in her hand. Valerie was such a saucy, entitled woman, the life of the party, and the atmosphere was better when she was around. Definitely great for recovery from disappointment.
She got into the pool, sighing as she let the cool water relieve the heat of the sun beating down on her skin. It was a perfect combination. She waded over to her friend, quite a feat since Valerie was surrounded by four men, two on either side. And it wasn’t even noon yet.
“Want to borrow one?” Valerie joked. Rory shook her head and headed to the swim up bar to order a mimosa. She smiled at the pretty little umbrella in it, surprised when they wouldn’t let her pay. Valerie must have listed her as an all access VIP.
Returning to her friend’s side, Rory relaxed against the edge of the pool, not so near she stood in the way of the men fixated on Valerie and her breasts, which were overflowing her black bikini top. Rory used to be jealous of those melons, but now, she was far more confident, and on her frame, tits like that would just get in the way.
More tension evaporated in the tropical sun as the mimosas kept her comfortable, mangos and other treats filling her stomach, and jokes making her loosen up and laugh. Then, Valerie decided to ask the hard question, the one she’d been dreading.
“So, what’s the deal? It’s a guy. I get that. But what is so bad you needed a vacation?”
Rolling her eyes and wishing she could just make it all go away, she decided to give Valerie the rundown as simply as possible. But first, she’d protest, something that was expected in these situations. “It's too early in the day, and I’m too sober to talk about this. I came to clear my head so I could think clearly when I go back.”
“Part of clearing your head is wrapping your mind around the problem. And here, you can unload whatever you've been feeling. I don't even know the guy. You can say whatever you've been thinking, good or bad, and we can work through it together.” Valerie had a point, but Rory was determined to at least finish one last Mimosa before she got into the nitty-gritty details.
She closely related to Valerie how she had met Eli, leaving out details that might compromise the MC. She mentioned how he’d been until she’d practically seduced him, how he’d rescued her from a DUI or death and then left his number. And she explained the friends with benefits agreement.
Rory explained her jealousy, over Eli working security at the strip club and spending all this time away and not telling her where he was going. And then she finally reached the point of true confession. “I’m falling for him, Val, which is a betrayal of the entire arrangement.” Groaning, she realized something else, and she closed her eyes, processing where she’d truly gone wrong. “It’s me, Val. I’m the problem. I’ve been blaming him for all of this, for not catering to my feelings. The truth is, he can’t act on them if he doesn’t know about them. And how am I supposed to tell him when I’m not supposed to have feelings in the first place?” Eli had no obligation to her at all, and yet, she had internally manifested an obligation and accused him of failing her.
“It sounds like you have choice ahead, whether to end this or tell him how you feel. I don't envy you, and I can't tell you what
to do. But you got your clarity, didn’t you?” She laughed softly and shook her head. “It sounds like he's been a great guy, trying to accommodate more than you give him credit for. Think about this. You’re considering ending the arrangement anyway, so what difference would it make if you told him how you felt, and he wasn’t on board?”
“How can you be so philosophical when you've been drinking all morning?” Rory asked, breaking the seriousness of the conversation with a little humor.
“I don’t know, but that's enough deep discussion. Let's do what we came here for, party and relax. You ready for a massage?” Valerie asked, wiggling an eyebrow.
“I thought you would never ask,” Rory replied, climbing out of the pool and drying off before heading inside with Valerie. A massage was just the right thing to allow her time to process what she’d just realized.
* * *
A knock at the door had Rory peeling herself off the couch, where she had been relaxing in front of the large television in her robe. She let the waiter in with the room service she gratefully accepted, the smell of food wafting into her nose and making her stomach growl. The food here was as good as the rest of the experience.
After mimosas, she’d had a hot stone massages and gotten a mani-pedi before Valerie hit the gym to work with a client. A personal trainer’s work was never done. Rory had walked the beach, enjoying the scenery before retiring for the night.
Today, she had spent most of the day lying on the beach and people watching, wading into the water for a while to swim and luxuriate in the waves. It felt nice to be away from it all and do whatever she wanted, but she couldn’t seem to get away from the one problem that had brought her here in the first place.
Valerie had been gracious enough not to bring Eli up again, but Rory’s mind had never fully departed from the subject, playing their non-relationship over and over like a broken record. Maybe she was looking for some kind of grand flaw, a reason to walk away and not look back. But she found only happiness in their time together, in their chemistry. She should have known the moment she accepted the offer of casual sex on the regular that she’d made a mistake. She had, after all, been daydreaming about being his old lady.
Did she even want that now, knowing the kind of danger he faced regularly? She would worry about him constantly, and he’d made it clear that his lifestyle carried over and could put her in danger, as well. But it couldn't be any different than marrying soldiers or firefighters or policemen. Those wives dealt with the stress because they would rather be with someone they loved than settle for less.
There was the word, coming up like vomit. How could she think about love when Eli was so mysterious about everything? She still knew precious little about the man and his life, nothing about him outside of the MC, and she’d only spent time with him outside of the bedroom once or twice.
How could she really know what she felt for him? Obviously, she was attracted to him, and she cared whether he lived or died. She weighed and measured that, thinking about other people whose lives she valued and comparing. And she found that she cared more deeply than that about Eli. But was it love?
With a sigh, she brought the food to the couch and laid down, flipping through channels until she found something appealing. But all the chick flick served to do was remind her of her own problems.
She opened the Styrofoam containers, admiring the presentation, even without a proper dish. With no one around to watch her eat or to tell her she should be counting calories, she worked her way through everything she had ordered, just leaning against the pillows. It was a nice reprieve from the norm, where she ate carefully and worked her body to the max. And as she ate, she told herself not to fret, that she didn’t really need Eli if he was going to cause her this sort of neurosis. Didn’t all those magazines claim that you didn't need a man? She was beginning to wonder if all these celebrity women who started families as single mothers and swore off men, choosing independence as a full time lifestyle, just hadn't met the right man yet. Or woman, depending on their persuasion.
Because being without Eli was just as hard as being with him.
She sighed as she reached in her bag to grab her cell phone, forgetting that it was still at the front desk, being held until tonight, when she flew out. She found herself tempted to retrieve it early and see if he had even tried to contact her. They hadn’t spoken in nearly a week, and she hadn’t told him she was leaving town. In fact, she hadn’t even told Leigh, so she doubted he would know. Not like Miami was a world away, but she felt like if she had told him, it wouldn’t have been the escape she planned. Not that she’d accomplished the goal of washing that man out of her hair anyway.
And then she felt foolish. She knew better than to run from her problems. It wouldn’t matter how far she ran; it would still be waiting for her when she got back.
What she needed was a Zen space, so she turned out all the lights and flipped off the television, the illumination of the accent lights of the resort blinking through the sheer curtains more than enough to light her room. She cleared the bed of all of her trash and food and perfectly straightened the sheets, until they were smooth before climbing back into it to sit cross legged.
She placed her hands on her knees and closed her eyes, counting her breaths in and out, four seconds in, four seconds out, until her breath became an even rhythm. This was what she taught her students, so why wasn’t she using it herself? What good were the teachings of someone who didn’t practice what she preached?
With much of her body already relaxed, she focused on her arms and shoulders, releasing the tension until everything was loose, nothing tense or stretched taut. She rolled her neck until she felt like the muscles were ready to loosen as well. Last were her lips, buzzing them a few times like she’d done for choir warm ups. Once she felt her body was in the right state, it was time to clear her mind. That was often the hardest part for most, because how could your mind ever go blank?
It took a lot of practice and explanation because it wasn’t about not thinking. It was about not focusing on any one thing. The point was to neutrally let random thoughts pass through the mind and then let them go, not lingering on them. It was about picturing your chakras, finding the third eye, and letting that extrasensory perception simply guide you to and through the points of contention. That way there were no pre conceived notions or distractions when it was time to ask your body what it really needed or wanted.
“The first step is discovering what the problem is,” she whispered and hummed to herself in the dim light, random notes that didn’t even create much of a tune. “What is it about my relationship or lack thereof with Eli that is bothering me? What is keeping me from moving forward?” she asked aloud, hoping for a simple answer.
Anger welled up in her at the thought of how much time he spent with the strippers at the club. It raised this insecurity of hers, made her feel like she wasn’t good enough to keep him from straying and running right into their waiting arms. She felt like she couldn’t trust him with the truth of her feelings because she was still hung up on this one aspect of his job.
And that was just it – it was his job, not something he did for shits and giggles. That was the reason she couldn’t seem to get past it; she had failed to accept that it was a responsibility Eli carried, not a hobby or habit.
And she really needed to work on her self esteem. When had she gone back to such a low opinion of herself?
“You are beautiful,” she began, starting a mantra. “You are worthy of love and full of light. The right man could be surrounded by beautiful women at all times and never notice them because he loves you.” That affirmation lifted a weight off her shoulders. She still had to decide what to do about Eli. Was it worth telling him how she felt, or should she end it and take some time for herself and wait for the right man to walk into her life?
She asked herself the question, letting the thoughts swirl in and out of her head, waiting for an answer that didn’t come. Instead, she felt drained. It
was time to listen to her body and go to sleep, hopefully waking up with the answer she needed in the morning.
With a sigh, Rory laid down in her bed, closing her eyes and pulling the covers up around her, hoping for a peaceful, dreamless sleep.
* * *
Rory shot up in bed. It was much too early to be awake, her flight home not until late tonight, but she knew instantly why she’d woken. She turned to the clock, it’s bright red numbers confirming it was just after seven. Still, she got up and started to pack her things. She knew instinctively it was time to leave.
Ask and ye shall receive, she thought as she moved about the suite. Just as she had wanted, she had her clarity after a good night’s sleep. She may regret pursuing this thing with Eli, but she might not. She would, however, always regret it and wonder what might have been if she didn’t tell him how she felt. She feared she’d already ghosted him for too long, leaving town without a word. She had to talk to him as soon as possible and find out if she was going to be nursing a broken heart the rest of the week or if there was any chance at all he felt the same.
The funny thing was, it was her revelation about Eli last night that made up her mind. Working security for the strip club was his job, plain and simple. The thing she liked most about MC men was their loyalty and dedication, whether to a group of people or a single intention or purpose. They focused on a goal, and it didn’t matter how seedy the goal was.
Eli was a dedicated man, just like the rest of the Devil’s Flames, and he was not interested in the strippers, at least, not in what they could do for him. He was interested in their well being and safety, and didn’t everyone deserve someone to care about that?
Other than handling that part of club business, there had never been any indication he was seeing any of the women in the strip club or having sex with them. In fact, she had been hard pressed to get him to notice her because he truly didn’t want to be with anyone. So, why would he suddenly go and sleep around just because he’d broken down and slept with Rory?