“My Queen, shall I exercise your horse? He looks like he’s taking being tied to the wagon personally.”
“I’d consider it a favor,” I said.
Killian nodded then untied Swift.
“Do you remember his father and brother?” Rhona whispered to Tira, motioning to Killian as he walked away.
Tira nodded. “I remember his brother. He was a handsome one.”
“That he was. And his father was a great clansman, a good leader.”
I furrowed my brow, looking from Killian to the maids. “What happened to them?” I asked.
Tira and Rhona turned to me, both looking surprised to find me listening.
“Oh,” Rhona said. “His father and brother were with the Mormaer when…when they all perished.”
I looked at Killian. He was chatting with Swift, calming the animal. “They were with Gillacoemgain?”
Rhona nodded.
“Who leads their clan now?” I asked.
“Killian’s uncle. Killian was the youngest son, too young to rule. He came to the castle to serve. Standish is connected to that somehow,” Rhona said.
Tira chuckled. “Standish is related to everyone.”
I stared at Killian. It moved my heart to know that he too had lost something that terrible day. But it was also a poignant reminder. Macbeth was the one who had ordered that fire. Macbeth. May the Gods reward me for my patience in dealing with such a man. Given all his treachery, I wondered why his hands weren’t covered in blood. But then a realization struck me. Macbeth’s hands might not be stained, but his mind was. He had always been unsteady, but it seemed to me, he was teetering very close to being undone. I could only hope he held the pieces of himself intact while I was away.
We rode throughout the day, camping that night. When the sun rose, we took to the trail once more. I was relieved when the ramparts of Cawdor appeared on the horizon. The sound of trumpets lit up the night, heralding our arrival. Finally, I was home. I exhaled deeply. All this time, I’d felt like I was carrying a weight on my shoulders. In Moray, I could let go.
Even before I got to the gate, I spotted a black shadow rushing across the grass to meet us. She barked loudly as she raced toward the wagon.
“Thora!” I called. I set my hand on the wagon driver’s arm, motioning for him to stop.
I slipped out of the wagon.
“Come here, bad girl,” I called to her.
Thora ran to me, more waddling than running, but her eyes glimmered with excitement. I couldn’t help but notice how stiff her legs were and how round she’d become.
“Just look at you,” I told her. “My gods, did you eat all the winter stores yourself?”
Thora barked lightly then licked my face. I ruffled her ears then pressed my head against hers. “I’m glad to see you too.”
Stretching my back, I walked through the gates, following the others into the yard.
“My lady,” Standish called, crossing the lawn to meet me.
I smiled happily. “Standish.”
Standish kissed me on both cheeks. “How well you look, Lady Gruoch. Red in your cheeks and all.”
“I am very well. And you?”
“We’ve managed quite well. I dare say, we appreciated the financial support you sent to Cawdor. I could finally afford to get some repairs to the castle done. And we made some improvements in Nairn, as you requested.”
“It’s about time Moray received some support from the crown.”
“Indeed. Now, your old chamber is ready—Morag saw to that—and we’ve prepared a feast for your homecoming.”
I watched as the grooms led the horses to the stables. “Thank you, Standish,” I said, patting his arm.
Standish smiled then looked down at Thora. “Finally got up, did you? She’s been lying by the fire since you left. I think she’s finally feeling her age, my lady.”
“Aren’t we all?” I said with a laugh that Standish joined.
Motioning to Thora, I left Standish and went in the direction of the stables. The grooms bowed to me as I passed. Thora trotted ahead to Kelpie’s stable.
“What, are you sleeping, old man?” I called to Kelpie who didn’t seem to notice I had come. Usually, he kicked and whinnied the moment he caught my scent.
Drowsily, Kelpie turned and looked at me. He whinnied softly.
“Oh, my dear, how are you?” I asked, patting his ears.
“Lady Gruoch,” a voice called.
I turned to see the groom who had treated Kelpie after the war.
“How is my boy?” I asked.
“Well, my lady. Well, but tired. He sleeps a lot.”
“Ah, so everyone is lying around in my absence,” I said, patting Thora on the head. But the truth was, both Kelpie and Thora were well beyond their prime. The war, it seemed, had taken a lot out of them. “And his wound?”
“Healed, but he limps on the leg and favors the others instead.”
I patted Kelpie on his nose then pressed my forehead against his. Sorrow filled my heart. “My old friend,” I whispered then turned to the groom. “Thank you for taking good care of him. I’ll be back again soon,” I told Kelpie then motioned to Thora. We headed back toward the castle. As I crossed the yard, I was greeted with bows, curtsies, smiles, and wishes of welcome. I exhaled deeply then gazed up at the castle.
“Gillacoemgain, I’m home.”
Chapter 30
That night, for the first time in months, I truly slept. Something about lying in the bed I had shared with Gillacoemgain made my heart feel safe. I was behind the walls of my own castle and surrounded by my own people. No harm could come to me or my unborn child here. I set my hand on my stomach. The little one inside jiggled, the fluttering feeling making my heart stir with joy.
I sighed contentedly.
“Ah, are you awake?” a familiar voice called.
“Good morning, Morag.”
“Afternoon, actually,” she said. I heard her chair scrape as she rose. “I have some food here for you. No doubt, you are hungry.”
“Famished.”
Morag chuckled. “That’s the way it is after the morning sicknesses pass. You look about that far along.”
I sat up. “Morag!”
“Oh, don’t worry. I doubt many other eyes would notice. They probably all thought you were getting round off the rich, southern food. Now, does my Thane know he’s going to have a wee babe?”
“He does.”
“Good. Otherwise, he was about to get a big surprise,” she said then grinned at me.
A moment later, there was a knock on the door. Morag went to answer. I heard low voices, then a moment later, Banquo walked into the room.
“Gruoch,” he said, rushing to me.
“Call me if you need me, lady,” Morag said then pulled the door closed behind her.
Thora, who was lying by the fire, lifted her head and whined at Banquo, her tail thumping.
“Banquo! What are you doing here?” I asked.
“I didn’t want to be apart from you a moment more. Oh, my Cerridwen, look at you,” he said, taking my belly into his hands. He kissed my stomach then leaned in and kissed me. “How are you feeling?”
“Very well. She’s started moving about.”
“Any problems, issues?”
“None.”
Banquo exhaled deeply. “May the gods be praised,” he said then flopped down onto the bed with me.
I laced my hand in his then lay my head on his chest. “How I’ve missed you.”
“And I you,” he said, then kissed my forehead.
I closed my eyes, feeling a deep sense of bliss.
I passed the summer in Moray, continuing to guide the country as best I could, and ruling the north. My work felt good, right. Perhaps this separation between Macbeth and me was for the best. The north was at peace and prospering. The south was quiet. Dispatches came regularly from Macbeth. He kept me abreast on what was happening and the progress on Dunsinane. Madelaine wrote as we
ll. Macbeth was holding steady, though he seemed greatly distracted. Again, I thought about suggesting Macbeth pursue his pilgrimage to Rome, but the timing was not right. Winter would come soon enough. And with it would come my daughter. As much as I hated to admit it, I needed Macbeth.
“Before the weather turns and you get much larger, we should remove to Lochaber,” Banquo told me as we sat beside the fire in my chamber late one night. “It is three days’ journey. I don’t want you to make the trip in the cold.”
“When do you want to go?”
“When can you leave?”
“Tomorrow.”
Banquo laughed. “I’ll make arrangements. Morag should come with us.”
“Yes. If she’s willing to travel so far. I will work with Standish. He can tell any riders I am traveling to the north.”
Banquo slid his chair toward mine and set his hand on my belly. “What will we do after she’s born? I’m plagued by the question.”
As was I. “I don’t know.”
“I don’t want you to give up being queen. And for Lulach’s sake, you cannot. But she’s our child. You won’t be able to acknowledge her. Will that be too hard for you?”
I bit my lip. My hands shook as I braced myself. “It won’t be the first time.”
“The first time for what?”
“For…for me to have a child I could not acknowledge.”
Banquo sat back, a look of surprise on his face.
“Do you remember when we first came to Moray. They asked me about my twins. I…I lied. I told them my other child had died. She didn’t. She is alive and well.”
“What? Where is she?”
“With Epona.”
“Why?”
“The gods decreed that she would be the next leader of our coven. Epona and Andraste urged me to leave her to the gods. And Madelaine and I…we had our own reasons for not wanting her to join court life. I wanted to save my child from the treachery of this world and give her the life I was denied.”
Banquo sat back in his chair. He stroked his chin as he thought.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a flicker as Gillacoemgain’s shade appeared. He watched Banquo.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Banquo asked.
“No one knew. I planned to tell you, in time. I did not mean to deceive you. Everything was in shambles when I first arrived. Time slipped away, and… Banquo?”
Banquo stilled. He straightened in his seat then turned and glanced around his room, his eyes resting on Gillacoemgain’s shade. I looked up at Gillacoemgain who stood with his arms folded across his chest.
The two men stared at one another a moment then Gillacoemgain faded.
Banquo shook his head then turned back to me. “I won’t speak against your choices. Your daughter was Gillacoemgain’s, and you did what you could to protect her. Her father seems to stand by your decision,” he said, smiling softly. “And I have already made the wrong decision in my allegiance to Moray. I won’t make that mistake a second time. My Cerridwen…how difficult it must have been for you. Such a painful choice.”
“It was.”
“With Gillacoemgain dead, you had no one.”
“That’s right. He was dead, and I was on my way to marry his killer. I did not want my daughter to suffer my choices. Lulach, I knew, could endure. But my daughter…”
Banquo nodded. “I am sorry you have carried this secret burden. I love you, Cerridwen. Nothing will ever change that.”
I reached out and stroked his cheek with my gloved hand.
“What is your daughter’s name?” Banquo asked.
“Crearwy, after her aunt, Gillacoemgain’s sister.”
Banquo smiled. “One day, we will go together and see her.”
“She’s a very smart girl, very strong. She has the stuff of MacAlpin in her.” In truth, Crearwy showed herself to be made of stronger fiber—the kind of steel needed to rule—than Lulach. While my son was destined for the throne, he always had an Otherworldly sense about him. Crearwy was a far different matter.
“We will find a way for our child. When Merna died, I didn’t know what I was going to do. But because of you, I found a path forward.”
“Do you think Balor would bring the boys to Lochaber? I ache for Lulach.”
Banquo nodded. “I will ask. Shall we make our plans to depart?” Banquo asked.
“On one condition.”
“Which is?”
“You get to ask Morag.”
He laughed. “Fine.”
I looked at Thora who lay sleeping. As for me, I had something else to do.
Chapter 31
I waited patiently for Thora at the top of the steps leading to the second floor of the unused part of the castle. She dawdled along slowly, finally reaching the top step. She was panting hard. Lighting a taper, we headed down the hall to the door that led to Crearwy’s chamber…and beyond. Today, I needed to find the beyond.
I knelt and pet Thora’s head.
“I think you know where we are going,” I told her.
She licked my hand and pawed at me.
I gazed into her brown eyes. “How little you were when I found you on that hill. No bigger than a tiny babe. But your feet were half the size of my hands. Did the fey really send you to me as the priest complained?”
Thora’s eyes sparkled, and she wagged her tail.
“Willful, magical dog. Let’s see what we can do to draw things out a bit more for you,” I said then set my hand on the latch. I closed my eyes. Gathering magic around me, I opened the door.
Waving for Thora to follow, we entered to find ourselves standing on the cauldron terrace at Ynes Verleath.
Nimue, who had been reading, looked up. Andraste’s eyes, however, were on her cauldron.
“Cerridwen,” Nimue said, standing.
“Sister, I’ve come to ask a favor.”
Nimue looked at Andraste who had not looked away from the cauldron.
“Of course,” Nimue said, frowning at Andraste’s lack of engagement. “What is it?”
“It’s Thora,” I said, motioning to my dog. “The war wearied her. I know her time is coming. She is moving so slowly. I hoped maybe…”
Nimue knelt and clapped her hands, calling Thora to her. “What do you think, Graymalkin? Will you stay with me? Very soon, your mistress will join us. Stay with Andraste and me, and it will seem as if no time has passed at all.”
Thora wagged her tail then went to Nimue.
I stared at Nimue. “What do you mean, I will join you soon enough?”
At that, Andraste finally looked up. “We will look after her. Now go. Stay no more for the sake of Aelith,” she said, eyeing my growing belly, then she waved her hand in front of her.
I pitched sideways as I suddenly found myself standing in Crearwy’s chamber once more.
“Andraste, you old crone. You didn’t even let me say goodbye,” I complained loudly to Andraste who, I knew, could still hear me.
My hands drifted to my stomach. “Aelith,” I whispered. “A lovely name, isn’t it, my rose?”
I turned to go but spotted the shade of Gillacoemgain’s sister standing by her bed.
How much she and my Crearwy looked alike. It moved my heart to no end to know, for certain, it was no mere coincidence. I was angry with Andraste for her deception, angry beyond measure. But the truth was far sweeter.
Crearwy motioned for me to come close to her. With ghostly hands, she touched the small wooden box at her bedside.
Following her gesture, I opened the box. Therein lay small trinkets, rings, and necklaces, ladies’ things.
Crearwy touched a small silver pin lying in the box. On it was the same flower that trimmed Gillacoemgain’s dagger, broach, and even his seal. She motioned for me to take it.
I picked it up and looked it over.
Crearwy moved to touch my hands, to press the item toward me, but she hesitated. Even her spirit would not touch my cursed fingers.
“I will give
it to Crearwy,” I told her.
She nodded then looked back in her box once more. This time, she touched a small ring. It was a dainty silver thing with a piece of amber at its center.
I lifted the ring from the box.
Crearwy smiled once more, this time setting her ghostly hands on my stomach. She inclined her head, then gave me the softest of smiles. Meeting my eyes once more, she slowly disappeared.
I closed my eyes, feeling hot tears burning behind my lids. Poor girl. Poor spirit. Poor lost sister. How everything would have been different if evil had not lodged itself in the hearts of foul men. Crearwy was the sister I never had, and in her countenance, I saw that same soft spirit that had lived in Gillacoemgain. I felt like I had missed my entire life, like a version of myself existed in a different reality where they both had endured, me along with them.
But it was not so.
And because it was not so, I was carrying the child of the man I loved.
What a bittersweet irony.
“My lady, I hate to see you leave,” Standish said as he helped me into the wagon. He had fluttered about me all morning as we got ready to depart for Lochaber.
“I hope to be back in the spring. We shall see what the season holds for us all.”
Standish nodded. “Stay safe, Lady Gruoch. And give the young mormaer my greetings. We are looking forward to seeing him again.”
I smiled. “Thank you, Standish.”
I nodded to Banquo who was mounted on his own stead. He had come to Moray with a contingent of his own loyal soldiers. We were more than protected, but Killian and a small group of Moray men had insisted on coming along to Lochaber. I decided not to dissuade them. Remembering Rhona and Tira’s words, I pitied Killian. He had lost everything in the war trying to protect Moray and Gillacoemgain—and he was still doing that job. How could I stop him?
The journey took three days, but the ride was not hard. The countryside, dotted with rivers and lochs, was beautiful. The summer sun shone down on us. I missed being in the forest. I missed the smells of pine, loam, and flowers. I knew my daughter was angry with me for settling her in a life of service, but it was a peaceful life. In many ways, I envied Crearwy as much as I knew she envied me. I only hoped that in the future, she would come to understand my reasons. Given she had not had to endure the same struggles as Madelaine and me, such a realization might not come easy for her. But my daughter was intelligent. Even if she didn’t feel it, perhaps knowing would be enough. I hoped so.
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