He swallowed a catch in his throat, and his eyes flinched slightly. “I have changed.”
“Why?” I pressed.
“Because…” He cleared his throat and took a deep breath, as if he were trying to calm himself. “Because I have.”
I shook my head. “I hope you’re right, but it makes no difference to me whether you are or not.” The past was in the past. The damage had been done. I was still livid three months later, when an appropriate amount of time had passed, and I wasn’t anywhere near being over it. My body was covered in scars now. First, there were kisses…and now there were bruises and permanent damage that would never heal.
He turned quiet again, the silence lasting for minutes.
I waited for him to leave, but he continued to sit there.
“Emerson.” He took another breath as he looked at me. “I understand why you feel the way you do. You’re entitled to it after everything I did. My reaction would be no different, based on my own experience. But…you’re the love of my life, the woman I want for the rest of my life, and…I would do anything to get you back.” His eyes moistened slightly as he looked at me, like he really meant every single syllable in those words. “I promise I will never, ever do anything like this—”
I raised my hand to silence him.
His eyes stayed glued to my face, his breathing increasing.
“I thought you just wanted to apologize. I thought you wanted to repair our professional relationship, even our friendship. I had no idea this was your endgame, to attempt to get back the personal relationship you destroyed.” I spoke so quietly and so professionally that it was actually tenser than if I were to scream like I did before. I was so angry that I actually got quiet, because I was floored. “It’s gone, Derek. That beautiful, perfect relationship was destroyed long ago. There’s nothing left to salvage.”
“That’s not true—”
“It is true. Because the reason that relationship was so beautiful was because I trusted you, deeply, madly. I had complete faith in you. When my mother warned me, I said there was nothing to worry about. I put all my chips in the pile and bet on you as my horse. I put in my entire life savings. I put everything on the table, my heart, my family…my daughter. And you dumped me. In a stairwell. And forgot about me.”
His eyes grew even wetter, turning into tears that weren’t quite heavy enough to escape.
“I don’t trust you, Derek. Without trust, there’s nothing there. The relationship will be a ghost of what it used to be. It’ll just be…empty. That beautiful, rare thing we had is gone forever. An apology isn’t going to bring it back. It doesn’t matter how much I love you. There’s nothing that’s going to make me put myself in that situation again, to build up someone and help them grow, and then watch them crash again…on repeat. That is not a good utilization of my energy, and instead of taking care of you all the time, I want someone to take care of me. But this relationship has always been a one-way street. I don’t have the patience. I don’t have the interest.”
He dropped his chin and quickly dragged his hands down his face, wiping away the moisture in his eyes. He blinked quickly before he cleared his throat. “I’m not the man I used to be, Emerson. I’m not…I’m not going to do that again. I promise you that I’m here, every day, forever.”
I shook my head slightly.
“Please…just give me another chance.” He brought his hands together and rested the edge of his fingers against his lips. “I can’t lose you. Please…I can’t lose you. I love you so fucking much—”
“Where the hell was this three months ago?” I snapped because I couldn’t be calm anymore. “I was sobbing my eyes out in the stairwell of a building, and you just left. You never called. You never texted. What the hell is this—”
“I wasn’t myself.” He dropped his hands and sniffled, controlling his emotions once more. “That wasn’t me. This is me. And this is me every day forever, okay? I will be here every moment of every day, making this relationship work. You’re the love of my life, and I can’t live without you—”
“You were living just fine for the last three months. How’s Fleur, by the way?”
He closed his eyes and cringed.
“Just stop it, Derek. I’m sleeping with other people, you’re sleeping with other people, it’s over.”
He opened his eyes again and looked at me, even more tortured than before. “I’m not sleeping with anyone anymore—”
“Well, I am. I’ve moved on.”
He closed his eyes briefly, pained by what I said, like the idea of me being with other men killed him…the way it killed me. “They aren’t good enough for you—”
I released a maniacal laugh. “Oh, that’s rich coming from you. You hurt me way more than any of them ever could.”
“Emerson, please—”
“I listened to everything you’ve said. I’m not obligated to do anything more. You made your pitch—and I rejected it. Done. I don’t want you.” I wanted him to leave so I could be alone, so I could let the angry tears escape my eyes and roll down my cheeks.
He dropped his chin and turned silent, his breathing deep and uneven, wrestling with all the emotions and thoughts this conversation provoked. He rubbed his hands together, bringing himself to a state of calm. Then he looked at me again. “You said you still love me…”
“I did not say that—”
“I have the best memory in the world. You used present tense, not past.”
My eyes narrowed. “It makes no difference, Derek—”
“It makes all the difference in the world. You still love me, but you don’t trust me. Let me earn your trust—”
“No. You had your opportunity, and you blew it—many times.”
“We are worth fighting for—”
I slammed my hand down on the desk. “We didn’t have a stupid fight and break up over something dumb. We were fucking in love, and then you broke up with me for no real reason and devastated Lizzie and me. Stop rewriting history and making it seem small—”
“I’m not doing that. I’m just saying that I’m not that man anymore, that I’m here a hundred percent, that I’m not going to pull that shit ever again. I’m committed to you until death do us part. And if you still love me, then give me the chance to prove to you that I’m here forever. Because I am, Emerson. I’m never, ever going to leave you again. You’re…my life.”
I rolled my eyes even though it seemed like he meant every word. “Where the fuck is this coming from, Derek? Why do you walk in here after three months of silence and profess your undying love for me? How can you fuck all those women while wanting to be with me till death do us part? Derek, you have two personalities. That one is off, and now this other one is on. It’ll revert back—”
“It never will. It never fucking will. This is me—forever.”
“Why?” I snapped. “Why?”
He inhaled a deep breath as he stared me down, his eyes angry and emotional at the same time. “Because I’ve changed. There are moments in life that make you examine your priorities, that make you wake the fuck up and realize you’ve been wrong about everything…and those moments define you forever. That moment has happened to me. That moment has made me realize you’re the fucking world to me and I would die if I ever lost you…”
“And what was this moment, Derek? You just woke up one morning from a dream or what?”
His eyes started to water again. “My parents…”
“Your parents, what?”
“They…they…really love each other, and…what they have…I have with you.”
They’d always been lovey-dovey, so that wasn’t enough for me. Nothing he said would ever be enough for me. “I’d like our relationship to be professional until I get another job and leave. You should be pragmatic and hire my replacement, so I have ample time to train them. Because I’m leaving, whether it’s next week or in a couple months. There’s nothing you could say to ever make me feel differently toward you, to ever fee
l safe, to ever risk what’s left of my heart on a gamble. Because it is a gamble, Derek. Not an investment.”
He bowed his head in defeat.
“Learn from this experience and be better for the next woman.”
He inhaled sharply like I’d insulted him. “There will never be anyone for me but you.” He lifted his chin and looked at me, his eyes wet, his expression tight with pain. “You don’t understand. You’re…you’re it. You’re the other half of me.”
Despite the depth of his words and the sincerity they were coupled with, they didn’t pierce my hard exterior. All I could see was a man who would go back and forth indefinitely, who would be the man I loved half the time and then the heartless man I hated the other half of the time. Once upon a time, I looked at Derek as God’s gift to women, the greatest man who ever walked this earth, but now…I saw a man so scarred that he would never cease to embody all his hate, his bitterness, and his fears. “I warned you what would happen if you took too long—and you took too long.”
13
Derek
I lay on the couch in the living room and stared at the ceiling. As the night deepened, the shadows shifted and moved, entertaining my eyes and my thoughts because I was unable to sleep.
I never seemed to sleep anymore.
When my head hit the pillow, I thought about my mom, thought about my life if I lost her. I thought about the man my father would become, a hollow shell that only knew how to be vicious and mean. I was on the precipice of losing my family if my mother lost this battle.
The past ten years, I’d taken everything for granted. I took for granted that I had the best parents in the fucking world, a perfect family, even if another woman had me and left, it was still fucking perfect.
Because my mom loved me when she didn’t have to.
That made it perfect.
She would give up her life for me in a split second. She loved me as much as Dex and Daisy. She wore her heart on her sleeve and showed me she was there every single fucking day.
Took it all for granted.
Now I was scared…so fucking scared.
I didn’t want to see my mom or go with my dad to the hospital because I was so low. But I refused to allow myself to run away like all those other times. That wasn’t who I was anymore. Through the good and the bad, I was there.
I just wished I had Emerson at my side.
My rock.
My everything.
But I wasn’t her rock when she needed me. I didn’t deserve her. I knew I didn’t. But I tried to get her back anyway because I didn’t know what else to do. There was no other woman on this earth I could share my life with. She was everything to me. I could picture my future so clearly now. I would be like my father without my mother—and live the rest of my life like that.
Why did I let this happen?
Why did I let my past ruin my future?
Why…why was I so fucking weak?
I closed my eyes and tried to slow my rapidly beating heart. The anxiety and the palpitations would give me a heart attack if I allowed it to continue for too long. The tears burned my eyes and almost dripped down to my cheeks.
I hadn’t cried this much since I was little.
And I hadn’t felt this low in a lifetime.
Mom didn’t look the same anymore.
Her hair was gone. She was tired. It was springtime outside, and instead of going to the cabin at the first opportunity, we were inside…in the dark…in front of the TV.
Dad was worse, barely able to keep up his stoicism in front of my mom. The stress ate at him the way the chemo ate at my mom. He aged so quickly, became ruthless, turned into a stranger I didn’t recognize.
When I spent time with my mom on the couch, my dad took the opportunity to leave for therapy. He always told my mom he was going to the office to check up on things, but I knew where he was really going. I kept his secret. I was glad he was getting help, but judging by how aggressive he was every time he came home, it wasn’t working.
Mom and I played checkers on the couch, her slender body wrapped in a blanket, her head covered in a colorful fabric to match her lively personality, which was still bubbly and bright, just a little subdued from the fatigue.
I continued to let her win, and she never called me on it—even though she wasn’t stupid.
I made my move and tried to stay positive even though it was getting harder as my mother deteriorated. I had to remind myself that she was only weak because of the procedures, that it was natural, that there was no reason to give up hope. It just made everything more real. Before, she didn’t seem sick, so it was easier to pretend everything would be okay. But now, her illness was visible, right in my face every day, and I couldn’t sleep because I was afraid I would wake up the next morning and she would be gone.
When I didn’t make my move, she lifted her gaze and looked at me. “Honey?”
“Sorry.” I reached for the piece.
She grabbed my wrist and steadied it. “Not that. Look at me.”
I kept my eyes down.
“Honey.” Her fingers moved to my chin, and she lifted my gaze so I would look at her, see the smile on her face, the warmth in her eyes. “Talk to me. The world is on your shoulders. Let me help you.”
I shook my head. “I’m fine.”
“You look… I can’t even explain it.” She placed her hand on mine, and she gently rubbed my knuckles. “Tell me what’s going on.”
She was comforting me when she was the one fighting for her life. It made me admire her more—and hate myself more. “I talked to Emerson. I can’t fix it.” There was so much regret bottled inside me, so much self-loathing, so much…despair. “I apologized. I told her that I’m a different man now. I tried everything, and she wants nothing to do with me.”
“I’m sorry, honey.”
I inhaled a deep breath and felt it fill my lungs with more sadness.
“I’m surprised she hasn’t reached out to me or come to visit. But I guess…it’s just too difficult right now. She told me it would be easier if we didn’t talk anymore because it was making it hard for her to move on.”
“She doesn’t know.”
Her eyes narrowed. “You didn’t tell her?”
I shook my head.
“Why?”
“Because I know her. If I tell her, she’ll bend over backward to be there for me. She’ll forgive me because of the situation. She might even take me back…because she’ll understand why I’ve changed.”
“And why is that a bad thing?” she whispered.
“Because it’s not what she really wants.” I respected Emerson too much to take the easy way out, even though I desperately needed her right now to get through this. I hoped she loved me enough to give me another chance on her own.
Mom was quiet for a long time as she continued to rub my hand. “Tragedy unites people. It reminds them that the bumps in life shouldn’t deter people who love each other from being together. It reminds them that forgiveness should be granted, that the mistakes don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.”
“I made more than a mistake, Mom…” There was no excuse for my behavior. I deserved to pay the price.
“I know, honey. But if she knew why you’ve changed, it could make all the difference in the world. And you’ve proven to her that you are different, that you have gone through a transformation without even realizing it.”
I didn’t understand what she meant, so I stared at her.
“Whenever something bad happens, you pull away. But in this instance, when something really catastrophic has happened…you’re running to her. You’re embracing her. If that’s not enough proof, then I don’t know what is.”
I nodded in agreement because my entire foundation had changed. I wasn’t who I once was. My priorities were straight. My feelings had never been so clear.
“I think you should tell her, Derek. She cares about me a great deal, and I think she’d want to know, just for herself. She deserves t
he opportunity to say goodbye…if it comes to that—”
“Don’t say that.” I immediately choked up, my heart developing fast palpitations. “Don’t fucking say that.”
She squeezed my hand. “Honey, it won’t. But everyone deserves the right to react to information—while that information is still relevant.”
“I’ll think about it.”
She pulled away and let it go. “Okay, honey.”
Ryan sat across from me on the couch in the living room, his head bowed in sadness. “Fuck… I’m so sorry.”
I hadn’t told my friends about it. I kept it bottled up inside because I didn’t want to say the words aloud, because then it would be real. It would be true. This was my reality, and my mom was fighting the best fight she could, but I couldn’t help her with it. It wasn’t like when she had a problem with her computer or her car and I just fixed it for her. Or when she had to pick up something too heavy and I did it for her. It wasn’t like when she needed help with something complex, and my dad was there to do whatever she needed. We couldn’t help her with this. She was entirely on her own, and no amount of ice cream or board games would make a difference.
“Is there anything I can do?” Ryan whispered.
I shook my head.
Ryan sat back on the couch and sighed. “It’s one of those times when I want to say everything will be okay, that you’ll get through it, and it’ll be alright. But I know what it’s like to lose someone to cancer, and that shit doesn’t help. Nothing helps. You just…become helpless.”
I nodded. “You’re right.”
“But I’m here, even if it’s just to sit with you.”
“Thanks, man. I appreciate that.”
He watched me for a while, and when he seemed to realize he was staring too much, he dropped his gaze.
“I tried to get Emerson back.”
He lifted his gaze and looked at me again, listening intently because it was the first time I’d mentioned her in a long time. He’d told me to make it work before it was too late, but I never took his advice. “Didn’t go well?”
The Boy Who Has No Redemption Page 10