I closed my eyes as I felt the tears drip down my cheeks.
Bye, Derek.
16
Emerson
We conducted the final interviews for the forty applicants we’d selected, including the three replacements, to make sure their personalities were a good fit with the engineers at the company. I knew I could handle it solo because I understood what kind of attitude the guys had since I saw them every single day.
But Derek joined me.
He didn’t bring up our relationship again. He barely looked at me. His mood was deep and somber, the emptiness in his eyes like he was permanently miserable. A part of me felt bad for him, even though I shouldn’t.
He asked all the technical questions to make sure they were as good as their grades indicated. He wasn’t warm or inviting, instead very cold and right to the point. Even if he wasn’t sad, that was how he was anyway, so I guess it was a good introduction.
He sat beside me in an armchair and looked at Alessandra, a young engineer who had just finished her graduate degree at MIT. She was still and stiff, her eyes on Derek the entire time, a bit star struck. “What is your philosophy about being an engineer?”
It was an open-ended question, and every time he asked it, the applicants didn’t know how to answer it. It was just strange, which seemed to be the point.
She was quiet for a long time as she considered the question.
Derek never said it, but that seemed to be something he was looking for, people who took the time to process problems and think them through before blurting out an answer filled with buzzwords.
She spoke. “It’s not just about finding the most efficient way to create something, but the safest way, the most durable way. And in order to do that, you can’t build off someone else’s work, because if you use something else as a foundation, you’ll never see the situation through a unique lens.”
Derek had no reaction, but that was the answer he wanted. “Thank you, Alessandra. I think you’ll be a good fit here. We’ll see you in a couple weeks.” He rose to his feet and extended his hand.
She slowly got to her feet and looked at his extended hand, like she couldn’t believe she got the position and Derek Hamilton was the one to give it to her. She hesitated before she shook his hand.
Derek treated the male and female applicants exactly the same, which was nice. I’d been on a lot of interviews lately, and whenever the boss called me honey or sweetheart, I wanted to scream. Derek wasn’t a misogynistic tool, which was refreshing.
She inhaled a deep breath when he withdrew his hand. “I’m sorry. I’m trying to stay professional, but I’m such a fan, Dr. Hamilton. You’re so brilliant, and it’s such an honor to be an intern here. I was about to move to California to work in the lab at Stanford, but when I heard about this opportunity, I didn’t hesitate to drop that offer. I believe in your philosophy and the commitment you have to your work.”
He was still for a while, processing the compliment with a stoic expression. But then he finally found a response. “Thank you, Alessandra.”
“You can call me Alice, just easier that way.”
“Then you can call me Derek.”
Her eyes widened at the offer. “Okay…” She excused herself and left the room.
Derek sat back down with his knees apart, staring across the room at the wall.
I didn’t rise to grab the next intern. I let Derek have a moment to digest what had just happened.
My mind drifted to my situation with Paul. He was supposed to come to my apartment a few nights ago and demand his money, but he never showed. I just assumed he got caught up in something else and he would come calling, but he never did. After all that work hunting me down, abandoning his tirade didn’t make sense, but maybe he came to his senses. I had no idea.
But it seemed like that problem was over.
It was humiliating for it to happen in front of my daughter. It was painful to be treated that way by a guy I’d slept with, and it was a hard lesson learned. I was officially done with dating, and even after Lizzie moved out, I wouldn’t get back on those dating apps. Maybe I would meet somebody at my new job, a guy who had his kids from his previous marriage or something.
At this point, I just wanted a nice guy.
My thoughts traveled so far away that I didn’t realize Derek was staring at me.
It seemed to have been going on for a while.
I blinked a couple times before I cleared my throat. “You want me to grab the next intern?”
He shook his head.
I held his gaze with the papers in my hand, unsure what the intention was behind his stare. “What is it?”
“I just…don’t feel like I deserve that praise.”
“You do, Derek.” Despite my personal feelings toward him, he was a good man. His difficult background made him damaged goods, but he was still a good person. He cared about people. He cared about doing the right thing. The money on the table was the least of his concerns. The company he founded was about more than profit.
He turned away. “I don’t know about that.”
“I do. You’ve been great with every single intern. You inspire them. You motivate them. They’re so honored to work with you because you’re the best. When they leave, they’re going to be well prepared in the workforce. They’ll do amazing things. That’s because of you.”
He stayed quiet.
I waited for him to say more.
“This company and my work used to be the most important thing to me. It was my entire identity. But now, I don’t really associate with it anymore. What does it matter that I’m the best engineer in the world? Not when I’ve taken my family for granted, I’ve hurt the women I love, and I’ve failed to forgive people who beg for it.” He dropped his chin and looked at his hands.
His regrets struck a chord with me, disturbing me deep down inside, making his pain leave his body and transfer into mine. I knew he spoke to me as his friend, as someone to unload on, because he didn’t have anyone else. “Women…?” Was he referring to Tabitha in that statement?
He nodded. “You and Lizzie.”
My heart tightened at the realization. Paul’s reaction to her existence made me appreciate Derek’s words even more, because he had been upset when he’d found out about Lizzie, but he didn’t act like that. He got to know her. He cared about her. I knew those feelings were genuine. “Times are hard right now. But they’ll get better, Derek. Life is a constant state of impermanence. It won’t always be this way. Just remember that.” It was hard to stay bitter and angry toward him, even when he’d remained cold to me when I’d needed him most. His sadness made me sad. I didn’t want him to suffer forever. I wanted him to be happy. He’d shown his remorse and expressed his regrets, but he couldn’t be in that state forever. He deserved to be free, to move on.
He turned back to me, his eyes both empty and full of pain. “Times were hard before. I was depressed. My priorities were completely wrong. I spent more time focusing on the bad instead of appreciating the good. And then you came into my life…and I was happy. I was happier than I’d ever been in my entire life. I was spending time with my family, appreciating each one of them. I never thought I could love someone like a daughter, but I did. I was finally where I was supposed to be. But I threw it all away. I agree that life is never constant, it’s always changing, but…I’ll never be happy like that again. I think…it’s going to get worse.”
17
Derek
When school had been out for fifteen minutes, I walked into the building and headed for the classroom I’d visited before. There were a few kids still on campus, hanging out near the front while they waited for their parents to pick them up. There were only a few months left in the semester, and the kids seemed eager to move on.
I walked into the classroom and found Mr. Franklin sitting behind his desk, wearing his wrinkled shirt and a tie that didn’t match his outfit at all.
He lifted his gaze and looked through the
thick lenses of his glasses to stare at me. His expression took on a subtle change, but he instantly looked panicked to see me again.
I approached his desk and slid my hands into my pockets, trying to look as unthreatening as possible. “Mr. Franklin—”
“Her work is wrong, and her answers are wrong. I’m not failing her on purpose—”
“I understand that, Mr. Franklin. I haven’t been tutoring her for a while, and we’re going to resume that instruction. I was wondering if I could have a copy of your textbook and the syllabus.” I hoped he wouldn’t find it suspicious that Lizzie didn’t give it to me herself.
He immediately opened a drawer and grabbed a textbook along with a copy of the syllabus, like he just wanted to get rid of me as quickly as possible instead of questioning my actions.
I pulled out my wallet and set some cash on the desk. “Thanks.” I grabbed everything and walked out.
I set up the stand near my dining table and slipped my device into the grip. I turned on the camera and flipped the screen so I could see the image of my dining table and the window. When it looked right, I moved to the chair at the dining table and hooked my phone to the stand on the surface, pointing the camera down onto my paper. My laptop was open and receiving the feed from both cameras at the same time. One half of the screen focused on my face, while the other focused on the paper and all the work I was about to show. “Hey, Lizzie. I know I can’t help you in person, so maybe these videos will help.” I wasn’t sure if she would use them or delete them just on principle, but I had to try. It wasn’t an attempt to reconnect with her and then possibly reconnect with her mother. I truly just wanted to help her…and help her succeed.
When I was finished with the lesson, I decreased the size of the file so she could play it on her phone, and I sent it off in a text. This is the chapter your teacher is covering this week. Maybe this explanation will help you a bit more.
Three dots lit up immediately, followed by a reply. What is this?
A tutorial. I’ll send you one for every new chapter.
Derek, I said I don’t want your help.
Then don’t watch them. But I’ll keep sending them…in case you change your mind.
When I stepped inside the sports bar, I knew there was no turning back. The anxiety couldn’t change my mind, but the confidence couldn’t assuage my fears either. My eyes scanned the tables and booths before I found him sitting there, his eyes on me, his body absolutely still, like he couldn’t believe I’d actually showed.
I crossed the room, and after what felt like an eternity, I made it into the seat across from him.
His elbows were on the table with his beer in front of him, and his open eyes didn’t blink as he stared at me, visibly nervous. He didn’t move at all. It didn’t seem like he was even breathing. All he could do was stare, as if he didn’t trust his eyes and this wasn’t reality.
I stared back, having no idea what to say.
He obviously didn’t know what to say either.
I’d texted and asked if we could meet, but I never told him what I wanted.
So, his guard was up—high.
The words didn’t come to me as easily as they used to, not like when I was with Emerson. I’d lost all my progress the night everything went to shit. I still hadn’t written a single word of my new book even though Astra was hitting up my voice mail regularly. I just…didn’t know how to talk to other people.
The waitress came over, timid like she knew there was tension between us. “Um, you want anything?”
I didn’t look at her. “Scotch—neat.” I’d gone back to my scotch-drinking ways because beer wasn’t enough to drown out my thoughts anymore. My eyes were constantly tired because I couldn’t sleep, and sometimes the scotch was strong enough to pull me under. But the dreams…the dreams were nightmares.
She returned a moment later and set it in front of me. “Anything else? Maybe an appetizer?”
“No.” I still didn’t look at her.
She silently excused herself.
Now, it was just the two of us—his hand moving to his glass to change position. He didn’t lift it to his mouth for a drink, and a quiet sigh escaped his lips like he was uncomfortable being this close to me. He didn’t try to talk to me like he did before. He just seemed wary.
I still couldn’t think of the words to start this conversation. I wasn’t entirely sure what I wanted from him. I just knew I couldn’t let this continue to haunt me.
He cleared his throat. “I was surprised when you contacted me.”
My hand rested on the top of my short glass, and I pulled it close, using it as a crutch as if I’d lost my ability to walk.
“And I was more surprised when you showed up.”
When I looked at his face, I remembered that night so clearly, the way he smiled like everything was fine…when he knew he’d betrayed me. I remembered the sound of his voice in the stairwell when he’d told Tabitha to keep the secret. But instead of letting it anger me, I tried to let it go. “I forgive you, Kevin.”
His eyebrows rose immediately, and his eyes filled with a look I’d never seen before. He seemed both dazed and touched, like this was too good to be true. He bowed his head for a moment as he continued to savor those words, to convince himself that they weren’t just in his head and that they’d actually left my lips. “What brought this on? Because every interaction we’ve had has been pretty hostile.”
“Does it matter?” I brought my glass to my lips and took a drink.
His eyes fell at my response. “It matters to me.”
I swirled my glass and stared down at the contents as they spun around the circular surface. “I know what it’s like to regret something you did. I know what it’s like to do something really fucking shitty and wish you could take it back. I know what it’s like to really be sorry…and to want to sell your soul to have another chance.” I continued to stare at the liquid after I stopped swirling the glass, seeing the dark contents that matched my black soul.
Kevin was quiet, letting those words slowly dissipate into the air around us. “I’ve thought about you a lot these last ten years. I’ve carried so much regret for what I did. Every time your birthday came and went, I wanted to call…but I didn’t want to ruin your birthday if you didn’t want to hear from me. Every time my birthday came and went, I kept hoping you would text me or something. It didn’t matter who I spent those celebrations with, it never felt right because you weren’t there. We were so close, known each other since first grade, and I threw that away for something really stupid. I don’t just feel terrible because I lost you. I feel terrible that I did that to you, that I ruined everything.”
I lifted my gaze to look at him.
He stared down into his beer and shook his head. “I was young and stupid. Tabitha and I drank too much, and it just happened. And…it was fucking wrong. It wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t worth losing you. It wasn’t worth the self-loathing. That’s my biggest regret, and I’d do anything to take it back, to get back the last ten years, to…have my best friend again.”
I recognized his sincerity a lot easier this time because it was identical to my own. It was exactly the way I sounded when I talked to Emerson, the only woman I would ever love. There was no way for her to really know how sorry I was, how much I would be there for her every single day for the rest of our lives. I could never prove it to her, and that killed me. If she knew, if she really understood, maybe I would have a chance. “I know you mean it, Kevin.”
He released the air from his lungs, a long, drawn-out sigh, like that was what he needed to find peace.
I finally took the weight off my shoulders and let it go. And I felt better for it.
“I know it’s not my place to say this, but Tabitha has told me many times over the years how much she hates herself for what happened. She knows there’s no chance you would ever get back together, but she’s sad that you’re no longer in our lives. You were our friend, and we lost you.”
&nb
sp; “She told me.”
“I just want you to know she’s really sorry too. And she and I never got together after that rehearsal dinner. We were only friends, talking about you pretty much all the time, helping each other get through the tragedy of losing you.”
It didn’t make a difference to me whether they got together again after that night. Neither one of them was my friend from that point onward, so they didn’t owe me anything.
He stared at me for a while, hoping I would say something about her. When I didn’t, he let it go. “I don’t expect us to go back to what we used to be. I don’t expect us to forget what happened. But…I’d really like it if we could be friends again. Maybe spend some time together. I know we haven’t talked in a decade, but I still think of you as my best friend.”
I dropped my gaze, my heart hurting because I felt the same way. Ryan was my best friend now, but that only happened after I lost Kevin. But when I thought of my best friend in my head, it was always Kevin, because we were so close for twenty years. He was such an integral part of my childhood, and he couldn’t be erased. If my parents threw out all the pictures of him, I would have very few pictures left of my childhood …because we were in the same photos. “Yeah, I’d be okay with that.” I lifted my chin and looked at him again.
He quickly looked away and turned his gaze out the window, the light catching the reflection in his eyes, the emotion unable to be swallowed and concealed inside his chest. He took a few breaths before he cleared his throat, hiding the instant he let everything come through, let his heart come through. “That…that makes me happy.” When he was calm once again, he turned back to me.
The Boy Who Has No Redemption Page 12