“Because I never did. Your mother and I don’t fight—never have.” He pulled his mug toward him and took a drink. “And when she needed me most, I failed her, failed our family, and she threw me out like I deserved. How am I supposed to look her in the eye after what I’ve done? I can apologize, but…” He shook his head. “I failed her. No amount of apology will fix that.”
“Mom told me that we forgive and forget, because that’s what families do.”
He closed his eyes, in pain. “She’s already forgiven me without an apology, because that’s the kind of person she is. Makes me hate myself more. She always tells me I’m the brilliant one making a difference in this world. I get a lot of credit because of my research and my awards. But people don’t understand that she’s the better one of the two of us. She’s the one who’s made me a better person. She’s the reason I’m not a dick.”
It reminded me of Emerson, how she helped me grow, how she helped me become a man I never thought I would be. “At least you know she’ll be there when you get home.”
“Yeah.” He took another drink of coffee and turned to me. “I know you screwed things up with Emerson, but she’d still be the luckiest woman in the world to have you. If she loves you the way your mother loves me, she’ll come back…eventually.”
I dropped my gaze and looked at my plate. “I fucked up pretty bad, Dad. I dumped her and never spoke to her again. I went back to my old ways…with Fleur and whoever else. Even though I’ve changed, that’s not enough.”
“I never said she wasn’t entitled to every feeling that she feels. But in my experience, when two people love each other, they’re going to be together, no matter what. I’m sure she knows that you’re never going to hurt her again, so if she doesn’t come back, she’s going to lose the best thing that ever happened to her. If she hasn’t realized that yet, she will. It’ll happen.”
20
Emerson
Lizzie was old enough to understand what was happening, so she turned quiet and withdrawn, visibly shaken by the news. Lizzie didn’t click with new people very well and she wasn’t a fan of meeting strangers, but she’d taken a liking to Cleo and Deacon instantly. So, this was hard for her, because she cared.
We walked down the hallway and approached the front door.
Ever since Cleo had told me the news, it’d been on my mind constantly. It was so easy to forget that life wasn’t guaranteed, that it could be taken without warning and without reason. It didn’t matter if you were a saint or a criminal. Cleo was selfless and giving, and it still happened to her. She was healthy and fit, fairly young, and it still happened to her.
That was terrifying.
I stopped in front of the door. “Ready?”
Lizzie stood with an arrangement of flowers in her hand. “Will Derek be here?”
“Yeah.”
She looked down at the flowers before she looked at me.
“I know we’ve been angry with Derek, but it’s time to let that go. He needs us right now.”
She nodded. “Yeah.”
I knocked.
Footsteps sounded, and then the door opened, revealing Deacon standing there in jeans and a shirt, still looking so much like Derek, tall, handsome, with a slight smile on his lips that conveyed more emotion than a wide grin. Despite the circumstances, he seemed happy to see us. “Hello, Emerson.” He looked down at Lizzie and admired the peonies in her hand. “Hey, Lizzie. Cleo will love these. Yellow is her favorite color.”
“Yeah?” Lizzie asked. “I picked them out.”
He smiled. “I had a hunch.” He turned back to me and extended his arm to give me a hug.
I stepped into him and hugged him back, hugged him like a father, felt his paternal love surround me even though his son and I had been broken up for almost five months now. He still made me feel like family, when he was the one going through the hardest time in his life. “Hey, Deacon. You look good.”
“Because my wife told me to get a haircut and shave.” When he pulled away, he turned to Lizzie and gave her a hug. “How’s softball going?”
“Good,” she said. “I use your mitt at practice.”
“That’s great. I’m glad you’re getting good use out of it.”
“Did you play baseball when you were young?”
Deacon shook his head. “No. I was more into the science club and academic decathlon…a bit of a nerd.”
Lizzie chuckled. “You’re not a nerd.”
It was hard to watch this, to be reminded of the future I would have given anything to have. It was a miracle to find a man like Derek in the first place, let alone in-laws who would love my daughter like she was a blessing rather than a mistake.
I turned to the living room and saw Derek sitting on the couch beside his mom. He was putting away a checkerboard, as if they’d just finished a game when we came to the door. Like his father, he was in jeans and a t-shirt. He put the lid on the box and set it on the table.
Cleo’s spirit was exactly the same, the light in her eyes the brightest thing in the room, her smile warm like the summer sun at the beach. But she did look different, wearing a scarf because chemo had taken her strands, and her skin was a bit hollow, like she was exhausted from fighting a battle none of us could see.
It made my eyes water.
Derek stood up then approached me, his eyes glued to my face like old times, like I was the only thing in the room that mattered every time I came into his presence. His rover, his rocket, his colleagues, none of that mattered. It was an intense gaze with a hint of longing, with a hint of love.
I used to think I was the luckiest woman in the world when he looked at me like that.
He stopped in front of me and slid his hands into his pockets. He didn’t say anything, as if he didn’t know what to say, but he wanted to be close to me.
I moved into him and hugged him.
As if he’d been hoping for that to happen, he immediately latched on to me, his thick arms circling my waist, bringing me close, embracing me like I was the love of his life rather than his ex. With his parents right there, he didn’t care. He squeezed me and held on as long as he could.
I let it happen because he needed it…and it was nice.
He pulled away reluctantly, taking his time removing his arms from around my body and stepping aside so I could see his mother.
I gave Cleo a smile, my eyes still wet, and took the seat beside her on the couch.
Her hand moved to mine, and she gave me a squeeze. “Sweetheart, don’t be sad, alright? You know how much time I save every day doing my hair?”
I chuckled, but that made two tears escape.
She moved her hand to my shoulder and patted me gently. “Just a bump in the road. Not all bumps in the road are bad. Sometimes they force us to reevaluate our next destination before we hit the gas pedal. This made me appreciate what I have so much more, and I think it’s done the same for my family.”
I nodded, unable to speak because there were tears in my throat.
Derek approached Lizzie to greet her, but she walked past him and came to us. “Hey, Cleo. I picked out these flowers for you.”
“Oh wow, they’re beautiful.” She brought them to her nose to smell before she wrapped her arm around Lizzie and pulled her in for a deep hug. “That was so thoughtful of you, sweetheart. Thank you.”
“Deacon told me that’s your favorite color,” Lizzie said.
“Yes,” Cleo said. “I’m lucky that my husband remembers little things like that.” She patted the seat beside her. “Tell me what’s going on with you. Cleo tells me you’re using that mitt Deacon gave you.”
Lizzie got into the seat and told her all about it.
Deacon sat on the other side of her.
Derek was the only one left out. Like the black sheep, he was banished from the clique. He moved to the armchair on the other side of the coffee table and sat there alone, resting his ankle on the opposite knee, watching the four of us talk like we were a group tha
t he could never join.
We visited for an hour, and Cleo’s infectious personality made it easy to forget her appearance, to forget that her skin was paler than it used to be, that her clothes didn’t fit her the way they did before, that she was fighting for her life…because she smiled like it was the perfect day.
Lizzie left the couch to use the restroom and walked past Derek.
Derek turned to her. “Liz?” He kept his voice low, hoping we wouldn’t hear in the midst of our conversation.
She turned to him and gave him a look I’d only seen a handful of times, a look that said she was seriously pissed. “I’m here for your mom, not you. I told you I don’t like you—and I still don’t.” She continued on her path, ignorant to the scathing words she’d just unleashed.
Derek turned away, trying to hide the pained expression on his face.
“Excuse me.” I went after Lizzie, because I didn’t want her to think that kind of behavior was okay, even if he deserved it. When I moved past Derek’s chair, his hand reached out to mine to steady me.
“It’s okay,” he whispered. “She has every right to be angry.” His hand immediately softened once it held mine, like it was the most natural action in the world. When he realized his touch lingered too long, he pulled it away.
“But she doesn’t have the right to be cruel.” I continued to walk and moved down the hallway to reach Lizzie before she entered the bathroom. “Lizzie.”
She halted and turned around, wearing an annoyed expression like she knew what was coming.
“Come on, you can’t talk to him like that.”
“Why?” She crossed her arms over her chest, displaying her full attitude.
“Are you oblivious to what’s going on in that living room?”
“So? He hurt you, Mom—”
“I appreciate your protectiveness. But I’m okay. I want us to be there for Derek. He’s going through a hard time right now, and he’s been punished enough. He broke my heart, but he’s still a good person, and so is his family. We need to be kind. Alright?”
She shook her head. “He hurt me too.”
“I know.” My eyes fell in sadness. “I know, baby.”
“He ruined our Christmas and ruined our lives for months, and now that his mom is sick, we just forget that happened?” she asked incredulously. “Mom, it’s been hell. You haven’t been the same. It’s like he took you away.”
“I know, but I’m feeling better—”
“Whatever. He came in and gave us promises and then just—”
“Liz.” Derek’s voice came from behind me, right next to me.
Lizzie’s eyes shifted to him behind me, her eyebrows furrowing.
He stood with both of us, the first time the three of us had been in the same room in months. He slid his hands into his pockets and looked at Lizzie with a pained expression on his face. “You have every right to be upset, okay? I didn’t keep my promises. You shouldn’t trust someone who doesn’t keep their promises. But you’ll never understand how sorry I am. You’ll never understand how much I wish I could take it all back…and you were still my girls.”
That didn’t tug at Lizzie’s heartstrings at all. She shook her head as she pressed her lips together tightly. “You’re an asshole.” She turned to the bathroom.
I was mortified. “Lizzie!”
“It’s fine.” His hand moved to my arm. “Let her say how she feels.”
She slammed the bathroom door shut.
“It’s not like I don’t deserve it.” He pulled his hand from my arm and slipped it back into his front pocket.
We stood together in front of the bathroom, alone in the hallway, his parents far away in the living room and out of earshot. He leaned against the wall, resting the back of his head against the surface. There were pictures along the hallway, pictures of him and his siblings at different ages. The picture directly next to him was his college graduation. He was decorated in medals and sashes, and he held his diploma while he stood beside his father, who had his arm around his shoulders. He looked totally different. Still handsome, still tall, still fit. But he looked happy, really happy. There was a lighter color to his skin, a brightness to his eyes that seemed to be inherited from Cleo, but not biologically.
He lifted his chin and looked at me, following my gaze to the picture beside him.
“You look so young.”
“That was over ten years ago. I graduated at twenty.”
“In two years?” I asked incredulously.
He shook his head. “I graduated high school early. Skipped a lot of grades.”
I nodded. “And then you went to Harvard?”
“Yes. They have a great engineering department.”
“What was your undergraduate degree in?”
“Mathematics and physics.”
Geez, he was the hottest nerd ever.
“Tabitha went to Georgetown, so we did long-distance, squeezing in time on long weekends and whatnot. When I graduated, I asked her to marry me…even though my dad said I was too young.” He shook his head as he chuckled. “That man is always right. And I should have listened.”
He’d never talked to me about Tabitha before, and I was surprised he’d mentioned it so casually now, especially when he had been so cruel and angry in the past. He was like a vault at the bank—impossible to break. “Why did you want to get married?”
“Other than being in love and all that bullshit?” He rubbed his palm across his coarse jawline, scraping over the shadow. “She was my high school sweetheart, and we’d been apart for so many years. I thought if we got married, we could go to graduate school together, live together, be together.” He returned his hand to his pocket. “But that didn’t work out, obviously.” He looked down the hallway, the pictures of his life a canvas behind him. “You know, I was really traumatized by what happened with her. I really loved her, and then she snuck around with Kevin and all that, and I was devastated. But now, I think about it differently, with a new perspective. Because if that had never happened or I never found out about it, I wouldn’t have met you.” He turned back and looked at me. “And even if we never find our way back to each other, you’re still the best thing that ever happened to me. I wouldn’t trade what we had for anything.” He stared at me, giving me that intense gaze that was innately possessive, innately loving. “I hope you feel the same way, despite what I did.”
Now whenever Derek wasn’t at work, I worried.
I worried about Cleo, if her treatments were going well, if Deacon was doing okay.
I wanted to text Derek and ask what was happening, but I knew it wasn’t my place to do that. I could be there for him, but I wasn’t part of his life anymore, and I shouldn’t cross that line…even if it was instinctual.
I was in the corporate office, the office I considered to be mine at this point, when I got a phone call. I answered it. “This is Emerson.”
“Hello, Emerson. This is Sandy, Mr. Daniels’s assistant. I wanted to let you know that we really enjoyed meeting you the other day and we’d like to offer you the position.”
My heart immediately pounded in my chest, and there was so much excitement, so much relief. “Oh my god, that’s such wonderful news.” I’d been busting my ass for a new job every day for months, and I’d finally found something with a comparable salary. It was less than what I made with Derek, but enough to keep our lifestyle.
“Can you start in two weeks?”
All I had to do was put in my notice to Derek and then leave.
But the idea of doing that suddenly made me sick to my stomach.
“Emerson?” Sandy’s voice dropped a few tones. “I think we got cut out for a second there.”
No. I just didn’t know what to say.
I’d declined job offers twice because of Derek, and I wasn’t going to do it a third time.
I refused.
But what would he do without me? How could I just leave when he was drowning right now? I couldn’t possibly hire som
eone and train them within two weeks. I probably couldn’t hire someone who would even get along with Derek, not that it was my problem. I needed to do the right thing for me, to walk away from Derek Hamilton forever, to get on with my life. I deserved to be free of this man.
“Sandy, I really appreciate the offer, but I just realized I can’t take it…”
21
Derek
I opened the door and came face-to-face with my brother. “Dex?”
“Is it cool if I crash here for a few days?” He had his bag over his shoulder.
“Always. I just don’t know why you’re here. It’s Wednesday.”
He shrugged then walked inside. “I took a leave of absence. I haven’t seen Mom, and I just need to see her, you know? She’s been getting these treatments for a while, and we still don’t have any news. I’d ask Dad because he’s the expert, but I don’t want to bring it up to him.”
“Don’t.” I shut the door behind him. “What about your rotations and surgeries?”
“Whatever. I don’t care.” He set his bag on the couch. “Life will go on, and other students will have an opportunity they wouldn’t have had before. Mom told me not to drop anything to come see her, but you think I give a damn about saving someone’s life when my mom is fighting for hers? Fuck that.” He walked up to me and finally embraced me with a hug, squeezing me hard.
I squeezed him back, happy that he was there, happy my brother could help me get through this.
“Daisy is coming down too.”
“From Harvard?” I asked.
“Yeah.” He pulled away. “She talked to her professors and is doing the rest of the semester virtually. They’re going to give her the notes and everything and let her take her tests at centers here in New York.”
“Wow, that’s great. Does Mom know?”
He shook his head. “She’ll just try to talk her out of it.”
“Yeah, you’re right.”
“So, other than life sucking, what’s new with you?”
The Boy Who Has No Redemption Page 15