“Why?”
I shrugged. “I did it to protect them. Not for the credit.”
“Truth always comes out…one way or another.”
“Yeah.”
He grabbed his beer and took a drink, his eyes still on me.
“Kevin and I are talking again…”
He almost spat out the liquid in his mouth, and he slammed his hand into his chest to clear his throat so he didn’t spit all over the table. He turned the other way and gave a vampire cough before he faced me again. “Kevin…your friend from elementary school?”
I nodded. “I forgave him.”
He was stunned into silence. A very long silence. “And how do you feel about that?”
It was hard to find the right answer because it was so complicated. But one word really resonated. “Free.”
At lunchtime, Emerson brought our food and placed it on the table at the front of the room. It was the best part of the day for Jerome and Pierre, and it enabled them to tolerate me at my worst times. It wasn’t the salary and the raises—it was the free food.
Instead of walking out, she stepped up to my desk and stared me down.
I met her look, seeing the blue eyes that used to look deep into mine when we were tangled together in the sheets. They used to be so transparent, so deep and kind, but now they held resentment and a dash of grief. But she was still the most beautiful woman in the world, the only woman I craved, the only sex I wanted to have.
“What did you say to Lizzie?”
I gave her a blank stare because that question wasn’t clear enough.
“I asked you a question, Derek.”
“I’ve said a lot of things to her.”
“Don’t use my daughter as a ploy, alright?”
Now my eyes narrowed in offense at the assumption. “Excuse me?”
“You think you can trick my daughter into getting me to take you back—”
“She said that to you?” I never asked Lizzie to say anything like that to her mother. My relationship with Lizzie was pure and innocent. I talked to her because she was my friend. I helped her with her schoolwork because I wanted her to succeed. There was no trick up my sleeve. But it meant a lot to me that Lizzie was sticking her neck out for me…when I never asked.
She stilled at the question, quickly realizing that Lizzie expressed her own opinions and I had nothing to do with them. She dropped the subject immediately and segued into something else. “I told Astra Books about your mother, but they’re anxious for an update, Derek. I suggest you start writing, and start writing fast.”
“I can’t.”
“Well, you’re under contract to do so, and even though money means nothing to you, your words mean everything to your readers. Your mother is doing better, so you need to focus on your commitments—and not abandon them.”
I shook my head because her choice of words was harsh. “I haven’t abandoned anything. It’s just hard for me to write when I’m in this place. Perhaps you could help me—”
“No.”
I stared her down and saw the struggle in her eyes, the way she resisted me with fury but also softened unwillingly. She was nothing but aggressive when I first approached her, but that hard armor around her heart was weakening. It was getting harder and harder for her to stay angry at me…when she still loved me. “It would mean a lot if you would at least help me get going.”
She dropped her gaze and battled with the decision.
I stared at her high cheekbones, her perfect lips, the eyelashes that extended over her cheeks. I’d give anything to slide my fingers into her hair, tilt her head back, and kiss her the way I used to, to feel that connection that satiated my brain, my heart, and my soul. My attraction wasn’t even physical. It was so much deeper than that because it was far beneath the skin. If I didn’t make this work, I’d eventually have to go back to my old lifestyle, and that was a curse. That was a lifetime punishment that I couldn’t bear.
She lifted her chin and looked at me. “Alright. Just to get you going…” She turned around and left the warehouse. I watched her go, seeing the guys in my periphery taking the food from the table and talking about baseball.
I knew there was hope. She’d had the opportunity to leave me, but she stayed.
She stayed.
My phone rang on the surface of the table, and I looked down to see Lizzie’s name on the screen.
Instinctively, I dropped everything I was doing and took the call. “Hey, Liz. Everything okay?” I heard voices of schoolchildren in the background, like she was at lunch and in the cafeteria.
“Yeah, I just had a question about one of the problems I’m doing. I’m at lunch right now.” She sounded normal, like we were friends again, like she trusted me, even when I didn’t deserve it.
It was so nice to have her back, to have at least one of my girls back. “Lay it on me.”
She sent me a picture of the problem and her work, and I walked her through it, ignoring my lunch and all the other shit I had to do. She was more important—more important than anything, really.
“Thanks, Derek,” she said. “What are you doing?”
“Just at work. Your mother just dropped off lunch.”
“Oh, is she gone?”
“Yeah. She left a few minutes ago. By the way, she accused me of telling you to talk to her about me.” It meant a lot to me that Lizzie cared enough to say anything at all. She could just use me for good grades, but she obviously wanted more.
“Well, she’s exaggerating. I just asked her if she was going to keep dating.”
“And?” God, say no.
“She said no. I asked if that included you, and she told me to let it go. I told her to forgive and forget, to use her own words that she preaches, that you two love each other, so you should be together.”
“It sounds like you’ve forgiven me…”
“Yeah. Guess I have.”
I thought Lizzie would be the stubborn one, but after our talk, she seemed to let me in again.
“I want my mom to be happy, and she’s never been as happy as she was when you two were together. And now she’s miserable…and I’ve never seen her so miserable. If you two are together again, she’ll be happy again, at least that’s what I think.”
Yeah, I imagined we would be. “I appreciate you saying that, but I have to earn her trust and her forgiveness. That’s my job—not yours. I’ll keep working on it.”
“Should I tell her about the tutoring and the guy who came to the door?”
I didn’t know how to answer that. “That’s up to you, Liz.”
“Why don’t you just tell her?”
“Because I didn’t do those things to get her back. I did them because I wanted to. Even if she never takes me back, I would love to keep helping you forever. Because our friendship is independent of my relationship with your mom.”
She was quiet for a long time, loud talking all around her. “I think I’m going to tell her. I’m afraid she won’t let you help me anymore, but I think she should know that you love her so much.”
Ryan glanced back and forth between us—over and over.
I looked at Ryan.
“Sorry,” he said quickly. “It’s just weird, seeing the two of you together. Together and not going at it, at least.”
Kevin smiled slightly as he looked down into his beer. “I think those days are behind us.”
I drank my beer and let the topic fall by the wayside. “You’re leaving next week, right?”
“Yep,” Ryan said. “We’re going to fuck in those cobblestone alleyways near the Vatican, get it on in the vineyards of Tuscany, going to do it in that hotel where they filmed Letters to Juliet. It’s gonna be fucking romantic.”
“Sounds romantic,” I teased.
“Maybe Beatrice and I need to change our plans and do the same thing,” Kevin said.
“Hell no,” Ryan said. “This is our thing. You can still get nasty in the Bahamas.”
“But doing it in pu
blic…” Kevin nodded. “That sounds pretty fun.”
I couldn’t imagine Emerson and me having sex in public. I liked to take my time; I liked to treasure every drop of clothing, the silence that allowed our quiet breaths to sound as loud as screams. I liked having her all to myself, not stopping for anything.
Ryan must have seen the look on my face before he dropped the subject. “How are things with you, man?”
“Mom is doing well,” I said. “The doctors expect her to defeat it soon.”
“Man, that’s awesome,” Kevin said. “I’m so happy to hear that.”
“Me too,” Ryan said. “Your mom’s a fighter.”
“Yeah, she is.” We all lost our minds, but she stayed steady and true. Dad fell apart and so did I, but she continued to smile. I hoped I would be brave like that whenever there was a bump in the road for me.
“So, anything new with Emerson?” Ryan asked. “I noticed you haven’t been going out anymore.”
I shook my head. “Still working on it. She’s stubborn, but I’m patient. I’d wait a lifetime for her, so it’s not a big deal. When she’s ready, she’ll come.”
“You sound a lot more confident than you used to,” Kevin said. “That’s good.”
I shrugged. “I guess I have faith that our love is enough.”
I was nervous.
I sat in front of my computer at the dining table just like I used to, waiting for my assistant to show up and force me to do something I didn’t want to do. But now, everything was different because she was the only person in the whole world I wanted to walk through that door.
There wasn’t a lot of opportunity for me to be alone with her, not anymore. She rarely came to the warehouse when I was by myself, like she was purposely avoiding it. I didn’t have a game plan tonight, so I hoped just being in the same room together would drop her walls. Every time I tried to talk about us, it seemed to pain her, so I would let our feelings do all the work.
She knocked on the door before she let herself inside. In yoga tights and a baggy shirt, she was dressed in the same attire she wore while she watched TV at night with a glass of wine in her hand. She skipped the makeup too. She seemed to purposely downplay her appearance.
Like that would make any difference.
I wanted her no matter what she looked like—she seemed to have forgotten.
Seeing her dressed casually made me want her more, actually. It made me remember those nights that I found holy, when we would lounge in her apartment then make love after her daughter went to sleep. It was easy and simple…and the kind of life I wanted for the rest of my days.
After she stepped inside, Lizzie appeared with her backpack.
That was a curveball I didn’t expect.
“Do your homework on the couch while we work.”
Lizzie did as she was told, but she gave me a look. “Hey, Derek.”
“Hey, Liz.” I watched her move to the couch and set down her stuff.
Emerson cleared her throat as she took a seat at the table, opening her bag and pulling out all her notes so we could get to work.
Lizzie texted me. She forced me to come so you wouldn’t be alone together.
I exited out of the message and acted like it never happened so Emerson wouldn’t notice. I’d looked forward to the opportunity to be alone with Emerson, to let our chemistry burn naturally. That would be impossible with her daughter nearby. But instead of abandoning the plan altogether, I just changed it. “Liz, join us at the table.” I turned to her in the living room. “It’ll be a lot easier for you to work.”
Lizzie looked at me, slightly skeptical of the invitation.
Emerson looked surprised by the offer.
I left the chair and walked over to Lizzie, helping her with her things and carrying them to the table. I placed everything right beside me, so we could be close. “Are you caught up on the story?”
“Yeah.” Lizzie moved into the chair.
“Great. You can help.” I sat down again and grabbed my phone. “I’ll order a pizza. Is that okay?” I turned to Emerson.
Lizzie grinned victoriously. “That sounds good. We haven’t had pizza in forever.”
Emerson looked annoyed, like she just saw her plan backfire in her face and there was nothing she could do to reverse it. She gave her daughter an irritated look but didn’t argue. “Alright.”
“Awesome.” When Emerson looked away, Lizzie winked at me.
I grinned and winked back.
The three of us talked about the book and where the story should go, and while Lizzie had interesting ideas, nothing really fit the tone of my work. But she was thirteen, and I didn’t want to hurt her confidence so I considered everything she said.
We enjoyed pizza and root beer, and instead of the session feeling like work, it seemed more like a family dinner. I had everything I needed to start writing, but I continued to keep the conversation going so I could spend time with both of them.
I missed it…when it was the three of us.
At the end of the night, they packed up their things and got ready to leave.
I grabbed my wallet and keys and followed them to the door. “Let me give you a ride.”
“We don’t need a ride, Derek.” When Emerson realized how harsh she sounded, she tried to backpedal. “But thanks anyway.”
I wasn’t letting the two of them walk home alone at night. Emerson could handle herself, but I didn’t like the idea of Lizzie being with her, two petite women traversing the streets alone when someone could be watching them. “I insist.”
“And I said no thank you.” Emerson turned to the door.
Lizzie came to my rescue. “Mom, I’m tired, and my bag is so heavy. Let’s just get a ride.”
Emerson flashed her an angry look. “Lizzie.”
Lizzie bowed her head.
I crossed the threshold, shut the door behind me, and continued to walk, silently rejecting Emerson’s refusal.
“Derek, I said—”
“I heard what you said.” I hit the button on the elevator. “I’m not letting Lizzie walk in the dark with a woman who’s only a few inches taller than her.” I loved Emerson with my whole heart, but I was more protective of Lizzie than I was of her mother. I wasn’t ignorant to the crime that took place in this glorious city. Even if you were on the right side of town, you were still vulnerable.
Emerson stared me down for a few seconds but didn’t fight me.
We got into my Range Rover, and I drove them home. It was a quiet drive, and no one said anything. The last time we were all together in the car was when we went to my family’s cabin for Thanksgiving.
I missed that time in our lives.
I pulled up to the curb, and Lizzie immediately hopped out. “Bye, Derek.” She shut the door behind her and quickly went up the steps to head to their apartment. She made it really obvious that she was trying to give us the opportunity to be alone together.
Emerson sighed loudly and looked out the window. “That little traitor…”
I turned off the engine because I intended to walk her into the building.
She unbuckled her safety belt but didn’t get out of the car.
“Your daughter just wants you to be happy.”
“And being with the man who broke my heart is the path to happiness?” she asked sarcastically, her eyes out the window.
“Being with the man you love and who loves you is.”
She shook her head. “Spin it however you want. Doesn’t change what you did.”
“I’m not changing the past. I’m stating the present. We love each other as much as we did before—”
“You weren’t in love with me when you were fucking Fleur, Derek.” She opened the door and hopped out.
I closed my eyes as I took the insult, let the knife stab me in the heart. But I got out and went after her, taking the stairs with her.
“Leave me alone, Derek.”
“I was in love with you. I’ve always been in love with you. I
’ll always be in love with you.”
When she reached the landing to the second floor, she turned on me. “Fuck off.”
“There’s one woman I want to spend my life with—and it’s not Fleur.” I grabbed her wrist and pulled her toward me.
She didn’t spin out of my grasp or push me away.
I kept my fingers tight on her wrist, not letting her go. “Baby, please—”
“Don’t call me that.”
“I’m not gonna stop, so don’t bother.” I moved closer to her, noticing the way she didn’t step back, noticing the way her eyes showed icy coldness but also reluctant warmth. “You love me. Forgive me.”
“No.” She pulled her wrist free and turned away.
I grabbed her again, this time moving her against the wall in front of the stairs. “You didn’t take that other job because you want to stay with me. So, be with me. I’m here in this relationship, and I’m waiting for you to join me. Come on.”
She looked away but didn’t deny my claim.
“Your daughter approves of me. That’s what you wanted—”
“You think I leave all my adult decisions to my teenage daughter?” She turned back to me, her eyes shining with moisture.
“No. But I think her opinion means the world to you. You told me you come as a set. But that’s wrong. You’re not a set of two, but three. It’s the three of us now—a family.”
She turned her head away, breathing hard, holding her silence. “That dream is gone, Derek.”
“She’s far more stubborn than you, baby. But she’s forgiven me.”
“But she’s not the one in love with you.” She looked at me again, angry. “She’s not the one—”
“You’re in love with me. I’m in love with you. Period.”
She shook her head. “How dare you dismiss what you’ve done—”
“Don’t be like me. Don’t hold grudges when you love someone. Don’t live without someone out of anger and bitterness. Don’t stop yourself from being happy because you’d rather be miserable, because it’s easier to be miserable than to take another chance. Come on, you’re way stronger than me. You’re far better than me.”
The Boy Who Has No Redemption Page 18