Mom’s voice is like a balm to my soul. She touches my arm and I lift my head up, forcing my eyes open. “Can you take me home?” I plead, shivering profusely.
“I’ve got you.” Axel scoops me up into his arms from behind before I’ve had time to protest. I cling to him, burying my head in his chest so I don’t have to see the look in any of their eyes.
“Do you know who did this?” Mom asks them in a clipped tone.
“Yes. We know them,” Skeet confirms.
“Good. I want all their names. They’re not getting away with this.”
“No.” My voice is croaky. I raise my head and eyeball Mom. “It’ll only make things worse.”
“But, honey.”
“No, Mom. Please.”
She looks over my head at the guys, and they share a look. Her features soften as she refocuses on me. “We’ll talk about it in the morning. Let’s just get you home.”
Axel places me gently on the backseat of Mom’s car, pulling the blanket off the floor and covering me. His clothes are destroyed with the same sticky eggy mixture coating my skin. His eyes blaze with anger. “They are not getting away with this,” he grits out. “Fair enough if you don’t want to report it. We’ll deal with it our way.”
Heath and Skeet nod from behind him.
“I don’t want you to do anything,” I say in a voice devoid of feeling. “It’s not your problem.”
Mom turns the key in the engine, looking anxiously at me through the mirror.
“The hell it isn’t.” I’ve never seen Heath in such a murderous rage. “You’re our girl, and they hurt you. If you think we’re going to stand by and do nothing, then you don’t know us.”
“Will you be okay?” Skeet asks, pushing Ax aside so he can lean in over me.
“I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay,” I truthfully admit.
“Blaire, honey. We need to leave. I want to get you home so Daddy can check you out.”
I twist my head to the side, meeting her concerned gaze. “One minute.” I close my eyes for a second, knowing what I need to do but hating myself for it already. I pull myself upright, biting down hard on my cheek to stop from crying out as pain whips through my body. I look at all three guys, committing their faces to memory. “I can’t do this anymore.” I shake my head, fighting tears. “I thought I was strong enough to handle it, but I’m not. Not on top of all the other stuff.”
“Blaire, no—”
“I’m breaking up with you.” I cut across Skeet and force the words out. “It’s better this way.”
For all of you. They’ve protected me; now it’s my turn to protect them. The only way I know how.
“You don’t mean it.” Heath’s tone beseeches me.
“I do. We’re finished. Please leave me alone.” I turn back around to Mom. “You can go now.”
“Blaire.”
Axel’s tone holds a gravity no one else can suffuse with one word. I know if I look at him, my resolve will waiver. “Close the door, Ax. On the car and our relationship.” I say it without looking up at him.
“Say that to my face, Blaire.” Of course, he’d be the one to challenge me.
Summoning whatever strength I have left, I lift my chin up and stare at him. “We’re finished. Goodbye.”
“Boys. Please.” Mom interrupts. “I know you’re upset, but you need to give my daughter space right now. Please respect her wishes.”
“We’re not going anywhere, beautiful.” Skeet’s fighting spirit is alive and well. “We love you too much to just walk away now. Take whatever time you need, and when you’re ready, we’ll be waiting.”
I can’t acknowledge his beautiful words because if I do I’ll cry, so I turn the other way, letting tears silently roll down my face as they close the door and Mom drives us home.
Dad cries as he attends to my injuries, and I can no longer hold back my own tears. Mom is sobbing too, and it’s such a mess. I’m making things worse for them. My selfish decision to date all three guys has only added to this nightmare. They don’t ask me about them, but I know it’s coming.
I lie in bed a couple hours later waiting for them to go asleep. I can still hear them arguing through the walls. Mom wants to move again. Dad wants to hunt down those who hurt me and exact his own vengeance. I twist onto my side, hugging Ethan’s picture to my chest. Silent tears continue to pour down my cheeks, and the pain in my chest is so intense it’s a wonder I can still breathe.
The urge to hurt myself is riding me hard. I’m only in one of Ethan’s old shirts and I lift it up, exposing my thighs and digging my nails in, scratching over the old scars as familiar emotions run riot inside me.
I could cut.
The physical pain would make it easier to deal with the pain in my head, but it will only be a temporary release. What I need is to remove these feelings permanently.
I’m so weak. So useless. Despite all those self-defense classes Ethan made me take in tenth grade, I’m still unable to defend myself. I still folded like a deck of cards out on that road. I let them do that to me. I let them make me a victim again. I haven’t moved on. I’ve regressed.
I can’t save myself because I’m too much of a fucking coward.
Ethan couldn’t save me. In the end, my problems killed him.
Skeet, Axel, and Heath can’t save me. And I won’t stand by and destroy their lives like I did with Ethan.
My parents can’t save me. Even if they knew the truth, they still couldn’t help. It’s too late. I’m beyond help. I’m a noose around their neck. Without me, their lives would be so much easier.
My cell pings from my purse, and I pull it out to torture myself some more. But it’s not another message from the guys. It’s another message from truthseeker101. Now they have my cell number I’m sure the abuse will only increase.
I want to inflict pain. I need to feel pain.
So, I open it up and read through numbed eyes.
You deserve everything that’s coming to you. Do us all a favor and kill yourself, you lying slut.
I’d laugh at the irony if I wasn’t afraid of waking my parents. The house has finally fallen quiet, so I get up and tiptoe to the bathroom, removing the items I need from the cabinet, before carefully locking the door.
I just want it to stop.
The pain has sunk bone deep, soul deep, eradicating every trace of the person I used to be.
The darkness has spread. Eating me alive from the inside out.
And I can’t face it anymore.
I need it to stop.
I don’t want to feel.
I don’t want to think.
I don’t want to exist.
I want to cease trying to survive on this plane.
These thoughts repeat over and over in my head as I empty the box with Mom’s sleeping pills and the second one with her anti-anxiety medication. I fill the glass by the sink to the brim and knock back the medication, one handful at a time, until there’s none left. Then I lie down on the floor on my side, hugging myself while I wait for the darkness to claim me forever.
Time passes, and my eyelids grow heavy. My body feels weightless. My mind is deliciously hazy.
The last thing I see as my eyes flutter shut is an image I’ve craved these past few months. His ghostly form stands over me, instantly relaxing me.
“Ethan,” I slur, reaching out a hand. “Don’t leave me again.”
Part Two
Chapter Thirty-Three
Skeet – Nineteen Months Later
“You coming to the frat party Friday night?” Heath asks, walking into the living room of the house we share off campus and throwing his duffel bag on the ground by my feet.
“Maybe. Maybe not.” I’m deliberately noncommittal. The girls at those parties are like predatory wild animals looking to sink their claws into any
male in the vicinity.
“Dude. Not this again.” He looks over my shoulder at my laptop and sighs. “Seriously, Taylor. You’re not going to find her if she doesn’t want to be found.”
“I don’t know how you can be so dismissive,” I snap, rubbing a tense spot between my brows. “Aren’t you the least bit worried about her?”
“It’s been over a year and a half, Skeet. If anything had happened to her, we would know about it. Some media outlet would’ve picked up the story.”
“Not necessarily.” I continue scanning the monitoring feeds I’ve set up to see if there is any recent news about Blaire. But, as usual, it’s empty. Snapping the laptop shut, I lie on my back, sighing.
“She left us, Skeet. She broke things off, and then she upped and left town. I don’t know why you and Axel are so fixated on finding her. She didn’t want us. It’s as simple as that.” A muscle clenches in his jaw, and I know what’s coming next. We’ve had this same argument over and over since Blaire vanished. “We all went out on a limb for her, and she left us behind without a second thought.”
“You’re an asshole,” Ax says, appearing in the doorway.
“You say that every time we have this discussion.”
“And I’ll keep on saying it if you keep up the bullshit.” He tosses a beer to me, and it lands in my lap. He hands Heath a bottle of water and drops onto the couch alongside him. “Blaire was in a bad place when we last saw her. That’s why we worry.” Ax pins Heath with a menacing glare.
I honestly thought Heath wasn’t going to room with us again this year. A divide has formed in our friendship. Since we lost Blaire, Heath has distanced himself from us. He was worried about her when she first upped and left, but then his feelings changed. His concern transformed to anger. I can partly understand. His relationship with his mom is more fractured than ever. He stood up to her for Blaire, and then she left. He’s latched onto his anger and continuously feeds it.
Heath was never a player, but he’s put Ax and me to shame since we came to UF. Ax hasn’t so much as looked sideways at any girl since Blaire. Which is practically saint-like for a guy who once fucked girls like they were a dying breed. I’ve been celibate too although I had one moment of weakness. One time where I let frustration get the better of me. I almost hooked up with this girl at a party, but it was a disaster because she wasn’t Blaire.
Blaire got under my skin, and there’s no digging her out.
Other girls hold no interest for me, so I generally abstain from parties, same as Ax. Heath, however, is a whole other ball game. He’s turned into a stereotypical man-whore, hooking up almost as much as Ax did during his dark pre-Blaire days. Heath can protest all he wants, but we both know the score. He’s pissed and lashing out. Trying to fuck the girl we all still love out of his system, but it’s not working. He might say he doesn’t care anymore, but we both know he’s lying. That does nothing to ease the tension that lingers between us all the time though.
“It doesn’t matter how much time passes, I’ll always worry about her. Until I find her. Until I know she’s okay. Know she’s happy. That’s all I want for her,” I semi-lie.
Ax stares at me, and I know he sees through me. He knows the reasons why I trawl the net every night searching for her. I won’t give up on the girl I know is my soul mate. I may have only been with her a short while, but when you know, you know. That girl touched me to my core. Same way she did Ax and Heath. They’re just less vocal about it.
And if that makes me a pussy, I’ll gladly wear that crown.
“How long are you going to keep this up? For the rest of your Goddamned life?” Heath throws a pillow across the room in frustration. “We’re in our sophomore year of college. This should be the best time of our lives. There is beer, parties, and pussy galore on this campus, and all you two do is pine over a girl who kicked us to the curb without a backward glance. Why the fuck are you wasting your time with this bullshit?” He sits up, a muscle ticking furiously in his jaw. “Wake the fuck up. Both of you. Blaire’s gone, and she’s not coming back. Period.” He stands, draining the last of his water. “If you don’t get over yourselves, I’m out of here. I’m not wasting another year sitting around watching you two mope over a girl who doesn’t want us.”
“You don’t know that,” I retaliate.
“Then where is she, huh?” He throws his hands up in the air. “She knew we were planning to come to UF. It wouldn’t be that hard for her to find us. If she still wanted us in her life, she’d find us. It’s been nineteen months, and she hasn’t made contact. Enough said.”
“Fuck you, Gilchrist.” Ax stands, putting his face in Heath’s. “No one is forcing you to stay here. You want to move out, join your football buddies in their house, go right ahead. We’re not stopping you.”
I put my beer down and climb to my feet, pushing myself in between them. “No one’s moving out, and we’ll go to the damn frat party if it means so much to you.”
Heath visibly calms down. “I’m doing this for you guys. You need to get under someone else to get over her.”
That pisses me off, and I snort, glaring at him. “Is that how you convince yourself it’s not a betrayal?”
“It’s not a fucking betrayal!” he roars. “She. Broke. It. Off. With. Us!” He shoves me. “What the fuck is wrong with you? She did a number on your brain. One day, you’re going to look back at this and fucking regret throwing away college over a girl who didn’t even care enough to tell us a proper goodbye.”
“Just because we’re not whoring ourselves around campus doesn’t mean we’re throwing away our college experience,” Ax bites back before I get the chance. “I’m top of all my classes, and I’m on target to achieve my goals. I’m going to qualify for the bar and get my mom the fuck out of jail. I’m going to earn enough money to pay Griff back for all his sacrifices. I’m going to have a life that is a million times better than the life I grew up with, so screw you, asshole.” Ax shoves Heath aside before marching out of the room.
I shake my head. “You’ve got to stop pressing his buttons. The fact he’s not casually hooking up with anyone isn’t a bad thing. Have you forgotten what he was like when he was spiraling? He’s in a pretty good place, man. Don’t ruin that.”
“He’s not in a good place when it comes to her. Neither of you are.”
“That’s your opinion. It’s not ours. We’re not giving up on her.”
He shakes his head. “It’s pointless to keep hoping. She’s gone, Skeet. She’s gone.” He clamps his hand on my shoulder before stalking to the door. “I’m leaving in an hour with or without you.”
Axel and I hover by the doorway, drinking warm beer from red cups while surveying the carnage in front of us. Drunken girls are draped all over Heath and his football buddies, ignorant to the fact they are just one of a number.
“I hate that douche McKenzie,” Axel admits, glaring at the back of the douche’s head.
“Same. I don’t know how Gilchrist puts up with him.”
“Probably for the same reason the rest of those idiots do. His five-second forty-yard dash.”
“Hey, Ax.” A petite blonde with perky tits lands in front of us, interrupting us mid-conversation. She swoons at Ax, and I feel like pulling her aside and filling her in. She’s wasting her time. If Axel was ever going to hook up with any other girl, it wouldn’t be with a blonde. It’s too much of a reminder of the girl we loved and lost.
“Larissa.” Ax is polite but barely.
“I haven’t seen you here before,” she says, batting her eyelashes and placing her hand on his arm.
“That’s original.” Ax removes her hand, staring her out of it, but she’s a feisty little thing and not to be deterred.
“You’re so funny.” She playfully shoves his shoulder, and I smother a laugh. “It’s one of the things I like most about you.”
Oh boy.
“Was there something you wanted?” I can tell from the way his jaw works that he’s grinding down on his teeth and losing whatever semblance of patience he possesses.
“You.” She sways on her feet, clearly smashed, smiling up at him like he hung the stars in the sky.
“Not going to happen, sweetheart.” Ax’s smile is tight.
“Why not?” She pouts, and it’s not a good look on her.
I take pity on Ax, jumping to the rescue. “Because he’s got a girl back home and he’s loyal.” It’s only half a lie.
“So, do us both a favor, and stop wasting your time.” Ax doesn’t hold back. Not now or the hundred other times I’ve watched him deflect advances. He has zero interest in anyone but Blaire, and I love that we’re both on the same page.
“Huh.” Her nostrils flare, and I can tell she’s debating whether he’s telling her the truth or not. “Well, I hope she’s worth it.” She flounces off, and Ax visibly relaxes.
“Is it just me or does every girl pale under Blaire’s memory?”
“It’s not just you. No one else comes even close.”
He sips slowly on his beer, watching Larissa make a beeline for Heath. “Do you think he’s right?” He tips his head at Heath, who now, predictably, has his arm curved around Larissa’s waist. “That we’re foolish to think we can get her back.”
“I don’t believe that. If we want to find her, we will.”
“But you’ve been searching this whole time and found nothing.” He sighs, sounding resigned. “I think we might have to face facts, man. We might never find her. Not if she’s changed her name completely.”
This is the first time I’ve heard Ax sound so defeatist, and I feel like taking back my thoughts from a few minutes ago. “I refuse to think like that,” I spit out, anger fueling the blood flowing through my veins. “And I can’t believe you’re capitulating.”
“I never said that.” Now he looks mad. “You know how I feel about her. She’s everything to me, and I want her back. I’m just thinking out loud.”
Surviving Amber Springs: A Stand-Alone Contemporary Romance Page 25