by Smith, TL
I was reeling from his death and now this?
When he hadn’t shown up for work Monday or Tuesday they grew concerned, so they called the fire department and asked for a welfare check. The fire department broke into his house and found him.
He was sitting in his recliner with a syringe still in the top of his right hand (he was right-handed so bruises on that hand would be easier to explain), dead.
He had injected a lethal dose of Demerol, morphine, and fentanyl. They would later rule it an accidental overdose, but I’m not convinced. To this day, I’m not convinced. He was a NURSE; he KNEW what that would do to him. Maybe that was why he “needed” to spend that Sunday with his family?
I will never have the answer and I miss him to this day. Maybe even more than I miss Jerry. I feel awful saying that, but what I had with Kenny was so different than what Jerry and I had. His death affected me in a different way.
The days that followed were long and sad. I spent nearly every day at the funeral home when the medical examiner FINALLY released his body. The people at the funeral home knew my name and would speak to me each time. How did they know my name?
I spent hours at a time there. Thinking, talking to him, asking God why, crying.
I noticed he had a bruise near his forehead, like maybe he had fallen. But they told me he was still sitting in chair, so he couldn’t have fallen. Maybe he hit it before the OD? There had to be a rational explanation, but each day, the bruise was growing. I also noticed an unpleasant smell but didn’t attribute it to anything other than all the dead people in the mortuary.
The day of his funeral arrived and just like always, my sister and brother in law were by my side. The stench in the funeral home was wretched and there was no escaping it. It permeated every nook and cranny. And when I went in to see him, his entire face was discolored. I asked the employees what was happening, why was his face like that? They kindly sat me down and explained to me that his body was beginning to decompose and that was the smell and the discoloration. I dissolved into a fit of angry, bitter, sad, tears while my sister and daughter tried to comfort me.
Alicia arrived and handed me his cologne and asked me to please spray him, she didn’t want people to remember him this way, so I did and for a brief minute, thought it was all a horrible nightmare. His cologne brought back so many memories. I still can’t be around someone wearing it and NOT think of him.
But even that could not hide the smell of his body, so Alicia and I decided the casket should be closed.
If I thought I was broken before, what the hell was this?
I was a mess. I was angry at God. Why did He keep taking people away from me? What did I need to learn?
My mom used to tell me, “God will keep putting the same obstacle in your path until you learn to get OVER it, not around it, not under it, OVER it.”
“Well God, what am I missing here? You’ve taken my dad, my mom, my husband, now Kenny.” “Tell me! TELL ME!!!!” Sobbing, “God I don’t understand. Please help me understand.”
I abruptly quit my job at the City, determined to go back to school and make something of my life. THAT was a mistake. I never enrolled but did manage to find another job at a construction company.
Believe it or not, Jerry and E were really supportive and actually helpful to me through this. I was incredibly lonely and sad. Not even music could soothe me, and they saw that and welcomed me. I was grateful for that. Weird huh?
Weeks later, on the spur of the minute, Jerry, E, Paige and I loaded up in the car and went to Six Flags in Texas.
Other than the two of them fighting constantly, we had a blast and by then, I was beginning to accept everything that had happened.
I even counseled her on Jerry’s drinking. She was me in the beginning. I told her to keep the peace, just to shut up and let it go while we were there, so she did, but not before she threw his favorite Dale Earnhardt limited edition, silver, can koozie out the window with his beer in it WHILE WE WERE DRIVING DOWN THE HIGHWAY.
The crazy with her was just beginning, but a much-needed distraction from my grief.
I visited Kenny’s grave often. Did some songwriting. Sang when I could. Kenny used to play the guitar a little and the first song he ever played for me was James Taylor’s “Carolina in my Mind.” It’s still a favorite for me.
Chapter 23
E’s Crazy
Jerry and E continued having problems. Paige would tell me that she was literally crazy. I realized this was accurate when she called me late one night.
She was clearly distraught (or so I thought) and told me she just wanted someone to know where to find her. She was going to drive into Lake Stanley Draper, and she didn’t want her kids to not know where she was.
Of course, I immediately called Jerry and he said they had been at the bar with another couple (friend of ours) and that she got upset about something and took off. Michael and Trish were going to take Jerry home.
I guess she went back home because she didn’t drive herself into the lake.
Then there was the time she literally chased Paige around the car at a wedding for my stepson, trying to get ahold of her to slap her? Beat her? Everyone at that reception (Jerry’s ex-wife and her family) were ready to throw her down. E finally left and went to their hotel. But it scarred Paige and reinforced to me that she really did have some issues. I filed a restraining order. Paige didn’t go around for a while after that. In Jerry’s defense, he did come see Paige and take her to grab a quick dinner occasionally.
When the dust from that settled, she continued to call me to complain about him. By now, Jerry and I were friends. We had a life together once and that was over, and he was my friend. He was also Paige’s dad. And I owed him honesty and Paige was genuinely worried for him by now.
When I felt it was needed, I would tell him what she was saying. He wrote it all off as her blowing smoke and talking crap.
I had done my part.
Another time, Michael and Trish had to help Jerry break into his own house because she threatened self-harm, only to find her drunk, and naked in the master bedroom closet.
When she called me to tell me she had checked herself into the mental ward at the hospital, I don’t think I was terribly surprised, but then she asked me to hide her car so Jerry wouldn’t take it. That surprised me.
I told her I would just to keep her calm, but immediately called Jerry and tried to make him understand how serious this was. She was there about 4 or 5 days. They even took her shoestrings out of her shoes.
I told him he had better hide his Nascar collection (it had been “ours”, but he got it in the divorce) because she was going to destroy or take it when she left him.
He finally believed me enough to slowly remove things and hide them at my work, locked up, where she couldn’t get to them. This went on for a couple months.
For him the relationship was over when she physically attacked her own daughter, choked her up against the wall and threatened to kill her. Jerry paid to put her daughter on a bus back to her dad.
A few days later, Jerry had to go to court for his back due (but current and he had to take pay stubs to prove that) child support on his son. Paige went with him. When he arrived home, she had cleaned him out. Even took all his underwear. An entire file cabinet full of important documents (like previous tax returns, etc.). She had tried to take the bed but clearly ran out of time and left the entire kitchen pretty much untouched.
She had the utilities turned off as well. He literally had the clothes on his back and his truck (which was tied to my car too, when he didn’t make his payment, the car lot would come get MY car) and the things she didn’t have time to get to.
And I felt AWFUL for him. Paige and I stayed with him that night and slept on the floor. I bought him new underwear and we brought some pillows and blankets from my house to sleep on.
He couldn’t afford that place on his own, so he found a smaller duplex, and we helped him get moved. When we were packi
ng up the kitchen, we had to move the refrigerator. Under the refrigerator was TONS of broken glass. He told us when she got mad at him, she threw things at him, specifically glass things.
We hung out a lot and had fun. The way we used to. He told me he knew he didn’t deserve me; he knew he didn’t have any right to come back in my life after all he’d put me (and Paige) through. I believed him.
He kept his place and I had mine, but we did a lot together. I had lost over 125 pounds by then and he loved that I looked “normal” again.
And I felt like I had finally WON. He chose me. But did he?
Chapter 24
Homeless Together
He got evicted from his place and by then I had found Paige and I a bigger place. He moved in with us and things went back to our normal.
I tried to divide things financially, so that I wasn’t giving up my paycheck anymore. That worked for a while, but not long.
We had friends over every weekend for poker day and Nascar or football. We had a pool that we all enjoyed, and life seemed pretty good.
I was drinking with everyone, but it wasn’t an issue then. I could take it or leave it then. Paige turned 18 at that house and we had a huge party for her.
Once again, with Jerry in control of the money, we got behind on the rent. And we got evicted. We got an apartment. I hated it. I even got a job as the assistant manager for the complex. Hated it too.
Drank more after work because I hated everything right then. Mostly, I hated me. How had I let myself get back here? On my own, we had been doing so good, but every time I let my guard down where he was concerned things went to hell in a handbasket. And somehow, he could always turn it around on me.
And the old adage, “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” played a big part in my drinking. Maybe Jerry was right, just drink and you don’t have to think about things, or argue, or fight about drinking.
There was mold in our apartment from a leak near the fireplace. They moved us temporarily next door while repairs were being made. THAT is when I found out they knew before they ever rented us the apartment it was not ready. The floor had a huge hole when the carpet was pulled up that allowed you to see clear into the downstairs unit and there was mold ALL INSIDE the walls. I was livid.
I had little to no training, the new manager was a coke head and she threw me under the bus when rents weren’t entered correctly. I walked out.
But that lost us our apartment subsidy too and by now, Jerry was only working sporadically and mostly doing side jobs for a guy. He had been fired from his previous carpentry job because he had a cooler in the back of his truck that had beer in it.
I don’t know for sure if he was drinking on the job, but at that time, I didn’t think he was. And he had started complaining about breathing issues. I was our main source of income. And I just blew that out of the water.
We had 7 days to get out. And we had absolutely nowhere to go. We used what money we had and put all our stuff in a storage unit.
Paige went to stay with a friend for a few days and we finally broke down and asked our good friends if we could stay with them until we could find something.
They told us they’d have to think about it. We were officially homeless.
Jerry had a job to do that day, so I had our Jeep (that was given to me by my sister because we had screwed up every other car we bought, or people helped us buy) loaded up with the cats and my personal hygiene items. I had exactly .77 cents. It was enough to get me one crispy taco at Taco Mayo.
I drove around the corner from Taco Mayo and stopped at a park to eat my taco. Again, wondering what I had done to get myself here and what the hell we were going to do. I could stay in the Jeep, but we didn’t have much gas and it was warm outside. Keeping it running for the A/C was not an option, but if we had to be hot and sleep in the Jeep, we would.
Paige had a car by then (she called it the bucket) that we had bought for next to nothing for her. It wasn’t great, but it got her from point A to point B and to college (she didn’t last long there though). So, I didn’t have to worry about getting her somewhere safe. She could do that on her own and she did.
Later that night our friends said “okay”. Not, “Of course, we’ve been friends for 20 years.” But “okay.” If I had anywhere else to go, I would’ve, but we didn’t, so that’s where we went for about 3-4 weeks. I tried to help out by cooking and cleaning, so my friend didn’t have to. I followed the rules about using the washer and dryer. I hung clothes on the clothesline (wish I still could, it was great!). I didn’t want to be a burden, but I felt like a burden to everyone around me.
A burden and an idiot, and a failure. As a friend, wife, mother. That last one was the hardest for me. I had tried so hard to keep it together for so long to show Paige that women can be capable and strong and here I was, homeless, depending on friends to help us out.
It was during that stay that I learned to apply for jobs on the OU website and I applied to tons of them. I was determined to get out of there, and grateful when I landed one.
And Jerry found us a house. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t a car and it wasn’t a friend’s house where we felt we were imposing. I still live here today. In that same house. Since 2007. We moved by ourselves and that hurt me. I felt like I had lost everything at that point. And in all reality, I had lost it many years before. But that abandonment issue came into play then. I felt like my one of my only true friends have given up on me. In my mind, I thought, “I must really not mean anything to anyone.”
We used Jerry’s little bitty Ford Ranger pickup and made countless trips to and from the storage unit to get our stuff moved. And I think it permanently damaged our friendship. Not scrapped it but damaged for sure.
I felt like I had no one to share my secrets with, no one to talk about how to fix up my little house. I had burned a bridge clearly and that made me hate myself even more. My life was imploding around me and I had no one to blame but myself.
Chapter 25
Drinking
By now, I was drinking pretty much every evening with Jerry when he got off work. We had been back together for a few years and so far, so good. I felt comfortable by then, so we decided to get married again. 8-8-08. Significant to us because our daughter weighed 8lbs, 8oz, born at 8:08pm.
No one understood, most of all my family. But they supported me anyway and loved me anyway. We got married at the courthouse and had a big party after. Of course, my sister was there by my side, as she always was.
Michael and Trish had helped for days getting the backyard ready for our “barn party” reception. Everyone was drinking and we were playing music and having fun.
It was pretty magical for me.
People would ask me why I got back together with Jerry and I would tell them, “because I made a commitment to God, and I don’t think Jerry has a lot of time left.” I don’t know why I felt that way, but I felt like if I didn’t, he would die alone, and I couldn’t do that to him. I also knew that I would never be free from him. He was like heroin to me and after Kenny died, I needed the comfort of what I KNEW. Even if it was messed up and dysfunctional. It was my normal.
But as I drank with him (because FINALLY we had something in common) I spoke up more. If he said or did something to hurt me, I hurt him back. All the years of pent up hurt and anger came out when I was drinking, and I could be vicious with my words. This would often result in physical abuse. Pushing, shoving, choking.
I had a friend (former coworker from a brief stint I did in OKC) that we would go out with occasionally. She would always buy, and we always had fun. She had been to hear me sing the national anthem at the Blazer’s Hockey game a few times and we just clicked.
On this particular night, I loaned her some of my clothes. Fixed her hair and makeup and off we all went. Just the three of us. We agreed that she shouldn’t drive home so she was going to sleep on the couch at our house and go home the next day. I passed out on the couch and awoke to Paige telling me to
wake up. She had walked in on this person giving my now husband a BJ. OUR DAUGHTER walked in on them. WHILE I WAS PASSED OUT ON THE SAME COUCH.
She’s lucky I didn’t hurt her. Instead, I threw her out of my house, in my clothes (minus her top) into the street and threw her keys at her. All the while she was saying, “I wasn’t having sex with your husband, I swear.” Bye Felicia.
Then I walked in the house and all hell broke loose. It was early morning and the sun was starting to rise and I was still pretty tipsy. But I grabbed a 4Loco and drank more. Every single time I walked by him, I knocked him upside the head with my open palm. This was the ONLY time I was physical with him and it was unacceptable then and now, but I’m not going to hide what happened either. “How could you do this to us?” Whack. “What were you thinking?” Whack. Until his earring (he had one ear pierced and was wearing a little fake diamond stud) hit the back of his head and made him bleed. Then he called the police on me.
I sat calmly in my chair, my 4Loco on the floor next to me. One officer had him outside and a lady officer was talking to me. I refused to get up from my chair and I refused to go outside. He didn’t press charges, but he was asked to leave, and he did.
I cried and then just told Paige, pack a bag. We headed to Arkansas. I needed to clear my head and be in my safe place and my sister’s house had always been that for me
I felt nothing other than anger and shame. I refused to take his calls; I took a leave from work. I stayed in Arkansas trying to get some clarity and all I felt was mounting fear. And desperate sadness. 5 days in I answered when he called.
I told him I’d come home but only if he’d agree to talk about counseling, about stopping our drinking, (by then I knew it was a problem for me as I was using it to cope) about repairing a family ravaged by poor choices. He agreed. And we went home.