by Smith, TL
That means we probably all know someone affected. And that means there are more people like me out there, who haven’t shared their story yet. Who don’t know how. Who are being silenced.
People who have spent years perfecting their cover story so no one will know. Who refuse to believe they are part of the statistics. Who think it’s normal. Who live in fear or believe they don’t deserve a better life.
I would love to find a way to break the silent barriers put up through biases we unconsciously carry around (mostly how society perceives victims as weak). I want them to have a voice. I want them to be heard, but mostly, I want them to feel loved. Safe. Unjudged. Protected.
It’s funny, as I read and reread this, I can CLEARLY see that every time I went back to Jerry, my life went to shit (yes I said that).
I can also see where my family NEVER gave up on me. NEVER.
My sisters and my daughter WILLED me to be the person they used to know. They prayed for me, and they believed in me. I can NEVER put into words how grateful I am for their love and their patience while I got well. Not just physically either. Emotionally, spiritually.
If I think back to my childhood, all my warm, fuzzy, happy, memories revolve around being with them. Anticipating their arrival to our family function with their families. THAT is where I felt “home” was. With them. Around them. I still get giddy when I know I’m going to get to see them. We are all scattered around now. I’m blessed to have my own little family in the same house as me. God knows what we need, ALL the time.
But…. I disappointed them. I lied to them (and myself). I worried them. I hurt them. Yet, they never left my side. They may have been upset with me, and rightfully so, but they loved me. In the same way Jesus loves ALL of us. We screw up, we make mistakes, He meets us where we are.
I saw this quote and it really hits home for me. I don’t know who wrote it, but it is so accurate.
“Forgive yourself for not knowing better at the time. Forgive yourself for giving away your power. Forgive yourself for past behaviors. Forgive yourself for the survival patterns and traits you picked up while enduring trauma. Forgive yourself for being who you needed to be.”
Read it again! Doesn’t that sum it all up? It’s a never-ending process this forgiveness journey. I still feel such shame and guilt and I KNOW that God does not want me to feel this way, but when you’ve hurt people, intentionally or not, people you love and value so much, I don’t know that it will ever go away. It’s a constant reminder to stay on this path, keep moving forward. Keep getting better.
I don’t think my story will change the world, but I hope it helps someone know they aren’t alone.
And now that you know my story, how do you feel? Sad for me? Because then I have missed the point. I want you to feel inspiration. I want you to feel joy. I want you to know that happiness is possible.
Prologue
My best time for inspiration is when I have alone time with God, most of the time that’s my relaxing bath time. But hey, it works for me. And I feel led when I’m giving Him my all.
Someone asked me, not long ago actually, what I hoped to do after this. And my response was to educate in multiple ways.
For me, that begins with being okay with sharing my story with more people, you know, like my family. Some of them are in this group, but not all. I’m scared.
But I owe it to them and ME to be honest.
I will start small, like maybe one sister, then the other. My daughter is who I most worry about hurting. And I’m tearing up just thinking about it. But if I’m ever to stand up and speak to people, they need to know right?
Chapter 29
Sharing the Ugly Truth
Here is where I journaled it in my group
01-26-21
Well, I did it. I shared with the three people who I feel like I most hurt. And while I have only heard back from one of them, I shared with all of them my reluctance and they were all very supportive and understanding. Thank you, God, for your mercy and grace.
Maybe they also need time to process, to take it all in and fully “get” it.
Do you know what’s hard though? Waiting.
Ironic isn’t it? I spent so much time and energy waiting on the other shoe to drop while juggling as many things as I could, and I never got good at waiting.
I am working really hard to be living in the moment because really that is ALL we are guaranteed on this Earth.
But I’m human. There are so many things I still want to do, accomplish and I sometimes feel like I’ll never get there. And that bothers me so very much. Like, to my core, bothers me.
My feelings of not being worthy, and never measuring up are like a southern summer mosquito continually buzzing you for the chance to dig into your flesh.
What I have learned is that for me, I need to be specific in my prayer. When we sing about laying all our burdens at His feet, what do we hold on to?
For me, it’s these things. But I’m learning and growing and trusting. Through that I’m able to stop myself and see that where I am today is not what I anticipated as the innocent child, but it’s a far cry from where I was in 2015.
The life I have rebuilt since then is nothing short or remarkable because I didn’t do it my own power, it was God.
I’m learning to remember how important it is to be thankful, to see the progress, to be awed by what He has done in my life in such a short time (although it felt like a LONG time) and not let what I have yet to accomplish stand in the way of today’s beauty.
It’s hard y’all.
But if there’s any one thing I truly know about me right this minute….. it’s that I won’t give up and God will NEVER give up on me.
“For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)
I BELIEVE THIS.
If you are struggling with domestic abuse, please reach out to the resources in your area, or the National Domestic Abuse hotline.
About the Author
Terri Smith calls Norman, Oklahoma home and in addition to working for the University of Oklahoma, she is an avid Sooner Football fan.
She credits her family, friends, and God’s love, for bringing her to this place in her life, and she happily shares her journey with you in her first, published work, “Masterpiece in Progress”.
In her spare time, she loves to sing, dance, write, and cook homemade southern meals to share with friends and neighbors. Her favorite though is spending quality time making memories with her grandson.
One of her strongest motivations to write this book was to be able to share her tragedy to triumph journey of surviving domestic abuse and ptsd.