She reached for his hand again and laid her fingers across his, needing to touch him, needing him to know that she was there. ‘The day before the bombing, we were all laughing and having the time of our lives. Hours before we were dancing and drinking, thinking we were so lucky to be here.’
‘Nothing will ever be the same again, Grace,’ he said quietly, setting down the bone from his chicken and sadly shaking his head. ‘We’re at war now; you could be posted anywhere, and I’ll definitely be sent away. I don’t think anyone knows what this means for us, but we’re fighting for our lives and our country now.’
Grace gulped. ‘You actually think we could be sent away?’ she asked.
Teddy nodded. ‘Yes, I do. We resisted this war for as long as we could, but now that we’re in it, there’s nowhere we won’t be sent. They’ll do everything they can to show the world what a mighty force we are.’
She chewed on her lip and withdrew her hand, folding her hands in her lap now as she watched him finish the second piece of chicken. She wished he’d chew slower so she’d have longer with him, just another hour or another night or day to see with her own eyes that he was safe.
‘When do you think you’ll go?’ she finally asked, watching as he stared at his hands before finally looking up.
‘This might be the last time I see you, Grace. I need to get back to base before they think I’ve been added to the list of casualties or deceased.’
The word hung between them, and she suddenly saw Poppy again, saw her body contorting, saw the pain and horror in her gaze.
‘I keep seeing her,’ Grace whispered, her voice wobbling as she tried to swallow her emotion.
It was Teddy reaching for her hand this time. ‘Me too.’
‘I keep wondering if I’d just gone out earlier, if I’d shouted sooner, if . . .’
‘If I’d come around earlier and stopped her from walking out there in the first place,’ Teddy finished for her. ‘I’m having the same thoughts, Grace; honestly I am. I keep replaying that morning over and over, wishing I could have done something different, wishing I could have saved her.’
‘But you couldn’t,’ Grace said, squeezing his hand.
‘There was nothing either of us could have done,’ he said. ‘But we can make them pay.’
A shiver ran through Grace as she watched Teddy’s face change, his eyes hard, his jaw clenched as he let go of her and stood, clearing his throat and squaring his shoulders.
‘Stay safe, Teddy,’ she said, not trusting her own legs to hold her. She held her breath as he leaned in and brushed a kiss to her cheek.
‘Thanks for looking after me today,’ he said, voice barely louder than a whisper as he stepped back.
Grace wrapped her arms tight around herself as she watched Teddy go. She had no idea if she’d ever see him again, if he was walking to his death or not. But there was nothing she could do about it. The only thing she knew was that nothing could ever bring Poppy back; no amount of fighting was going to change what had happened that day.
‘Teddy,’ she called out. ‘If you do go, if I don’t get to see you again, will you write to me?’
His eyes filled with tears as he smiled back at her. ‘I will.’
‘Nurse, is there any more food for us tonight?’ a patient asked as Teddy disappeared.
She took a moment to breathe, to steady herself, before finally finding her feet.
‘Let me take a look,’ she called back, focusing on putting one foot in front of the other.
The only thing she could control right now was how well she cared for these men, and she was going to make sure they were the best-looked-after soldiers in Hawaii.
Poppy was gone. Teddy would be leaving soon. Eva might be dead for all they knew. And April would work until she collapsed.
She’d never felt so alone in all her life.
CHAPTER NINE
EVA
Eva stepped off the small vessel, wobbling as she tried to put one foot in front of the other. It felt like her balance was gone, her entire body quivering as she breathed in the familiar humid air and braced herself for what she was about to see.
The last three days, she’d seen more blood than she’d ever in her life expected to see. More missing limbs than she’d ever thought possible, more broken sailors, more men crying for all they’d lost; they had been the worst days of her life. She took in a big gulp of air. But even after all that, she had a nagging feeling that today was going to be the worst of them all.
She looked around, knowing the other women and men with her were talking, but unable to hear. She didn’t want to hear anything; she just wanted to find Charlie, to see him with her own eyes, to hold his hands and hear him whisper to her that everything was going to be all right.
Eva kept walking, used to finding her way to his barracks, but nothing looked the same now. The smoke that she’d seen from the sea had disappeared, no longer smoldering and burning, but the island was decimated. Trees were fallen, their shallow roots sticking up like spooky Halloween creatures; buildings were blackened and broken; and the once-pristine grass that stretched beyond the beach was littered with debris. It was as if a giant had stomped through, breaking and crushing everything in its way, although this was no fairy-tale giant responsible for the carnage.
‘We’re at war now,’ she whispered to herself as she walked, trying to keep her eyes averted, not ready to see the devastation yet. She’d been through enough, and simply forcing herself to walk as anxiety gripped her was already too much.
After what felt like an eternity, and sticky from the humidity already, she found herself at what was left of Hickam Field. She’d been told the base had been obliterated, and it wasn’t an exaggeration. The planes were all in pieces, where before they’d been so immaculately lined up, and the barracks looked as though no one could have survived the hit.
‘Ma’am, your name?’
Eva looked up and into the eyes of a soldier, a clipboard in hand as he stared at her.
‘Ah, ah . . .’ She stumbled over her words. ‘Eva. Eva Branson. I’m the fiancée of Charles Alexander.’
He frowned and looked at the list in his hand. ‘And you’re wanting to find out his whereabouts? I don’t have his name on the list.’
Eva gasped. ‘The list?’ she asked. ‘Is that the list of the men who’ve . . .’ She couldn’t even bring herself to finish her question. Who’ve died. That’s what she’d wanted to ask. If he wasn’t on the list, did that mean he had survived?
The soldier shook his head. ‘I’m just in charge of who’s permitted access, ma’am. Have you tried making contact before today?’
‘Yes, of course. I’m a nurse on the USS Solace; I’ve been treating the wounded at sea for days, but I’ve heard no news of my fiancé.’
His smile was friendly. She should have told him from the very beginning that she was a nurse, or even worn her uniform ashore. ‘Give me a minute, and I’ll try to find out some information for you. He was based here?’
She smiled back. ‘Yes. He is. Was, I mean.’
While she waited, Eva looked up, wondering how such a perfect, cloudless blue sky could ever have played host to warplanes. We’re at war. The words had circled in her mind ever since she’d stepped out of the hospital ward. Exhausted, she’d tried to sleep, her eyes burning from being open too long, but all she’d been able to do was remember the noise, smell the blood, see the burns. Even now she could recall every smell and every vibration.
‘Ma’am, someone is coming out to see you,’ the soldier said.
Eva noticed that he never met her eye this time. Was she imagining it, or was he trying to avoid her gaze?
‘Thank you,’ she managed, choking on the words. She cleared her throat as a fresh wave of tears hit. Who was coming out to see her? Why couldn’t the soldier with the clipboard tell her himself?
And then she saw a pilot in uniform appear, running his fingers through his hair. His thick brown hair seemed familiar, as did the way
he kind of tugged it at the ends, his stubbled cheeks unusual for a man in uniform, although she guessed there had been much more for them to worry about than shaving these past few days.
‘Eva,’ he said, and the moment he spoke, she knew why he seemed so familiar.
‘Teddy?’ she asked.
He held out his hand and gently shook hers. His touch felt too soft, too delicate. Or maybe she was overreacting.
‘You’re Poppy’s fiancé, aren’t you?’ she said, and she could see how uncomfortable he was, shifting from side to side as he nodded.
Eva felt like the world had stopped moving as she watched Teddy look away, his face contorting for a moment before he shut his eyes for a beat. Had she said the wrong thing? Was Poppy not . . .
‘I, ah,’ he started, clearing his throat before starting over. ‘Poppy, well, she didn’t survive the bombings,’ Teddy said, his voice as rough as gravel. ‘She was outside . . . I, we . . .’ His breath shuddered, and tears filled her eyes as she thought about beautiful, fun-loving Poppy. ‘She was gunned down. There was nothing anyone could have done to save her.’
Eva reached for him, barely able to hold herself together, but Teddy stiffened.
‘I’m sorry. I . . .’
Teddy looked into her eyes then, a different kind of sadness passing across his face, a frown bracketing his mouth that had nothing to do with Poppy. This was something different, this was him looking at her differently, this was . . .
‘Eva, I want you to know that I understand how you’re going to feel, how this is going to rip you into pieces,’ Teddy said softly.
‘What?’ she asked, wondering what he was trying to tell her. ‘What will you understand?’
Fear danced across her skin, and she swallowed down a lump in her throat, waiting for Teddy to speak again, but at the same time wanting to run as far away from him as she could.
‘Eva, I’m so sorry to be the one to break this to you, but Charlie died in the line of duty the day of the bombings,’ Teddy said, his voice so deep and sad as he touched her arm, as if he was worried she’d fall over. ‘We didn’t know for certain until this morning that he was among the deceased, but we can now confirm that he is no longer with us.’
‘No,’ Eva said, violently shaking her head. ‘No. No, no, no, Charlie is alive. Do you hear me? Charlie is alive!’
Teddy held on to her, but she yanked sideways, throwing his hand off as she stared back at him as if it were all his fault. As if Teddy had been the one to do this to her.
‘I’ve been calling—I’ve been told that there was no news about him, that . . .’ She sobbed. ‘Let me see him! I need to see my Charlie!’
Teddy stepped closer and tried to comfort her, but she pushed at him, hands to his chest as she tried to force him away. When he reached for her again, she lashed out, thumping the heels of her hands into his chest, fighting him as if he were the enemy. As if he were responsible for everything that had happened.
‘No!’ she cried as she kept hitting him. ‘No! There must be some mistake!’
Teddy stood there and took it, not moving as she attacked him. It was only when she started to sob, when emotion cut through her and made her legs buckle as she cried, that Teddy moved, catching her in his arms and drawing her against his chest. He held her close, his big warm body cocooning her from the world as she sobbed into him.
‘Shhhh,’ he whispered, still holding her tight, as if he was scared she might collapse if he let her go.
They stayed like that for what felt like hours, until Eva finally peeled herself away from Teddy, keeping hold of his arm to steady herself. She took a deep, shuddering breath, carefully wiping her cheeks with the back of one hand as they stood together.
‘How did this happen to us?’ she whispered. ‘How did we go from having the time of our lives here to losing everything?’
Emotion lodged in her throat, but she did her best to breathe through it, wanting to talk to Teddy, suddenly needing to stay with him for as long as she could.
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘I keep reliving that day, I keep remembering what happened, but nothing we did or didn’t do . . .’ He shook his head. ‘Do you want me to take you to Tripler Hospital? Grace and April are both there, and I know they’ve been anxious to hear from you.’
Grace and April. Thank God they were okay. They must be struggling to cope after losing Poppy, and she bet they’d dealt with as many injured and dying men as she had. She sucked back a breath and clenched her fingers again.
‘Is there any chance I can see Charlie?’ she asked bravely. ‘Is there a morgue?’
Teddy grimaced. ‘If it’s what you want, I’ll find out for you. But it might take some time.’
‘I understand.’
‘Do you want me to take you to Tripler now?’
Just as Teddy finished speaking, the piercing sound of an air raid siren flooded the air around them.
‘Hell,’ Teddy swore, grabbing hold of her again and scanning the sky. ‘You need to go.’
Terror gripped Eva’s body as she looked upward, waiting for the planes, waiting for the menacing rain of bullets to start all over again.
‘Do you know how he died?’ she asked as Teddy pulled away from her.
‘He survived the first wave of bombings and made it to a plane to fight back,’ Teddy shouted as he ran backward. ‘He died a hero, Eva. An absolute goddamn hero. Now run!’
Eva held up her skirt and looked over her shoulder, not seeing anything as the siren continued to wail, and she ran as fast as her legs could carry her back to the boat. Their ship had been their safe haven throughout it all, the only vessel not to be hit, and she was terrified of not making it back.
But then another thought dawned on her. What if she didn’t make it back? What if she walked into the ocean or leaped from the harbor and gulped down water instead of air? What if she could end it all right now?
Her Charlie was gone, and that meant life wouldn’t be worth living for her. If she had to go home to her father, if she didn’t have Charlie to protect her . . . she stopped running and shut her eyes.
Without Charlie, what was the point?
‘Hurry up!’ someone yelled and grabbed hold of her arm, fingers digging into her skin. ‘Can’t you hear the siren?’
Eva forced herself to move then, not wanting to slow anyone else down by dragging her feet.
‘Eva, do you want to come closer?’
Eva looked up, numb as she stared back at Grace and April. They were standing with Teddy, holding candles, their cheeks stained with tears as they held hands. She forced herself to walk closer, but her feet wouldn’t budge.
‘Eva?’ It was April this time, walking forward, her hands outstretched as she closed the distance between them.
Grace stayed with Teddy, and Eva could see that she was crying again, her chest visibly heaving as she sobbed, but he hooked an arm around her, and she almost envied her friend being held through her pain. It had been barely a week since her world had crashed down around her, but to her the pain felt as raw and fresh as if it had only just happened.
‘Tell me if you want to be alone, but I want you to know that we’re here for you.’
She could see April’s mouth moving, but it was almost impossible to hear her. There was a sound in her head, a roaring noise like the kind you could hear when you put your ear to a shell, only this was louder. And it hadn’t stopped since she’d found out about Charlie.
The first night, when it had started, she’d thought it was from being so tired, that it would be gone by morning, but every day and night since it had been there, and it still hadn’t stopped. Although maybe she hadn’t slept since then? She could barely remember.
‘Eva?’
She let April take her hand, wondering how her friend was holding it together so well. But then she saw a tear slip from her eye, then another and another, until she was steadily shedding tears in her own silent way.
Teddy met her gaze and nodded at her, a
nd Grace grabbed her and held her so tight she couldn’t breathe. But Eva stood, lifeless, unable to respond.
Why couldn’t she cry? What was wrong with her? As soon as she’d gone back to the Solace, once her terror that another bombing was imminent after that awful air raid siren had passed, she’d gone cold. Her body was permanently numb, as if she were made of ice, and she’d wanted so desperately to collapse and sob her heart out, but nothing had happened.
Her tears were trapped inside of her, along with the scream she wanted to bellow out at the top of her lungs. Instead it just kept echoing in her head, along with the roaring sound, making her feel like a prisoner in her own body.
‘I miss you so much, Poppy,’ Grace whispered beside her. ‘You were my best friend, the one person in the world who always made me smile.’
Eva looked up as Teddy put an arm back around Grace, drawing her close, and she remembered how warm and safe she’d felt in Teddy’s arms herself when he’d broken the news to her about Charlie.
‘We thought we were having the adventure of a lifetime here, didn’t we, Pops?’ April said, blowing her candle out and walking toward the ocean to throw a pretty flower into the water. ‘I’ll never forget you, my beautiful friend.’
Teddy cleared his throat and stepped forward, shoving his hands into his trouser pockets. ‘She would have loved this,’ he said.
Grace made a snorting noise. ‘She would have hated this! The flowers and candles she would have approved of, but not all the tears and small talk. She would want us to be drinking and raising our glasses to her, or playing music and dancing.’
April laughed, which made Grace and Teddy laugh too. It was so inappropriate it was funny, but Eva couldn’t manage to crack a smile as she watched them.
‘You’re right. She would have told us to smile and have some fun, wouldn’t she?’
Eva stared out at the white flower April had thrown. It was bobbing away on the water now, slowly making its way farther out into the ocean. The same ocean that only days earlier had been alive with the horrors of war, with men bobbing around and fighting to stay alive instead of a pretty flower with petals the color of clouds.
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