“Do you feel better now?” he asks, reaching to cup my chin, brushing a thumb against my lower lip.
“If you keep asking me that I may start thinking you’re fishing for compliments. Wouldn’t want to risk your ego swelling, now would we?” I lightly chuckle. He laughs, shaking his head.
“Damn, are you usually this cheeky, or is it only after you’ve had an orgasm?”
I attempt to snap at his thumb but he’s too quick for me when he pulls it away with another chuckle. “Ha, I’ll take that as a yes.” As he’s looking at me, he reaches up to rub the back of his neck, with a flash of worry appearing in his eyes. “Does this, uh, does this mean you’ll share my bed with me now?”
Why does that seem like such a loaded question? Do I say yes? Do I say no? Part of me wants to scream yes. But the other part, the one which has never managed to get over my first love screams caution at me.
“I, uh. I mean.” I can’t stop the stutters even if I wanted to. Each word that passes my lips makes Killian’s face fall more. I hate seeing it, yet I know deep down I can’t rush into any decision, not without thinking of how it will affect Killian. “I want to. It’s just. Well. It’s…”
“Love, don’t worry about it. I know this was a huge step for you. I guess I want you to know I’ll support you with whatever you choose. I mean I hope you choose yes and you’ll be in my bed tonight. But I will never force you to do something you’re not comfortable with. I hope you understand that.” He smiles, although I can see a small trace of sadness lurking in his eyes.
Launching myself off the counter I throw my arms around his neck causing him to let out an ‘oomph’ from the force, which soon changes to a hearty laugh. I burrow my head into his neck, smiling against his skin and whisper, “thank you Killi, you don’t know how happy it makes me feel that you understand.” He wraps his arms around me holding on tightly, burying his head into my neck, I feel him smile against it. “I’ll always try my best, I hope you understand that. Anything you need, just let me know, okay?”
Pulling back a little, I place a gentle kiss to his lips, feeling him smile against them. This feels so good. To feel like I’m right where I need to be, where I want to be.
It feels too perfect.
How long will it be before something bad happens to him again? No matter how hard I try to push back the negative thoughts, they begin attacking my mind in full force, making me think of worse case scenarios. A sudden overwhelming sensation of nausea hits, forcing me to attempt to step back, but Killian’s arms are still wrapped around my waist. He moves his hands to my shoulders, holding me steady as I tremble under his touch.
Everything was so perfect. He is so perfect. Yet when I squeeze my eyes shut all I can see is Killian’s death playing out repeatedly in my mind. No matter how hard I try to push the images away, I just keep reliving that moment. I clutch onto him as I try to steady my gradually increasing breathing. It feels as though my heart is trapped in a vice, squeezing it until all I feel is numb. Through the bleakness I hear Killian calling my name, giving me a shake. Opening my eyes, I can see his concerned face through the haze.
“Alina. Alina. It’s alright. I’m here. Try to breathe. Please Love, just breathe.” I can make out his furrowed brow and the worry clouding his eyes, which were filled with happiness only moments ago.
I can just about make out in my hazed mind when he guides me over to one of the kitchen chairs and helps me to sit down. Placing his hand on my back Killian gently nudges me until I’m bent over. He keeps his hand there and rubs large soothing circles as I try to calm myself down.
“It’s okay. I’m sorry if I pushed you too far. Shit, I shouldn’t have done what I did. I’m so fucking sorry, Alina. Please Love, try to breathe.” I can feel the trembling in his hand on my back. I inhale and exhale several times over and the oxygen finally starts getting to my brain again beginning to uncloud it. I place my head in my hands, rubbing my temples a few times.
I glance to Killian, whose face is pained, and concern fills his watery eyes. Trying to find my voice I manage a quiet rasp, “Killian I’m okay. You did nothing wrong. I…I don’t know what to say. My brain wouldn’t shut up for a minute and I was being plagued by flashbacks.” Beginning to feel slightly more relaxed, I rub my temples for a moment. “Sometimes I can’t stop the things which enter my mind. I’m sorry if I scared you Killi.”
“Hush. Don’t worry about it, Love. I was worried when you began turning white, I honestly thought you were going to pass out. I thought I better let you sit before you fell down.” He offers me a shy, concerned smile. I try my best to return it, yet I’m pretty sure it comes back as a grimace.
“If it’s alright with you Killi, I wouldn’t mind laying down for a bit.” I ask sitting upright. Killian gives me a tender smile and nod before helping me to stand.
Damn panic attacks always decide to hit me when I least want them to. I need to lean against Killian as he props me up. What felt like an eternity in reality was only a few moments. I seem to have drained myself of all my energy. My heart is still thumping like crazy and my head feels as if I’m submerged underwater.
I manage to move my legs in time with Killian’s as we try to maneuver along the corridor toward my bedroom. I’m conscious enough to realize he hasn’t shown me to his bed. Once again, he’s probably waiting for my permission. I can never get over how thoughtful and kind this man is. My heart decides to give a painful squeeze once more, reminding me of the nasty thoughts and doubts trying to attack my mind.
Killian pushes my door open and guides me over to my bed. He gently lowers me down and stands watching me. “Is that better? Can I get you anything?”
“I’m good now, Killi. I’m so sorry I worried you. I sometimes get panic attacks. And it was nothing about what you did or said. I…I guess I got a little overwhelmed and my brain decided the best course of action would be to starve itself of oxygen and steal all my energy.” I attempt to shrug but I don’t even seem to have the energy for that.
“I think it’s probably for the best if I tuck you in and let you rest for a bit. Maybe have a nap.” Even behind his handsome smile I can tell he’s still worried about me, I lean forward enough to hold his hands in mine.
“I’m alright. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine as soon as I’ve had some sleep.” I move to brush kisses along his knuckles. He watches me in a mixture of awe and heat.
Trying to block out my doubts and nerves, I decide to try to pull him down into bed with me, but he doesn’t budge.
“Now, as bloody amazing as an invitation to climb into bed with you is, I’m afraid I’m going to decline just this once. You need rest, plain and simple. I’ve had panic attacks before and I know how they wipe you out for a while.”
I attempt to say something but don’t get a chance to, “Shh, I will not take no for an answer. I want you to climb into this bed, where I’m going to tuck you in, and you will try to get some sleep.” As he’s saying this, he drags back the covers and nudges me back from where I’m sitting to lie down. I carefully swing my legs up with Killian’s help. Then he does exactly what he said he would do. My head has barely hit the pillow before Killian is pulling the covers up to my chin and tucking in the sides.
“Killi, as much as I enjoy your gentle and sweet side, I don’t understand why you need to wrap me up like a burrito. Unless you’re intending to cook me up and eat me later?” I try to smile and make it sound light hearted. That is until Killian shoots me a devilish smirk. Leaning down he drops his voice into a husky whisper, “I’m not sure about the cooking part, but I do fully intend to eat you again later.” He winks then jolts forward to place a searing kiss against my lips which short circuits my brain for a moment.
He pushes himself away, smiling at me as I smile lopsidedly back at him.
“I feel much happier now I know you’re safe in bed and have less chance of passing out and bashing your head. Now, please try to get some rest. If you need me or you sense another pani
c attack coming on shout for me and I’ll be here as soon as I can, okay?”
“Of course. And Killian. Thank you for…well, for everything.” His handsome face lights up in a warm grin. He moves forward again to place a heart-warming kiss on my forehead, then straightens and walks out the door with a mock salute and smile.
My brain once again tries to go over all the worst possible outcomes of being with Killian, and no matter how hard I try pushing them out they won’t budge. It’s like the evil roots of my doubts are carving into my head and heart and grasping them tightly. I roll over onto my side wrapping the covers around me as if they could cocoon me from my own mind.
Finally, happier thoughts begin to penetrate the fog. The way Killian kissed me. The way he held me. I replay our time in the kitchen with an overwhelming sense of happiness. Yet, I can feel the doubts pecking at the happiness. They keep asking me ‘why do you deserve to be happy?’
I can’t listen to them. I won’t listen to them.
12
Galen
Fuck my life!
Honestly, what did I do to deserve this? All I can hear through my head is Alina and Killian going at it like a pair of jack rabbits. Seriously, what did I do to deserve this? It’s not enough that I can’t do anything physically, because, oh yes, that’s right, I’m a fucking horse! Now I have to listen to the two people I want having each other. Just. Ah, fuck. So. Not. Fucking. Fair!
Pacing back and forth, I try to calm myself down. If it hadn’t had been for the spell Neris put on me, I would be hard as fucking stone. I still feel the lust and jealousy, wishing I could be a fucking man again and join in with what they’re sharing. Neris knows about my previous man whoring ways, and I guess she thought the last thing she needed running around loose was a horny horse.
But this. Hearing their thoughts, it’s fucking torture. At first the idea of being mentally connected with the two people I care about seemed like a good idea, but now. Now it feels like my head wants to explode, my skin feels incredibly tight and all I want to do is rip it off and shift into a man once more. I hate this. I fucking hate it.
I close my eyes to try to regain my sanity, but then I hear Alina’s thoughts as she orgasms, followed shortly by Killian. Shit! Those two need to learn how to shield their mind, because if this is going to happen every time, I might just go find Vemnos myself and ask him to kill me.
I can feel an overwhelming sense of love, but I can’t make out who those thoughts are being projected from because they are mixed together causing my head to hurt. I can sense them calming down, and I begin to as well. Then I start hearing Alina’s doubts and worries beginning to cloud her mind. The immense pressure emanating from her freezes me. I feel her pain, her hurt, her anger at not being able to control her own life. She’s having a panic attack and I desperately want to run to her side, but my legs refuse to move. What can I do?
Killian’s jumbled thoughts sound above Alina’s, his fear and concern drowning her out. I can sense his attempts at soothing, which seem to be working, as Alina’s mind begins quieting down again. Thank the gods Killian is there to do what I cannot. It still fucking hurts I can’t be in there to hold and comfort her, although I take solace in Killian being with her.
I’m proud of Alina for allowing Killian the chance to show how much he cares and Killian for taking the steps to prove it. I’m hoping one day soon I can be myself again, then I can show both of them how I feel. But would they care? They have each other, what do they need me for? My own self doubts and worries begin to fog my mind. I’m so lucky I can shield my thoughts and emotions from others. I hate to think what Alina and Killian would make of a horse having feelings for them. Feelings, fucking horrible little shits. Why have we got to be controlled by our emotions? I wish there was a way to sever them from my actions, unfortunately there is no way that I can think of.
A few steadying breaths have me feeling more like myself. I’m so lost in my own thoughts that at first, I don’t hear Killian walking in. When I turn my head, I see him standing in the doorway with a crumpled t-shirt, messy hair, and a handsome flush. As if I need another reminder of what I missed out on.
Killian clears his throat, glancing down at the ground, then looking at me from under his lashes. Damn this guy is gorgeous. But why does he look so guilty?
“I…um…I wondered if I could stay with you for a bit? I think Alina needs some time alone.” Ah, that’s probably why he’s looking so sheepish, he doesn’t know what to do with himself.
“Did you have fun?” I know it’s a stupid question. Obviously, he had fun. The question was worth it though when I see his entire face flush bright red. He starts scratching the back of his neck, fiddling with the edge of his collar as his eyes dart everywhere but me.
“Uh. You heard?” He nibbles at his lip as if he’s waiting for me to shout at him. When really the only place my mind goes to is where I pull his abused lip from between his teeth to kiss and lick it better. Fuck. Down boy. Fucking control yourself.
“No, I didn’t hear you per se. Although your minds were quite active. Maybe you should practice concealing your thoughts and emotions for next time.” I chuckle. I have to, if I don’t, I would probably shout in frustration.
“Ah, mate. I’m so sorry. I wasn’t thinking. Everything just sort of escalated quickly, and I didn’t even think to close my mind.” He takes a slow step forward, probably waiting for me to tear him a new one. Now there’s a thought.
“Seriously, Sweetcheeks it’s alright. Is Alina okay? I could sense her panicking. I was going to come up to the house but I could sense you were managing it.”
I watch as he lets out a deep sigh, taking his hand from the back of his neck to swipe it down his face. “Truthfully? I don’t know. I mean she was okay before and during…Uh, well you know.” There’s the adorable blush again.
“Oh, you mean during your screwing in the kitchen? I hope you cleaned the sides down after, people have to eat off of that you know. Although it seems like you’ve already eaten.” I can’t help but revert back into my teasing self, especially considering I need to block my mind from him. I can clearly remember what, or more precisely who he was eating as all his head was filled with was how fucking delicious she was. I squeeze my eyes shut and take a deep inhale and shakily exhale.
“Mate, do you have to call it that? Or be so crude for that matter?” He genuinely looks disgusted by my crudeness. Who would have thought the man who’s happy to make a woman scream his name on the kitchen counter would be such a prude?
“Well, what would you call it? Making love?” What was meant to be another tease backfires when I see the expression Killian has. A look similar to realization shines in his eyes and a small secret smile forms on his lips. Damn. The boy is smitten. Although I can’t actually say anything about it. After all, he’s not the only one.
“I’m not sure what to call it, to be honest. All I know is I have never felt this way about anyone. I’m so confused it feels as if my head may explode.”
I lie down on the hay and Killian moves closer. “If you feel so strongly about her why are you out here with me instead of in bed with her?”
He crouches down to his knees in front of me so we’re at eye level. “After the way she freaked out, I thought it would be best to give her some space. And seeing as you’re my only other friend, I decided I would come and spend some time with you. If you want me to go I can.” He attempts to stand but I push my nose forward knocking him off balance until he lands on his butt staring at me with wide eyes. He’s splayed out on the floor looking at me from between his legs, arms brace him up from behind. Fuck it, there goes my dirty mind again. What I wouldn’t give to have him in this position with me as myself, obviously both naked…Shit! I’m doing it again.
“What was that for?” He stutters, oblivious to where my filthy mind has gone.
“You were getting ready to leave, so I stopped you. It’s not like I have a hand to put out to do it, so I used what I had.” I
shrug as Killian moves back onto his knees to look at me. He tilts his head to one side, staring intensely as if he’s trying to work out my thoughts. Ha, boy you really don’t want to know what I’m thinking Sweetcheeks.
“How can you easily block your thoughts from me, yet I can’t seem to do the same to you?” He squints his eyes in concentration, pursing his lips.
“I have had centuries of practice. It’s hard to explain, the only way I can describe it is, imagine there is this box or safe inside your head. This is where you keep your thoughts and emotions you don’t wish to share with others. Although I do think it’s more difficult to do that when you are being intimate, as your thoughts and emotions become naturally unorganized.” He nods along with what I presume is understanding. “Why do you ask? If you’re worried about concealing your fun times from me, I wouldn’t worry too much about it.” What a load of bullshit! I don’t know how I will cope when they’re next at it. Maybe try to find a gun and shoot myself. Not that it would work. How the fuck would I even hold a gun, let alone pull the trigger?
“Oh, okay. But I thought you said…You know what never mind. I’m sorry my head is all over the place right now. What with my nightmare and everything that’s happened, I’m just. I don’t know. I guess confused. I know I want Alina to stay with me here on the farm, I have known that for a while. I’m just worried because even though Alina and I…you know, my stupid head keeps thinking what if she doesn’t want to stay? What if to her it was just sex and nothing more?”
“What am I the damn agony aunt? Look, Sweetcheeks I think you need to grow a pair. Alina would not let you get as close as you did if some part of her didn’t want it too. Do you want to know what my advice is? Talk to her. I understand you wish to give her space after witnessing her like that, but you need to speak to her, sooner rather than later. You’re not going to know how she’s feeling unless you ask her.” What is it about this fucking man that both intrigues and irritates the ever-loving fuck out of me?
Whispers of Tomorrow (The Alina Chronicles Book 2) Page 10