by F. Anstey
CHAPTER II
HOW MR BHOSH DELIVERED A DAMSEL FROM A DEMENTED COW
O Cow! in hours of mental ease Thou chewest cuds beneath the trees; But ah! when madness racks thy brow, An awkward customer art thou!
_Nature Poem furnished (to order) by young English Friend._
Mr Bhosh's diligence at his books was rewarded by getting through hisLittle-go with such _eclat_ that he was admitted to become abaccalaureate, and further presented with the greatest distinction theVice-Chancellor could bestow upon him, viz., the title of a WoodenSpoon!
But here I must not omit to narrate a somewhat startling catastrophe inwhich Mr Bhosh figured as the god out of machinery. It was on anafternoon before he went up to pass his Little-go exam, and, since allwork and no play is apt to render any Jack a dull, he was recreatinghimself by a solitary promenade in some fields in the vicinity ofCambridge, when suddenly his startled ears were dumbfounded to perceivethe blood-curdling sound of loud female vociferations!
On looking up from his reverie, he was horrified by the spectacle of ayoung and beauteous maiden being vehemently pursued by an irate cow,whose reasoning faculties were too obviously, in the words of Ophelia,"like sweet bells bangled," or, in other words, _non compos mentis_, andhaving rats in her upper story!
The young lady, possessing the start and also the advantage of superiorjuvenility, had the precedence of the cow by several yards, and attainedthe umbrageous shelter of a tree stem, behind which she tremulouslyawaited the arrival of her blood-thirsty antagonist.
As he noted her jewel-like eyes, profuse hair, and panting bosom, MrBhosh's triangle of flesh[1] was instantaneously ignited by love atfirst sight (the intelligent reader will please understand that theforegoing refers to the maiden and not at all to the cow, which was ofno excessive pulchritude--but I am not to be responsible for theambiguities of the English language).
[1] _Videlicet_: his heart.
There was not a moment to be squandered; Mr Bhosh had just time torecommend her earnestly to remain _in statu quo_, before setting off torun _ventre a terre_ in the direction whence he had come. The distractedanimal, abandoning the female in distress, immediately commenced tohue-and-cry after our hero, who was compelled to cast behind him hiscollegiate cap, like tub to a whale.
The savage cow ruthlessly impaled the cap on one of its horns, and thenresumed the chase.
Mr Bhosh scampered for his full value, but, with all his incredibleactivity, he had the misery of feeling his alternate heels scorched bythe fiery snorts of the maniacal quadruped.
Then he stripped from his shoulders his student's robe, relinquishing itto the tender mercies of his ruthless persecutress while he nimblysurmounted a gate. The cow only delayed sufficiently to rend the garmentinto innumerable fragments, after which it cleared the gate with asingle hop, and renewed the chase after Mr Bhosh's stern, till he wasforced to discard his ivory-headed umbrella to the animal's destroyingfury.
This enabled him to gain the walls of the town and reach the bazaar,where the whole population was in consternation at witnessing such ashuddering race for life, and made themselves conspicuous by theirabsence in back streets.
Mr Bhosh, however, ran on undauntedly, until, perceiving that thedelirious creature was irrevocably bent on running him to earth, he tookthe flying leap into the shop of a cheese merchant, where he cleverlyentrenched himself behind the receipt of custom.
With the headlong impetuosity of a distraught the cow followed, andcharged the barrier with such insensate fury that her horns andappertaining head were inextricably imbedded in a large tub of margarinebutter.
At this our hero, judging that the wings of his formidable foe were atlast clipped, sallied boldly forth, and, summoning a police-officer,gave the animal into custody as a disturber of the peace.
By such coolness and _savoir faire_ in a distressing emergency heacquired great _kudos_ in the eyes of all his fellow-students, whoregarded him as the conquering hero.
Alas and alack! when he repaired to the field to receive the thanks andpraises of the maiden he had so fortunately delivered, he had themortification to discover that she had vanished, and left not a wreckbehind her! Nor with all his endeavours could he so much as learnher name, condition, or whereabouts, but the remembrance of her manifoldcharms rendered him moonstruck with the tender passion, andnotwithstanding his success in flooring the most difficult exams, hisbosom's lord sat tightly on its throne, and was not to jump until heshould again (if ever) confront his mysterious fascinator.
GAVE THE ANIMAL INTO CUSTODY AS A DISTURBER OF THE PEACE (Illustration II)]
Having emerged from the shell of his _statu pupillari_ under thefostering warmth of his Alma Mater, Mr Bhosh next proceeded as afull-fledged B.A. to the Metropolis, and became a candidate for forensichonours at one of the legal temples, lodging under the elegant roof of amatron who regarded him as her beloved son for Rs. 21 per week, andattending lectures with such assiduity that he soon acquired a noddingacquaintance with every branch of jurisprudence.
And when he went up for Bar Exam., he displayed his phenomenalproficiency to such an extent that the Lord Chancellor begged him toaccept one of the best seats on the Judges' bench, an honour which, tothe best of this deponent's knowledge and belief, has seldom before beenoffered to a raw tyro, and never, certainly, to a young Indian student.However, with rare modesty Mr Bhosh declined the offer, not consideringhimself sufficiently ripe as yet to lay down laws, and also desirous ofgathering roses while he might, and mixing himself in first-classEnglish societies.
I am painfully aware that such incidents as the above will seem verymediocre and humdrum to most readers, but I shall request them toremember that no hero can achieve anything very striking while he isstill a hobbardehoy, and that I cannot--like some popularnovelists--insult their intelligences by concocting cock-and-bulloccurrences which the smallest exercise of ordinary commonsense mustshow to be totally incredible.
By and bye, when I come to deal with Mr Bhosh's experiences in the uppertenth of London society, with which I may claim to have rather aprofound familiarity, I will boldly undertake that there shall be nolack of excitement.
Therefore, have a little patience, indulgent Misters!