by F. Anstey
CHAPTER IV
A KICK FROM A FRIENDLY FOOT
She is a radiant damsel with features fair and fine; But since betrothed to Bosom's friend she never can be mine!
_Original Poem by H. B. J. (unpublished)._
Mr Bhosh's bosom-friend, the Lord Jack Jolly, had kindly undertaken toofficiate as his Palinurus and steer him safely from the Scylla to theCharybdis of the London Season, and one day Lord Jolly arrived at ourhero's apartments as the bearer of an invite from his honble parent theBaronet, to partake of tiffin at their ancestral abode in ChepstowVillas, which Bindabun gratefully accepted.
Arrived at the Jollies' sumptuous interior, a numerous retinue ofpampered menials and gilded flunkies divested Mr Bhosh of his hat andumbrella and ushered him into the hall of audience.
"Bhosh, my dear old pal," said Lord Jack, "I have news for you. I amengaged as a Benedict, and am shortly to celebrate matrimony with ayoung goodlooking female--the Princess Petunia Jones."
"My lord," replied Mr Bhosh, "suffer me to hang around your patricianneck the floral garland of my humble congratulations."
"My dear Bhosh," responded the youthful peer of the realm, "I regard youas more than a brother, and am confident that when my betrothed beholdsyour countenance, she will conceive for you a similar lively affection.But hush! here she comes to answer for herself.... Princess, permit meto present to you the best and finest friend I possess, Mr BindabunBhosh."
Mr Bhosh modestly lowered his optics as he salaamed with inimitablegrace, and it was not until he had resumed his perpendicular that herecognised in the Princess Jones the charming unknown whom he had lastbeheld engaged in repelling the assault of a distracted cow!
Their eyes were no sooner crossed than he knew that she regarded him asher deliverer, and was consumed by the most ardent affection for him.But Mr Bhosh repressed himself with heroic magnanimity, for he reflectedthat she was the affianced of his dearest friend and that it wascontrary to _bon ton_ to poach another's jam.
So he merely said; "How do you do? It is a very fine day. I am delightedto make your acquaintance," and turning on his heels with a profoundcurtsey, he left her flabbergasted with mortification.
But those only who have compressed their souls in the shoe ofself-sacrifice know how devilishly it pinches, and Mr Bhosh's grief wasso acute that he rolled incessantly on his couch while the radiant imageof his divinity danced tantalisingly before his bloodshot vision.
Eventually he became calmer, and after plunging his fervid body into afoot-bath, he showed himself once more in society, assuming an air ofmeretricious waggishness to conceal the worm that was busily cankeringhis internals, and so successful was he that Lord Jack was entirelydeceived by his _vis comica_, and invited him to spend the Autumn up thecountry with his respectable parents.
Mr Bhosh accepted--but when he knew that Princess Petunia was also to beone of the _amis de la maison_, he was greatly concerned at the prospectof infallibly reviving her love by his propinquity, and therebyinflicting the cup of calamity on his best friend. Willingly would hehave imparted the whole truth to his Lordship and counselled him topostpone the Princess's visit until he, himself, should havedeparted--but, ah me! with all his virtue he was not a Roman Palladiumthat he should resist the delight of philandery with the radiant queenof his soul. So he kept his tongue in his cheek.
However, when they met in the ancient and rural castle he constrainedhimself, in conversing with her, to enlarge enthusiastically upon theexcellences of Lord Jack. "What a good, ripping, gentlemanly fellow hewas, and how certain to make a best quality husband!" Princess Joneslistened to these encomiums with tender sighing, while her soft largeorbs rested on Mr Bhosh with ever-increasing admiration.
No one noticed how, after these elephantine efforts at self-denial, hewould silently slip away and weep salt and bitter tears as he weltereddolefully on a doormat; nor was it perceived that the Princess herselfwas become thin as a weasel with disappointed love.
Being the ardent sportsman, Mr Bhosh sought to drown his sorrow withpleasures of the chase.
He would sally forth alone, with no other armament than a breechloadingrifle, and endeavour to slay the wild rabbits which infested theBaronet's domains, and sometimes he had the good fortune to slaughterone or two. Or he would take a Rod and hooks and a few worms, andangle for salmons; or else he would stalk partridges, and once he evenassisted in a foxhunt, when he easily outstripped all the dogs andsingly confronted Master Reynard, who had turned to bay savagely at hisnose. But Bindabun undauntedly descended from his horse, and, drawinghis hunting dagger, so dismayed the beast by his determined andferocious aspect that it turned its tail and fled into some other partof the country, which earned him the heartfelt thanks from his fellowNimrods.
DISMAYED THE BEAST BY HIS DETERMINED AND FEROCIOUS ASPECT (Illustration III)]
Naturally, such feats of arms as these only served to inflame the ardourof the Princess, to whom it was a constant wonderment that Mr Bhosh didnever, even in the most roundabout style, allude to the fact that he hadsaved her life from perishing miserably on the pointed horn of anenraged cow.
She could not understand that the Native temperament is too sheepishlymodest to flaunt its deeds of heroism.
Those who are _au fait_ in knowledge of the world are aware that whenthere are combustibles concealed in any domestic interior, there isalways a person sooner or later who will contrive to blow them off; andhere, too, the Serpent of Mischief was waiting to step in with clovenhoof and play the very deuce.
It so happened that the Duchess occupied the adjacent bungalow to thatof Baronet Jolly and his lady, with whom she was hail-fellow-well-met,and this perfidious female set herself to ensnare the confidence of theyoung and innocent Princess by discreetly lauding the praises of MrBhosh.
"What an admirable Indian Crichton! How many rabbits and salmons had helaid low that week? Truly, she regarded him as a favourite son, andmarvelled that any youthful feminine could prefer an ordinary peer likeLord Jolly to a Native paragon who was not only a university B.A., buthad successfully passed Bar Exam!" and so forth and so on.
The princess readily fell into this insidious booby-trap, and confessedthe violence of her attachment, and how she had striven to acquaint MrBhosh with her sentiments but was rendered inarticulate by maidenlybashfulness.
"Can you not then slip a love-letter into his hand?" inquired theDuchess.
"_Cui bono?_" responded the Princess, sadly. "Seeing that he neverapproaches near enough to me to receive such a missive, and I dare notentrust it to one of my maidens!"
"Why not to Me?" said the Duchess. "He will not refuse it coming frommyself; moreover, I have influence over him and will soften his hearttowards thee."
Accordingly the Princess indicted a rather impassioned love-letter, inwhich she assured Mr Bhosh that she had divined his secret passion andfully reciprocated it, also that she was the total indifferent to LordJack, with much other similar matters.
Having obtained possession of this _litera scripta_, what does theunscrupulous Duchess next but deliver it _impromptu_ into the hands ofLord Jack, who, after perusing it, was overcome by uncontrollable wrathand instantaneously summoned our hero to his presence.
Here was the pretty kettle of fish--but I must reserve the sequel forthe next chapter.