by F. Anstey
CHAPTER VI
LORD JOLLY IS SATISFIED
Ah, why should two, who once were bosom's friends, Present at one another pistol ends? Till one pops off to dwell in Death's Abode-- All on account of Honour's so-called code!
_Thoughts on Duelling, by H. B. J._
Many a more hackneyed duellist than our unfortunate friend Bhosh mightwell have been frightened from his propriety at the prospect of fightingwith genuine bullets across so undersized a nosekerchief as that whichthe Duchess had furnished for the fray.
But Mr Bhosh preserved his head in perfect coolness: "It is indisputablytrue," he said, "that I proposed to shoot across a pocketkerchief--but Iam not an effeminate female that I should employ such a lacelike andflimsy concern as this! As a challenged, I claim my constitutionalright under Magna Charta to provide my own nosewipe."
And, as even my Lord Jack admitted that this was legally correct, MrBhosh produced a very large handsome nosekerchief in parti-colouredsilks.
This he tore into narrow strips, the ends of which he tied together insuch a manner that the whole was elongated to an incredible length.Then, tossing one extremity to his lordship, and retaining the other inhis own hand, he said: "We will fight, if you please, across this--ornot at all!"
Which caused a working majority of the company, and even Lord Jack Jollyhimself, to burst into enthusiastic plaudits of the ingenuity anddexterity with which Mr Bhosh had contrived to extricate himself fromthe prongs of his Caudine fork.
The Duchess, however, was knitting her brows into the baleful pattern ofa scowl--for she knew as well as Chunder Bindabun himself that no humanpistol was capable to achieve such a distance! The duel commenced.His lordship and Mr Bhosh each removed their upper clothings, baredtheir arms, and, taking up a weapon, awaited the momentous command tofire.
THE BULLET HAD PERFORATED A LARGE CIRCULAR ORIFICE IN HONBLE BODGER'S HAT (Illustration IV)]
It was pronounced, and Lord Jolly's pistol was the first to ring theambient welkin with its horrid bang. The deadly missile, whistling as itwent for want of thought, entered the door of a neighbouring pigeon'shouse and fluttered the dovecot confoundedly.
Mr Bhosh reserved his fire for the duration of two or three harrowingseconds. Then he, too, pulled off his trigger, and after the explosionthere was a loud cry of dismay.
The bullet had perforated a large circular orifice in Honble Bodger'shat, who, by this time, had returned to self-consciousness!
"I could not bring myself to snuff the candle of your honble lordship'sexistence," said Mr Bhosh, bowing, "but I wished to convince all presentthat I am not incompetent to hit a mark."
And he proceeded to assure Mr Bodger that he was to receive fullcompensation for any moral and intellectual damage done to his said hat.
As for his lordship, he was so overcome by Mr Bhosh's unprecedentedmagnanimity that he shed copious tears, and, warmly embracing his formerfriend, entreated his forgiveness, vowing that in future their affectionshould never again be endangered by so paltry and trivial a cause as theficklety of a feminine. Moreover, he bestowed upon Bindabun the blushinghand of Princess Jones, and very heartily wished him joy of her.
Now the Princess was the solitary brat of a very wealthy merchantprince, Honble Sir Monarch Jones, whose proud and palatial storehouseswere situated in the most fashionable part of Camden Town.
Sir Jones, in spite of Lord Jack's resignation, did not at first regardMr Bhosh with the paternal eye of approval, but rather advanced theobjection that the colour of his money was practically invisible. "Mydaughter," he said haughtily, "is to have a lakh of rupees on hernuptials. Have _you_ a lakh of rupees?"
Bindabun was tempted to make the rather facetious reply that he had,indeed, a lack of rupees at the present moment.
Sir Monarch, however, like too many English gentlemen, was totallyincapable of comprehending the simplest Indian _jeu des mots_, andmerely replied. "Unless you can _show_ me your lakh of rupees, youcannot become my beloved son-in-law."
So, as Mr Bhosh was a confirmed impecunious, he departed in severedespondency. However, fortune favoured him, as always, for he made theacquaintance of a certain Jewish-Scotch, whose cognomen was AlexanderWallace McAlpine, and who kindly undertook to lend him a lakh of rupeesfor two days at interest which was the mere bite of a flea.
Having thus acquired the root of all evil, Bindabun took it in afour-wheeled cab and triumphantly exhibited his hard cash to Sir Jones,who, being unaware that it was borrowed plumage, readily consented thathe should marry his daughter. After which Mr Bhosh honourably restoredthe lakh to the accommodating Scotch minus the interest, which he foundit inconvenient to pay just then.
I am under great apprehensions that my gentle readers, on reading thusfar and no further, will remark: "Oho! then we are already at the_finis_, seeing that when a hero and heroine are once booked forconnubial bliss, their further proceedings are of very mediocreinterest!"
Let me venture upon the respectful caution that every cup possesses aproverbially slippery lip, and that they are by no means to take it asgranted that Mr Bhosh is so soon married and done for.
Remember that he still possesses a rather formidable enemy in DuchessDickinson, who is irrevocably determined to insert a spike in his wheelof fortune. For a woman is so constituted that she can never forgive anindividual who has once treated her advances with contempt, no matterhow good-humoured such contempt may have been. No, misters, if youoffend a feminine you must look out for her squalls.
Readers are humbly requested not to toss this fine story aside under theimpression that they have exhausted the cream in its cocoanut. There aremany many incidents to come of highly startling and sensationalcharacter.