Ethan nodded. "I like it. It's real fine. You have a fine touch in the kitchen."
"I don't know about that. Sometimes Josh..." Cassie's words trailed off.
"It's okay Cassie. I don't mind," Ethan said, laying down his knife and fork. "You can talk about Joshua any time you like. I am happy to listen."
"I don't know Ethan. I think it's kinda unfair. You don't want to listen to my troubles."
Ethan shook his head. "On the contrary Cassie. That is exactly what I am here for. To take all your troubles away. I want to make life easier for you. I want to make you happy. What else would I have to do, if I couldn't make you happy?"
Cassie didn't know what to say to that. His voice was so soft and deep. It had a note of complete sincerity to it that, for a moment, took Cassie by surprise.
Cassie nodded. She didn't want to change the mood of their first night together with talk of Joshua. Ethan seemed to sense that.
"Maybe we can talk about those things another time."
Cassie nodded wordlessly. "I appreciate that."
Ethan changed the subject. "This is a mighty fine little dwelling."
"Yes. It's sturdily constructed. It has stood up to some pretty harsh storms."
"I bet it has. Still there is always room for improvement. When I worked as a farmhand I got involved in some property improvements. Mostly as part of the job. Dirty, hard work. But it is amazing what you can do to make a house even more homely, when you put your mind to it."
"We did our best with what we had at the time. I think it's pretty good," Cassie said.
"If there are to be kids then there will need to be some extra room," Ethan said almost casually. Cassie felt a little awkward at such a straightforward mention of children. But she knew it was inevitable that the subject would come up sooner or later.
Cassie felt the need to change the subject. "Did you ever come to harm when you were working for the sheriff," she asked.
Ethan's brow furrowed. "Sure. There were times when I feared for my survival. Needed the gun to keep myself alive. I learned to take care of myself and those I felt close to. That was a valuable lesson. We lost some good men too. Bonded real strong with some of those other men. When you give your word to someone you're out on the range with, it means something. Taught me to appreciate the good, and to refuse to let bad people prevail." Ethan's voice had hardened with conviction.
"What do you mean?" Cassie asked.
"When I was was a deputy I saw that bad people can be very strong. There is a strength in badness that can ruin the lives of others. I grew to hate that."
Ethan's expression darkened. Cassie wondered what memories had prompted that change.
Ethan continued. "Reminded me of some of the dark times my mom and pop had to endure in making a life for us. Made me determined to do something about it. That's part of what made me hit the road when I reached my majority. I wanted to learn how to survive. Stand on my own two feet."
Cassie could relate to that. But for Ethan it seemed to come from a much darker place.
"How long were you a deputy for?"
"About two years. But I needed to get out eventually. It was just too dangerous. Besides I had some money left over from the sale of my parent's home. I'd kept it all by. Knew I'd need it." There was an air of satisfaction in his voice.
Once again the subject of money reared it's ugly head. For Cassie talk of money was always associated with the heated discussions she had grown up around her parents. In retrospect she realized her father's money troubles had been around for a long time. It was only after he died that they had found out just how bad things had been. She didn't want to spoil what had been a lovely day with vulgar talk of finances.
"Let's not talk of money on our first night."
"I'm sorry Cassie," Ethan said. "Seems like we have a whole lot of past to catch up on.
"Indeed we have, Ethan," she agreed. "But we have plenty of time to catch up. I'm sure you agree." He nodded and his lips tightened into a thin smile. Cassie noticed he had dimples on either side of his mouth when he smiled like that. It was most fetching, she thought.
They finished eating and the conversation was kept to more pleasant things. Ethan was a fine conversationalist. Cassie guessed he must have been school educated because he knew so much. He was also funny and knew just how to keep things between them nice and easy. Every time the talk edged into seriousness Ethan would made a little joke and move on to another subject. It made the evening go so much faster and Cassie was grateful for that.
She was already thinking of what was to come later in the evening. In the matrimonial bed.
Cassie took the dishes and went to the kitchen. Ethan stood and offered to help but Cassie gently declined his offer.
Cassie brought in the dessert of fresh fruit. They talked about what they loved and what they enjoyed. Ethan liked to ride horses. He enjoyed spending time outdoors. He loved the countryside, the feeling of being free and unrestrained by town life.
Ethan watched her across the table as she shared some of her memories of enjoyable experiences. Ethan was incredibly attentive to her as she spoke about her passions. The meal finished on a note of real pleasure. Cassie felt they had gone a long way to getting to know each other but she knew it might take a lifetime to really get that deep knowledge that came with time.
Cassie thought that Ethan was a fascinating man. He had lived a hard life. The difficulties he had taken on by choice told her he was a man of strong character. He was someone she just might be able to rely on even if circumstances became really difficult.
After the meal they cleared up and settled down side by side on the sofa. The talk continued until Cassie eventually started to feel tired. As she listened to Ethan's deep, slow, confident voice she felt a warm glow settle over her. It was almost as if she were about to fall into a deep sleep. But it was his voice that had the soothing effect, not so much what he was saying, or the fact that the day had been one of the most significant in her life.
Ethan looked at her and obviously noticed her tiredness. He paused and then spoke.
"Are you tired Cassie?"
"Mmm? A little," she answered.
Ethan looked toward the fireplace. He seemed to be searching for the right words.
"Would you like to retire for the night? he asked quietly.
Cassie looked at him, puzzled at first. Then she understood what he meant. A jab of panic rose up in her.
"No. I'm fine. Really," she muttered quickly.
He sensed her discomfort and shifted slightly away from her.
Cassie straightened. "I think I'd prefer some fresh air. It's always beautiful here at night. Let's go and I'll show you," she said, standing up and tidying her dress, removing the creases.
Ethan stood up and had a curious expression on his face, but he followed Cassie out onto the porch.
Darkness had fallen. The sound of the night was all around them and the sky above was black and scattered with bright stars. Cassie heard the horse in the stable. The wind hissed through the trees like the voices of unseen observers.
"Beautiful sky," Ethan said, looking up, stretching his long, muscled neck straight back. Cassie gazed at the length of his throat, at the strength of it and the movement of it as he spoke.
They stood side by side for a moment. Cassie savoured the quietness of the moment, enjoying being with this new, strong man. She felt safe out here tonight, unlike some previous nights when, alone, she'd had to lock the door, and force herself to sleep, hoping she wouldn't hear anything that would cause her to feel fear in the night.
There was a small wooden bench on the porch and they sat down on it. The smallness of the bench forced them to push up against each other. Cassie didn't mind that and neither did Ethan, judging by how quickly he put an arm around her and pressed his side against hers. Cassie admitted to herself that she liked how it felt.
Cassie leaned towards Ethan. "I used to sit here with Joshua, when it was warm enough to do s
o."
She was sure she felt Ethan's arm stiffen slightly after she said those words.
"It was a lovely ritual that we had," she continued. "Joshua said he never tired of looking at the night sky out here."
"I've seen my share of night skies," Ethan said. "Being a deputy often took us out on the trail, deep into the heart of the country. Out here, it's like a different world. We could be the only two people in the world. Just the two of us."
Cassie was stuck by the melancholy tone to his voice. It was beautiful to hear him speak like this. Joshua too had had a sensitive side, which often came out when he was out in, what he often called, God's blessed land.
Ethan looked at her, and Cassie felt her heart beat faster. What was it about this man that made her react like that? Even as she sat here on her favourite spot, which she had shared so often with Joshua, still she could feel a strange attraction to Ethan. Was it attraction? Really? So soon? Could she be this attracted to someone who she had only known for such a short time? It didn't seem possible. It also troubled her that she was being disrespectful to the memory of Joshua. She had made her mind up that she would never do anything to dishonour his memory. She wondered if that was what she was doing here on this porch, in a place that had meant so much to them both.
Memories flooded into her mind. Recollections of words uttered, touches felt, sensations shared, and for a brief moment it felt wrong to be here with Ethan, wrong to be in the arms of another man so soon, and so intensely. It wasn't Ethan's fault. It was her fault for not being true to her promise to Joshua and his memory. She pulled away slightly from Ethan as he dipped his head intent on kissing her.
"What's wrong Cassie? Ethan asked.
Cassie stood up and started to wring her hands. The feelings that were overwhelming her were strong, powerful and intense.
"I don't know how to say it. It has been such an amazing day in so many ways."
"It's my fault," Ethan said.
"I promised myself I would try to get through today, and keep the the memory of Joshua, but it is very difficult. So very difficult."
Ethan stood and came to her side
"I know. He was such an amazing husband to you. He was a very special man."
Cassie felt puzzled by Ethan's choice of words. "How would you know that?"
Ethan shifted and cleared his throat. "The way you have spoken about him," he answered quickly. "I can tell just how much he meant to you. You speak so highly of him. Everyone does."
"He was my husband. I can't just turn my back on him with a snap of the fingers."
"I wouldn't expect you to. I can only imagine how hard today it has been for you. I think you have done amazingly well given the circumstances."
"I know it can't be easy for you either, Ethan," Cassie said. "Coming into a situation like this."
"The ladies did tell me about your circumstances. But no amount of telling can give anyone the real idea of how hard it is to move on from a bereavement."
Cassie bristled at the use of the word. That word. She had never thought of herself as a bereaved person, let alone a widow. Of course, now she was no longer a widow but a wife.
She was Ethan's wife, and would be for as long as they were together. Nothing could change that now. That thought gave her pause. Everything had moved so fast and it seemed that now was the first chance she'd had to reflect on the recent events. She didn't like the reaction she was experiencing. She had pushed thoughts of Joshua out of her mind so well that she questioned whether she had done the right thing marrying Ethan at all. This was no time for second thoughts.
Ethan put an arm around her.
"No-one could possibly understand how hard it has been for you. But I can try. You know you can trust me, Cassie."
Cassie looked at him. "Can I? Really?" she asked him, looking hard into his eyes.
Ethan looked surprised. "What do you mean?"
"Just what I say, Ethan. Can I trust you?"
Ethan looked puzzled and slightly defensive. "Of course you can."
"But I hardly know you. Today is the first day we've truly spent time together. And what a wonderful day it has been. But the truth is, I hardly really know you. You've told me some of your past, and Hettie has no doubt dug deep into the circumstances of your life. But do I truly know who you are?"
Cassie felt a tightening of nerves in her stomach. She didn't really understand this reaction. Was it fair to question Ethan like this, especially after he'd tried so hard today to win her over? Was it the right thing to start questioning everything? Had the memory of Joshua caused this intense reaction in her?
Ethan moved up against her. Cassie felt the strength of his body as he enclosed her in a warm embrace. His face was close to hers, and his eyes shone brightly as they examined Cassie's face. His breath was soft against her face. Up close his features were even more even and handsome.
There was a look of deep sincerity in his eyes. They were fixed on hers with a firm intensity.
"Cassie. You must trust me," he whispered. "We are man and wife now. Of course it would be unreasonable to expect love to exist between us so soon after meeting. But in the short time I have known you, I have been amazed by you."
Cassie tried to look away, but Ethan placed a soft hand against her cheek and drew her face to his. "Ever since I met you I have not been able to stop thinking about you," he said quietly.
Cassie felt heat rise to her cheeks. Ethan's fingers traced a line down her cheek, and along the length of her jaw, moving up to touch her lips.
Cassie didn't know what to say. Her voice had literally stopped in her throat. She struggled and finally found the words.
"But Ethan how can we be together, like this? Surely it can't last. I'm not sure I will ever get over Joshua," she said, her voice cracking
Ethan placed a finger over her lips.
"All I know is that we are together. Today is our first day together, and I for one have never had a better day than this. I have you to thank for that."
Cassie turned away, determined he wouldn't see the moistness in her eyes.
Ethan dipped his head and his lips sealed over Cassie's. In that moment she gave herself over completely to his kiss. It was gentle, and yet had a hint of the restraint he was obviously having to exert over himself. His body felt tight. She lifted her head slightly, and welcomed his lips as they moved in unison with hers. Her body melted into his, and his embrace became even firmer. She felt the hardness of his muscled presence enclose her. She felt as if he were wrapping himself around her in an act of protection.
All the while his lips gently and firmly gave her a pleasure that she had almost forgotten could exist. Her mind went blank with the sensations that his determined attention evoked in her. This was the place she was meant to be right now. And this was the man she was meant to be with.
Ethan ended the kiss, and ran his hand across her forehead moving some stray hairs back into place. He seemed to be examining her features but with a real and visible appreciation.
"You are so very beautiful Cassie," he whispered softly.
The words flowed into her, his deep, soft voice a reassuring sound that mingled with that of the wind whispering through the trees.
Ethan kissed her again. Cassie felt the moistness of his lips and the pleasure was more intense this time. She felt she was beginning to lose what little composure she might have maintained throughout the day. She wasn't sure she was ready for what was inevitably about to take place.
But his lips and his kisses were so sweet, so tender. She found her body giving itself over to him as they stood there on the porch. His breath was a quiet, rhythmic sound.
Ethan took her hand, entwining his fingers in her own, and led her back into the cabin. Cassie felt that she was walking on air as she followed him to the bedroom door. He paused at the door and looked at her, his eyes burning and fixed utterly on her. Cassie felt her breath quicken.
Ethan leaned down and kissed her again. Cassie's body softene
d into his supporting arms. He seemed to tighten his grip around her, enclosing her, sheltering her. Cassie felt the blood roar in her veins. It felt good to be in the arms of this man.
Then the voice in her head whispered to her. She could not do this. Not now. It was too soon. All too soon. She wasn't ready; hadn't even thought about this moment; had driven it from her thoughts all day long. But now the moment was here. And she was not ready.
Ethan continued to kiss her, his lips ever more eager and firm. Cassie felt a wave of passion engulf her again, and the voice came back stronger this time.
Joshua.
One word that stopped all her sensation. She felt herself come back to the present moment. It seemed as if she had been taken a very long way away, and now she was back here in the present, it all seemed so clear.
Not now. Not tonight. And she knew it would hurt Ethan. But there was nothing she could do. It could not be tonight.
Cassie hoped he would understand. She drew her head away from Ethan's and raised a hand to her throat.
Ethan frowned. "What is it Cassie?" he asked, breathless.
Cassie looked at him and felt her face tighten in pain. "I'm sorry Ethan. I can't," she groaned, her voice barely able to say the words.
Ethan ran a hand through his hair and turned, his breathing still fast. They stood inches apart, unable to touch, but it might as well have been a vast distance.
Finally he composed himself and stood straight. He turned to look at her and she saw a calmness in his eyes. She was taken aback by the suddenness of the transformation, but she was also quietly reassured.
"I understand Cassie," he said with a soft voice. "It was insensitive of me."
Cassie reached out and touched his arm. "No. Don't say that. It wasn't anything you did Ethan. It is just that I don't feel quite able or ready for this. Soon I shall be. Just not right now."
Ethan nodded. "I understand." He leaned over and kissed Cassie on the forehead. When his lips touched her skin it was all that Cassie could do not to lean into him again, to press her head against his soft lips.
He leaned back and looked at Cassie. "I'll sleep on the couch."
Mail Order Vows (Sweet Mail Order Bride Historical Romance Novel) Page 9