by Malone, Cara
She took a deep breath, wiped the tears from her eyes, and gathered up her spilled trash. She threw it away, then went back upstairs and started organizing her notes for the medical licensing exam. She’d be taking it in just one month and she had to be ready, whether she had a study partner or not.
* * *
Ivy did everything she could to avoid Chloe in the weeks leading up to the exam. She knew she wouldn’t be strong enough to keep her at arm’s length if they ran into each other, and that she’d only end up hurting Chloe more than she already had. And, selfishly, Ivy knew what it would do to her focus if she saw Chloe.
So she didn’t go to the hospital cafeteria, even on days when she’d had barely any sleep and her eyelids were drooping in the middle of rounds. Instead, she started frequenting the waiting area outside of the operating room, drinking bitter, weak coffee from the vending machines and scarfing granola bars behind the nurses’ station when she got hungry. She even found a seldom-used hallway with a gurney in it and slept there when she was on call instead of using the call rooms, just to be sure she’d never run into Chloe there.
She just went to work, focused entirely on medicine, and turned herself into a slave for Dr. Isaac, doing all the scutwork that he could throw at her and scrubbing in on every surgery she could weasel her way into.
Then in the evenings, Ivy went back to her apartment and kept right on working so that her mind would never have a moment of idleness to think about how badly she’d screwed up with Chloe, first by falling for her and then by breaking her heart. She took out every single flashcard and page of notes that she’d written in the last three and a half years and spread them out across her apartment. By the end of the first week, Ivy had them all sorted by medical specialty. Then she started taping her flashcards – over five hundred in all – on the wall in neat rows so she could walk back and forth and quiz herself on any subject she liked.
It wasn’t quite as good as having a real person to study with, but it was somewhat affirming to see her color-coded notes taking up almost an entire wall in her living room.
* * *
One day, about two weeks after Ivy had left Chloe at the bus depot, she was in the locker room at the end of her shift. It had been a long one, full of bitter coffee and tedious tasks for Dr. Isaac, and Ivy was more than a little grumpy from hunger and exhaustion. She was sluggishly changing out of her scrubs and planning her evening’s study session – the nervous system – when the locker room door opened and Ivy looked up to see who it was.
The pediatrics department was all the way on the other side of the hospital so Ivy knew the likelihood that it would be Chloe was slim, but her heart skipped a beat anyway. Then Dr. Stevens from the ER came in and nodded when she saw Ivy.
“Dr. Chan,” she said, heading for her locker with her signature speed. “How’s surgery treating you?”
Dr. Stevens turned her back and started to change, pulling her scrub top over her head and yanking a sweater quickly over her long, smooth hair. She did everything fast and Ivy wondered if she even knew how to slow down.
“It’s going well,” Ivy said, and it wasn’t until she spoke that she realized she was harboring irritation toward Dr. Stevens. It had been her idea to stick Ivy and Chloe together in the first place. If they hadn’t been forced to work together, Ivy might never have strayed from her path at all.
“Good to hear,” Dr. Stevens said as she changed into a pair of jeans.
Ivy felt her jaw tightening. She knew deep down that it was misplaced blame, but it felt good to have someone else to lay her troubles on. Before she could stop herself, Ivy blurted, “Actually, it’s funny. Dr. Isaac doesn’t believe in that mushy patient relations stuff you forced on me.”
Dr. Stevens turned around, pausing for only a second to look at Ivy with surprise. Ivy wondered if she’d gone too far – is it still insubordination if the person you’re talking to is no longer your supervisor? – and then Dr. Stevens said, “Dr. Isaac is a robot. You don’t want to be like him.”
“He’s a great surgeon,” Ivy objected.
“He’s highly skilled,” Dr. Stevens agreed. “But he looks at his patients like they’re statistics and treats them accordingly.”
“His surgeries have the highest survival rate in the hospital,” Ivy said.
“If you’re not interested in the survival of your patients then you have no business being a doctor,” Dr. Stevens said, crossing her arms over her chest. “Those who are truly great doctors think about the quality of life for their patients, not just the number of lives saved. I have to get going.”
She pulled a backpack out of the bottom of her locker and slung it over her shoulder, heading for the door. Just before she got there, Ivy said to her back, “You broke me. When you paired me up with Chloe, you stripped away my ability to wear blinders and just focus on the work.”
Dr. Stevens turned around slowly, and now Ivy figured she’d really overstepped her bounds. Instead of being angry, though, Dr. Stevens smirked and said, “If you don’t like who you are when you care about your patients, then you need to reconsider your priorities - as a doctor and as a human.”
Ivy shook her head, frustrated because her words were coming out all wrong and Dr. Stevens wasn’t seeing her point. In one last-ditch effort to make herself understood, Ivy asked, “How do you do it? You never stop working, never lose your focus, and never get distracted.”
“Ritalin,” Dr. Stevens said, and Ivy’s jaw dropped.
“Really?”
“No,” Dr. Stevens said with a loud laugh. Then she shrugged and said, “It helps when you don’t have a life outside of the hospital, but that’s a lonely way to be. If I’ve had some part in you finding a little bit of work-life balance, I won’t apologize for it.”
Then she turned and breezed out of the locker room as fast as she’d come in.
20
Chloe
Chloe’s Christmas present from her parents was the airfare she needed to fly home over the winter break. It was close to three hundred dollars, more than she could afford by herself and an amount she knew her parents couldn’t spend frivolously, either.
She’d almost told them not to worry about it, that it was less than a week and she’d see them at graduation in the spring, but Chloe really needed to see her family. Even though she talked to her mom on the phone all the time, it wasn’t the same as being there. Her little sister, April, was growing like a weed the last time Chloe saw her and she worried that if she waited too long between visits, she wouldn’t recognize her anymore.
And she really needed to get out of Evanston for a while because she’d had a rough couple of weeks. Being with Ivy, and then not being with Ivy, was like riding a rollercoaster that left her winded and a little bit sick. Chloe hadn’t spoken to Ivy since they came back from Michigan and the few times she’d seen her at the hospital, Ivy turned and immediately marched in the opposite direction. A few days on the other side of the country would help Chloe find some space to sort through her emotions and clear her mind before the medical licensing exam.
The plane was crowded with holiday travelers and Chloe spent most of it flipping through a review workbook in preparation for the exam. She was taking it two days after she got back to Evanston, and she felt far from prepared. She’d lost her study partner and that rattled her almost as much as losing Ivy as a lover. Chloe was fortunate to have Megan – she’d made plans with her to get together after Christmas for a cram session or two and that would have to be good enough - but Megan was no Ivy.
Chloe’s dad picked her up from the airport. He was waiting just beyond the baggage carousel and Chloe almost walked right past him.
“Hi, sunshine,” he said as she was looking around the crowded airport for him. “Right here.”
“Dad!” Chloe said, going over to him. “Wow, you’re so thin!”
“I think you mean ‘cut’,” he said, flexing his bicep despite the bulky winter coat he was wearing. Chloe laughed and t
hrew her arms around him, although his transformation was a little startling. She was glad to see that he’d taken his doctor’s warnings seriously, but Chloe wasn’t quite used to her father being so diminutive. He was tall and had a large frame, so the extra weight he’d put on over the years had never seemed out of place. Now, he felt gaunt when she hugged him and it reminded her of how long she’d been away from home.
“You’re not losing the weight too fast, are you Daddy?” she asked as he took her bag and they headed for the parking lot.
“Nah, the doctor’s keeping an eye on me,” he said with a shrug. “I’m eating rabbit food and running on a treadmill to nowhere that your sister helped me set up in the basement, but your old man’s as good as ever. You don’t need to worry about me, sunshine. How’s school going?”
Chloe told him all about her first two rotations of the year, going into detail about how much she admired Dr. Thomas. Her pediatrics rotation had just ended and there were only two more before the year ended and she was a bona fide doctor… as long as she found a place to do her residency and passed the medical licensing exam.
“I’m sure you’ll pass with flying colors,” her dad said, not a single doubt in his mind.
The drive from the airport to the Barnes house took about thirty minutes, the scenery outside Chloe’s window shifting from city to suburbs. She switched the topic of conversation back to her dad, asking for more details about his diet and exercise regime, then asking about his job.
For most of Chloe’s childhood, he’d been a long-haul truck driver and that meant a lot of time on the road, away from the family. It was a decent income but Chloe always missed him terribly when he was gone. When she was little, she’d cling to him before every trip, begging him to stay home instead. Luckily, when April was around five and Chloe was fifteen, he finally found a job driving locally so he could stay at home with the family. The money wasn’t as good and their mom had to get a job at a daycare center to make up the difference, but to Chloe, having her dad at home made it all worthwhile.
“You still like it?” she asked him.
“Yeah, it’s not bad,” he answered. “Can’t argue with homemade lunches and hot dinners that don’t come out of a greasy fast food bag.”
“Momma spoils you,” Chloe said, glancing over at her dad with a smile.
“Not anymore,” he said with a wink. “I think April gets all the Twinkies and potato chips in her lunch that I used to get.”
“It’s a good thing she’s trying out for softball in the spring,” Chloe said with a laugh.
Her dad turned onto the street where she’d grown up and seeing it never failed to put a little knot of homesickness in her stomach. It had been hard for Chloe to move so far away for medical school and every time she returned, she wished she’d stayed closer. That was never more true than in her second year, when she’d gotten the tearful call from her mother that he was in the Emergency Room with shortness of breath and chest pains.
It turned out alright in the end and he was feeling better by that afternoon, but Chloe never would have forgiven herself if she’d been stranded in Illinois and something bad happened to him.
“Just like you left it,” her dad said as he pulled into the driveway in front of a faded yellow ranch house.
Chloe took off her seatbelt and asked, “Are Momma and April home?”
“Yep,” he said. “They’re waiting for you to start baking Christmas cookies.”
Chloe went inside, letting her dad carry her bag in. He set it down in the living room for her to take to her room later, then opened the door to the basement and she asked, “Where are you going?”
“To run in place until I’ve earned myself one of those cookies,” he said, then started down the stairs.
Chloe went through the living room to the kitchen at the back of the house, where her mom and April were both sitting at the kitchen table, sipping hot cocoa and waiting for her. Their eyes lit up when she walked into the room and April was the first one across the kitchen to hug her.
“I missed you,” she said as Chloe embraced her.
“You look like a grown-up,” she said, surprised as she held April at arm’s length and noticed the pink lipstick and smoky eyeliner that she wore. “When did that happen?”
“Around the beginning of the school year,” her mom said, coming over to join them. She wrapped Chloe in a tight bear hug and held her for a long minute, during which Chloe’s mind went unexpectedly to Ivy. She thought about her holiday at Ivy’s house and wondered if Mrs. Chan ever hugged Ivy like this. Before Chloe could chase that thought too far, her mom released her and said, “You going to help us bake cookies?”
“Of course,” Chloe said. “What are we making this year?”
“Snickerdoodles for Dad, of course,” April said. “We found a heart-healthy recipe for them this year so hopefully they’re good. We’re also making gingerbread, iced sugar cookies, and Linzers.”
Chloe took off her coat and laid it across the back of a kitchen chair while her mom and sister went over to the cabinets and started taking out the ingredients they’d need. They spent the rest of the afternoon baking up a storm together. Chloe learned all about April’s adventures as a freshman in high school and her mom’s promotion at work. After almost a decade at the daycare center and three years of night school to earn her associate’s degree, she’d finally been bumped up to management, and that meant she no longer had to handle the day-to-day fun of dirty diapers and temper tantrums.
“Now I just have to deal with the temper tantrums of the women who work for me,” her mom said with a snort. “I wish I was joking.”
April laughed and Chloe caught up to the conversation a moment later. She’d been rolling out sugar cookie dough on the counter and watching her mom and sister move fluidly around each other in the small kitchen like they did every Christmas. She was thinking about Ivy again, wondering if they’d ever go back to being friends, and if they did, whether Ivy would accept an offer to come home with Chloe for Christmas one year.
She knew her parents wouldn’t mind – they were always of the opinion that more was merrier – and Chloe knew her mom would pull Ivy right into the cookie-baking reverie as if she were part of the family. Ivy deserved a Christmas like that, where she was celebrated for who she was rather than being constantly stacked up against her brother.
Merry Christmas, Ivy, she thought. Hope you’re not studying too hard.
Then she grabbed a cookie cutter and started punching circles out of the dough.
* * *
Three days after Christmas, Chloe was back in Evanston with a tin full of cookies and her mind still firmly Seattle. The town felt more solitary than usual because the undergraduates were at home with their families and wouldn’t return until after the New Year, but Chloe had work to do. After she went to her apartment and unpacked her bag, she grabbed the tin of cookies and walked to her old apartment.
Megan had never left town – her parents lived in Chicago, just a short drive away – so she’d been happy to set up a last-minute study session. Chloe rang the bell, then waited for Megan to buzz her up. It was strange, waiting to be let into the place where she’d lived for three years, and even stranger when she went inside and saw that the living room had been transformed.
There were art prints on the walls and a new, distressed wood coffee table. The throw pillows had been replaced and there was a chunky knit blanket thrown over the back of the sofa, making the whole room feel like a cozy little love nest.
“I love what you’ve done with the place,” Chloe said as she took off her coat and hung it by the door.
“Not me,” Megan said. “I’m not much of a homemaker. This is all Alex’s doing.”
“It’s very nice,” Chloe said.
“I bet your new place already looks like Martha Stewart exploded inside it,” Megan teased.
“Actually,” Chloe said, “I haven’t had much motivation to unpack my boxes.”
�
�Really?” Megan asked, surprise written all over her face.
“Yeah,” Chloe said, and then because she wasn’t eager to feed gossip about Ivy to her arch rival, she asked, “Is Alex all moved in?”
“Yeah,” Megan said. “It took a couple of weeks to get all her stuff over here because our schedules were kind of hectic, but we got there.”
“And how’s engaged life?” Chloe asked. She watched as a broad smile spread across Megan’s lips.
“It’s incredible,” she said. “I didn’t think it was possible to be happier than I was when we were dating, but I am.”
“That’s great,” Chloe said. She was genuinely happy for them, but at the same time she felt a pang of heartache knowing that she could have had that happiness with Ivy, if only their circumstances had been different. She looked around and asked, “Is she here?”
“Not yet,” Megan said, looking at the clock in the kitchen. “Her shift ended about fifteen minutes ago, so she should be here soon. So tell me about your last rotation. Pediatrics, right?”
“Yeah. It went well,” Chloe said. She told Megan that she’d decided to specialize there and Megan congratulated her. Before she could say she’d known it all along, like every single one of Chloe’s extended family members when she’d told them at Christmas, Chloe asked, “What about your surgery rotation?”
“It went okay,” Megan said. “I’m sure it would have been easier if I hadn’t had to compete with Ivy the whole time. She’s like a honey badger – she doesn’t look all that intimidating but she will totally rip your face off if it helps her get into a surgery she wants.”
“I don’t think honey badgers care about surgery,” Chloe pointed out.
“Yeah, that metaphor got away from me a little bit,” Megan said and they both laughed. Then she added, “Point is, she was ruthless and I’m glad it’s over.”