by Shey Stahl
She might be right. I had to send Lillian to the store because we needed more flour and sugar. Maybe the counter being covered in cookies is enough.
Camdyn sighs, climbing down from the chair and staring at her sister and then me. “I need to take a bath. My armpits stinkin’.”
I watch her take off down the hall. “Do you need any help?”
“Nope.” She flips her hand behind her. “I gots it.”
I smile, a laugh leaving my lips as I remove the apron wrapped around my waist. I never want to leave this house. I’m dreading it. These girls are my people. People I can really be myself around. And that includes Lillian, who just walked through the door.
“I got the essentials.” Lillian sets a wine bottle on the counter and then a case of beer for Barron. She eyes the cookies on the counter. “You made enough for an army.”
I place the lid back on the jar of marshmallow cream and quickly realize the cat had been licking it. There are black hairs on the outside. “Ew, Vader.”
Lillian and I both look over at where Sev is sitting with the cat, using Barron’s brush to comb his hair. Lillian laughs. “Don’t tell him.”
“I won’t.”
Uncorking the wine, she glances over her shoulder at Sev. “So, now that the girls are distracted, what the fuck happened yesterday? Morgan said Tara showed up here.”
I hadn’t had time to tell Lillian everything that happened with Tara showing up and then the sex against the counter. Not that I need to tell her the sex part. I hear the water running in the bathroom and wonder if I should leave Camdyn alone in there. She’s five. She can take a bath by herself, right?
You can leave Camdyn unattended for a few minutes. Sev, not a chance. Turn your back on her, and she’s trying to rip the wings off a bee to get its stinger. True story. How bees survive in these winters is beyond me, but she found one. That has nothing to do with what’s going on around me though, amongst a Christmas cookie explosion.
“Hello?” Lillian pours herself a glass of wine and snaps her fingers in my face. “What happened?”
My eyes drift to Sev, unsure if she can hear us. Not that she would care what we’re talking about, but she’s currently taking all the Christmas ornaments off the tree. This happens daily and it drives Barron crazy because he’s constantly stepping on them. “Yeah, she showed up and outed me in front of Barron.”
Lillian’s eyes widen, mid-sip. She swallows the wine. “Seriously?”
“Yep.” I busy myself with putting away the cookie-making supplies, afraid if I don’t have something to do, the calm façade I’ve been trying to maintain will fade. I’m scared of what happens next. After Christmas. He asked me to stay for Christmas, but then what? Do I leave?
“What did he say?”
I shrug. “Not much, really. He asked if it was true, and then we fucked on the kitchen island.”
Lillian’s jaw drops, and then her eyes land on the island she’s currently sitting at. “Did you sanitize it?”
“Yes. Did you sanitize Jace’s Jeep?”
A grins forms as she takes another sip of her wine. “Nope. So, like, he wasn’t mad?”
I think about the angry sex and his lack of words that night. “He was mad all right, but I don’t know. It’s awkward, and I don’t know what to say. Besides I’m sorry for not telling him. And I feel like the world biggest asshole.”
She’s finished with her wine now, so she pours herself another. I’m jealous she’s drinking, so I get out the whiskey, and before we know it, we’re day drinking. Twenty minutes later, as I’m spilling all my deepest secrets to her and Sev, who does not care about anything we’re saying, I realize the water is still running in the bathroom. I listen and hear splashing and giggles.
I jump up from the stool, trip over the cat, and face plant into the coffee table. Thinking I knocked myself out, I recover enough to crawl down the hallway. I now completely understand why Barron installed a drain in their bathroom.
There, amongst every—now soaked—towel they have, Camdyn is having a pool party with her Barbies. Sev comes around the corner, buck-ass naked. “I wanna takes a bath.”
Before I know it, they’re both in there, and Sev has turned the water bright red with the food coloring from the cookies. “We swims in blood!” she announces.
Camdyn looks horrified. I have to admit, I’m a little freaked out too.
I look to Lillian. “Do you think that’s going to stain their skin?”
Camdyn holds up her pink hand. “Yes.”
“At least they’re red for Christmas.” Lillian wraps her arm around my shoulder as we stand in the doorway. “We make excellent babysitters.”
I stare at the wet towels on the floor, my cheek feeling like it’s about to explode from my fall. “He’s going to kill me.”
“Well, it sounds to me like he can’t be mad at you.” She smooshes our faces together. “Barron just fucks his anger out.”
I wince at the pain of our cheeks touching, and she pulls back. “Ouch.”
“You’re gonna wanna get some ice on that.”
Shit.
When Barron and Morgan return that night, they’re not only met with kids that have pink skin, but us kinda drunk, and me with a black eye.
Morgan whistles, staring at my face. “Watcha y’all been up to in here?”
“I tripped,” I manage to say, my eyes darting to Barron, who’s watching me closely.
“Why dis cat stick it butthole in my face?” Sev asks, sitting on the countertop in her Christmas pajamas. She tips her head to the side, petting down Vader’s back. “I not wanna see yous butthole.”
“Sev.” Barron groans, setting his thermos on the counter, his eyes locked on mine. “Stop saying butthole.”
“Butthole,” she whispers, glaring at her dad.
He walks past her to me and stands in front of me. “What happened?”
“I left Camdyn in the tub, she flooded it, I freaked out and ran. Bam. Black eye.” I point to the whiskey behind him, my eyes widening with the lack of oxygen to my brain by word vomit. “And full disclosure. I drank while watching your kids, and they took a bath in red food coloring. That’s why they’re pink. And I baked too many cookies. You’re out of eggs. And… toilet paper. Sev had an accident.”
“My butthole’s clean,” Sev says, finding any way to use the word again.
It takes him a second to comprehend all that. His eyebrows rise, and then a light chuckle rolls through him. “Okay then.”
Hey, at least we’ve got honesty now. And I have my first black eye.
Merry Christmas.
I wish I had an answer.
BARRON
Getting your kids to sleep on Christmas Eve is nearly impossible. I contemplate drugging them. Briefly. Morgan and I were never overly excited about Christmas, but between Kacy and my aunt Tilly, the girls have never been so excited to have Santa come.
Sev’s standing in front of me, using my knees for support as she jumps around like a lunatic.
Praying Sev doesn’t slip and headbutt my dick, I glare at Kacy, who’s sitting next to me on the couch, cheeks red, smile plastered to her face. “How many cookies did they have?”
“Just a few.” She sucks her lips into her mouth, trying not to laugh.
“Lies.” I laugh, taking Sev in my arms. Camdyn is sitting on Kacy’s lap, her hair braided. “How many did you eat?”
She grabs my face in her hands, squeezing. “All of thems!” And then she laughs manically. I’m certain sugar is the devil’s drug of choice for children.
This goes on for close to an hour. Me telling them over and over again it’s time for bed and them ignoring me. Kacy is absolutely no help.
“Hey!” Sev yells, continuing to jump. “I’s takin’ to yous.”
I bring my face closer to hers. “I hear ya, little girl.”
“Then answers me.”
“What?”
She grins. “You stink!”
I tell her this
all the time. It’s a joke between us. I widen my eyes, as if I’m offended. “I don’t stink. You do.” I grab Sev by her waist and haul her over my head. When she squirms, I slam her down gently on the couch between Kacy and me. Her laughter rings through the house and then I’m tackled by Camdyn.
“Okay, it’s time for bed.” They’ve been ready for two hours. Bathed. Teeth brushed, but they’re stalling.
“Why?” Camdyn whines, sliding off Kacy’s lap.
I try to smile, but it’s a half-assed effort. “Because if you don’t, Santa’s gonna start drinking, and he might forget to come to your house.”
Camdyn frowns, her eyes darting from mine to Kacy and then back again. “Santa drinks?”
“He has little elves. Of course he drinks. Now go to bed.”
Kacy starts laughing beside me. I shoot her a playful glare.
“Are y’all lyin’?” Camdyn asks, looking to Kacy.
“It’s true,” Kacy manages to say.
Camdyn grabs Sev’s hand. “Come on, let’s go to bed.”
Sev digs her pajama bottoms from her butt, looking over at Camdyn. “I hope Santa lets us keep our mom.”
“Me too,” Camdyn agrees, smiling at me.
I’m not sure Kacy hears it, because she’s not looking at the kids, but I do. They want to keep Kacy, and I can’t blame them. I want to as well, but I’m not sure how that’s going to play out. I’m not mad that she didn’t tell me the connection she had to Tara. I was, but it’s not like she kept it from me to be vindictive. I believe her when she said she didn’t come looking for me, but the reality is, she’s twenty-one. It didn’t hit me until today that her staying might be good for me and bad for Kacy. I don’t want her to stay because I want her to, but because she wants to. If that makes sense. Which it doesn’t, entirely. All I know is my heart gets pissed off when I think about it.
When the girls disappear down the hall, Kacy smiles. “You’re amazing with them.”
I stare at the tree with the ornaments all placed on one section where the kids could reach. I think about how many Christmas’s I’ve shared with them. Every one has been a bit different, but this one is my favorite because I finally feel like I’ve given them something worth remembering.
“They’re so excited,” Kacy notes. “And you’re amazing with them. Most men wouldn’t do all the things you’re doing.”
“I couldn’t imagine my life without them in it,” I tell her, leaning my head back against the couch, the fire crackling in front of us. “I never wanted to be a dad at eighteen, but I was, and I did what I had to do to make sure they knew they were my priority. My only concern. And Tara… I don’t know….” I sigh, unsure where I’m going with my admittance. Though I really don’t know Kacy, there’s still that sense of easiness I’ve always had around her. Like I can tell her anything, and she’ll listen. “She brought up all these feelings I thought I’d buried a long time ago.”
“Like you have feelings for her?”
“No, not like that. Not anymore. It’s more…. Fuck. I need a drink.” I stand up, retrieve the Southern Comfort I’ve been drinking for the last couple of nights and take a seat back where I’d been sitting beside her. I offer Kacy a drink, which she takes and then hands the bottle back to me. “What pisses me off about her showing up is bringing up my abandonment issues,” I tell her, flat out.
Her eyes twinkle with a grin. “You know, it takes a hell of a confident, sexy man to admit he has abandonment issues.”
“Hmmm.” I drawl out, winking. “I like where this is heading.”
It doesn’t head where I’m hoping it will because her eyes soften. She swallows, nervously chewing on her bottom lip. “I’m still really sorry about how this all played out.”
I lift the Southern Comfort in my hand to my lips. “I know you are. I was angry you didn’t tell me, but I think if I had been in your position, I’m not sure I would have said anything either.”
She smiles, resting her chin on her knee she’s pulled up on the couch. “You know what else I’m sorry about?”
“What?”
“Egg nog.” She snorts, taking the bottle from me. “Morgan gave me egg nog and whiskey. Me being, well, me, I threw that bitch back like it was straight whiskey. I don’t know how anyone likes egg nog. I feel like I swallowed an elf’s cum.”
I lean my head back against the couch, laughing as she scoots closer. Wrapping my arm around her, I whisper in her ear, “Mine probably tastes better. I’m sure of it.”
“Oh, definitely.” With her head on my chest, she breathes out slowly. “Barron?”
“Yeah?” My heart beats a little faster. I never know what this girl is going to say next.
“I know I said it, but I never meant to hurt you. I should have told you sooner.”
That shitty feeling returns. The one I fight so hard to ignore. “You didn’t hurt me, Kacy. I don’t feel used. I just, I don’t know. I worry about them.”
“You have every right to worry about them. They’re your daughters.”
“I’m afraid of what’s going to happen when you leave.”
She lifts her head, the firelight reflecting the agony in her eyes, probably because I said “when you leave.” Like this wasn’t a choice for her any longer. Is it? Do I want her to leave? She crashed into my life so suddenly, I hadn’t prepared myself for what falling for someone would feel like for me or my girls. Now it’s left me completely devastated in some ways. Not because of the lie, but because of the reminder of how temporary it can be.
“My favorite part was that you didn’t know me. You didn’t know the drama, the rumors, any of it,” I admit, opening myself up to her. “You crashed into my life and didn’t know me. Or at least I thought it was that way.”
“That was my favorite part, too, because I felt the exact same way. You didn’t know me or my family. I was just a girl.”
We stare at the fire in silence, breathing easy. I might not know what the next few days will bring, but I’m glad this girl is with me. “Who hates egg nog?” I add, trying to draw some humor into it.
A gift I didn’t see coming.
BARRON
I’ve had five Christmases with Camdyn. I’ve had three with Sev. I had four with Tara, and now, one with Kacy. In all that time, all those mornings when you’re supposed to be thankful for those around you, this one means the most.
Amongst wrapping paper and giggles, I stare at the vintage spellbook that Kacy had engraved with Sev’s name on it. “You didn’t have to do that. It must have cost a fortune.”
Kacy beams with pride, wearing Christmas pajamas she bought to match the girls’. “It’s worth it to see the look on her face.”
Leaning forward, I press my lips to her temple. “Thank you.”
“Thank you for letting me stay. This was the first Christmas where I’ve seen snow and a real family together.”
I smile, but inside, it’s sad to think she had been so unhappy before this. And I can imagine Tara had a lot to do with it.
As the girls continue to open their gifts, Kacy scoots closer to me.
“Do you think those will fit her?” she asks, gesturing to the Ariat boots she got for Camdyn. She put them on as soon as she opened them and hasn’t taken them off since. I doubt she will, even if they are two sizes too big.
“They’ll fit her soon. Their feet grow like crazy.” Reaching behind me, I pull out the necklace I asked Tilly to pick up for me in Austin last week. Granted, this was before I knew about her connection with Tara, but still, I don’t regret it. Sighing, I hand it to her and then reach for my coffee without words.
She stares at the box in her hand. “What’s this?”
“I had Aunt Tilly pick it up for you when she was in Austin.” I bring the cup to my lips, trying to keep my smile hidden. “That was before I knew how much you liked egg nog. Or I would have gotten you a bottle.”
She makes a gagging sound, and Sev turns to look at her, a black princess crown haphazardly balanc
ing on her head and a custom spell wand pointed at us.
“What are you doing with that wand?” I ask her, curious why she looks like she’s trying to burn a hole in my head with her stare.
“Makes me a brother,” she growls in her monster voice.
I glare back. A brother? She wants a brother? What the fuck? First a mom, now a brother. “It doesn’t work that way, little girl.”
Kacy gasps beside me, having opened the box. “I love it!” She hands it to me. “Can you put it on me?”
With her neckline in view, I’m thinking about putting something else on her. I fasten the spring ring clasp on the necklace for her. It’s a vintage chain with a camphor glass drop that says: Not all souls that wander are lost.
She touches her fingers to the camphor glass. “It’s so beautiful.” Jumping up, she reaches under the tree for a small box and pushes it toward me. “I got you this.”
I look down at the box in my hand. “You didn’t have to get me anything.”
Kacy shrugs. “I know, but I did.”
Carefully I peel back the meticulously wrapped paper to find a titanium flask with the engraving of: I drink because I have kids. Don’t ask questions.
I smile. “It’s perfect.”
By the look on her face, I wonder if she’s ever given anyone a gift before. One she picked out. Not one her mother chose for her.
As I stare at the flask in my hand, I’m reminded that I don’t want to let her go. She could stay, right? But then what happens when she decides this town is too small for her? What happens when I’m working eighty-hour weeks and she feels neglected?
Easier said than done.
KACY
The day after Christmas, I stare up at the ceiling in Barron’s room, praying to get lost and never surface in anything other than the feeling of his hands gripping my hips. But as we lay here this morning, I realize my expiration date has come.