by J. L. Jarvis
Finn continued. “Tamara dumped me in Amsterdam. I hung around there for a week. During that week, I kept thinking of you. Then I cut short the trip and booked a flight back to New York.”
“Thinking of me?”
His eyes darted about like they always did when he was nervous. “Don’t laugh, but I got it in my head that I… missed you.”
Don’t laugh? I can’t even breathe.
“I know. It’s crazy. Chalk it up to temporary insanity. I think I was homesick, and you’re part of what I think of as home.”
That would’ve been a nice thing to hear if her ears hadn’t been ringing. She’d tried to shake her head when he said it was crazy that he’d kept thinking of her. Then she just gave up trying to respond. A wave of nausea washed over her.
He gazed off to the distance and smiled his winning smile, but it was forced. “Lucky you! I was going to tell you, but by the time I got home, you’d run off to get married. You dodged a bullet there, Oakley.”
This was the part where she needed to say something, but she felt breathless and sick. “Excuse me a minute.” Surprised by how normal she sounded, she managed to slip out of the restaurant booth before she lost her composure. Once in the bathroom, she closed the stall door and exhaled. Why was he telling her this now? She would’ve been better off not knowing. And yet the idea that he had cared even briefly meant something. If she hadn’t been in such a vulnerable state over Finn, she would never have fallen so hard for Matt and agreed to get married. Finn might’ve come home and told her how he felt, and they could’ve been something to each other. She couldn’t think of that now. She needed to pull it together and get home without falling apart.
By the time she got back to the table, Finn had paid for the check. Annie didn’t bother to protest. She did manage a quick, “I’ll buy next time.” Then she realized there would be a next time, and soon. They had plans for a whole day of shopping together on Saturday. That didn’t give her much time to recover, but she would—because she would have to.
Or she could make up an excuse.
The ride home was awkwardly quiet. Finn gripped the steering wheel and stared straight ahead. After an unbearable silence, he said, “Things worked out okay, didn’t they?”
Annie turned and stared at him as if he’d lost his mind. “My husband died, you got divorced, and our children have run off and gotten married without thinking it through. I don’t know. I guess you could say things worked out.”
“Oh, crap. I’m an idiot. I didn’t mean anything about Matt.”
“I know. I made it sound worse.” Annie took pity on him. “I’m not sure why I did that.” She had the feeling they’d both walked out on a tightrope and weren’t sure whether to go the rest of the way or turn back.
His mention of Matt brought a memory to the surface. “It meant a lot to me when you came to the funeral. I was drifting about in a daze, and then you were there. You were my anchor. I don’t even know what I said or did that day, but I knew you were there.” She turned and stared out the window as the car lights grew blurry.
Finn gave her hand a squeeze. “It was nothing you wouldn’t do for me.”
For the remainder of the ride home, Annie’s mood vacillated. One minute, fear coursed through her chest as she felt their friendship changing in ways that might damage it. The next minute, she wanted to tell him to pull over so she could climb on him before he could defend himself. She’d never been a climb-onto-a-guy sort of girl, so the logistics involved kept her from acting upon it. She wasn’t as limber as she’d been in her twenties. But she thought about it. A lot.
But what she and Finn had now was valuable and rare, built on a long history that proved it to be solid and reliable. That made it sound boring. It was anything but. There were heart-throbbing moments that could make a girl believe in fairy tales. Except the men in fairy tales were always strangers, which was why those stories could never come true. Once the fairy-tale couples got to know one another, they’d probably break up and move on. But with Finn, it was real. There was little they didn’t know about one another.
And he lived right next door. In theory, it was an ideal situation, but what if it backfired? If something happened between them, they’d still be stuck seeing each other. Going to the mailbox or taking out the trash would become intolerable. Annie sighed. Were they meant to be friends, or could they mean something more to each other? Her track record hadn’t infused her with confidence. All she wanted was to make the right choice. Couldn’t someone just tell her? Was that too much to ask?
Finn pulled into the driveway and parked. “I’ll walk you home.”
Her knee-jerk reaction was to protest, but she caught herself. He was being gallant, and she liked it. He would do the same for his ninety-year-old grandmother if he had one. Calm down. He’s just being Finn.
They proceeded to have the most mundane conversation they’d ever had. The weather got them halfway there. Then they talked about when and where they’d go Christmas shopping and who they’d shop for. If this had been a first date, Annie would have had doubts. But it’s not a first date. Why are you even comparing it to a date? Maybe it was the electric charge that practically arced between them? They had walked this walk dozens—maybe hundreds—of times. And yet this was different.
They stopped outside the door. Annie unlocked it and turned back. She was going to ask him in for a beer or a coffee, but when she looked into his eyes, her brain went numb. She was all nerve endings and wild emotions.
He gazed at her until she thought she’d melt into the door. “It feels…”
Exhilarating? Romantic?
“Weird.” A bashful smile started to form on his lips. “Doesn’t it?”
Annie took in the view for a moment—really nice lips, full and in perfect proportion to the rest of his face.
He continued, “I mean, we’ve been next door every summer all these years, but we’ve been caught up in our separate lives. It’s been a long time since we’ve spent time together like this—like we used to.”
“We grew up. Everything changed.”
His eyes bored through her. So much for the I’m a strong woman with everything under control vibe she’d been trying to project. If he so much as touched her, she might melt or fall in a dead faint.
He said, “But the connection is still there.”
For one dizzying moment, she almost managed a nod.
Finn leaned his shoulder against the door frame. “If you think of how much we’ve changed, it only makes sense that our friendship would change along with it.”
“It has.” Annie was relieved to hear that her voice didn’t reveal all the turmoil inside.
Finn’s eyes locked on her. “I just wonder… Do you ever wonder…”
Annie lifted her eyebrows as if that would help him finish his thought.
“What if?”
If she didn’t feel so awkward, she would’ve burst out laughing. What if? Have I ever wondered what if? As if that weren’t her favorite pastime for, oh, maybe from the age of twelve until… now. “What if… what?” Breathe.
“What if us? What if we…” His eyes trailed down to her lips.
She didn’t mean to part her lips in response. But her lips had gone rogue along with the rest of her body. What if we… kissed?
He leaned closer. She leaned into him.
Blinding headlights covered them in a blaze of white light. Either they’d crossed over, and that was the bright light they should follow, or it was a car pulling into the driveway for a late-evening visit.
Finn exhaled with enough exasperation to fill Annie with hope that he’d wanted the kiss as much as she had. Doors opened on both sides of the car.
“Mom?”
“Ella.” No one had ever told Annie that the awful timing children had would continue long into adulthood.
Ella pulled her overnight bag from the back seat, slammed the car door, and marched toward the cottage. Connor hung back, arms crossed over his chest.<
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Finn said, “Connor? What’s going on?”
Connor leveled an icy look at his father.
Ella asked, “Mom, can I just go inside, please?”
Only then did Annie realize that she was blocking the door. “Oh, sorry.” She glanced at Finn with a helpless shrug.
He met her look with his own unvoiced frustration. “Good night, Annie.”
Annie watched him turn and follow Connor back to his cabin.
Why? Why me?
10
Ella sat at the kitchen table while Annie made coffee. “There’s nothing to talk about. Our marriage is just not working out.”
“What happened to ‘you’ve been together for four years and have known each other all your lives’?”
“Yeah, I thought I knew him, but marriage is different, I guess.”
Annie scooped the coffee grounds into the filter, turned on the coffee maker, then leaned on the counter, facing Ella. “How so?”
Ella narrowed her eyes. “I don’t know. He’s changed.”
“In a week?” Annie forced the shocked look off her face. This was clearly a crisis for Ella, and she didn’t want to make her feel judged. She remembered how difficult her own marriage had been, but Connor was different. He couldn’t be anything like Matt. “Have you tried waiting until you’ve both calmed down and then trying to talk?”
“Having a talk about how you just blew up something doesn’t mean you can put it back together.”
“That sounds a little extreme.”
“How hard is it to get an annulment?”
Annie hoped she wasn’t serious, but Ella sure wasn’t smiling. “I don’t know what’s in the wedding vows that you said in Las Vegas, but usually, there’s something in there like till death do you part.”
“Ella muttered, “Don’t give me any ideas.” But she lifted her eyes to her mother’s wide eyes, and a hint of a smile teased her mouth.
Annie poured two cups of coffee and handed one to Ella. “Have you thought about counseling?”
Ella stared at her mother as if she were nuts. “That’s why I’m here!”
Annie inwardly squirmed. “I’m not really trained for this sort of thing, and it sounds like you need a professional.”
“Did you ever see one?”
“No. And see how that worked out?” She smiled gently, and it worked. Ella smiled back, but only briefly.
“Ella, I love you, and I want to help. I will if I can. But there are people who actually know what they’re talking about when it comes to this stuff.”
Ella shook her head, so Annie didn’t pursue it. “Does Connor feel the same way?”
“I’m pretty sure he hates me.”
“It seems to me it should take longer than this to work up a good case of hatred against the person you’ve just married.”
Ella’s eyebrows looked stuck in a creased position. “Connor is a very quick study.”
Annie took a sip of coffee and glanced out the window at Finn’s cabin. Were he and Connor having the same conversation? “So, whose idea was it to come here?”
“Mine. I was going to drive here by myself, but Connor said I was too upset to drive, so he drove me, which obviously means he wasn’t upset. Which means he hates me.”
Annie squinted. “I don’t think so.” She had a strong urge to laugh, but that would have been the worst thing to do. Somehow, she managed to keep a straight face. “You might be missing a few links in that chain of logic.”
“Well, maybe I’m not explaining it well, but the end result is the same.”
Annie gave her a questioning look.
“He hates me,” Ella said.
Annie nodded. “He must hate you a lot to drive up here from Mahopac just to make sure you got here safely.”
Ella wasn’t buying it. “No, he’s got that unfailing sense of duty and honor, just like his father.”
Annie smiled. She had a point there. Finn was the kind of guy who helped people and did the right thing, no matter how it inconvenienced him. She had watched Connor grow up. She might not have been in favor of his hasty marriage to Ella, but Connor wouldn’t have done it if he didn’t love her. Annie had a feeling that they’d just gotten ahead of themselves. “My mother used to say, ‘Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.’ I thought she was brilliant until I discovered it’s in the Bible. It’s not bad advice.”
Ella gave Annie a dose of her old teenager disdain. “Don’t look now, but it’s dark out, so too late for that.”
Annie said wryly, “They went to bed early back then.”
Ella looked at her mother and wrinkled her face.
Annie said, “Go talk to him.”
Ella heaved a sigh. “I don’t know. I’m too tired to argue. Couldn’t I just rest up and start again in the morning?”
A knock sounded on the kitchen door. Connor’s muffled voice called out, “Ella?” If Stanley Kowalski had been sheepish, he would have sounded exactly like Connor.
Annie peered at Ella with a questioning look and received a reluctant nod in return. After Annie let Connor in, she felt a sudden desire to be anywhere else. The cottage was small, and those two needed privacy to hash out their issues. Finn was involved in all this as much as she was, so comparing notes might fill in some of the gaps in the story. Convinced it might help resolve matters, she grabbed her jacket from a hook by the door and headed over to Finn’s.
But as she arrived on Finn’s stoop, she relived the moments before Ella and Connor pulled into the driveway.
Do you ever wonder what if?
She hadn’t knocked yet. There was still time to slink home and hide out in her bedroom. But what if Finn saw her on the way over? Ordinarily, she’d assume that he hadn’t, but with Connor at her place, he might look out the window and wonder how things were going. But he might not have looked out the exact moment Annie crossed the driveway to his yard. And there was no snow on the ground, so she wouldn’t even leave any footprints. Still, if he did happen to see her walk over and back, it would make things even weirder than they already were. Logic aside, the idea to flee was tempting.
Finn opened the door and stepped aside, gesturing for her to come in, which she did. “So, what’s going on over there? I figure by now, they’re either killing each other or having newlywed sex all over your cottage.”
“Ew!” She was too appalled to even consider the look on her face, but Finn laughed.
“Finn! It’s not funny. It’s gross.” She walked to the window and looked toward her cottage. “I’d like to think it’s not just a binary choice. There must be other options along that continuum.”
With twinkling eyes, Finn said, “You’re right. They’re probably just making out in the food-prep area of your kitchen.”
Any scowled. “Thanks. You know, I came here for support.”
He laughed. “Oh, come on! Don’t lie to me. You came here to escape!”
She didn’t know how he could find this so funny. She was upset and dismayed—and a dozen other emotions. But he did have a point. “Maybe a little. Seriously, I thought they needed some privacy. Who wants to fight when their mother-in-law is standing there? Oh my gosh.”
At least he stopped smiling. “What?”
“I’m a mother-in-law.”
“So? I’m a father-in-law.”
He wasn’t getting this at all. “Nobody makes jokes about fathers-in-law.”
He tilted his head, conceding her point. But then he crossed his arms and put his fist under his chin as though he were deep in thought. “Hmm. Why is that?”
Seeing where this was going, Annie said, “I’m not like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like whatever it is mothers-in-law act like that makes people not like them.” She was being serious, and it bothered her that he wasn’t.
Finn put his hands on her shoulders. “I’m kidding. You’re not like that. Come on, let’s go sit down.”
While Annie sat on the sofa, Finn added a log to t
he fire. When it was sufficiently blazing, he sat down beside her. “Do you know what I think?”
She lifted doubtful eyes to meet his but didn’t answer.
“I think you worry too much. If those two made it through college, they can probably figure out marriage.”
“We didn’t.” That sounded weird. “I mean our two marriages didn’t work out so well.”
For someone who had taken everything pretty lightly until now, Finn was suddenly serious. “No, but those two are different.”
“I hope so.”
“They can’t do much worse than Georgina and I did.”
That wasn’t exactly breaking news. Finn and his wife weren’t the sort to make big scenes in public, but there were little things Annie had noticed. Finn would walk out the back door and head for the creek. A few minutes later, his wife would come out, search the trees that lined the creek, and apparently give up and go back inside. It might’ve been nothing, but Annie always got the impression they’d been arguing. Annie wasn’t big on public displays of affection, either, but those two never touched. They’d looked like two coworkers raising a child.
Over the years, Annie had done her best to lock the Matt years away where she wouldn’t have to think about them. But now it all seemed to come back. “I don’t think Matt and I would’ve made it.”
Finn didn’t look surprised.
“I used to wonder what he thought, but then one day, I realized he didn’t think about me at all.”
“I never liked him. To be honest, I never understood why you married him.”
Annie did, but she couldn’t explain it to Finn. Without meaning to, and without ever knowing, Finn had broken her heart. She took care to keep that out of her explanation. “Matt swept me off my feet. He was bigger than life, and at that point in mine, that looked pretty appealing. I should’ve taken the time to get to know him better. Then I would’ve figured it out—at least I hope I would have. But one day, he completely surprised me and said, ‘Let’s get married.’ Before I recovered from that, he said, ‘Let’s run away and get married this weekend!’”