by Alexa Riley
“You help build this place? It’s so nice, it looks brand new,” I say as I sign on the dotted line.
“Yeah.” I hear a touch of sadness in his voice and I glance up at him. He’s looking around the place as if he’s remembering things about it.
“Why build a home and then not enjoy it?” I hand him back his pen and his copy of the agreement.
“Sometimes life is a fucking bitch,” he says as he shakes his head in disgust. It makes me wonder what happened here.
“Isn’t that the truth,” I mumble in agreement. Life really could be messed up.
“Here are the keys and the code to the alarm.” He hands everything over and I set them down on the counter next to me. “Keys to the SUV are hanging there.” He points to a hook hanging next to the door that leads to a garage. “Take any room you want, but I suggest the master.”
“I can move in right now?” I ask, surprised.
“Yep. Use the SUV to help move your stuff, or some of the guys from the LR crew can help after their shift tonight,” he offers. He’s being more than nice to me.
“I don’t have much. I can manage it on my own, but thanks for the offer.” It’s sweet of him. Maybe my luck is changing. This is almost too good to be true, but how much bad can keep happening? I cringe at my own question.
Rocco’s proof that things can get worse and then I feel guilty. I want to talk to him so badly that I sent in a request to see him. I haven’t gotten word yet if it’s been granted or not because he has to agree to it, and he likely hates me. Why wouldn’t he?
“If you need anything you have my number.” Mike points to the paper that has the alarm code on it and his number is next to it. I already had it from when I’d called about the place but I nod. “You can call me day or night for anything you need. I’ll make sure you get it.”
“Thanks.”
He gives me one last look before he walks out the front door and leaves me standing in the house alone. How can you feel like you do and don’t belong somewhere? That’s the feeling settling over me right now.
“Alarm, Liz,” I hear Mike say from the other side of the door.
I walk over and hit the code then lock the door. I lean up against it, knowing I need to go get my crap and get out of that hotel. Looking at the almost empty house makes the ache in my chest grow. It looks like a home where a family would live. That’s something I thought one day I might have. One that I would make so different from the one I was raised in.
Rocco’s dark eyes flash through my mind and I remember the whispers in the courtroom. Some saying Gabe got what was coming to him but they still thought Rocco was scary. That he’d gone too far.
I didn’t see it, no matter how long I started at him. He wouldn’t glance my way, but I didn’t see a scary man when I looked at him. All I saw was an enormous guardian angel who saved me that day.
I need to see him so I can talk to him. Maybe that’s selfish of me, but I feel that I have to explain to him how thankful I am that he saved me and how wrong it is he’s in jail. Maybe I could write him a letter and ask him to grant my request to come there.
I wipe away the tears that fall and I know I won’t stop reaching out to him until he lets me face him. Who knows what would have been left of me by the time Gabe was finished?
Rocco may not have felt the same thing I did that day when his eyes locked with mine, but I have to try. I don’t care how long his sentence is, I’ll wait forever for him if he’ll let me.
Chapter 4
Rocco
It’s been a week since I turned down her request to see me and I still haven’t gotten over it. I can’t look into those eyes that saw straight through me while I’m behind bars. I’m sure she just wants to say something about saving her or thanking me and I don’t need to look at her to know that. I’m not strong enough to see her and walk back into my cell. Could any man?
She’s always on my mind in everything thing I do. I’ve done all I can from the inside to take care of things for her, and I have to just know that’s what I can control. Thoughts of things happening to her while I can’t keep my eyes on her plague me when I go to sleep at night. That’s when I wonder if I’ve made all of this up in my mind and it’s more than she thinks it was.
That’s all I need, me tripping over myself like a fool while she looks at me in disgust. That’s why I had to turn down the request for a visit. I don’t need the disappointment while I’m locked up. It will only eat at me for as long as I’m in here.
I’m allowed an hour a day outside and I usually spend it walking the perimeter of the fence. I want to stretch my legs and walk as much as I can before I go back into my cell. The sun is out today and I take my shirt off while I walk. That’s one thing I liked about working construction. On the days when we were down a man, I’d haul lumber or hammer in a roof. I liked being outside with the sun on my back and feeling like I earned what I made that day.
Some of the guys in the yard watch me as I do my laps, but my size and overall appearance keep them from approaching me. It won’t last long, but I’m glad to have the peace and quiet for now.
The alarm sounds when the hour is over and we have to line up to go back inside. I’m not ready to leave but I have no choice and I pull my shirt on before I’m led back to my cell.
When the door slams shut behind me and the locks engage, I turn around and face my cot and see that there’s something on it. It’s a small white envelope with cursive writing on the front of it.
I walk over and pick it up and see it’s a letter from Lizzy. My hand shakes so badly I drop it back onto my threadbare blanket and take a small step back. That’s all the room I have to get away from it before I’m hitting a wall.
I don’t know how long I stand there and stare at it before it gets the better of me and I sit down on the bed and open it up. I almost tear the thing in half with my clumsy hands. I’m like a bear trying to fold tissue paper, but eventually I get it.
My eyes scan the paper and I see her beautiful penmanship. She writes like a princess and I lie back on my cot to soak in every word.
Dear Rocco,
I sent you a request to come see you but I never heard back. It’s hard to know if you got the request or you rejected it. Either way, I thought maybe this might be the better solution for now, at least until I can see you in person and say what it is that’s been on my heart the past weeks.
Thank you for saving me that day from Gabe. I know that you did everything to protect me and I don’t know how I can ever repay you for what you did. I don’t blame you and I think you being in jail is just awful.
I was at the courtroom the day you were sentenced and it broke my heart hearing the judge issue the punishment. It’s not fair, and I’ve written to our state senators to look over your trial and see if justice was served. I don’t know if it will do any good, but every day I call and leave messages with their office staff. I feel like eventually someone will look into it because of how annoying I can be. Well, maybe not annoying, but persistent? I like to look at the positive in every situation, but I’m having a hard time seeing it with you sitting behind bars.
This is all just a jumbled mess in my head and I’ve got so much to tell you, but maybe you’d rather I let this go. I don’t know who else to turn to and I need you to know that your actions weren’t in vain.
You saved me that day, Rocco. I can’t think about what would have happened to me if you hadn’t shown up and come to my rescue. I keep thinking of you as my guardian angel, and when I think about you with a pair of wings on it makes me smile.
I’ll always think of you as the man who saved my life and the man who sacrificed himself and his freedom so that I could walk free. You will never know how truly grateful I am, and I’d love a chance to talk to you more and get to know you better.
I hope this makes it to you, and I hope you write back. But if you don’t, no hard feelings. I’ll be forever yours.
The one you saved,
Lizzy
I run my fingers over the letters and picture her sitting at a desk with the sun shining down on her as she writes it. I read it again quickly and then once more, slower this time. I spend hours analyzing every word and her sentence structure. I think over what she’s saying and what else she might mean and what I’m going to say when I write back.
Will I write back?
I shake my head at my own question because of course I will. I can’t not send her a letter back and have her think that her words fell on deaf ears. What she said moved something inside of me and now there is a place in my chest with her name on it.
When the next guard comes through on patrol I ask for pen and paper and he informs me that I’ll have to wait until tomorrow. I stare at him for a long moment then decide that I can’t wait that long. I bribe him with some cash and cigarettes even though I don’t smoke and I get the stuff I need right away. That’s the only way to get shit done in a prison.
He gives me a stack of paper and it’s a good thing. I’m not great at spelling or writing at all and this is probably the first letter I’ve written to someone since I was in elementary school. I have a lot of scribbles on the first draft, but by the time I’m finished I think I have it right.
Now I just have to wait and see if she replies. Good thing I’ve got nothing but time on my hands.
Chapter 5
Lizzy
There’s a sweet old lady that lives next door to me named Mrs. Honey. She has an older son who comes by once a week to bring her groceries and take out the trash, but other than that she’s alone a lot.
We chatted a few times before she invited me over for tea one day and now we spend a lot of time together. She likes to show me pictures of her teenage grandchildren and talk about how she wishes they’d visit more. I never had grandparents with my parents having me so late in life. I can’t imagine not wanting to spend time with Mrs. Honey because she’s one of the sweetest ladies I’ve ever met.
Class is short today because of the bad weather coming and I stop by the store on the way home to pick up a few things for me and Mrs. Honey just in case we get snowed in. It’s nice having someone to talk to, and I think she likes fussing over me.
I drove the SUV today, and I’m glad I did because by the time I get out of class it’s already beginning to sleet. I make a quick trip to the store with everyone else in the town to get my milk and bread. I don’t know why, but I guess that’s what you buy when it starts snowing.
At first I was just planning on walking to school or taking the bus since it was so close, but the weather has gotten worse and it’s been a godsend to have the SUV in the garage.
“I’m here, Mrs. Honey!” I call out as I come through the back door and into the kitchen.
“Oh, Liz, I can’t believe you were out in this weather. You didn’t have to make a special trip just for me, did you?”
“No, of course not,” I say, even though I kind of did. It doesn’t matter though, I got myself a few treats anyway, so it was worth it. “Did they come by and fill up your propane yet?”
“Yes, Phillip called and had them come out today and asked if there was anything I needed.” Her son might not come by a lot, but he does call and check on her. “I told him you were going to the store for me, and he said that he’ll leave some money for you on Wednesday when he comes by.”
“Thank you.” I tried to refuse the money before but she seemed hurt that I wouldn't take it. I decided that it would be easier to accept it, and being on a fixed budget, I couldn’t really turn it down much longer.
“How was class today?” she asks as she goes over to the pot on the stove and pours me some hot chocolate.
“It was great. I got to dissect a pig!” She turns around with wide eyes and I realize I might be the only one excited by this news. “Sorry, it was just a big day and I did really well.”
“That’s wonderful, dear. Congratulations.” I can see that she tries to stay positive as she hides her shock and horror and it almost makes me laugh.
“How was your day today? Did Patricia have the baby?” I ask as I take the warm mug and bring it to my lips.
“She did, but then Stefano switched it with Kim’s baby and now I’m afraid they’re going to take her to Canada and hide her with the mafia.”
I have to bite my lip to keep from laughing because she takes her daytime soap operas very seriously. I nod along as she tells me the new storyline this week and I love to see how excited she gets when recounting it. We talk for a long time and laugh together. It’s one of the best parts of my day and I’m so thankful that I’m right next door to her.
“I made some extra soup for you to take home tonight. It’s going to get cold, so don’t stay too long,” Mrs. Honey says as she passes me a large Tupperware container of homemade chicken noodle.
“I think I can manage the quick walk without freezing to death,” I say, grabbing my coat and putting it on. “You be sure and call me if your power goes out or you need anything. I don’t plan on going anywhere tonight, but I’ll come over in the morning and we can finish watching season four of the Great British Baking Show.”
“Oh, if only I was your age, I’d chase down that Paul Hollywood and make a man out of him.”
“Mrs. Honey!” I shriek as I nearly double over with laughter. She winks at me and opens the back door, and I walk out.
I wait for a second until I hear the door lock and then go back to my place, shaking my head. She’s always such a hoot.
Before I go inside I grab the mail and tuck it under my arm. As soon as I open the door I go straight for the alarm and enter my code, then lock the door and set the alarm again. The house is warm and feels cozy on such a cold night, and not for the first time I’m thankful that I’ve got this place.
I set the mail on the kitchen counter and go hang up my coat. After that I set the soup on the counter and grab a bowl from the cupboard. I spoon some out and pop it in the microwave as my stomach growls. While I’m waiting I sort through the mail, which is mostly junk and addressed to the construction company.
The last thing on the bottom is a small letter that the ink has been smudged on. When I look to see where it’s from I notice the stamp in the corner has the name of the prison Rocco was sent to.
I gasp and nearly drop the letter in my speed to get it open. The microwave dings, but I ignore it as I take a seat at the bar and spread out the piece of paper.
The whole thing looks like it’s been smudged, but I wonder if that’s just his way of writing. When I see my name at the top I want to let my excitement bubble up, but I’m afraid to have too much hope.
Lizzy,
I’m not great at writing, so I’ll do my best. I got your request for a visit and I’m sorry but I had to turn it down. I’m not sure what you think you’ll see if you’re face to face with me, but I don’t think it will be anything good.
I know you were in the courtroom and I couldn’t bring myself to look at you. Maybe that makes me a coward, but the image of you scared on the street was enough to haunt me for a lifetime and I didn’t want to add to that at my sentencing.
Thank you for looking into my case and trying to find me some kind of justice, but I’m where I belong for what I did. I think you might be the only person on the planet that thinks what I did was heroic, but I’d do it all over again to save you.
You deserve to have closure on this and if I can give it to you I will. I wish I would have finished the job with that piece of shit for ever daring to put his hands on you. No man should get to touch something so innocent, including me.
Don’t look at me like some guardian angel because I don’t deserve it. I’m just a man who saw you in need and took care of business. Maybe there was more to it, but there’s nothing I can do about that now.
I don’t know what else to say, but I’ve read your letter about a hundred times and probably will read it a hundred more before this one gets to you. If you want to keep writing, I won’t send them back. But I ca
n’t see you like this, not now at least.
You may not realize it, but in a way you’re the one that saved me. I might be behind bars, but I wasn’t alive before the moment I saw you.
The one you saved,
Rocco
I set the letter down on the counter and for some reason I want to cry. I stare into space as I try to process all that he’s said and what it all means. I saved him? My heart pounds in my chest and when the microwave beeps again I nearly fall over on the stool.
I put my hand over my heart and blink a few times before I get up and rush over to my desk for pen and paper. If he wants another letter, then I’ll make sure he’s getting one every single day.
Chapter 6
Lizzy
I glance at the envelope that’s peeking out from inside of my purse and pray I got at least one picture right. I have no idea what came over me when I thought it would be a good idea to send a picture of myself. I went online and read the rules of what was allowed to be sent and knew a simple headshot would be fine. It’s what I wanted to send anyway, so it worked out.
Over the past week I’ve sent a letter to Rocco every day. It’s the one thing I know that I can do from here. Maybe he won't agree to see me yet, but I hope with time maybe I can talk him into it. One thing has gone around and around in my mind and it’s him thinking I ever had a frightened look on my face when I saw him. I hate that he thought that and I’m on a mission to show him that’s not true.
I went to the store and bought a disposable camera and I was surprised when I found one because I didn't know if they made them anymore. I ended up taking all twenty-four pictures, praying that one turned out good. I knew if I tried to do it with my phone I’d end up taking a million and wouldn’t like any of them. This way I had twenty-four to pick from and I had to decide which was best. I also wanted the picture to be real without filters or bunny ears or a crown. No matter how much I love those things, I want him to see me. I want him to see the look in my eyes I got when I thought about him.