by Malka Adler
We stood crowded in the car, like wet matches without a head. A cold wind traveled between the cars, got into our shirts and peeled off our skin. I wanted to sit on the floor to escape the wind and the cold. The stink coming from below didn’t bother me. I dug my elbow into the back of a prisoner standing in front of me, signaled Dov, I’m sitting down, and then the rain stopped. I raised my head and wanted to shout to Dov, we have sunshine, we have sunshine, and I didn’t shout. From a distance a convoy of black dots approached the train. It had wings. A few seconds then a loud boom, and a droning, and a dense volley of machine guns, like a rabble of birds with diarrhea.
The train stopped immediately. I rose to my feet and saw that the scenery had changed while I was sitting. We were in a construction area. The German guards screamed something and jumped down. Dov and I jumped after them. We hid behind a brick wall with a pipe at the side.
Not far from us an SSman without a dog took shelter. A fat SSman. I couldn’t keep my eyes off him. The SSman heard us moving but couldn’t see anything. We stayed closed to the wall, thinner than the pipe beside us. The SSman looked and looked, but found nothing. He put some planks next to the wall like an armchair, put a handkerchief on the tall plank and made himself comfortable. After a time, he took out a canteen and drank and drank until he’d had enough and wiped his mouth. Then he removed his backpack. Opened it and rattled about inside. I saw him take out canned food. Looked at the tin and put it back. Took out another tin. I stopped breathing. I bent down, stuck my nails into my leg so it wouldn’t itch and I waited.
In the meantime a bomb fell, hitting the train and the prisoners. I pulled Dov. We lay down and covered our heads. The side of the train shattered, dropping a sea of prisoners on us, pieces of whom came flying, wrapped in pajamas. These pieces fell on our heads and backs, bloody blows everywhere. Blood with pieces of wood and lumps of flesh in pajamas. I wanted to vomit but didn’t leave the fat SSman. He was fiddling with his backpack as if he was sitting in a pleasant garden with flowers raining down on him from above. He held the tin and cleaned the lid. My heart was beating like a hammer on a nail. I got up on all fours, my face towards the SSman and I saw Dov also standing. I wanted to tug at his shirt but he had already taken a few steps away from me, he raised his hands and began to make strange gestures. He seemed to be directing the airplanes to the train. He shouted to the airplanes, come closer, closer, closer, signaling to the right. The noise of the airplanes was dreadful, but I still heard him shouting to them, to the right, nu, to the right, don’t you understand?
I thought I’d die. I gestured to him with a finger to my head, called out, are you mad, and he smiled at me, continuing to direct the traffic in the sky. In the meantime the SSman opened the canned food. I looked at Dov. I wanted to shout to him, stop it, stop, but then, about ten meters away, I saw two other prisoners with their hands up. They also began to direct airplanes like Dov. One did everything Dov did with his hands and the other took off his hat, marking a place on the ground for every bomb. He finished marking the place and laughed hoarsely. Another sign and more laughter then, finally, he took down his trousers, showing the bombs the mark of his non-existent ass. I was certain that in a few minutes the plane would take us all. The two prisoners weighed barely thirty kilos each. Their knees jumped as if they were sending strength to their hands, a lot of strength and joy. I saw Dov encouraging them like a big strong king with personality and strength. He became healthy and successful in joyful company. Said, good, good, you’re good, good. The best, and he smiled a broad smile.
In the meantime the fat SSman was wiping a knife and fork on his kerchief.
Another three prisoners came up to Dov and began to direct the airplanes beside him. One of them climbed onto a large stone, making great circular motions with his arms and laughing with a black mouth. A few more laughed with one another, making faces even though the firing was less. Dov was strengthened by his new friends. He shouted to the airplanes to return quickly, you haven’t finished with the train, nu, come on, come on and the airplanes indeed came back and then Dov became a Messiah. They said to him, Messiah. Messiah. You’re our Messiah.
I left them.
I stuck to the fat SSman. The large box was open on his leg. He lifted the box and began to eat. I tightened the belt on my trousers. Drawing strength from my empty belly I jumped on him. Grabbed the box. Poured the food inside my shirt. Threw the box aside and ran like a madman to the last car on the train. I didn’t care about the machine guns. I didn’t care about SSmen with rifles. One thing was on my mind. Guard the package smeared on my chest.
I stopped at the last car. Put a hand on my navel. Under my shirt I could feel damp pieces. I looked back. The fat German was sitting on his planks. Held another box on his knee. Dov’s friends continued to direct airplanes. I pulled the shirt away from my body. A sharp smell of meat pinched my nose. My nose ran. I was so excited I felt the hair on my body standing on end. It was the first time I’d smelled meat since leaving home. I ran back in Dov’s direction. Called him, but he didn’t hear. He was stuck to the sky, shouting at airplanes, come back, come back, we aren’t done. Then he clapped his hands.
I said to him, listen hard, we need to get onto the train, but Dov didn’t move. He’d locked onto the friends who stood beside him, saying confidently, wait a bit, the last plane will come soon. They looked at him and waited patiently. I took out a small piece of meat, approached him and stuck it in his nostril. He opened his mouth wide, folded his arms on his chest and stuck to me. I whispered, I have meat for us, but first we have to go away from here. Dov thrust his hand into my pocket and began making sounds, mmmmm mmmmm. I whispered, be careful. At least twenty SSmen had gathered near the train. They pointed at the car that had taken the hardest bombing and yelled in exasperation. I signaled, bend down, and dragged him to a distant car.
Dov got on first, I followed. The car was empty. We sat close together. I thrust my hand into the shirt and gave my brother a piece of meat. He swallowed without chewing and looked at me. His cheeks were wet. I took a handful for myself and saw prisoners climbing into our car. At least three had blood on their faces. I heard SSmen screaming and shooting with rifles, I knew I had to be careful. In the car were at least five dangerous prisoners. I signaled to Dov with a finger on my mouth, and we set off.
I put a hand on my belly and began to itch. I waited. I put a thumb and a finger into the shirt. Cut part of the meat. I rolled it slowly like a ball and closed my fist. Pulled my hand out of my shirt, in the direction of my ass. Waited. I carefully moved my hand back, found Dov’s hand. A warm, trembling hand. I passed the meat to him and pressed his hand. Whispered, wait.
A tall prisoner towered over me with steely eyes. Dov didn’t move. The prisoner bent his head for a second and Dov raised his hand and swallowed the meat. I took a piece for myself. I raised my hand to my mouth and boom. A blow to the head. How could I have forgotten the smell? The meat had a sharp smell. I stopped immediately. I could feel myself leaking into my pants and knew that if the prisoners smelled meat they’d tear me to pieces. I started digging with my foot in the straw on the floor. I wanted to find the smell of shit. There wasn’t a strong enough smell. I said to myself, calm down, the car is open and there’s plenty of air. We went on eating cautiously until we’d finished the lot.
I felt good.
Dov’s cheeks had reddened and I felt like shitting. I held back and managed to fall asleep.
Chapter 22
Dov
My brother Yitzhak fed me like a bird.
The meat tasted like the Garden of Eden and I wanted a few more turns with my hands. The eyes of the tall prisoner opposite me told me I must be cautious. After about quarter of an hour, we finished eating. My body warmed up. I wanted to sleep and saw a yellow picture. In the picture was a nest of chicks I found on a branch of a tree in the forest. I couldn’t remember when it happened. In the nest were three chicks. Three tiny balls of brown wool with a splash of yellow
near the beak. I saw myself lying on one of the branches, waiting for the mother.
A medium sized bird arrived at the nest. She held a fat worm in her beak. Three chicks fell upon her, cheeping like maniacs. She tore pieces of the worm and put it into their mouths. The chicks pushed one another, wanting to be closest to the mother. I saw that the fat chick won. He stepped on the other two and grabbed almost all the pieces. I wanted to rip off his head. I didn’t interfere. That evening I told mother what had happened. Mother said the strongest always win. In my heart, I decided to be strong.
I went to the forest, hung from a branch of a tree and did exercises. I touched the branch with my chin at least twenty times. I also did pushups. My muscles swelled in my upper arms and I was satisfied. I began beating up the goy kids who started with me. They’d yell, Yid, go to Palestine, get out of here, Yid. It was on the way to school. I wasn’t afraid of them. I beat them up all right. Sometimes I got beaten up, even injured, and didn’t tell the teacher at school. I just trained for longer and longer hours. I got on quite well with the goy kids. It didn’t help me in the camps.
The terrible sound of machine guns woke us.
The noise shrilled in my ears. Another bombing.
My brother Yitzhak put his hands on my ears, looked steadily at me, and then took my hand and said, we’re jumping. The train stopped. The Germans were screaming, you’re forbidden to get off, forbidden, jumped off the train, we after them. A few others jumped. Most of the prisoners stayed on the train. My brother and I hid under one of the cars. It was hell around us. Dense fire sprayed the train. Pulverized trees like a lawn mower. Boards flew up and fell like bombs on the car. I heard prisoners crying, oy, Mamaleh, oy Papaleh, oy Grandma, poor chaps, they remained like that.
And then I saw my brother Yitzhak holding his belly, doubling over and shouting like everyone else, oy, oy, oy, I’m dying of pain. I couldn’t see any blood. But I was alarmed, God, he’s been hit in the belly.
I shouted, what happened, what happened.
He cried, my belly, I have to shit.
I yelled into his ear, so shit then, and get it over with.
He said, can’t, I’m bursting, and pulled down his trousers, sat on the rail, pressing hard, and nothing came out. He wept, I’m dead, dead, screwed up his face and pressed, ay. Ay. His neck almost exploded, his eyes bulged out, his ass was dry. I thought, poor guy, his ass is blocked, what do we do, what do we do. I was afraid, he’d explode inside and his intestines would spill out.
I yelled, no. No. No. You aren’t going to die on me here, what do we do, tell me. He didn’t say. I grabbed my head and started hitting myself, yelling, you have to save him. And then I had an idea. A stick, yes, I’ll find a stick and push it up his ass. Maybe we can free the block with a stick. I yelled into my brother’s ear, wait, wait, I’m going to look for a stick and we’ll open up the blockage.
My brother grabbed my trousers, weeping, don’t leave me, stay with me. And then he stood up and hit his belly hard several times. I caught his hands, held him and we pressed together, ayyy.
Finally, something came out. I looked down. There was a tiny piece of feces, like sheep feces. Yitzhak sighed, it’s because of the meat. My body isn’t used to meat. All right, doesn’t hurt.
I wiped his face with the sleeve of my shirt, said, phewww, you scared me. He held my shoulder and laughed.
In those days our bodies were dry as peanut shells. The bread we were given every few days wasn’t even enough for one simple bowel movement. Only our guards ate well and would leave whole packages in the bushes. We saw them eating more than they needed. They opened boxes and bottles in piles and we stepped on their packages in the forest.
Chapter 23
Yitzhak
The train stopped around noon. We were given an order, everyone get down, quickly, quickly.
The Germans had to use force for us to agree to get down. We got down near a forest in a place without a name. As we got down from the train, there weren’t many of us left, we were less than half the number that left the gates of Buchenwald. Even those who were still alive weren’t really alive, but nonetheless they had enough strength not to get down from the train in the forest, in the place with no name. Even the blows from clubs and rifles, the dogs and the curses, didn’t affect prisoners whose bodies were already three quarters finished. One prisoner had only half a face. Another prisoner was missing a shoulder. He screamed with pain until a thin SSman spat at him and dug his boot into his face, and pressed, and turned, and that was that. Another prisoner sat on the floor of the car and wept, leave me alone, leave me alone, don’t want to get down. He remained in the car, his mouth smashed and his tongue rolling out, without a nose. I lost two nails because of the rifles raining down on all of us.
Finally, we all stood in line.
At first I was hot. Because of the urine in my trousers. We had no bucket for our needs in the car. Then I began to feel shivers, like a fever. Perhaps because of the damp air coming from the forest. Perhaps because of the prisoners who looked as if they were after a pogrom. I wanted to vomit. I breathed deeply, exhaling hot air onto the flesh without nails.
SSman screamed, stand straight, don’t slouch.
I saw heavy mist among village houses and a dark forest. The tops of enormous trees touched the sky. The prisoner next to me with an Adam’s apple the size of a tennis ball bounced it again and again. He had an abundance of fluids and I wanted to ask him, pray for us, pray, because this will be everyone’s grave.
Rain began to fall. The rain was not as dark as the prisoner’s tears. My legs began to tremble. I looked for Dov’s hand and we held hands.
And then we were given the order to enter the forest.
I was certain, the SSmen were preparing us for the firing party. They’d had enough wandering about like idiots, enough. For how long can one wander about in trains, and walk the roads without a reason. We entered the forest maybe a hundred or more prisoners, don’t exactly remember. It was rather dark and wet in the forest with a sharp smell like cooked vegetables. After about a hundred meters, SSman shouted, stop. We stopped. The SSman called, don’t scatter, don’t sit down, and he left. We stood among huge trees that blocked the light. Nonetheless, we felt the rain. On my back I had a blanket. I took it off and gave my brother a corner to hold. I look around.
Dov said, shall we call the brothers to help us hold the blanket?
I asked, what brothers?
He said, the two who lay with me in the bunk at Buchenwald.
I said, what are you talking about, Buchenwald is far away.
He said, nu, so what, they’re here, there they are, d’you see the two facing us, near the broken branch, nu, look, I know them. I was sure Dov was dreaming. He caught my head and turned it in the direction of two prisoners as small and thin as us. The two looked at us and whispered to each other. Dov held out a thin hand and called, come, come, this is my brother, have you forgotten? The two approached.
One had a large head, one eye, and a dent in his forehead. The other limped and crumpled the edge of his shirt in his hand. He smiled with his mouth closed and fell upon Dov, hugging him like a papaleh. Dov was alarmed, said, oy, what’s this, are you all right?
The brother with the dent on his forehead dragged his brother back, saying, sorry, he’s forgotten how to speak. Ask me.
There was nothing to ask. I gave a corner of the blanket to each brother, we stretched the blanket like a tent and crowded into the middle. The rain dripped on the blanket and splashed to the sides. Everything was heavy, apart from my teeth that danced clack clack in my mouth. I rubbed my mouth with my free hand. The skin on my palm was as lined as mother’s hands after doing the laundry. I hit my leg. I felt a warm prickling from the knee down. Then came a paralysis that rose and settled in my ass. I felt as if my body began from the waist up. Every few minutes I looked at Dov, whispered, soon we’ll go to sleep, we’re holding up, yes?
He said, yes. I looked at the brothers. O
ne was silent, his face to the ground, the other smiled. I saw that other prisoners stood like us with a blanket over their heads. Some prayed with their lips. I understood by the motions of their bodies. There were some who slept standing against a tree trunk. Water ran off them like a weak tap. No one sat. The tension was great.
After about half an hour, I couldn’t feel my chest or the hand holding the blanket. I tried to fart, nothing. That’s it, I’m paralyzed. I glanced at Dov. He was standing a little crookedly, rubbing his forehead, didn’t stop. I saw skin missing. The brother who’d forgotten how to speak was crying with a smile on his face. The brother with a dent on his forehead said, soon, soon we’ll go to sleep.
Three SSmen were standing not far from us. They looked satisfied. I didn’t want to see them. I changed direction and then came a large boom. Tach. I jumped in alarm and saw a prisoner lying on the grass beside a nearby tree. He had a huge hole in his belly. He pulled up his shirt and looked at his belly. His intestines were spilling out onto the grass, black with blood. He screamed, save me. Save me. I felt I was about to faint. I made myself bite my hand, I looked at Dov. Signaled, nothing to do with us.
SSman with a rifle in his hand approached the wounded prisoner.
He had a wet cigarette in his mouth. He stood over him, observing motionlessly. Dov continued to scratch his forehead. I glanced back. The limping brother stopped his crying. He opened his mouth wide and rolled his eyes upward, there was white there. I saw his brother putting out a hand to cover his face. The wounded prisoner held out a white hand to the SSman and wept, kill me. Please, sir, I’m dying, dying.
The SSman didn’t budge.
The wounded prisoner dug his nails into the mud, pulling up grass, howling like an animal, I can’t bear it, press the trigger, please, one bullet, sir.
The cigarette in the mouth of the SSman disintegrated in the rain, fell. The SSman stood like marble column. Not a muscle moved in his face. He kept the rifle aimed at the prisoner, looking at him.