Love Letters from a Teen Heartthrob

by Q. T. Valentine

  So let’s skip the poetry and let me tell you something new. When I saw you walking down the hall towards me the other day, the whole world seemed to slow down and I wondered if my heart would stop.

  You are so breathtakingly beautiful sometimes I think school attendance is hazardous to my health. But as long as you keep going to school I don’t think even near fatal pneumonia could keep me from showing up just to see you. (Although I am tempted to create a sticker for you to put on your forehead that acts as a Surgeon General’s warning that long gazes upon you may be hazardous to my health and everyone else’s health too because I can’t imagine that I’m the only one here at school that feels this way about you.)

  So the next time you see anyone gazing a bit longer at you than might be normal, you may want to go easy on us as we are simply mesmerized by your sheer attractiveness.

  Love,

  Your Secret Admirer

  October 10

  You:

  Your friend, G.A., called me last night, as you may have heard. She is a very interesting conversationalist. Did you know that she can make twenty-three different varieties of piglet shaped animal balloons? It was news to me that there was more than one way to make one. Very interesting . . .

  I’m not trying to insult your friend. I just didn’t know that someone could be so interested in telling someone else about so many different ways to tie animal balloons. And in case you’re ever wondering, no, I don’t think I’d be interested in dating someone like her anytime soon. Not that you were wondering.

  Or maybe I should put this another way. If you ever get the idea from her that she likes me, or if anyone spreads a rumor that she and I are dating, try and let her down easy because I’m not sure I would get the chance to if she gets a second wind of telling me about how many ways she can make a new variety of animal balloons.

  I really don’t mean to be cruel. I’m just not sure what rumors will fly since I seem to attract them with every new girl that comes into my life. Sometimes I just wish people would be more interested in their own love lives than so focused on mine (or the actual lack thereof).

  Speaking of love lives, are you interested in anyone? Just wondering.

  See you soon!

  Me

  October 21

  You:

  Last night P.J. and I spoke on the phone. She told me that once several years back that you guys were hanging over at your house and that your mom freaked out when you guys were getting a snack in the kitchen. You were just getting a piece of cheese and your mom yelled not to eat it because you were “going to get fat.” Okay. Even though I’ve never met your mom before, although I don’t mean to disrespect your mom, that ticks me off for two reasons.

  First, you’re not fat. I know you say you’re not thin and I’m glad you’re not some twig because frankly I wouldn’t want to hang out with a girl that might break in two if we were riding bikes together and for whatever reason she fell off.

  As strange as this may seem, I’d much rather have a girlfriend that might need to lose some weight than a pencil thin twig. (And I know that we’re not dating but I’m just saying what

  I prefer if the truth be known.) So don’t listen to anyone that tells you that you’re fat because you’re not. You probably have a healthy weight and that's attractive.

  I think you look great just as you are. And those stupid women’s fashion magazines that insist that every woman absolutely must be able to fit underneath a door in the event of a fire to safely escape is just nonsense. I’m exaggerating about the ability to fit underneath a door but you get what I mean.

  Secondly, P.J. isn’t exactly thin so I think that’s a bit rude of your mom to make P.J. feel fat like that. Who knows why P.J. struggles with her weight like she does but she shouldn’t be made to feel like she’s an outcast or someone to avoid looking like because her weight is not the only thing that makes her who she is.

  You’ve heard me say it before. I think P.J. is super pretty even though she’s heavier than most senior girls. If I could ever take her out on a date I probably would. She’s very pretty even if she has an imperfect body that the world says should be disgusting. I like her and I’m shocked that your mom would be so rude to a guest in your home and very likely cause you to feel uncomfortable as well.

  Now that I’ve said that, I don’t feel the fact that I shared part of our conversation last night with you that this makes this gossip. To me, gossip is to talk about someone else’s problems without any intentions of helping to solve them but to talk about them for entertainment purposes or to cause oneself to feel better than the one being talked about (such as just for ego or pride).

  I’ve told you what I heard so that you know how I feel about when people call someone else fat and I think that you are not fat and that it’s wrong for someone to call someone else fat – even when it’s true.

  So I’m a bit steamed over that conversation last night and again I hope you understand I’m not trying to be disrespectful of your mom.

  Maybe the guy that falls in love with you and wants to someday marry you should be advised to elope with you to avoid hearing your mom freak out over the wedding cake that might make someone fat.

  What do you think about eloping?

  Me

  P.S. Don’t get me wrong, but that was not a marriage proposal just now.

  October 30

  You:

  It’s been over a week and you can’t let that question about eloping go. I’m not trying to say that I don’t want a mother-in-law. That’s not what I was saying.

  I know you’re half-teasing about it but really, your mom and I have not gotten off to a very good start so far and I haven’t even met her yet. Not that we’re dating because obviously we’re not. And the eloping thing was simply a question for you to consider for whomever you marry – I never said that I wanted to elope with you. But boy, if there was ever a way to guarantee that I would never get invited to your home or would never be welcomed by your parents, just tell them I asked you about eloping.

  Your dad doesn’t have a gun does he? I’m just trying to stay safe.

  Anyhoo . . .can we drop the eloping bit for now?

  So you said J was wondering about how a guy lets a girl know if he likes her or not. Then you asked me how I let a girl know I like her or not. Guys are different in a lot of ways but we all have the same interest: girls (unless a guy is gay and then he likes guys. So far there have only been two guys that have ever liked me. One of them is a good friend now since he knows I’m straight and he respects that).

  Some of us are “fast” with a use-them-and-abuse-them-and-then-dump-em-to-lose-them mentality where basically all we’re doing is smooth talking a girl to get her to have sex with us and then we’re done with her and ready to find a new girl to do it to all over again.

  Jerks like that are a dead giveaway because they’ll give up and stop faking their insincere flattery and smooth talking to move onto another girl once he’s heard no from her about sex a few times (unless he’s a bigger jerk that date rapes). But guys like me tend to take things slow (we don’t push for sex with a young lady before marriage) when we really like someone.

  The best way to know if a guy is really in love is by how nervous she makes him whenever she’s around. The more nervous we are when we’re near a girl we like or when we’re on the phone with her then the more we like her. But some of us are better at hiding our nerves than others. (Hint.)

  Most guys aren’t as chatty as I am which may be why most guys don’t write notes. (Generally speaking, guys that like to talk will also like to write.) I bring this up because if a guy is more talkative then he’s more likely to show his nervousness by talking about mindless stuff or silly stuff or maybe he talks really fast to a girl he likes. Guys that are quieter or less talkative might be even more quiet around a girl they really like.

  And those of us that are really serious about a girl will start thinking abou
t college and what it will take to adequately provide for a gorgeous wife that may have a reasonably difficult mother-in-law.

  For example, I read about a smart way to choose the right career so that whomever I marry never needs to worry about money because I’ll earn enough to take care of both of our needs and our children’s needs. There’s an article about “The Financial Math of Hope vs. Despair” at AlexOpalstone.com that I looked at recently. It talks about thinking about emergency savings and smart investing and other expenses first before thinking about living expenses so that way you plan on having a sufficient amount for income needs in a marriage.

  Needless to say that since I’ve read that article I have a much better chance of making the right choices and believing in my own ability to succeed than had I never read it so my future wife will be well taken care of by me whenever I eventually marry.

  I think it will be easier to strive to earn a half a million or more a year for true financial security than it would be to struggle as most people do living paycheck to paycheck their whole lives. I don’t want to live paycheck to paycheck and have my wife worry about money or not have enough saved quickly enough for whenever emergencies happen and a lot of money is suddenly needed to solve a serious problem.

  It’s just like that saying, “Life happens.” So I think my future wife and I will sleep better when we’re adequately prepared.

  And besides, I want to be able to donate more generously to the charities I like. So many of them are dependent upon most of their donations from people living paycheck to paycheck and can't give very much.

  If I earn plenty of money then not only will I have a truly self-sufficient income but I'll set a good example for others and hopefully more people will do the same. In fact, I think I'll even encourage people for the rest of my life to learn how to earn a great income so that they can be self-reliant and donate generously and hopefully they'll teach others how to do the same.

  And, by the way, even though becoming rich will make me all the more attractive to most women, that's not the ultimate driving force behind my motivation to be prosperous.

  Does that answer your question?

  I know what you’re thinking. Guys are weird about sex. Yes, some of us are but not all of us. Some of us do our best to be decent and to show girls and women proper respect. Those lessons to get us to be decent have to be drilled into us over and over starting at a young age though or we never learn and then it’s those guys that become real monsters.

  If I ever do anything that offends you or is disrespectful to you or not decent in some way to you then I would hope you would tell me so that I could have the opportunity to correct it. You’re certainly worth it and so is our friendship.

  Are you going to the party this Friday? I’ll show up if you do. So let me know. I heard it’s costume optional.

  Most likely I won’t dress in a costume but I’ll just show up dressed normal. (Although I heard from my gay friend that the shirt I wore yesterday really didn’t quite match with the rest of my outfit and so it “frightened” him so maybe I’ll just wear that and if it scares people at the party then I can just claim it’s my costume.)

  See you!

  Me

  Chapter 3: The November Chapter

  [Third anonymous note you find in your locker.]

  November 4

  Recently I saw a clip from the movie “A Street Car Named Desire” where Marlon Brando goes out in the middle of the night over to the home of a girl he’s passionately crushing over (in love) and he starts yelling outside beneath her window calling her name. I never understood before what that was all about . . . until I met you.

  Sometimes I feel I absolutely must see you; I must be with you, talk with you, hold you – kiss you – just you and I together alone. And yet I know that these feelings must be a two-way street where you want the same thing with me too.

  I also don’t want to disrespect you by pushing temptation on you to do what we believe in our God-loving hearts to be wrong. And, of course, you still don’t even know who I am because I don’t have the guts to tell you yet. So I just wanted to tell you that after seeing that movie scene again, “I get it. I really get it now.”

  But don’t worry. I’m controlling my thoughts. I’m doing all that I can to resist having a “Street Car” moment so I don’t freak out you and your parents in the middle of the night simply because you are so gorgeously beautiful.

  Love,

  Your Secret Admirer

  …I’m being careful to avoid the thorny paths of lust

  Fearing to awaken within you

  The lion that slumbers in your soul…

  November 5

  You:

  So you say someone has been putting secret notes in your locker lately and you’re wondering if I might know who the person is that keeps doing it. That’s a good question.

  Are they creepy notes? Are they handwritten? Or are they typed and printed? Are they pleasant notes? Do they ever mention cows? Do they ever mention hula hoops? Do they ever mention singing? Do they ever mention cows that are doing hula hoops and singing?

  I’m sorry. I’m not trying to make fun of you. Really. The most important question is to know if any of these notes are creeping you out because then I’ll have to find out who it is and kick his a _ _. But if they don’t creep you out, depending upon what these notes say, I might just be tempted to kick him in his butt anyway – perhaps while he’s looking in the mirror so he can see me kick him in his butt.

  So let me know a little more about the actual notes themselves and what your intuition tells you is going on and that may help me to get you an answer more quickly. (And hopefully it will be an accurate answer – and one that you like.)

  It’s great to see you at school today! (Not that it wasn’t before. It’s always great to see you at school. So don’t think it’s ever not been great to see you. Because if I ever gave you the impression that maybe it hasn’t been great to see you then that simply wouldn’t be true. I mean, maybe you may have thought that I gave you such an impression but if I did I certainly never intended to because it’s always great to see you. Okay. Now I’m rambling. Time to go.)

  Later!

  Me

  November 12

  You:

  After thinking a lot and doing my own special investigating I think I may know who the guy is that is putting these messages in your locker. But there’s a problem. He isn’t ready for you to know who he is. And since you say they are all pleasant notes and you don’t see any of them as “creepy” per say, then I think I should respect his privacy by not telling you who I think it is and when he’s ready to tell you then he’ll tell you.

  You also said you just wanted to know, if we couldn’t figure it out yet, if he’s an ugly guy or someone that might be creepy even though nothing he’s written is creepy yet. So this much I will say: if it’s the guy that I think it is (and I’m pretty sure it is) then I can tell you that a lot of girls like him so at least he’s not exactly “unattractive.”

  As far as whether or not he’s creepy personality-wise I think he’s a pretty good guy. He’s a God-loving Christian. That much I know. He even likes the fine art photographic works of Everett Staley – just like you. (I checked out TheArtistDude.com and there’s some cool stuff there. You’re right. Staley has high quality art and I heard he has high morals too.)

  But if you decide you don’t want any more secret admirer notes then I can pass that message along to him and then you just tell me if you still get more notes anyway because if you do then I’ve got the wrong guy and I need to find the right one and go kick him in the butt (in front of a mirror, of course).

  Shall we sit together again at lunch today? Hopefully I’ll see you then!

  Later!

  Me

  [4th anonymous note put in your locker.]

  November 22

  Has anyone driven over to your home in the middle of the night and g
one beneath your window calling out your name? Because if they did, just so you know, I didn’t do it. (You see I told you I could control myself.) That certainly isn’t to say that you are any less beautiful but only that I see you as so incredibly beautiful that I can control those “Street Car” desires so far.

  But if for some reason that changes then you’ll know because I’ll be outside your window in the middle of the night calling your name probably only to find that the next thing you see is the police quickly pulling up with red and blue lights flashing and sirens blaring as they quickly haul me away in handcuffs because I’m disturbing the peace (and breaking curfew).

  For some reason that image of me being hauled away while calling out your name isn’t very romantic. Maybe you’ll agree. So I’m pretty sure I won’t be doing that anytime soon.

  I might, however, sing you a song about butterflies, hula hoops and butter and maple syrup covered pancakes under a canopy of stars – with your parents consent, of course. (Not that the butterflies and hula hoops would be actually on the pancakes because obviously nobody eats butterflies or hula hoops but they would be just on the side, you know, like entertainment. . . or ambiance. . . like the stars . . . never mind.)