Anxiety filled him as he glanced back over his shoulder to where the others were laughing and doing donuts in their fast new snowmobiles.
“Ethan,” Chloe called.
When he looked back at her she was extending her hand and without hesitation he took it and climbed aboard.
Chloe grinned and wrapped his arms around her waist. “Hold on tight and don’t let go unless I tell you to, okay?”
He took a deep breath and nodded.
Chloe, I don’t think I could let go now if I wanted to.
Chloe
By the time they reached Pine Ridge, Chloe was certain the sound of Ethan’s laughter was more than enough to keep her warm for an eternity. It was just one more piece of him she’d found irresistibly attractive. He was sparing with his smiles and even more so with his laughter, so when she got a rare laugh it created a pull in her chest that she was beginning to crave.
There were so many pieces to this boy who held onto her with a grip of steel, and she found she wanted to learn about each of them. The only hesitation chipping away at her joy was their timeline. Ethan wasn’t hers. He was only here for a few days and if she let things go too far both of them would end up more broken than ever. And that was the last thing she wanted for him.
She shook the thought away and cranked the throttle. Ethan gripped her tighter, chasing away her fears.
They reached the peak much later than everyone else, but Chloe didn’t mind. She kind of liked that their snowmobile was slower. It gave her and Ethan time to themselves. They hadn’t really been able to talk. It was too hard to hear over the roar of the engine and the hiss of snow and trees that flew by in a blur. But still, it was nice to just be with him. Even in the quiet moments she spent with him, Chloe found herself liking him more and more.
When they finally climbed off their snowmobile, everyone was finishing the meal Brady had packed. Chloe noticed there was more than enough food for all of them. A tiny seed of anger settled in her stomach when she remembered how ready Brady had been to exclude Ethan from today’s excursion.
It was true Brady didn’t know what Ethan had been through, but then again that might not have changed his mind. It was one of the things Chloe liked least about Brady. He was usually so focused on himself that he didn’t notice what others were going through. He certainly hadn’t noticed that he’d destroyed her when he dumped her in front of everyone at school.
Chloe tried to push the memory away. She’d told him she’d forgiven him and she’d meant it. But that didn’t instantly erase the pain that still lived in her heart. It seemed to grow worse in his presence, making Chloe wonder if it would ever go away.
Perhaps once someone you trust hurts you in a way you never could’ve fathomed, no amount of forgiveness can make you forget the pain.
She looked at Brady, searching him with new eyes. He’d apologized to her and she appreciated it, but it didn’t change the fact that a part of her would never be the same. He’d broken her trust and though she was grateful to have him back in her life as a friend, she knew with sudden clarity that they could never be more again.
Strangely, that realization was freeing. And as she watched him chatting easily with Owen she saw Brady in a different light. He was attractive, yes. But beyond his physical appearance, she found herself wondering why she’d ever thought he was the be-all, end-all.
She and Brady had very little in common other than the location of their homes. He didn’t have the depth she craved. Everything was at face value with Brady. At first, Chloe thought that was a good thing. It was nice to know what he was thinking at all times. But now as she watched him clearly excluding Ethan from the conversation he was having with Owen, she hated what she read on Brady’s face—supremacy.
Chloe glanced at Ethan. He was so much different than Brady, and even Owen. It was harder for him to let people in. But then again, there was something special about that. Chloe liked that she’d had to earn enough trust to be privy to his thoughts and feelings.
Now, observing the way Ethan stood off to the side, watching everyone, waiting, she knew it wasn’t because he was standoffish or had a superiority complex. Others might mistake it for that, but Chloe knew better. She understood what held him back. It was fear. He’d been cast out so many times that it left a permanent scar.
Unlike Brady, Ethan didn’t know where he belonged in a group. It wasn’t any wonder why. He was abandoned over and over by those who were supposed to be there for him—his birth parents, his adoptive parents, possibly even Owen.
Owen certainly wasn’t showing any signs of the pain Ethan carried. Chloe couldn’t help wondering why that was. There was so much more Chloe wanted to know about the brothers. But the apprehensive look in Ethan’s eyes told her that right now it was more important to let him know why she invited him to come with her.
“Ethan, are you hungry?” she asked, walking around the snowmobile.
He nodded.
Chloe grabbed one of the foil-wrapped breakfast sandwiches and passed it to Ethan.
He unwrapped it. “Do you want half?”
“No thanks.”
“She’s a vegetarian,” Brady added, butting into their conversation.
Ethan took a bite of his sandwich. “Well, good thing you brought her a ham and cheese sandwich then.”
Brady looked livid. “I brought more than that, but you guys took so long getting here we ate the fruit I packed.”
“It’s okay,” Chloe interjected. “I brought my own stuff,” she said, pulling a granola bar and apple from her pocket.
Brady huffed and walked back over to his snowmobile muttering under his breath. When he was gone, Chloe relaxed a little. She was glad to see Ethan was contently eating his sandwich. She knew he had to be starving. All he’d had since lunch yesterday was the hot cocoa she’d made him last night.
Suddenly, her comment from dinner came rushing back to her. ‘Didn’t your mom ever make chili?’
She groaned internally. She was such an idiot. Way to bring up the fact that he didn’t have a mother to cook him meals, Clo.
His reaction made more sense now. Wanting desperately to make it up to him, Chloe patted the empty spot on the snowmobile next to her. She wanted to make sure he knew she was there for him.
It was Christmas Eve. Today couldn’t be easy for him and it was important to Chloe that he knew he wasn’t alone.
Ethan hesitantly moved toward her, but Brady returned from his sled and slid into the empty spot next to Chloe before Ethan got a chance.
“So,” Brady said slinging a heavy arm around her neck. “Who wants to race to the ice fields?”
“Oh my God!” Margot exclaimed. “We haven’t done that since we were kids. This place brings back memories. I need to come up here more often.”
Brady looked slyly at Chloe. “We were up here not too long ago, remember, Clo?”
Chloe’s cheeks heated. Of course she remembered. It was one of the first nights they’d spent together when they were dating. They’d taken Brady’s quad up to the peak and watched the sunset. They hadn’t seen much of it though since they were too busy exploring each other.
Embarrassment and shame mixed in her stomach making her lose her appetite. She didn’t want to think about that night or all the other nights that she’d been stupid enough to give herself to a boy who’d so easily given her away when someone better came along. She desperately wanted to change the subject but for the life of her couldn’t think of a thing to say.
It was silly. She knew no one else would get Brady’s reference, but she still hated the fact that he’d brought it up. Whatever game he was playing, she didn’t like it.
“So, what do ya say?” Brady pushed, looking directly at Ethan. “You up for a little friendly competition?”
Chloe shrugged out from under Brady’s arm and walked over to Ethan, offering him some of her water. “Actually, I was thinking I’d show Ethan how to drive on the way back.”
Ethan gave her a r
are, almost-smile. “I’d like that.”
“Good,” she said softly, letting her hand linger on his when he passed the water canteen back.
“Nice. You show him the ropes and then we’ll race,” Brady added.
“I don’t really feel like racing,” Chloe said.
“Fine, I’d rather race the guys anyway,” Brady argued. “You and Margot can time us. What do ya think?” he asked looking back at Margot and Owen. “Margot!” Brady shouted.
Margot pulled her lips away from Owen’s, looking startled. “What?”
Brady growled. “You guys are no fun.”
Margot giggled, placing a peck on Owen’s lips. “I’m having lots of fun,” she said. “How ‘bout you, babe?”
Chloe loved her sister so much in that moment. Sometimes she wished she could be as unapologetic as Margot. The girl went after what she wanted and owned it. Speaking of what she wanted . . . Chloe found her eyes wandering to Ethan’s lips.
“Do you want to take a walk?” she asked.
“Sure.”
24
Ethan
The ice glistened like dangling spires of glass on the bare tree limbs they passed under. Everywhere Ethan looked the world was white and glittering with snow. Yesterday had been a record snowfall for the area.
Ethan found he enjoyed being the first to walk over the freshly fallen snow. It was like he was blazing his own path, heading in a direction of his own making—one without expectations or a past. Sometimes he wished his life could be that way.
He breathed the frigid air in deeply, trying to hold onto this perfect moment. He liked being out in the quiet, snowy world with Chloe. “It’s beautiful out here,” he said.
“It is.”
They walked a little way more before he stopped and turned to face her. “So what did you want to talk about?”
Her gorgeous eyes widened, allowing him to see their full brilliance. “How did you know I wanted to talk?”
Ethan grinned. “You’re pretty easy to read.”
She pouted. “My mom always says she never knows what’s on my mind.”
He huffed a laugh. “I find that hard to believe.”
“Why?”
“Your eyes are like two windows right into your thoughts.”
Chloe crossed her arms. “Okay, smart guy. What am I thinking right now?”
Ethan took his time, enjoying being able to study her unabashed. “You’re thinking that I’m the most interesting guy you’ve ever met, you’re a little bit hungry still since Brady ate your breakfast, and you’re wondering what you ever saw in a douche-nozzle like him in the first place.”
Chloe laughed out loud.
“Spot on?” he teased.
“Surprisingly, some of that is pretty accurate.”
Ethan arched an eyebrow, impressed that she was admitting he’d pegged her. “Which parts?”
“If you can read me so easily, shouldn’t you be telling me?”
Ethan studied her again, not liking what he saw. “You’re worried about me.”
He saw confirmation in Chloe’s eyes. “I am,” she said, quietly.
Ethan didn’t reply.
“You can really tell what I’m thinking just from looking at my eyes?”
He nodded, growing uncomfortable with where this conversation was heading. He’d been hoping to keep things light after last night had been so serious. Ethan shoved his hands into his pockets and started walking again. Chloe caught up with him and pulled him to a stop.
“I am worried about you,” she said. “Last night . . .”
“I’m sorry,” he interrupted. “Last night was a little much. I don’t usually get like that. It’s just the holidays . . .” He sighed. “They’re never easy.”
“Ethan, I don’t want you to apologize for last night. I wanted to tell you that I’m really glad you opened up to me.”
Her hand tentatively reached for his.
He let her take it.
“I can’t imagine it’s easy to deal with your emotions this time of year and I just wanted you to know that I’m here for you if you need someone to talk to . . . or not talk to,” she added.
It was a struggle to speak around the lump in his throat. “Thank you,” Ethan said, finding himself wishing there was a better way to express his gratitude. This was the second time he’d found himself at a loss for words around Chloe. Saying ‘thank you’ just wasn’t enough to convey what her compassion meant to him.
She smiled at him and squeezed his hand. “Anytime.”
He looked longingly at her lips. You’re making it hard not to fall for you, Chloe.
Ethan wanted to pull her into his arms and kiss her right there beneath the frosted pines. But he knew if he kissed her again it would be all over. He’d already let her in more than he intended. Last night had been a surprise to him. He hadn’t planned to tell Chloe everything but once he had he couldn’t believe how much better he felt. He needed to stop bottling up his emotions and Chloe made it easy for him. Ethan looked at her trying to school his features. What are you doing to me, Chloe?
He enjoyed being with her and talking to her. He wanted to let her in all the way—but should he?
Ethan had come to Pine Island to salvage the little family he had left this Christmas, not tear apart another one, which was surely what would happen if he continued to pursue his feelings for Chloe.
So as usual, Ethan forced his emotions back down and said nothing.
Chloe
Chloe walked side-by-side with Ethan further into the woods. For a while she was quiet, but the silence between them was changing. She could feel him withdrawing and she hated it. After everything he’d shared with her last night and the warmth she’d seen in him this morning she couldn’t let it go. Not when she knew he was hurting and she could do something about it.
“Can I ask you something?” she asked, tentatively.
“If you’d like.”
“Why do you hate chili?”
He stopped walking and looked at her quizzically with his sad eyes. “I don’t hate chili.”
“But at dinner last night . . .”
“That was an overreaction,” he replied, his jaw twitching with tension.
“I didn’t mean to upset you,” she said, recalling her comment. “I mean, by asking why your mom didn’t make chili for you. I just didn’t know you’d lost her.”
A sad expression took over Ethan’s entire face. It twisted a knife in Chloe’s heart to see him like that. Maybe she was wrong. Maybe she was making things worse.
“You didn’t upset me,” he said slowly. “I was already upset.”
“Why?”
Ethan sighed and rubbed a hand across his jaw. “I lied. I have had chili before. Once. With my mother.”
Chloe stayed quiet, waiting for him to continue.
“I was young. We were on a ski trip. She wasn’t feeling well enough to ski so I stayed in the lodge with her. We ordered chili and watched a movie together. Just the two of us.”
Chloe could tell he was working through his emotions.
“It’s one of my favorite memories with her. And until last night, I hadn’t let myself think of it in a very long time.”
“It’s okay to remember her,” Chloe said, softly.
Ethan started to shake his head. “No. No, it’s not. Because when I think of her I miss her and it hurts too much.” He shook his head again. “I can’t explain it. You wouldn’t understand.”
“I might,” she said.
Ethan looked at her with so much hope in his sad green eyes that it nearly cut off her air supply. Please, she prayed, please let me understand. She desperately wanted to be what Ethan needed so she could ease his pain.
“Have you ever lost someone you loved, Chloe?”
She nodded. “My grandpa. He died a few years ago. It was pretty unexpected,” she said, feeling that familiar ache that flooded her chest whenever she thought about him and how much emptier the world felt without h
is booming laughter.
Ethan put his hand over her heart. “That,” he said. “That feeling. It sucks. And it’s what consumes me every time I let myself think of her.”
Chloe nodded. She did understand. “My grandpa had a heart attack. He passed away in his sleep. One day he was there and the next . . .” she trailed off. “I remember thinking that it wasn’t real. Like any minute he’d walk in the door and fill the house with his laughter.” She smiled. “He had the best laugh.”
Ethan was studying her with those sharp green eyes that cut her to the core. When he looked at her like that it made it feel like someone ripped a hole in her chest, exposing her fragile heart to all the dangers of the world.
“How did you move past it?” he asked.
Chloe reached up and placed her hands on either side of his cheeks. “My grandpa was ninety. He had a good life. I can’t compare losing him to you losing your mother. They’re not the same. But what I can tell you is that when I do find myself thinking of him, I let the pain in.”
He closed his eyes. “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
He began to tremble and it wasn’t from the cold. “I’m not as strong as you, Chloe.”
“You’re stronger than you think,” she whispered, kissing his cheek.
Ethan opened his eyes, his desperate stare stealing all the air in her lungs.
Ethan
Ethan opened his eyes and stared desperately at Chloe as he felt the protective walls around his heart cracking and falling away. You make me feel stronger than I am, Chloe. You make me feel everything. And you make me want to fight. You make me want to beat back the depression that wins nearly every daily battle. But you’re not mine, Chloe. You’ll leave me, too. It’s not your fault. Everyone leaves . . .
The Winter Boyfriend: A Stand-Alone YA Contemporary Romance Novel (The Boyfriend Series) Page 13