“Can I have a minute alone with Mac?” I asked.
“Sure thing. Come on, little man, let’s see what’s to eat in this house. I’m starving.” Reid guided JJ out of the room, leaving me alone with Mac.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
“Nothing to thank me for, Ava.” His voice was clipped and hard.
“Of course, there is. You kept JJ safe for me.”
“There’s where you’re wrong. I kept JJ safe for me. You seem to forget that I love JJ too. You think you’re this one woman show, who has to do it all alone. You’re not alone. You never have been. You seem to forget, I promised you and Jacob the day JJ was born to love and protect that boy as if he were my own flesh and blood if something were to happen to either one of you. Fuck Ava, something did happen, and you have slowly stolen that from me. Made me break a promise to my best friend. So, no you do not need to thank me. You wanna thank me, pull your head out of your ass and open your eyes. It. Is. Time.”
Holy crap. Mac had never spoken to me like that before. He was always calm and placating.
“You’re right,” I returned.
There really was nothing to argue. I had done the things he accused me of, and he had made the promise he said he did.
“You finally ready?” he asked.
“Yes,” I answered honestly.
“Thank fuck! You gonna stop pushing me away now too?” Mac challenged.
“Are you going to stop making me go and visit the baby’s marker every year?” I pushed back.
That was the crux of the problem. Every Goddamn year he insisted on ripping my heart out again.
“No,” he stated matter of fact.
“Then no, I’m not ready to stop pushing you away. Every time you take me there it fucking hurts, Mac. Why do you want to continue to remind me that I killed my baby? I don’t want to remember it,” I growled.
“That is why I take you. Every year, I will drag you there until you finally understand that you did not kill your baby. You did nothing wrong. You heard what the doctor told you. You falling down had nothing to do with having an ectopic pregnancy. You didn’t plant that embryo in your fallopian tube. You continue to blame yourself for no reason. And one day when your head is finally out of your ass I do not want you to beat yourself up for not honoring your baby.”
I stared at Mac. He stared back. We were engaged in some sort of adult version of a staring contest. Screw him. What did he know about losing a baby? Nothing, that’s what.
“Ava, that baby was loved. Jacob knew…” Mac stopped. His words hung in the air like a plume of thick smoke ready to choke me.
“He knew? About the baby?”
“Yes,” Mac confirmed. “He knew you were pregnant. You know Jacob though, he would’ve never ruined your fun. He was excited and happy to have another baby. That’s all he talked about the whole day was getting home to you so you could tell him. He loved that baby, Ava.”
My head was spinning, Jacob knew, and Mac kept another secret from me. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You weren’t ready.” That was it. That was all Mac offered.
“I wasn’t ready? And that was your call to make? Who gave you that right?” I yelled uncaring that Reid and JJ were in the other room.
“You can be as mad as you want. I wouldn’t change a thing. You can yell, think I’m a dick, but I know…” Mac stepped closer and lowered his voice. “I know I was doing right by Jacob by protecting you. That’s what he would’ve wanted. You were not ready to know certain things. Jacob knowing about the baby was one of them. You would’ve twisted that shit in your head somehow. Me not telling you that I reached out to Jimmy was another secret I kept. He was a criminal and a jackass. I tried to help him clean his shit up so he could be an uncle. He refused. That was not something you needed to worry about. So again, be as pissed as you want, but Ava, I will always do what I think is right when it comes to you and JJ. You know who gave me that right? Jacob did when he asked me to watch over you and his son.”
“I hate you,” I spit out.
“Doesn’t change a thing for me, Ava. I love you both. You are my family. Nothing you say will change that. I only want what is best for you.”
Mac had a Goddamn retort for everything. Why couldn’t he just tell me to screw off and leave me alone?
“What’s best for me is you not pushing me to do things I don’t want to do and keeping secrets from me,” I told him.
“I beg to differ,” he answered.
Whatever. I didn’t want to argue with him anymore. I wanted my son and a cuddle. I was all out of fight for the night.
“Thanks again, Mac.”
I walked away. I was so over the conversation.
“Anytime, Ava,” Mac said to my back.
Infuriating man. He always had to have the last word. I heard the shrill ring of Mac’s phone and hoped he got a call out so I wouldn’t have to talk to him anymore.
“Hey baby, whatcha got?” I asked JJ when I found him and Reid in the kitchen.
“Reid said you needed to eat. So, I made you your favorite turkey sandwich and a hot chocolate, with extra chocolate sauce and mini marshmallows.” JJ held out a plate for me to see.
“Yo, Reid a word,” Mac called out from the other room.
I breathed a sigh of relief and took the plate from JJ.
“Thanks, honey. You wanna come sit down with me on the couch while I eat?”
Reid skootched past me in the tiny kitchen kissing the top of my head as he went. I didn’t miss JJ’s smile as he watched Reid. Oh hell, I think I needed to have a talk with JJ.
“I’ll bring your hot chocolate.” JJ followed behind me as I made my way into a cozy nook off the side of the kitchen that overlooked the South Bay, with a perfect view of the Golden Gate Bridge to my right.
I wondered whose house this was. It had to have cost a mint. Real estate in Sea Cliff was so far out of my budget I didn’t even know what these houses started at. A house on 25th street with this view at the end of a cul-de-sac had to be at least three times, if not more, what my house in Lake Street was worth.
That reminded me, I would have to start looking for a new house. JJ and I could rent an apartment for a while. I would take JJ’s furniture and the keepsakes I had stored in my garage, but I wanted nothing else from that house. Not my favorite overstuffed couch, not my comfy bed I shared with Jacob, nothing. I’d be happy to burn the rest down. Carl ruined it, all of it.
For the second time in my life, I had to start over.
“Listen JJ, we need to talk,” I started.
“Reid told me,” JJ informed me.
“Told you what exactly?” I asked.
“That he loves us. You and me. And he wouldn’t leave me with Uncle Mac unless he knew I was safe. Because me and you are his life. And he trusts Uncle Mac with his life. Reid told me he would bring you home to me. I wasn’t as scared after that because Reid always keeps his promises. That is what being a man is about, keeping your promises.”
I was stunned. Was my son ten or thirty? I looked at JJ, really looked at the young man he was becoming. He looked so much like Jacob, acted like him too. But now, in his mannerisms, and the way he spoke, I saw a little of Reid in him. Mac too.
I swallowed hard and remembered Mac’s words. I wasn’t alone. I never had been. Mac and Reid had always been by my side. They were both molding and shaping my son into a man that Jacob would be proud of. Jacob had five years with his son. Five years to plant the seeds, but Reid and Mac would be the ones to help those seeds grow.
Damn, I am a bitch. I still didn’t want to go to the baby’s marker. But, Mac was mostly right. A man kept his promises. I had been fighting him every step of the way. Jacob would be mad, Reid will be mad, and I was flat out wrong. Damn, I hated when I was wrong. A big plate of crow looked to be in my near future.
“How do you feel about that?” I asked.
JJ sat for a minute not answering. I thought it might’ve been too so
on to be discussing this in light of the last 48 hours. Maybe this was a conversation best shelved until we could get past this latest crisis.
“Is it wrong that I love Reid and wish he could be my dad?” JJ peeked up at me.
I sucked in a breath, but it still felt like there was no oxygen going to my brain. That was not what I thought JJ was going to ask.
“No, sweetie, it’s not wrong. You know that Reid loves you too,” I reassured JJ.
I wasn’t sure what the swelling in my chest was from, if my heart was breaking for my son, or if Reid had inadvertently glued another piece back together. I wanted nothing more than my son to feel love and peace. I didn’t want him to live with the heavy burden of loss. Even if that was what I had made myself live with.
“You know I will always love your daddy. He was a good person, a good husband, he was the type of man I want you to grow up to be. Your dad will always hold a piece of my heart. But you know what I’ve learned?” I waited for JJ to acknowledge me. “That my heart is big enough to love someone else too. That the part of my heart that I thought would be broken forever is unbroken, and Reid did that. He did that by loving you, he did it by being gentle and patient with me. But most of all he did it when he told my son that he was his whole world. Because, JJ, you are my world too. I only want you to be happy.”
“Do you think Uncle Mac would be mad at me if he knew I wanted Reid to be my dad? I don’t want Uncle Mac to be disappointed in me,” JJ whispered.
“No,” came from the doorway. JJ and I both jumped a mile and turned to see both men filling the entrance to the kitchen area. “I am not mad at you, and JJ you could never disappoint me by loving Reid.” Mac’s voice was sure and hopeful. “Your dad was my best friend. We were as close as brothers. I know your dad would want a good man in your life. A strong man to take care of you and your mom. There is no other man I would trust to love you and your mom the way you deserve to be loved. It’s time to be happy. Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting. Your mom is right, there is more than enough room in both your hearts.”
“Okay,” JJ said, and his face heated red. He was still a little boy that needed guidance and encouragement, but was embarrassed talking about feelings.
“Come here, little man.” That came from Reid. He sounded unusually gruff and quickly cleared his throat. JJ went to Reid on his command and stopped in front of him.
Reid went down on a knee making himself level with JJ. I loved it when he did that. He never made my son feel like he was being talked down to.
“I want you to understand something. I can never take your dad’s place,” he started.
JJ’s head fell forward. I couldn’t see his face because I had his back. What the hell?
“Look at me, son.” JJ’s head slowly came up. “I can never take your dad’s place because your dad was a better man than I could ever hope to be. But, I will promise you this, you let me in, and it’s okay with your mom, I will try my best to live up to his memory and be the best dad I can be. But you have to promise me something, yeah?”
JJ nodded his head enthusiastically.
“Well, two things. First, you never feel bad about talking about your dad to me. If you miss him, if you’re sad, if you just want to hear stories about him. We talk about him. He is the reason I have you, JJ. I will not let him be forgotten in my house.”
“We say his name out loud because a hero should never be forgotten,” JJ interjected.
“Damn right. And your dad is a hero. The second thing, when the time is right, you gotta convince your mama to marry me.”
“Okay,” JJ said jumping up and down.
It was truly amazing how resilient my son was. In the space of an hour, he went from crying on my lap to jumping up and down in excitement. I wasn’t sure if that was how all ten-year-olds were or if that was the power of Reid.
Somehow, I think it was the latter.
24
Aftermath
Austin
Across town…
I used the drive to April and Rick’s house to try and convince myself I could do this. The last time I had to break the news that someone’s loved one had died was when I told my parents Loren was dead. My palms were sweaty, and my heart raced. Damn, I missed my sister. The last 24 hours had fucked with my head. When Reid brought Ava downstairs naked wrapped in a blanket, I thought Carl had violated her. After her outburst in the parking lot, I was positively murderous. Loren had said pretty much the same thing after she was raped. Goddamn, I hated that word. Hated what it meant. I watched as my sister blamed herself. Loren’s decline was fast and furious. First with alcohol to numb her mind, then drugs. Once she started, there was no stopping her.
I had to get away from Ava and let Reid handle his business before I overstepped and said something that I would regret. I knew Reid wouldn’t let Ava get away with the shit talk. I knew he would set her straight, but all the memories and emotions came rushing back. Like a freight train, I couldn’t stop them. Ava wasn’t Loren, and in the end, Reid had gotten to her in time.
The more I thought about what I was going to say to April, the more I started to doubt myself. Put me in a five-on-one bar fight, not a fucking problem. Clean up a crime scene after a scumbag takes one to the head, non-issue. A grieving woman crying… that had my gut in knots. I had never done well with a crying woman, but after I watched my mom grieve and cry for years, I could no longer handle it.
I couldn’t fuck this up. April needed to be taken care of. I couldn’t disappoint my friend. I had to do this. Rick was one of my closest friends, and I had to do this for him. For Reid.
Fuck.
All too soon I pulled to a stop in front of the house. It was barely dawn, and the house was still dark. I sat in the truck and stared at the house. It was a cute little starter house in an older hood of San Fran. Rick bought it only six months before. When he asked April to marry him, he moved them out of the one bedroom apartment into this three-bedroom home. He wanted her to have this. I only know a little about her past, but I do know she had a shit childhood and Rick was determined to make sure she never had shit again.
I wondered if I should wait just a few more hours? Give April a few more hours of peace before I ripped her life out from under her.
You know, the thing is, minutes before your whole world is shattered - when you’re going about your daily life without a care in the world, you don’t know that your life is about to be in ruins. You don’t know you should take those last minutes and savor them, remember them, try your hardest to hold on to that feeling. Because it is about to be gone, forever.
I wanted April to have just a few more minutes. Even if in her sleep, she didn’t know any better. She didn’t know that the man she was getting ready to marry was gone.
I hoped Blaze and Damion were killing Carl Allen in the most painful way possible. And what I wouldn’t give to be in on the action. I knew if I called Damion and asked if I could join them, he’d tell me where they were and gladly give me my shot at him. But, April needed me.
I pushed my thoughts of revenge aside and started towards the house. I wiped my sweaty palms on my pants and blew out one last breath before I knocked. I flinched when my knuckles rapped on the hardwood.
No answer.
Fuck, I hoped I wouldn’t have to stand out here and bang on the door, trying to wake her. Just as I was raising my hand to knock again. April threw open the door, her short blonde hair messy from sleep. She had on her glasses, that I knew she hated wearing because she said they made her look twelve. She was not wrong. Standing in front of me in a pair of rolled up boxers and a T-shirt, she indeed looked years younger than her twenty-four.
Twenty-fucking-four. She was a kid.
“Austin? Hey, you okay? Rick’s on a call out,” April said, her voice rough with sleep.
“Hey, April. Listen, can I come in a minute?”
“Rick okay?” she whispered.
“April, let’s go in the house,” I tried again.
> I saw it. The minute understanding started to dawn. The very second, she went from the blissfully not knowing to the building panic.
“How bad is it this time? Fuck. Just tell me. I’ll be ready in two minutes can you take me to the hospital?” She turned to leave, presumably to go get on clothes so I could take her to Rick.
Jesus Christ.
I used the opportunity to step into the house and close the door. When she turned her head toward the sound of the door slamming, I shook my head no. In two long strides, I ate up the distance between us and pulled her into me, wrapping my arms around her as tight as I could. “April, I am so sorry. So, fucking sorry.”
“Please don’t say it, Austin.” April’s tears were almost my undoing, they had already begun to soak through my shirt.
“I’m sorry,” I said again and continued to rock her in my arms.
In a manic motion, she pulled out of my arms and pushed me away. “Take me to Rick. I want to see him.”
“April, I can’t do that.” Fuck it to hell. Not only would I never take her to see Rick in his current condition, he left explicit instructions not to allow her to see him no matter what condition he was in.
“I don’t believe you. I wanna see him. What hospital is he at?” Her eyes were wild with panic and grief. I didn’t know if she didn’t believe me he was gone, or she couldn’t believe I was being a dick and saying no to her. Either way, she wasn’t leaving this house.
I read Rick’s instructions. We all had a trust on file at the office. As morbid as that sounded, in our line of work, it was necessary. We didn’t have the luxury of thinking about death in the abstract. If something happened to one of us, there was a detailed plan of action. Each of us knew our wishes would be carried out to the letter. Rick’s stated that April was not to see his body. No one other than the crew was to see him. He wanted to be cremated immediately.
“April…”
She cut me off before I could finish. “No. No. No. Stop saying my name. Where is he?”
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