I didn’t know what to say to all of that, so I blurted out the first thing that came to mind. “Don’t say his name. You don’t get to say his name.”
“Yeah, sweetheart, I do.”
“No. You. Don’t. You don’t get to use Jacob’s name.” It was coming, the famous Ava temper was boiling to the surface. Who the fuck did he think he was, using Jacob against me? He didn’t know shit. Jacob would’ve never said any of that to me.
“I do. And I will. Wanna know why? That night you were taken, the very same night both you and JJ heard Jacob. I heard him too. While he was whispering to you and JJ keeping you safe, he was leading me to you. You know what that tells me? I have his blessing. He called you ‘our girl’ and told me to take you home and keep you safe.”
My breath caught in my throat, and I felt lightheaded. I needed a moment to catch my breath but Reid wouldn’t allow it, he just kept laying it out for me. Only now he’d grabbed the back of my neck and forced me to look at him. “Your woman’s dead husband tells you to take our girl home and keep her safe. A man like me, Ava, I take that real serious. I know I’m nothing like Jacob. I never was, I never will be. That isn’t bad, just different. He might’ve sugar coated this for you, cushioned the blow more than I did. But the outcome would’ve been the same. Neither one of us are gonna let you tie yourself in knots and blame yourself for some shit you didn’t do.”
“He talked to you?”
“Yes.”
“Wow.”
I was shocked. I thought I was crazy when I had heard Jacob talking to me, a little less so when JJ told us he had heard Jacob too. Now knowing that he spoke to Reid, I wasn’t sure how to deal with it. Reid tucked me under his chin and let me cry into his chest. This poor man must think I am a babbling idiot as much as I cry on him. My mind was all over the place. I didn’t know what to make of any of it.
In the recesses of my mind, I knew Reid was right.
“I’m not ready.”
“Come again?” Reid’s grip on my neck tightened and I felt his muscles under my cheek jump.
“Logically I know. I know that what’s happened isn’t my fault. I’m just not ready to stop blaming myself,” I explained.
“You are now.”
“It doesn’t work that way. Just because you tell me that, doesn’t mean I’m ready.”
Reid held me tighter and I realized this was him trying to protect me, even from myself. Only he didn’t understand that protecting me from outside threats would be easier than protecting me against my guilt. He was right. Jacob would’ve cushioned his words. He was always thoughtful and gentle with me. He was a different sort of man. Not better, not worse, just different like Reid said. But Reid was wrong about something. While Jacob would’ve protected us from any outside force, he would’ve allowed me to live in my head. He would’ve never forced me out of it. He was too kind to tell me what I was thinking was fucked.
I wasn’t ready to give up my guilt yet, and Reid was going to have to deal. There was nothing he could do to change that.
“Can we go see Suzie now?” I asked.
“You done blaming yourself?”
I thought about lying to end the argument, but when I thought back to what Reid had said about us being a team, I decided on honesty instead. “No. Not yet, but I’m closer.”
“Good. We’ll get you there.”
With a kiss to the top of my head, he pushed the button on the elevator. He didn’t let go of my hand. Not in the elevator, not in the lobby, not in the corridor leading to Suzie’s room. And especially not when I clocked Suzie’s husband coming out of her room with grief clear on his face. Reid held on tight, giving me all the strength he could.
The knot in my stomach was expanding, the impending explosion was near. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea. I doubted Michael would want to see me, and I didn’t know if I was ready to face Suzie.
“Ava, honey, come here,” Michael called out.
I froze. His tone was full of understanding not venom like I’d expected. Reid gave my hand a squeeze and started to let go. As soon as I lost Reid’s hand, I ran into Michael’s awaiting arms.
“I’m sorry. I am so sorry. It’s all my fault, Michael,” I sobbed into his neck.
He was nowhere as tall or broad as Reid. Michael couldn’t tuck me under his chin and cocoon me with his arms. My face rested on his shoulder and my tears rolled down his back.
“Hush, Ava. Nothing is your fault.”
“Suzie…” I cried louder.
Michael continued to hug me and rock me back and forth. I felt Reid come up beside me and Michael passed me over to him. I tucked in and let my tears soak Reid’s shirt. More damn crying. I was so over crying, only I couldn’t stop.
“How is she today? Any updates?” Reid asked over my head.
“The doctor performed a procedure last night to relieve the subdural hematoma. They drilled a burr hole into the side of her head for drainage. The swelling is still worrisome, but to be expected. They set her arm, but when she recovers from the hematoma, she’ll need surgery to fix that. She has an orbital rim fracture, but we won’t know if that will require surgery until the swelling goes down,” Michael explained.
Oh, my God. Oh, My God. Drilled a hole into Suzie’s head. I couldn’t understand how Michael could be so calm, and matter-of-fact when his wife had a hole drilled into her head. Sweet Jesus! I thought I was going to hyperventilate.
I lifted my head off Reid’s now drenched tee and asked, “What is an orbital rim fracture?”
“Her eye socket is broken. It’s the lower edge of the eye rim which affects her cheekbone. All in all, she is lucky. Austin found her in time, and the doctor was able to drain the hematoma. Another few hours she might not have made it,” Michael continued.
I put my head back on Reid’s chest. Thank God Austin was going to get the deposit and found her. Suzie must’ve been so scared.
“Is it done?” Michael weirdly asked, his tone had taken on a hard edge.
“It is,” Reid returned, and hugged me close.
“Can I see her?” I whispered.
“Of course, you can, Ava,” Michael answered.
“Sweetheart, I think you should know…” Reid started.
“I’ll be fine, Reid.” I cut him off and pushed away from his chest.
I looked at the glass wall behind Michael, the curtains were drawn. I couldn’t see in, which was good. That meant the guys wouldn’t be able to see me while I was in there. I was fairly certain I was going to have a breakdown when I saw my friend. I didn’t need them witnessing me crying again.
Michael hit a button on the wall, and the glass door slid open. The first thing that hit me was the sound. Now that the door was open I could hear the monitors beeping and whooshing.
I stepped into the room and put my hand up to stop Reid from following. “I need a moment alone with her.”
His lips pinched together, and he nodded. The door shut behind me, and I was glued in place. Afraid to take a step towards the bed. I needed a moment to fortify myself against the pain of seeing my dearest friend.
When I finally made my way to Suzie’s bedside, I was in total shock. A small patch of hair was shaved around her left ear, I assumed that’s where the doctor had drilled into her head. Her right arm was wrapped in a temporary cast, tubes and wires seemed to be everywhere. But what was most shocking was her face. Suzie was unrecognizable. And for a moment I hoped that I was in the wrong room, that this was not my friend. I wouldn’t have known. I couldn’t distinguish a single feature on her swollen and bruised face.
There was a single chair in the room, next to Suzie’s bedside. Michael had to have pulled it close, sitting there all night long in a bedside vigil for his beloved wife. I sat in Michael’s chair and picked up Suzie’s uninjured hand, careful not to disturb the IV.
“I am so sorry, Suzie. So fucking sorry. This should be me, not you. I don’t know how you’ll ever forgive me.” I held her hand and lowered my head to
the bed, crying again. It was a wonder I still had any tears left. “So sorry, Suzie. I know Michael hates me for what happened to you. Please, Suzie, forgive me. I love you.”
“Nonsense,” came from the doorway. I lifted my head seeing both Reid and Michael, the word, however, came from Michael. “I do not hate you. Never could hate you, Ava. This is not your fault. Carl Allen beat my wife. A man I fucking worked with, a man I considered a brother in blue. This is not on you.”
I nearly jumped out of my seat when a monitor came on hissing and beeping.
“Blood pressure cuff. She’s okay,” Michael explained.
Neither of them moved, allowing me time with Suzie while they stood guard at the door.
“Detective Jones. How is she this afternoon?” a doctor asked, walking past Michael and Reid.
“You tell me, Dr. Sanchez,” Michael replied.
The doctor looked up from the tablet in his hand and smiled at me. “It looks worse than it is,” he said to me. Then he turned back to Michael. “Her vitals look good. Her latest scans show the Decadron is doing its job reducing the swelling. That is very good news. The next twelve hours are still critical. I explained to you last night the risks of the burr hole procedure, but so far, she is responding well. I am highly optimistic. You have a fighter here, Michael. I will start lowering her dose of propofol.”
“What is the propofol used for again?” Michael asked.
“It’s a sedative. Right now, she is heavily sedated. With any brain injury, it is important that the patient not become agitated. We need her comfortable and not feeling any pain, give her some time to rest and heal.”
I no longer tried to keep up with the conversation as the doctor went on about cerebral pressure autoregulation and hypertriglyceridemia. My brain couldn’t even begin to comprehend what he was explaining. I zoned out and held on to the words I could understand, highly optimistic, fighter, good news. I needed those words.
Please God, let Suzie be ok. Please, please, please.
I stared at my friend, guilt and regret tangled in my belly and heart. Why had I kept her at arm’s length over the years? Why was I so fucked up that I never let anyone fully in? No more. As soon as Suzie was better, I was going to open up, be a better friend.
“You ready to go, sweetheart?” Reid gave the back of my neck a squeeze.
Was I ready? No. I wanted to sit here all day and watch over my friend. But I knew it was time to go. Reid and I had another painful stop to make, and I was sure that Michael wanted to be alone with his wife.
We said our goodbyes, and before I could walk away, Michael stopped me. “I want you to listen to me, Ava. Suzie is strong. You heard the doctor, she’s a fighter. We have to hold on to that. She will fight, but we have to give her the strength. When she wakes up, she’ll need you strong. I need you strong. Get it out of your head now that any of this is your fault. I don’t blame you, and I know Suzie would never blame you. You are her best friend. She loves you.”
“Thank you for that, Michael. I’m trying.”
“Good. We’ll see you tomorrow.” Michael smiled at me and exchanged some look with Reid that I couldn’t make out.
Thankfully Reid gave me some space as we exited the hospital, but just as he did when we entered, he held my hand. His silent comfort was all I needed.
He remained quiet on the way to April’s. We pulled into an older neighborhood full of nice houses. Bicycles and toys left on front porches suggested it was a block full of children and young families. Reid’s features turned from thoughtful to hard.
Now it was my turn to offer him support. I just prayed I was strong enough to hold us both together. No. Fuck that, I was strong enough. I would be strong enough because Reid deserved it. He wrapped me up tight behind the shield he created and made me feel safe. I would damn well do the same for him. Even if it broke me later, now was the time he needed me.
Reid parked the car and stared at the house for a moment. I noticed his Range Rover was still parked in front of the house. That had to mean that Austin was still there. Good. April would need a friend. Someone strong that she could lean on.
“She’ll be ok,” I broke the silence.
Reid just nodded his head, his eyes never leaving the house.
“It’ll take time, but she’ll get through it.”
Still nothing from Reid. No words, no movement, nothing.
“We should go in,” I told him.
“How do you know?” he asked.
“Know what?”
“That she’ll be okay.”
“Because she’ll have you by her side to help her pick up the pieces and heal. She’ll have Austin to give her strength when she has none. She’ll have me and JJ to show her there is hope and peace on the other side. I know she’ll be okay, because I am.”
I didn’t need Reid to answer. I only wanted him to know I would also be there for April.
Reid knocked on the door and quickly lowered his hand like the hardwood had burned him. We waited several long seconds before Austin answered. Shit. He looked like hell. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy. He looked like he still hadn’t slept, and his nerves looked to be shot.
I don’t know many men who were emotionally equipped to deal with a grieving woman. I suspected Austin was one of those men who could. But it didn’t mean it wouldn’t take a toll.
Both men stood locked in some sort of manly silent communication that only badass men knew. While they had their telepathic superhuman conversation, I sprang into action. I could be useful here. With Suzie, I had no power to do anything. With April, I knew what she was going through. Been there, done that, had the fucking t-shirt and wall plaque.
“Why don’t you boys go outside and talk? I’ll find April,” I suggested.
“Ava, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Austin said.
“It is, trust me.”
“She’s not doing well. I think maybe you and Reid should come back.”
“No.” I blurted out. “I know you both are big badasses that think you’re always right. I’ll give you that ninety-nine percent of the time you are. But right now, you need to trust me.”
Reid nodded his head, and Austin moved to the side, allowing me entrance to the house.
The first thing I noted was the curtains. They were closed. The house was in near darkness.
Wrong. Way wrong.
I found April curled on the couch, a t-shirt hugged to her chest. Shit. She had to get up.
“April?” I called out softly.
Her eyes opened, but she made no attempt to move.
“I’m Ava.”
Still nothing. I wondered if Austin had given her a sedative. Mac had threatened to have me sedated days after Jacob’s murder.
Now that I was in front of April, I didn’t know what to say. All the confidence I had when I charged past the guys escaped me.
“Reid and Austin will be right back. They’re just outside talking.”
“Will you take me to him?” she whispered.
Shit, crap, damn. I didn’t know what to say to that.
“No, honey. Not yet. We’ll ask Reid when you can go to him.”
She closed her eyes. I wondered if this was how I looked after Mac told me that Jacob was gone. Small, broken, lost.
“Have you eaten?” I inquired.
If I hadn’t been watching her closely I would’ve missed the slight shake of her head.
“You need to. I’ll look in the kitchen and see what you have.”
“No. I don’t want food.”
“I know you don’t. But you need to eat, April.”
“How do you know what I need? I just lost my fiancé. How the fuck do you know anything?” April lashed out.
I waited to reply until I could gather my thoughts. I had two ways of going about this. Jacob’s way, sugar coating the truth and treating her with kid gloves. Or Reid’s way, laying it out for her. Either way was a crap-shoot. I didn’t know April from Adam. I’d never met her.
>
“I know because I’ve been the one laying on the couch clinging to my husband’s tee after he was murdered. I’ve been you, lost, broken, and in so much pain I felt like my insides were being ripped out. You and me, April, we are the same. Women who’ve lost their whole world. Now I’m telling you, you have to get up and eat something.” April’s face paled, and she sat up. “Another thing, we’re opening the curtains and the blinds. You need light in here,” I added as an afterthought.
“I don’t…”
“I know you don’t. I didn’t either. I wanted to lie in the dark and be left alone to my thoughts. I was a one-woman pity party, hating the universe for taking my husband, my son’s father, my unborn child. I lost big…huge. I wanted to lie in the dark and never get up.”
April nodded her head, a fresh set of tears rolled down her eyes. She made no attempt to move or let go of Rick’s tee, but she also didn’t stop me when I opened the curtains flooding the room with light.
“April, I will not lie to you. This is gonna be hard. The hardest. This is gonna hurt like hell. All you’ll be able to do is pray you can get through the day. Do not make it tougher on yourself sitting in the dark. Every day, you have to make the choice to get up. In the beginning, it will be a chore, it will take all of your energy. But you have to get the fuck up, no matter what. As the months pass, it will get easier.”
Unbroken Page 20