by Ella Fields
After staring at her milky brown eyes for a moment that loosened the tension in my jaw, I looked at the doors. “Enter.”
Truin’s cheeks pinkened as the Fae male entered and bowed. “Majesty.” With a nod to Truin, he smirked in a way that spoke of familiarity. “Lady Truin.”
Lady? Stopping before my dressing table, I widened my eyes at Truin, but the witch ducked her head, excusing herself.
Landen’s gaze followed her exit, then swung to me and hardened. “The snow melts.”
Watching the doors close, I pulled the comb through my damp hair. “And?”
Landen’s low urgency collected my attention. “It is too early, my queen.”
Two weeks passed with little speed and a growing current of anxiety.
Atop the second tallest mountain, leaning against Van, I watched the stars begin to wink into place in the sky, the breeze growing cooler with the absence of the sun.
Plucking another wildflower, I handed it to Vanamar, who accepted it with a grunt, a warm huff from his large nostrils dampening my skin. He stilled, and I patted his leg. “Relax, it’s only Berron.”
“Does he seem to care that you reek of Beldine and whatever otherworldly powers you now possess?”
I picked another wildflower, joining it with one in my lap. “If by swishing his tail so violently with excitement when he saw me that he put a hole in his stall wall, then yes, he cares very much.”
Berron chuckled, and I glanced over at him while he let Van sniff his hair. “You look good.” And he did, his dark hair held that familiar sheen, as did his eyes, and he’d gained back the weight and muscle tone he’d lost—not from his short stay in Beldine but from the horrors wrought to him by the Sun Kingdom many months ago.
A different lifetime, it seemed, and one I didn’t know if I still belonged to.
“You always look ravishing, but... something is missing,” Berron said, gazing at me now.
And the way his eyes dulled as he studied me grated. “That’s fairly obvious, isn’t it?” Though my voice was a lot softer than I’d intended for it to be.
“Audra,” Berron said. “Swallow your damned pride already and go get it back.”
“It is not about pride,” I snapped, and Vanamar tensed.
“The realms then? Because you can stay or go or do both if you please, and Raiden will just have to deal—”
“It’s not any of that,” I cut him off, my chest squeezing with that pesky ache. “I do not wish to talk about it.”
“Okay.” Berron gave Vanamar a flower, cursing when the furbane nearly took his finger. “So what will you do then?”
“The winter melts.” I gazed at the sprawling city, my eyes chasing the cobblestoned streets that wound downhill to meet the river and valleys below. The salt from the sea flavored the frigid air, and I inhaled deeply. Home.
“I’ve noticed,” Berron murmured. “Many have.” For this eternally cold kingdom, who knew what the consequences might be if the season shifted after thousands of years.
“I’ve brought Beldine with me.”
“You carry it with you. For now, it is you.”
Allureldin, the Moon Kingdom, had always been my home. It always would be.
But I could live without a place, and though I’d thought differently and fought it at every available opportunity, I couldn’t be without him.
“I know,” I finally conceded. “I need to go back.”
My friend took my hand and held it without words until the moon had climbed high above the castle.
Zadicus
Her lips on his, his opening hers, hands touching her...
I drank some more from the goblet and slammed it down on the table.
It was instinctual, ingrained, and archaic—this need to destroy something that’d laid hands on what hadn’t belonged to him.
But he wasn’t here, and so I was left to rot and wither with a hatred that had no outlet. A hatred that kept jamming up my every thought and true desire.
A hatred that kept me from what I needed most.
I’d always known my queen, my perfect fucking storm, would cut me open and leave me to bleed out. What I never expected was to be forced to stomach it as though it was forgivable all because she’d said so.
Because it was all part of yet another dark plan of hers. A plan that could’ve very well wound up with her being killed.
I’d had no plan, no way out of the mess Ryle had pulled us into, other than taking each harrowing night as it came. I’d had nothing except a past that wanted me dead and a future continuously threatened.
I did nothing.
“You should have seen his face,” Moyra said, a female warrior in the queen’s guard. “Purple and blue, the fates damned idiot.”
I didn’t care but offered a brief smile before draining what remained of my wine. She’d helped herself to a seat beside me in the throne room, halfway down the table. The seat at the head of the table empty.
Wanting to drink and ensure no trouble broke out in Audra’s absence, I didn’t have the heart, or enough fucks to give, to move nor tell Moyra to go away. Rarely did anyone sit near me unless they wanted to discuss politics while skirting the subject of my missing queen.
Moyra leaned closer, her berry and sweat-misted scent clouding me. “As he lay there, blood dripping from his butchered nose, I told him that just because I’m a warrior does not mean he gets to treat me as though I’m not a lady.”
Her words had begun to slur. I nodded, looking down into my empty goblet. “I daresay he’ll give you no more trouble.”
“He asked me to dinner,” she said then, evoking a shocked laugh from me. “Yep,” she said, drinking her ale and thumping it down onto the table. “And I said yes.”
Darkness be damned. I didn’t know whether to laugh or groan.
“The queen.” A pixie ran in, his dark blue hair sailing behind him. “The queen has arrived.”
A moment later, there was a boom high above, hard enough to shake the walls of the throne room, a roar thundering through every open space.
No one moved, and then they all did at once, rushing to tidy up some of the mess upon the long tables and the floor, and returning to their stations.
Kash entered, saw me, and crossed the room. “You coming?”
In answer, I poured myself some more wine and sat back in my seat.
He glowered and turned on his heel, heading to the stairs outside. No doubt to show Audra where to park her beast.
She’d flown here. I shook my head, then sipped. Of course, she had. At least it was safer than coming via boat, even if other creatures in the sky might make a dive for her and Van before realizing who she was.
My eyes closed at the thought, and I downed more wine, forgetting Moyra was there until she said, “She’s your mate.”
I cupped the goblet between my palms, staring down into it once more. “We linked, yes.”
“Same fucking thing,” she said, then remembered who she was talking to, “my prince.”
“She is my mate,” I said, the ache within my chest overpowering the wine’s numbing effect.
“I’m confused.” Moyra swiped the back of her hand across her mouth. “Why not go and greet her, then?”
The doors at the back of the room opened, and I could scent her, could hear the racing beat of her heart before she neared my line of vision. “It would appear I’m too slow,” I drawled.
Moyra gaped at the queen, who was storming our way.
Over the rim of my goblet, I eyed every inch of her. Her midnight dark hair, tugged back into two braids, gave every asshole in the room full view of the art that was her face. Sapphire eyes, lit with winter’s rage, leveled on me and then my unwanted companion.
Looking back at me with pinched red lips, Audra slid her hands over the black velvet of her gown, the matching cloak still flecked with tiny specks of snow. “You look comfortable.”
I refrained from snorting. “Someone had to do the job you ran away from.�
�� I swirled my wine, gazing up at her beneath my lashes. “You left this court, almost the entire realm, in a state of confusion and panic.”
Moyra jumped to her feet, belatedly bowing. “Welcome home, my queen.”
Audra paid her no mind, her simmering eyes steadfast on me. “I need to speak with you.”
I smirked at the formality but set the goblet down and rose from the chair, defiance and anger keeping my limbs from doing as they wished, keeping them from curling around her until all I could taste was her creamy lavender scent and all I could feel was her heart beating in tandem with mine.
“I’m afraid I’m busy,” I said, nodding at both females. “Do excuse me.”
I made haste to the exit before Audra could respond, Kash’s disapproving stare causing my teeth to grind.
Painting was never my first love, but it was one I’d long left behind.
In fact, it’d been so long, I was afraid I wouldn’t remember what to do. But I needed something.
I had to get it out. All of it. As much as I could. I feared I’d scream at the moon each night if I didn’t find a way to release it.
After Audra had fled back to Rosinthe, I’d found myself roaming the halls, avoiding ghosts at every turn, trying to ignore the pain I could almost feel across an ocean, and discovered the set of stairs I’d forgotten about.
I’d climbed them, opening the door to a room filled with smears of paint, canvases both full and empty, and the enormous window with curtained vines.
The last time I’d set foot in this room was after my mother had died, and after pouring my rage and grief onto anything and everything that could be painted, I’d stormed out and never returned.
Darkness only knew where all those paintings were now—not that they’d have been any good.
Likely destroyed, I knew, as well as my other belongings that I’d failed to find while forced to stay and heal in my old chamber.
For the first few nights of Audra’s absence, I’d lost myself among the starlight-splashed textures, the moon shrouding every brushstroke like a much-needed drug to numb the pain.
And then I’d found it. The picture my brother had shown me while I’d been caged like an animal in the dungeon. It’d been tucked against the wall behind two other half-finished paintings as though someone had seen it and thought it was best to hide it a little.
The canvas housing Audra’s naked form.
Rage, unlike any I’d felt before, had the painting incinerated, the colors falling like ash onto the paint-smeared bed within seconds.
Had he had her there, too? I’d been so desperate to know, I’d tried to recapture the image that’d singed itself into my mind by painting it anew to search for clues.
And that was where she found me, staring at my re-creation once more, her heartbeat slowing and her breaths shaking behind me. “We were never on that bed,” she said as though she’d seen the way my attention had been dragged to it before I’d known she’d been watching. “The chaise, but other than sitting together and a kiss before I pulled away and left, nothing happened.”
My fists shook at my sides, the paintbrush falling to the floor.
Soft steps neared, the sound of her picking it up struggling to reach me while I gazed at the green chaise. “He fucked his lovers on the bed, and once or twice, he forced me to watch.”
Fuck. “Audra.”
“You need to know,” she said. “I know you do because while it might hurt, it hurts less than wondering.” Her voice grew stronger, steadier. “Your brother stained this land, almost beyond repair, and I refuse to allow him to do the same to us.”
I swallowed, dipping the brush back into the paint pot.
“Your paintings. Upon the walls at the manor.”
“Some,” I said. “They’re old.” Taken with me from a life I longed to forget.
She guessed at what I didn’t say, and if she was frustrated by my unwillingness to provide more, she didn’t let it show. “You painted growing up. Did Ryle?”
“He tried,” I said before I could help myself. “I had no idea he’d continued until I found my beloved’s nakedness staring back at me through the bars of my cage when I returned.” I stopped, remembering the smug look upon Ryle’s wretched face. “He seemed rather proud of it, though I wasn’t sure if it was the painting or the way he’d gotten you to undress for him.”
“You knew,” she said, a broken whisper. “Yet you made me tell you in my rooms.” I said nothing, refused to, and she watched my every move, then sighed. “Zad, I did what I had to.”
I let the silence stretch and my annoyance fade a little before responding. “Games. You two had that in common. Everything is but a game to be won.”
“Zadicus,” she started.
“It infuriated him to no end,” I decided to go on. “That I held some skill with a brush and paints. A mortal talent for a mortal heart, he’d say.”
“Your heart is anything but mortal, though it is far better than anything I’ve encountered before.”
The brush stilled, as did my every thought.
“And I should think myself stupidly fortunate to call it mine.”
My throat swelled, eyes closing briefly before I reopened them to paint the stars out the window in the hillside.
It grew so quiet, nothing but the sound of our hearts, our breaths, and the near-silent squelch of the brush meeting canvas. It took everything in me to keep my back to her and continue painting something I no longer gave a shit about.
She was right there. She was trying.
And I was stuck in purgatory, unsure how to fucking leave to take back everything I wanted.
“I should have told you,” she finally said, so soft yet so sure. “I should have, but I was scared and hurt. Although the plan might not have worked if you were aware, if others were, I know I still should’ve talked to you, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I let him touch me, and I’m sorry you thought the worst, and I’m sorry I thought I had to let you.”
The brush skidded over the page, ruining it. I didn’t care. Dropping it, I turned around.
Her eyes, wet and pleading, watched me, her hands twisting in her gown with her desperation and discomfort. I could scent it in the air charging through the windows, see it in the small pinching of her lips and in the corners of her eyes.
She hated this, having to do this, but she would do it. She would admit wrong for acts that had saved us all—for something she shouldn’t have to apologize for—and she’d do it for me.
For she thought that was what I needed.
And I did, darkness strangle me, I fucking did. But I was being a bastard. In my self-loathing and disappointment, I’d wanted to blame her—wanted her to show me she wanted me as much as I wanted her. Even though I knew she did. Even though she was the one to keep a level head and see us out of certain disaster.
I’d known, and I’d always been grateful for all she felt for me but wouldn’t readily show. That was, until we’d arrived here, and I’d lost my damned mind through fear and jealousy.
I couldn’t talk, didn’t know what to say, how to make her stop when my hungry heart wanted to hear more, all the while knowing I was torturing her.
“I cannot remain here,” she rasped. “And I cannot go back. I will not be in any realm where I have no home.” Stepping forward, she stopped before me and took my slackened hand in hers, a lone tear falling down her cheek while I lost myself in her eyes. “You are my home, Zadicus Allblood, so it is my turn to beg of you to stop locking me out.”
Removing my hand from hers, I watched as dismay crept into her eyes, and then shock when I grasped her cheek within it, my thumb brushing away the wet. “You murder me while trying to save me, but you are blind, or else you’d know I’d sooner watch these”—I tugged at a wing, feathers spraying—“fucking things burn before losing you. I’d watch them turn to ash, and I’d do so with a smile and not an ounce of regret.”
“Zadicus.”
“Quiet.” I searched those ice
-cold, watery eyes. “You still don’t get it, do you? I was dishonest, yes, but being honest can sometimes take time, Audra. Especially regarding something I’ve had to hide since before your father was even crowned king. I’ll admit it took me longer than it should have, and for that, I am sorry. But to wound me purely because I hurt you?” A low laugh left me. “When all along, my only wish, my every desire was to keep you. My every decision and hidden truth an effort to do exactly that...” My head shook. “That is not love.”
“You know it as well as I do, my stray prince.” I could hear her heart scream, cooling her words. “Love is war, and if you strike, I strike back twice as hard.”
I staggered back a step, her eyes drenching me with bright disbelief. “Then I surrender, and I must take my leave.”
“Don’t,” she said, but I headed for the door. “Don’t leave.”
I heard her swallow. “I’ve never left because I desire to, but because it is always you who pushes.”
“So push back,” she croaked, stalling my steps, chasing away my next breath. “Fight.”
But I didn’t turn around. I couldn’t. I’d fold like wet parchment, and I wanted to fold. I wanted to melt at her fucking feet, but nothing of the sort left my mouth. “I’m tired of fighting. Perhaps you can let me know when you are, too.”
“I said I was sorry,” she yelled, knowing many could likely hear but perhaps uncaring. I turned as she continued, “I’m sorry I touched him. I’m sorry for all I thought I must do and do alone, but know this, my lord,” she whispered with a hiss, her eyes a burning blue, “I would do it over and over if it meant waking up next to you for the rest of my existence.”
Blinking, unbreathing, I felt my lips part as everything inside me grew violently still.
Tears dampened her cheeks. I was such an insufferable, stubborn asshole. Darkness, what the fuck was I—
A horn blared, traveling into every window of the castle and stirring the brushes in their pots.
Audra’s eyes widened as it stopped, then sounded again.