by Shea Serrano
13. What are the 10 Best Jersey Numbers?
14. What are the 10 Best Referee Signals for Infractions?
15. What are the 10 Best “Short Player Blocks Big Player” Moments?
WHAT ARE THE 10 BEST DUNK CONTESTS?
(The participants are listed. The winners are bolded.)
1. 2016: Zach LaVine (Timberwolves), Will Barton (Nuggets), Andre Drummond (Pistons), Aaron Gordon (Magic).
2. 1988: Jerome Kersey (Blazers), Greg Anderson (Spurs), Michael Jordan (Bulls), Dominique Wilkins (Hawks), Spud Webb (Hawks), Clyde Drexler (Blazers), Otis Smith (Warriors).
3. 2000: Vince Carter (Raptors), Tracy McGrady (Raptors), Steve Francis (Rockets), Larry Hughes (Sixers), Ricky Davis (Hornets), Jerry Stackhouse (Pistons).
4. 1986: Spud Webb (Hawks), Terry Tyler (Kings), Roy Hinson (Cavs), Dominique Wilkins (Hawks), Paul Pressey (Bucks), Jerome Kersey (Blazers), Terence Stansbury (Pacers), Gerald Wilkins (Knicks).
5. 1985: Michael Jordan (Bulls), Orlando Woolridge (Bulls), Clyde Drexler (Blazers), Dominique Wilkins (Hawks), Terence Stansbury (Pacers), Julius Erving (Sixers), Darrell Griffith (Jazz), Larry Nance (Suns).
6. 2008: Dwight Howard (Magic), Jamario Moon (Raptors), Gerald Green (Timberwolves), Rudy Gay (Grizzlies).
7. 2011: JaVale McGee (Wizards), Serge Ibaka (Thunder), DeMar DeRozan (Raptors), Blake Griffin (Clippers).
8. 1991: Blue Edwards (Jazz), Dee Brown (Celtics), Rex Chapman (Hornets), Shawn Kemp (Sonics), Kenny Smith (Rockets), Kendall Gill (Hornets), Kenny Williams (Pacers), Otis Smith (Magic).
9. 1987: Gerald Wilkins (Knicks), Tom Chambers (Sonics), Michael Jordan (Bulls), Jerome Kersey (Blazers), Clyde Drexler (Blazers), Johnny Dawkins (Spurs), Terence Stansbury (Sonics), Ron Harper (Cavs).
10. 2003: Desmond Mason (Sonics), Amar’e Stoudemire (Suns), Jason Richardson (Warriors), Richard Jefferson (Nets).
WHO ARE THE 10 PLAYERS MOST LIKELY TO ADOPT A KID IN A LIKE MIKE SITUATION?
1. David Robinson (any year)
2. Matt Bullard in 1996
3. Tim Thomas in 2005
4. A.C. Green in 1987
5. Steph Curry (any year)
6. Grant Hill in 1995
7. Mike Conley in 2011
8. Rik Smits in 1991
9. Sean Elliott in 1998
10. Dirk Nowitzki in 2005
WHAT ARE THE 10 BEST FREE THROW RITUALS OF ALL TIME?
1. That thing Richard Hamilton would do where he’d dribble twice forward and then once off to his right before shooting.
2. That thing Alonzo Mourning would do when he’d tap his wristband to his chin and then forehead before shooting.
3. That thing Amar’e Stoudemire would do after he started wearing goggles where he’d move his goggles up to his forehead before shooting.
4. That thing Karl Malone would do where he’d speak in tongues before shooting.
5. That thing Kevin Durant does where he shakes his right shoulder twice before shooting.
6. That thing Jeff Hornacek would do where he’d rub his face a couple times before shooting.
7. That thing Shaquille O’Neal would do where he’d miss 47 percent of all of the free throws he shot during his career.
8. That thing Dirk Nowitzki would do where he’d sing a David Hasselhoff song to himself before shooting.
9. That thing Gilbert Arenas would do where he’d pass the ball around his waist three times before shooting.
10. That thing Jerry Stackhouse would do where he’d do a deep squat before shooting.
WHAT ARE THE 10 BEST IN-ARENA ENTERTAINMENT THINGS?
1. The Kiss Cam.
2. The half-court shot to win something.
3. The T-shirt gun.
4. When they do the baby races.
5. The thing when everyone gets some sort of free food if the home team breaks 100 points or whatever.
6. The thing when everyone gets some sort of free food if a player on the away team misses two free throws in a row.
7. The Simba Cam. (They play the music from the beginning of The Lion King and parents hold their children up like how Rafiki held Simba up.) (This is a real thing.)
8. The thing where they show people on the jumbotron and the people dance for whatever reason.
9. The thing where the mascot has sides of the arena cheer at different times to see who’s the loudest.
10. The thing where the mascot spills something on someone in the opposing team’s jersey.
1. “You’re a fucking idiot,” is my main one.
2. He has another line on that same song where he says, “I got a team of hoes like Pat Summitt,” and then also, “I had the full Bulls warm-up with the Pippens on.”
3. The actual 10 best playoff buzzer beaters of all time: 1. Michael Jordan’s series-winning jumper over Craig Ehlo in Game 5 of the 1989 matchup between the Bulls and Cavs. / 2. Gar Heard’s turnaround 20-footer to send Game 5 of the Celtics–Suns Finals into triple overtime. / 3. Robert Horry’s three to win Game 4 of the 2002 Western Conference Finals between the Lakers and Kings. / 4. Jerry West’s 60-footer to tie Game 3 of the 1970 Finals between the Lakers and Knicks. / 5. Derek Fisher’s 0.4 turnaround to win Game 5 of the 2004 Western Conference Semis between the Lakers and Spurs. / 6. John Stockton’s series-winning three against the Rockets to send the Jazz to the 1997 Finals. / 7. Alonzo Mourning’s series-winning 20-footer in Game 4 of the Hornets–Celtics series. / 8. Ralph Sampson’s series-winning turnaround flip shot against the Lakers that sent the Rockets to the 1986 Finals. / 9. Kobe Bryant’s jumper to win Game 4 of the Lakers–Suns first-round series in 2006. / 10. LeBron’s three to win Game 2 of the 2009 Eastern Conference Finals between the Cavs and the Magic.
4. Captain America probably has the best dick of all the Avengers. It’s him or Thor. Definitely.
5. J. R. Smith absolutely should’ve been in a Fast and the Furious movie.
6. My favorite Wilt Chamberlain thing was when he claimed that he one time killed a mountain lion with his hands when it attacked him at a roadside rest stop.
7. The Highlight Factory. The Palace. The Roaracle. The Thunderdome. The Grindhouse (my favorite).
AM I ALLOWED TO ______________ DURING PICKUP BASKETBALL?
PART 1
This chapter and the one that follows are both (a) structured the exact same way, and (b) about pickup basketball, which is the best version of basketball:1 There’s a sentence with a fill-in-the-blank in it (“Am I allowed to ________ during pickup basketball?”) and then there are a bunch of different things that get plugged into the blank. (“Am I allowed to try and take a charge during pickup basketball?” and “Am I allowed to call a foul during pickup basketball?” Things like that.) The answer to all the questions in this chapter is yes. The answer to all the questions in the next one is no.
The first person who ever tried to fight me over something I’d done or said on a basketball court was a monster named Saul. In the neighborhood where I lived, he was one of the tougher kids. He and I were in the same grade, but he was, like, maybe 10 or 12 years older because he’d been held back a bunch of times because nobody ever bothered to teach him how to read.2 He used to play basketball in Dickies, that’s the kind of kid he was. And let me be clear: I don’t mean Dickies shorts. I mean Dickies work pants. He was navigating pick and rolls in some fucking factory worker pants. He was dropping off perfect assists in the same pants as guys who were putting bumpers on Chevys. Do you even understand how hard of a person you have to be to run a fast break in the same pants as a Detroit assembly-line worker?
Here are five things I remember about Saul: (1) He used to slick his hair straight back. (2) Sometimes he wore a hairnet over his slicked-back hair. (3) He had a couple of tattoos, and that maybe doesn’t seem like a strange thing because you’re an adult and so maybe you’re picturing another adult in your head, but let me please just remind you that this was when we were in middle school. Having tattoos in middle school is basically the same thing as having a coup
le bodies on you in prison. (4) He had an older brother who’d gotten sent to prison either for robbing a convenience store owned by Asian people or for robbing Asians in a convenience store.3 (5) There was a rumor that he’d at one time beaten up a bus driver for failing to pick him up for school one morning. I don’t know how true it was, but that’s not the point. The point is that Saul was not the person you wanted to get in a fight with at a basketball court. And yet, at 12 years old, that’s where I was.
When it happened, Saul was already mad because his team was losing and I was letting him hear about it. But he’d gotten even madder because he’d called a foul and I made fun of him for it. I don’t recall exactly what I said to him, but I know his response was to shove me to the ground and shout, “You talk too fucking much,” to which my response was to just sit there on the pavement and do that thing where you try not to blink or talk because you know if you do you’re going to start crying.
But listen, here’s the whole reason I’m telling you this: There are things you are allowed to do in a pickup basketball game, and there are things you’re not allowed to do in a pickup basketball game. Calling a foul is a thing you’re not supposed to do.4 (More on this in a moment.) Saul’s response to being hacked across the arms was reflexive, but so was my response to his response. When Saul called that foul, I suspect he knew immediately that it was a thing he wasn’t supposed to do. That’s (probably) why he got so mad when he got called out for it. Or I don’t know, man. Maybe he actually didn’t know he wasn’t supposed to call fouls. Maybe nobody ever taught him that, same as nobody ever taught him to read.5
Am I allowed to during pickup basketball?
. . . talk shit . . .
Yes. Of course. Absolutely. For sure. It’s one of the very best parts of basketball, I think. The only thing better than blocking a shot during a game is blocking a shot and shouting “Get that shit outta here!” as you do so. It feels SO good. I am 100 percent in favor of it. The only time I ever talked shit to someone and regretted it afterward is one time I was playing at this park and I think I’d scored three or four times in a row on a guy. We were coming back down the court and I was letting everyone know he couldn’t guard me and so I said something close to “You better call your mom to help you guard because you sure as shit can’t do it by yourself.” He said something close to “My mom passed away in 2009.” And so what I should’ve said there was either (1) “Ay, my bad, I didn’t know,” or (2) nothing at all. But neither of those are what I chose. Instead, I respond-ed—and I’m so sad and embarrassed remembering this—but instead I responded, “I guess it’s gonna be a long-distance call then.”
. . . stand in the paint on offense . . .
This one is in reference to the three-second rule, which says you’re not allowed to stand in the paint for three or more seconds during an offensive possession without reestablishing your possession. That’s for proper basketball, though. In pickup basketball, yes, of course you can stand there for three seconds. You can stand there for three days, if you want. Doesn’t matter. Build a small townhome and live in that bitch. You’re completely within the rules of pickup basketball.
. . . stand in the paint on defense . . .
This one is in reference to the defensive version of the three-second rule, which says you’re not allowed to stand in the paint for three or more seconds during a defensive possession without reestablishing your possession if you’re not guarding someone. You’re safe here same as you are on offense. Really, it’s a smart play to just camp someone out down there, especially if you’re playing on an outside court because it’s way harder to shoot jumpers outside so people drive to the basket a bunch more.
. . . take a heat check shot . . .
A heat check shot is a shot that comes after a person has made one or two shots in a row. The way it typically works is a guy will hit an open jumper, then he’ll hit a second open jumper, then his chest will fill with courage as he realizes, Oh, fuck. I’m the new Steph Curry. Then he’ll come down and chuck up a fadeaway 27-footer. Foolhardy and shortsighted as this may seem, it is okay to do (and usually encouraged, really). You just keep on tossing that ball up there until you miss, each shot getting more and more ridiculous. You make a 27-foot fadeaway, you try a 31-foot hook shot. You make a 31-foot hook shot, you try a runner from half court. You make a runner from half court, you make sure your hair looks good for when they make the statue they’re going to build of you in the center of downtown.
. . . hang on the rim if I dunk it . . .
Three things here:
1. You can absolutely hang on the rim if you dunk it, yes. You’ve earned it.
2. When I was in high school there was this guy during gym class who, while on a fast break, jumped and tried to dunk it and he did manage to dunk it, but he was going so fast that his feet swung out from under him and he lost his grip on the rim and fell backward and put his arm back to try to blunt the fall and ended up snapping that bitch right in half. It remains the worst injury I’ve ever seen in person during a basketball game. It was gruesome. For, like, the next two months I refused to jump for any reason at all. I wouldn’t even stand up. I just fucking crawled everywhere for fear of falling.
3. I’ve never dunked a basketball on a regulation goal. Matter of fact, I’ve only ever slapped the backboard twice in my whole life.6 A regular dream I have while sleeping is that I can jump high enough to dunk it. It’s my favorite kind of erotic dream.
. . . win a game by one point . . .
You’re playing to 11. The score is tied 10–10. Your team scores. Then that means your team wins. That’s how it works. Sometimes someone will shout out “Deuce,” which means that the game now has to be won by two points, not one. Deuce is for cowards.
Sidebar: There’s another thing that happens during pickup basketball sometimes, when a team can win by one point BUT they can’t win with a two-point shot. What I mean is, okay, so let’s say you’re playing to 11 and the score is their team has 10 and your team has 9. Your team has the ball. The “Can’t Win on a 2” rule says that in this particular case, even if your team manages to make a two-point shot, which would technically give them 11, it’s a conditional 11 points. You have to score another basket before the other team does to win. It’s the dumbest thing. It’s a way for someone to call Deuce without having to actually call Deuce.
. . . ignore the guy who shoots it every time he touches it . . .
Yes. Unless he’s in the middle of a heat check thing, in which case you are obligated to pass him the ball every time until he misses it.
. . . foul as many times as I want . . .
Definitely, but just know that the more you foul the more contentious things are going to get. You are within your pickup basketball rights to pretend to be Charles Oakley if you so choose, but that means you’re going to end up in some Charles Oakley-type situations, and let me tell you a secret: You ain’t Charles Oakley. So exercise this one judiciously. I always recommend one good hard foul at the beginning of the game and then you chill and then it’s free reign if you end up in a spot where the other team has Game Point. Go nuts. It’s jungle law at this point. Everyone understands.
1. The NBA is the second-best version of basketball. Third-best is NCAA Basketball. Fourth is And1 Basketball. Fifth is NERF Basketball. Sixth is Middle School Basketball. Seventh is Hallway Basketball (where you slap a doorjamb or a sign to indicate a dunk). Eighth is SlamBall. Ninth is Trash Can Basketball. Tenth is Movie Basketball. Eleventh is High School Basketball. Twelfth is Video Game Basketball. Thirteenth is YMCA Kids Basketball. Fourteenth is Swimming Pool Basketball. Fifteenth is YMCA Adult Basketball. Sixteenth is Harlem Globe-trotters Basketball. And seventeenth is whatever version of basketball the Philadelphia 76ers were playing in the 2015 season.
2. I’m assuming.
3. The exact details were always hazy in that way that neighborhood folklore generally is. The only things everyone seemed to agree on were that the robbery took place in a
convenience store and two Asian men were present.
4. Incidentally, making fun of someone for calling a foul is a thing you are supposed to do.
5. I’m still assuming.
6. I’m the Vince Carter of grabbing the net.
AM I ALLOWED TO ______________ DURING PICKUP BASKETBALL?
PART 2
Part 1 of this double chapter started with an anecdote about the first person who’d ever tried to fight me over something I’d said or done on a basketball court, so I’m going to start this one with an anecdote about the last person1 who ever tried to fight me over something I’d said or done on a basketball court. Mostly I like for things to end in just this misty or nebulous manner, but sometimes I like when things tie themselves together neatly, too. So:
It happened when I was 25 years old. I was playing in this nighttime rec league with some guys from the place where I was working at the time. We were playing a game against a team everyone assumed was going to crush us, but it was late in the third quarter or early in the fourth and we were ahead by a few points. The guy I was guarding was probably, say, 7 or 8 inches taller than me and stronger than me and more handsome than me and was otherwise way better than me at basketball, but he was having a very bad game, and so I was reminding him of how bad he was playing every time I took a breath, which he was not especially happy about.
Someone shot a long shot, missed, and so the ball bounced high into the air and out near the three-point line, where we were both standing. There was no chance I was ever going to be able to out-jump him to get the ball, so right before he was about to leap into the air I just sort of crabbed my way backwards into his legs real fast and hard, uprooting him from his launch-pad. I didn’t even have to jump. The ball landed right in my hands. It worked out perfect. I turned to see up the court, but before I could dribble or pass or do anything I felt a big ***whop*** across the side of my face.