by Sissy Goff
As a little girl, when those things happened, you likely had a meltdown. As an older girl, you likely get disappointed and cry in your room, or your anger quietly builds. Quietly, that is, until . . .
Our brains react. Our bodies jump on board. And our emotions quickly fall in line. When you were little, they fell in line loudly. Your emotions were more explosive in nature because you didn’t know what else to do. Sometimes you still explode, mostly at your mom or dad or a younger sibling, and you feel terrible about it afterward. But I would guess that these days, you’re more likely to implode than explode. You may get angry, but you’re silently yelling at the person in your own mind. Or maybe you’re not yelling, but you’re being critical. Or maybe you only feel comfortable saying critical words about yourself. The emotion is still there—it’s just directed inward, rather than outward. And that kind of emotion, anger especially, is destructive when it’s directed at anyone, including you. I once heard someone say that anxiety is anger turned inward. I think panic attacks can often be described that way too. They have to do with pressure we feel to some degree, but I think they’re also related to the anger we feel toward ourselves when that pressure is mounting.
The problem is that, whether the issue is little or big, whether you’re exploding or imploding, the amygdala isn’t reasonable. Your parents couldn’t have talked you out of your anxiety when you were little. And you can’t talk yourself out of it now—at least, not without the right tools. The false alarms really are just too much. And it feels like there is nothing that you or anyone else can do to fix it.
That’s another one of the Worry Whisperer’s lies.
If you could change anything about those times, what would you change?
We are going to get there. First, though, we need to understand a little more about the long-term impacts of a faulty alarm. With time, a faulty alarm just gets more faulty. The amygdala gets less trustworthy, and the longer that alarm goes unchecked, the harder it is to reset.
A Faulty Alarm
Do you know what the most common cause is for the false alarm? Worry. The Worry Whisperer, in other words. And chronic worry not only makes the alarm more likely to go off, but harder to turn off as well. It causes the amygdala to enlarge and develop what’s called a hair-trigger response. Robert Sapolsky, a stress expert and professor at Stanford University, says, “Chronic stress creates a hyper-reactive, hysterical amygdala.”2 Uh-oh.
Would you consider yourself a chronic worrier?
Here’s what happens, according to two psychologists:
The actual physical architecture of the brain adapts to new information, reorganizing itself and creating new neural pathways based on what a person sees, hears, touches, thinks about, practices, and so on. . . . Where attention goes, neurons fire. And where neurons fire, they wire, or join together.3
In normal person’s language, what that means is this: Your brain creates well-worn paths, just like the path between your house and your best friend’s. You learn those paths by heart. You don’t think about whether to turn right or left when you come to this street or that. You just know the way. Your brain learns certain ways by wiring neurons together and creating well-worn neural pathways. When we practice worry, even inadvertently, we wire those worry neurons together. When we practice bravery, which we’ll talk about more in chapter 6, we wire those neurons together and create new neural pathways. We also retrain our hysterical, hyperreactive amygdalae. Isn’t that great news?! We’ll come back to exactly how to do that soon. But it really is important for you to know that worry has an impact. And chronic stress or worry has an even worse impact.
Here’s something especially important for you to know: “Animal studies have found that after a prolonged period of stress, the adult brain will tend to bounce back within ten days, while the adolescent brain takes about three weeks,”4 according to authors William Stixrud and Ned Johnson. Your brain feels the residual effects of stress and worry. It’s got enough on its plate already in these years with all of the learning and growing it’s doing. We don’t want to add to the stress. We want to practice using the tools instead. You can do this. You ready?
Brave Tools for Your Body
Before we get into the specific tools to fight the Worry Whisperer in your body, I want to remind you of two foundational tools: UNDERSTANDING and DETERMINATION.
Again, I wish we were sitting together. If we were, I hope you would have had a few “aha moments” so far. That you would have said things like “Oh . . . that’s what was going on when I was so afraid of throwing up” or “I had no idea that my anger really had to do with worry.” Or even “Now I understand why I would get so upset when I was little.” I hope that this understanding helps you feel more understood yourself. I also hope it brings you a sense of relief—and of grace. The amygdala has been hijacking your brain for quite some time. The Worry Whisperer’s tricks have been working. It’s time for it to stop, which is where that determination kicks in.
Have your parents ever called you stubborn? I hope so. You’re going to need that stubbornness now. You’re going to have to be determined in this fight, even when it feels like it’s not working. Even when it feels like you fall right back into the Worry Whisperer’s ways. He’s not going to win. But your brain has created well-worn paths. Creating new ones takes a little time, a lot of determination, and the right tools.
Know Your Triggers
When do you get most anxious? I want you to think back on ten times you’ve gotten anxious in the past few months, or even years. List those here, and then list beside them any themes, such as change or unpredictability. Also notice if they happen in similar situations or locations.
The more we can anticipate anxiety, the earlier we can start the fight. So let’s start with paying attention to the where of worry. Then we’ll move to the how.
Listen to Your Body
Go back to the drawing you did before. Where do you first feel the worry in your body? That knowledge is one of your most important tools in the fight. The amygdala takes over within less than a second, as you know, but those milliseconds are crucial. The longer we give the Worry Whisperer power, the stronger he becomes. Sooner is stronger for you. You want to start fighting him when you first feel his attempts to take over. Sooner is stronger. Where does he start with you?
Breathe
The first thing I want you to do when you feel him coming after your body in the place you named above is to BREATHE. I know, you’re already doing it. But he’s telling you to do it faster when he takes over, which will only make things worse. I want you to SLOW DOWN. In fact, there’s a specific way I want you to breathe, and we’re going to practice together now.
Put your hand on your leg and draw a square with your finger. As you slowly draw the first side of the square, breathe in. As you draw the next side, breathe out. Keep doing this until your square is complete. Research says that it takes six seconds for the chemicals being released in your brain by the amygdala to dissolve.5 That’s about one and a half squares. I would make it a four-square rule, though. It will give your brain time to reset (and it’s easier to remember because, you know, foursquare).
Let me go ahead and say that I used to think all of the deep-breathing hype was kind of silly. That is, until I really tried it. I sometimes speak in front of several thousand people at once, and I still get pretty nervous. I will often stand over to the side and do square breathing before I go on stage. Or I’ll do it when I’m having a conversation with someone and start to feel frustrated. It really does help—with worry and with anger too. Here’s why:
Breathing is actually nourishment for your body. There are several cool things that happen when you take deep breaths. One is that the blood vessels in your brain dilate again, which enables your blood to flow back to your prefrontal cortex. In other words, you can now think clearly and manage your emotions. Also, breathing from your belly in particular kicks off this amazing series of events. Do you remember the game Mousetrap
? It’s a little like that.
You breathe deeply from your belly. Your lungs expand and press on your diaphragm wall. The diaphragm pushes your abdomen out and also pushes on your back, putting pressure on your spine. The pressure on the spine puts pressure on something called the vagus nerve, which happens to be the longest cranial nerve. It reaches all the way to your brain. This pressure quiets the vagus nerve and turns on the relaxation system of the body. In other words, it lowers your blood pressure, heart rate, and breathing rate. It also removes something called lactate from your blood (which increases feelings of anxiety), and it increases alpha brain waves, which are related to a sense of calm alertness. It even releases serotonin, which is connected to feelings of enjoyment, contentment, and impulse control.6 And there you have it. Mousetrap that brings you back to a place of calm and being able to regulate your emotions . . . all from a few square belly breaths.
Grounding Games
It starts with breathing. Any time your brain is stuck in the worry loop, I want you to start with breathing. Basically, breathing is the most important tool in your toolbox, because, as you can tell, none of the other tools will work until your brain can reset. It’s not capable of logical thought until then.
So you’ve reset your brain with square breathing. Now we need to get you out of the loop. One of my favorite CBT techniques is called grounding. There are several of what I refer to as “grounding games” that I use in my office with girls.
You may have noticed that worry lives in the past or future, not the present. The thing that’s looping in your brain is usually either something that happened that you keep rehashing in your mind OR it’s something coming up that you keep playing out because you feel anxious. Worry doesn’t live in the present—which is exactly where you need to be. Grounding games do just what the name implies. When you’re anxious, it’s like you’re free-floating over your body in some other time frame, and these games grab you by the ankles and pull you right back to the present.
My favorite grounding game is called 5-4-3-2-1. Let’s play it now. In this game, you’re going to use all of your senses:
What are five things you see right now?
What are four things you hear right now?
What are three things you feel right now?
What are two things you smell right now?
What is one thing you taste right now?
As you answered those questions, your focus was re-centered on the present. The senses do that for you. It’s part of why I like square breathing as a way to deep breathe. The sensation of drawing a square on your leg is grounding in itself. Plus, you can do it sitting at your desk at school—or over to the side of a stage before you walk on—and no one will notice.
Other grounding techniques include colors and words:
Name everything you see that’s the color blue.
Name every word you can think of that starts with the letter R.
Or you can do math:
Count backward from a hundred by sevens. (I know that’s hard. You can do it.)
Do as many times tables as you can remember.
You can also run cold water over your hands, which is a great one at home or even at school. Talk with your parents about asking your school to let you leave class briefly to go to the bathroom for the cold-water-hands trick when you are anxious. Grounding games re-center you by requiring focus. Focus pulls you out of the loop of your anxious thoughts and back to the present.
Mindfulness and Memorizing Scripture
Another word you’ve likely heard in the past few years is mindfulness. Mindfulness is similar to grounding, but while grounding techniques pull us out of the loop and bring us into the present moment, mindfulness is more about paying attention to the moment without judgment. Grounding techniques are great to practice when you’re looping and anxious. Mindfulness is helpful at any point. In fact, there are some great apps out there to help you practice mindfulness. Two of my favorites are Calm and Headspace. (Some of the apps out there, however, can get a little funky when it comes to faith, so if you’d like to try one, maybe check it out with the help of an adult you trust, such as a parent, counselor, or youth group leader.) Even simple belly breathing is a form of mindfulness. Mindfulness involves focusing on what’s around you, what’s happening inside of you, even a word or phrase.
I think one of the best mindfulness exercises we can do is to memorize Scripture. In fact, it’s another thing I would have you do pretty soon after starting counseling. Actually, why don’t you stop reading and start now? Find a verse you love about worry. You pick. I want it to be something that brings you peace and comfort. Write your verse here.
Now I want you to memorize that verse. You can practice mindfulness by saying the verse over and over and over any time. Focus on the first word, then the second, and just pay attention to where your thoughts go as you’re doing it. Don’t judge your thoughts—the Worry Whisperer would love to get you offtrack in that way. If you get distracted when you’re practicing mindfulness, that’s okay. Don’t get mad at yourself. With mindfulness, you’re supposed to let thoughts pass by like waves on a beach. You can even picture them that way in your mind. So say your verse to yourself over and over—when you’re worried and when you’re not.
I just sat here for a minute and practiced mine. I picked Philippians 4:6–8 (ESV):
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers [and sisters], whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
God’s Word changes us. I’m sure you’ve heard that before. It does not return void, meaning it always comes back bringing something with it. Just from my few minutes of reading that verse and meditating on it, I noticed something I haven’t ever noticed before. “Peace . . . will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” God’s peace guarding your heart is exactly what I want for you—and for me—as we fight the Worry Whisperer. I also saw another version that said, “Meditate on these things”7 rather than “think about these things” at the end of the passage.
God’s Word tells us to meditate. To meditate on Scripture is, in fact, scriptural. It strengthens our faith and our brains. Just eight weeks of practicing mindfulness, according to research, not only decreases amygdala activity but actually makes the amygdala smaller.8 How cool is that? Memorizing and meditating on Scripture changes our hearts and our brains. It brings peace in the moment and strengthens our faith for the future. But there is one more thing you might have to do before you get to that peace.
Move
There are times when breathing just won’t work. Neither will mindfulness or playing grounding games. You can’t focus on a verse, let alone memorize it. Your anxiety has made you antsy and agitated. No thoughts going by like waves on a beach. They feel more like a frog dodging traffic. In those moments, it’s time to move!
Just twenty to thirty minutes of exercise a day has been proven to reduce anxiety,9 which is amazing in itself, but movement also resets the brain, much like breathing. So when you can’t breathe slowly or do some of the more thoughtful practices, get outside. Go for a walk. Jump on a trampoline. Run. You may need to release some of that energy before you’re able to do the activities that will get you out of the loop. In fact, you can do them at the same time. Walking and belly breathing, for example. You could take a mindful walk (or run), where you pay special attention to all of the sights, sounds, and smells around you. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried yoga, but it involves movement, breathing, and mindfulness. Moving will also give you something else that might be important in your anxious agitation:
Space
If I were meeting with you for counseling, I’d also b
e meeting with your parents. One of the things we’d talk about is what they can do once your amygdala becomes activated. Honestly, it has more to do with giving you space than anything.
Let’s say you and your parents got into an argument last night that made you anxious. Maybe they told you that you weren’t going to get to attend a concert you’ve been looking forward to, because you had to go visit your Great-Aunt Ethel. You cried a few tears. Your volume got louder. Their volume got louder. Then it was hard to breathe. The Worry Whisperer had taken over by way of your amygdala. And their amygdalae jumped right into the mix.
It’s time for space. In fact, what I would do with you all in counseling is come up with a code word. When either one of you said that code word, it would mean that you take a break. Each of you would go to your own room, or to a certain space to calm down. Maybe it’s your room. Maybe you go for a run. But you each go somewhere you’re able to process your emotions and calm your amygdala. Because basically, once your amygdala starts talking to their amygdalae, nothing good happens. Two amygdalae never have productive conversations. They don’t use words, only reactions, remember? It becomes like a tennis match—you react, and then they react. Back and forth and back and forth until the problem is bigger than it was when it started, and you’re likely grounded (and I’m not talking about grounding games).
Talk with your family about a code word and about the concept of space. Tell them I recommended it. Then I want you to come up with something that I wish every girl your age had hanging up in their room or in the notes on their phone.