by Zoey Gong
“Lady Euhmeh,” the empress says, and a girl stands up who I recognize as one of my roommates.
“Yes, your majesty?”
“Can you read, as it says in your introduction?”
“Yes, your majesty.”
“Good. You are to attend Lady An and help her with her duties managing the harem.”
“Yes, your majesty.” Eumeh gives a small bend of her knees and neck. I notice some of the other concubines—the ones that outrank us—grumbling or wrinkling their noses. Still, it is interesting that the empress asked if Eumeh and I could read and write and didn’t take it for granted that we could. I thought most Manchu girls were literate, but perhaps I was mistaken.
“That is all for today,” the empress says as she stands. We all stand as well, and then fall to our knees in front of our chairs, waving our handkerchiefs three times. The empress dowager then leaves the room, followed by the empress, and finally Lady An. All the remaining ladies are then joined by their maids and led out of the audience hall. Once I am back in the sunlight, I feel as though I can breathe again. At least for the moment. I am sure I have messed up somehow and that it will come back to haunt me.
“Lihua!” I turn and see Yanmei gliding toward me. “Are you all right? You look terribly pale.”
I shake my head and try my best not to cry. “I did not expect to be called upon. I am so embarrassed.”
Wangli and her maid join us, but she says nothing.
“Don’t be!” Yanmei says, wrapping an arm around me. “I’m sure the empress is used to new concubines being nervous.”
“But Mingxia… My mother misrepresented me,” I say. “Should I be worried?”
“Of course not! Hardly any of us were given an education. She wouldn’t have picked an attendant for Lady An from the new concubines if there was a higher ranking one who could have done the job.”
I wipe the tears from my cheeks. “I suppose that is true.” It must have been a rare thing indeed for Lihua to be as educated as she was. This sets me at ease somewhat.
“The household accounts have me nervous,” Yanmei says. “I was a poor student and never had a head for numbers. I’m not sure how I shall manage it.”
“You should ask your eunuch for help,” Wangli says, and Yanmei raises an eyebrow. “They are all quite clever. They had to be educated to be selected for service here. If you need help with numbers or characters, he should be able to tutor you.”
“I will do that, thank you,” Yanmei replies. I tuck this information away, anxious to ask Jinhai about it when I return to my room.
“Is Lady An the only rank three consort?” Wangli asks, changing the subject, and I’m glad for the distraction. Yanmei and I shrug, but I can see that Suyin wishes to say something.
“What do you know?” I ask my maid.
“Lady An is the only rank three consort because she is the mother of the emperor’s first daughter,” she says. “The empress gave birth to another daughter the following year.”
“I didn’t know the emperor even had daughters,” I say.
“They are of no consequence,” Suyin says. “It is vital that the emperor have a son.”
I nod, wondering at the irony of her statement. Considering the bride price that was paid for the empress, surely the emperor’s own daughters would have some value to him.
“The position of rank two consort is being held for the girl lucky enough to birth a son,” Suyin goes on.
Yanmei takes a deep breath and puts her hand to her chest. “If only I could be so fortunate.”
“May the gods smile on all of us,” Wangli says, but there is something not quite sincere about her words. Yanmei seems not to pick up on it, though.
“There were dozens of concubines before us,” Yanmei says. “And we entered with dozens more. How are we ever to stand out?”
“I don’t know,” Wangli says. “Perhaps send the emperor a gift?”
Yanmei’s eyes light up. “What a lovely idea! I should embroider a new handkerchief for him.”
I see Suyin and Yanmei’s maid share a glance I can’t quite interpret.
“What shall we do now?” I ask. I have no idea how I am supposed to spend my time for the remainder of the day. I’ve been given no assignments. Shall I sit and stare at the wall?
“I’m famished,” Yanmei says. “I was so nervous this morning, I could hardly eat.”
“Your luncheon will be waiting for you upon your return, my lady,” her maid tells her.
“That is good to know,” Yanmei says. “It must be midday by now, if not later.”
“It certainly takes a long time to dress,” I say.
“I’m already rather tired,” Wangli says. “I think I shall lie down for a bit.”
“Perhaps after we eat and rest, we can meet again,” I say. I know I must be careful about revealing too much about myself, but I can hardly abide the loneliness. I miss my sisters greatly, my heart hitching in my chest at the mere thought of them.
“There is a pretty pavilion near my palace,” Yanmei says. “We can meet there at mid-afternoon?”
“I look forward to it,” I say.
“As do I,” Wangli agrees. At that, we give each other a smile and turn to head to our separate palaces. Our eunuchs, who had been standing back, now come to us with umbrellas to guard us from the sun.
“You seemed anxious to say something back there when Yanmei mentioned a gift for the emperor,” I say to Suyin once we are out of earshot of the others.
“The emperor has plenty of handkerchiefs,” she says.
“Then what do you suggest?” I ask her. Not that I am interested in catching the emperor’s eye, I am merely curious.
“Such gifts would only have meaning after the emperor learns your face and name,” Suyin says. “The only way for that to happen is to be chosen to attend him in bed.”
I can feel my face redden at that, but Suyin continues.
“It is the eunuchs in charge of household affairs who present the emperor with suitable company for a night.”
“And how do they do that?” I ask, turning to Jinhai.
“It’s rather complicated,” he says. “But if you want any chance of being chosen, a gift must be made to the eunuchs in charge, not the emperor.”
“Oh?”
“If you pay enough, the eunuch who presents the emperor with his choices will…encourage the emperor to pick your name.”
“I see,” I say. “And I suppose the price is quite high.”
“Indeed,” he says. “All of the girls will learn this eventually, and each will be sending a bribe in the hope that she will be chosen.”
“But if everyone sends a bribe,” I say, “then we would all end up on the same level again. How will the eunuch in charge make his choice?”
“Whoever gives him the most will be the winner.”
“But…do we know how much the other girls paid?”
“No.”
“So, you could pay your money and end up no closer to being chosen.”
“Exactly,” he says. “It is great risk. If you waste your money, you might lose all of it and not have enough for your household expenses.”
“What happens then?” I ask.
Jinhai shrugs. “Your maids will be reassigned. You will receive less food. You will not be able to afford new paints or clothes.”
“So, I could end up living like a pauper even here,” I say. “What a terrible waste of money.”
“But the rewards could be so very great,” Suyin says. “If you were to give the emperor a son, you would never want for anything ever again. The emperor would shower you with gold and silk. And then, one day, you would be the mother of the emperor!”
“Hmm.” I can feel Suyin’s excitement at the prospect. The higher I rise, the higher she would rise as well. I say nothing since I would hate to see her face when I tell her I have no plan to waste money on a chance to sleep with the emperor. No, I plan to live my life alone. I will keep my money an
d my terrible secret. And if I am not to be happy, I shall at least be comfortable.
13
For the next few weeks, life becomes very routine. I wake, eat, bathe, dress. We all greet the empress, the dowager, and Lady An. After the midday meal and rest, I join Yanmei and Wangli and we talk and work on our embroidery together. After the evening meal, Jinhai tutors me in math and explains the household accounts to me. It is difficult, but I think I am learning. It is simply taking what I already know about how to purchase or sell items and applying it to paper instead of memory.
Thinking of how I used to manage money for my family reminds me how much I miss them. I wish there was some way to see them. Of getting word to them. Of checking on their welfare. There must be a way out of the Forbidden City. My family lives in the very shadow of the palace wall. It would not take much time to slip out, see them, and return. But how could I escape? How would I slip away unnoticed in the first place? Suyin and Jinhai accompany me constantly and sleep in my room. I have been able to sneak out at night for a few minutes to myself, but any longer than that and surely I would be missed.
The weather is cooling as autumn creeps in, and I am able to convince Suyin to walk with me along the Forbidden City’s wall in the evenings when the air is crisp. I notice that there are several old-growth trees along the wall, trees whose branches reach above the wall and shade the palaces and pavilions. There is one in particular that has a branch low enough that I would be able to grab it if I jumped. At least I think I could reach it. I have not had opportunity to try since it would be quite odd for me to try and climb a tree with my servants watching. I could easily climb the tree to ascend the wall and then drop down to the other side. It would be a long fall, but I do not think I would hurt myself.
But how to do it? How would I get away? What would I wear? How would I hide the evidence afterward?
“Suyin,” I say one morning while bathing, “I have been thinking of taking up painting.”
“Have you, my lady?” she asks as she runs a bar of scented soap over my arms and back.
“It never hurts to learn something new,” I say. “And I have nothing but time.”
“Indeed, my lady,” she says. “I will inquire about a set of paints and brushes for you.”
“Thank you,” I say. “But it is rather a messy hobby, isn’t it? I should hate to get paint on one of my beautiful gowns.”
“I will drape a cloth around you,” she says. “Not to worry.”
“That might make it hard to move my arms, then, wouldn’t it? I noticed that the maids who bring in the tub and water wear very practical, dark outfits. Perhaps you could procure me one to wear. That way I would not ruin my clothes, but I would not feel encumbered either.”
Suyin pauses in her washing for a moment, and I think she must realize that I am up to something. “It would be quite irregular.”
“Well, no one need know,” I say. “It would only be for painting. And as I improve, I am sure the maid outfit would no longer be required.”
“I suppose, my lady,” she says as she resumes washing me. “I will see what I can do.”
I stay up extra late so that Suyin and Jinhai will be exhausted when I finally allow them to go to sleep. Then, I lay in my bed with my eyes wide open, waiting for the night watchman with his lantern to pass by. I know this is stupid, dangerous, but I cannot help it. I am simply dying inside as I worry about my family. I just need to know that they are well. That Mingxia has paid them the bride price as promised. Then I can return to the Forbidden City secure in the knowledge that they are provided for.
It’s after three o’clock in the morning, the hour of the tiger, when I finally see a light pass my window. I wait a little longer to make sure the guard is gone before I silently slide out from under my sheets. I then put several pillows in my place. I hope it will be enough that in the dark, should Suyin or Jinhai wake and look my way, it will appear as though I am still there. I grab my maid’s uniform and tiptoe out of the room, down the hall, and out the door. This part I have practiced many times, so I am not surprised that no one else in the house stirs.
Once I am at the tree I decided would be my best way out of the palace, I slip off my sleeping garments and put on the maid’s uniform. I fold the sleeping garments up and place them on the grass where they hopefully will not get dirty. Unfortunately, I must still wear my silk slippers. I thought about taking Suyin’s or Jinhai’s more practical slippers, but they are sure to be ruined and I do not want them to have to pay for my foolish outing. I braid my hair and secure it with a thin leather strip.
I stand under the lowest branch of the tree and jump. I miss, landing on my feet with a grunt. I put my hand to my mouth and crouch down, listening, afraid someone—especially the guards—might have heard me. After several minutes, I hear nothing, so I try again. This time, I grip the branch, but it is harder to pull myself up than I anticipated. I bite my lower lip to keep from groaning with the effort and use my feet against the trunk of the tree to pull myself up. When I finally climb upon the branch, I have to stop and catch my breath.
When I am ready, I am able to scale the next branch easily, and the one after that, and the one after that. Eventually, I am even with the outer wall of the Forbidden City! I scoot along a branch to reach the wall, but it grows so thin, I can feel it giving way beneath me. I grab the branch above me for support. I hear a noise and see that the guard is making another pass this way. I hold my breath and pray he doesn’t find my sleeping garments. When he reaches my tree, he stops. He looks up, and I am sure I am about to be discovered, but then he looks away and keeps walking. My dark clothes must have done the trick.
I wait until he is long out of sight before I continue scooting along the branch to the wall, the branch beneath me growing ever weaker. Finally, I am within reach, but both of my hands are occupied, one gripping the branch below me, and the other holding the branch above. I will have to let go in order to grab the top of the wall.
I blow all the air out of my lungs, hoping to make myself as light as possible. I should have peed before I started climbing, but it is too late for that. I release the branch above me and push off the lower branch with all my strength. I feel and hear the branch below me snap, but I manage to wrap both arms around the top of the wall.
“Hey!” someone yells.
“Did you hear that?”
“Where did it come from?”
The guards heard the snap as well! I use my feet to scurry up the wall until I can toss one leg over the top. I planned to sit atop the wall for a moment to prepare for my drop down the other side, but I did not plan on the tiles along the top of the wall to be so slippery! No sooner have I thrown my leg over than I am falling down the other side! I start to cry out, but stop myself. I hit the dirt ground below me hard, and all the breath in my lungs is knocked out of me and my vision goes black. I wonder for a moment if I’ve passed out, but then I realize that if I am thinking, I must not have. My vision clears and I can see that I am lying on the road that surrounds the Forbidden City. To my left is the large red wall. To my right is a maze of houses and hutongs. During the day there would be countless vendor carts here, but now, it is nearly deserted.
I push myself to my feet and my whole body aches. I look back to the top of the wall and wonder what I was thinking, planning to jump so far. If I’d landed on my feet, I surely would have broken my ankles. I shake my head at my stupidity and see a lamp from a guard patrolling the outside of the wall. I didn’t even think about outside guards! If I’d fallen only minutes later, I surely would have been caught. I run away from the wall and down the nearest alley into the neighborhood along the wall.
I pass small homes with doors open, some lighted, some completely dark. I see a well-lit public house where several men are drinking the night away. After a few minutes, I find myself on a wider avenue I recognize. I follow it, continuing to run. It’s not safe on the streets for a girl at night, but I don’t give anyone a chance to grab me. I
know where I am and where I am going.
I turn left and then right, my heart singing at the familiarity of the streets. The houses, the people, the smells—home.
I finally find the narrow hutong where I grew up and stop for a moment to catch my breath. What will my family say when they see me? What will they think? Will they be happy? Or will they chide me for being foolish? I put one foot in front of the other as I walk toward my former home.
Perhaps…perhaps I will not return to the palace. If Mingxia paid my family what she promised, we would have more than enough money to live on. We could run away. Hide. Change our names, our history. The emperor would surely be angry. He would send for Mingxia and demand to know where her daughter is. Would he find the real Lihua? Mingxia and her family would surely be punished…but I don’t care. As I stand outside the door of our little one-room house, I know there is nowhere I would rather be.
I tap softly, but there is no sound from inside. I don’t want to wake the neighbors, so I tap again. When there is still no answer, I gently push the door open. There is very little light in the room, but a little moonlight shines in through the single window.
It is enough light to see that my family is gone.
14
Not only is my family gone, but everything we once owned, not that it was very much. The straw mattresses we slept on. The patchwork blankets. The chipped bowls and worn chopsticks. After living in a palace for the past few weeks, the room feels small. It never felt small before. It was a comfort to have my family close by.
I step back out of the room and into the narrow street. Where could they have gone? I have to believe that wherever they are, they are together. Hopefully they are warm and have full bellies. I don’t notice I’m crying until I wipe a tear from my cheek. I am now truly alone in the world. Daiyu—and any trace of her—is gone. The Forbidden City is my home and the emperor is my husband. This is the only life I can live.