by Zoey Gong
Dongmei looks at me, her eyes glassy, and I can tell she doesn’t believe me, but she nods and leans against me again. We sit together for a long time and my heart aches for Lady An, that she will never be able to hold her daughter again. I miss my mother so much, but I was already at marrying age when I left. I can’t imagine how hurt and lonely Dongmei must feel. I hardly feel up to the task, but I know I must do my best to be the mother she so desperately needs.
“The empress dowager approaches!” a eunuch announces just before the dowager enters my courtyard. We all rush over to her, the servants getting on their knees while the princesses and I just bow.
“Welcome, Mother,” I say.
“Ah, the girls are here,” she says.
“Yes,” I say, standing upright. “They have been helping me sew a blanket for their little brother. It is coming along nicely.”
“Hmm,” she says, and then looks to her own maids. “Escort the girls to their palaces.” The maids bob and then try to take hold of the girls’ arms and lead them away.
“I don’t want to go!” Jingfei protests, digging her heels in, and I see tears rush to Dongmei’s eyes.
“Wait!” I say. “Why should they leave?”
“Are you standing in the way of their education?” Fenfang asks me.
“No!” I say. “Of course not. But I was under the impression that their lessons were in the mornings, so I saw no harm in having them spend their afternoons with me.”
The dowager cocks her head and the maids pull the little girls away more forcefully. “That is when they have their academic lessons. But their entire life is an education. An education preparing them to become fine ladies. Do you think you are up to such a task? Can you truly teach the girls how the daughters of an emperor should comport themselves?”
Of course I’m not, but I don’t want to admit that. But neither can I say yes. I know nothing of raising imperial children.
“With Lady An…gone and the empress confined, the girls need a mother, or an elder sister at least,” I say. “They are lonely.”
“Lonely?” Fenfang barks a laugh. “They are surrounded by maids and tutors. How can they possibly be lonely?”
“You think a maid is an acceptable replacement for a mother?” I ask. “You would have the children raised by servants instead of wives of the emperor?”
The courtyard had been quiet before—no one would dare speak without permission in the dowager’s presence—but now, it is so silent not even the crickets make a sound. The dowager’s jaw is set tight, but I stand firm. Normally I would cower before her, but seeing the girls dragged away stirs anger in me. I made a promise to Lady An to protect her daughter, and I will hold to that.
The dowager’s face softens and she smiles, but I think it is the way a fox would smile at a chicken when it knows the chicken cannot escape.
“You are so very new to life here,” she says. “I will forgive you for speaking out of turn this time. But in the future, I would encourage you to remember your place.”
I don’t know how to respond, which gives her time to turn and leave, the girls dragged away behind her.
“Lihua!” Dongmei calls out, and I feel a sharp pain in my chest.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, darling!” I call out to her, trying to pretend that nothing is the matter. But as soon as the girls are out of sight, tears of my own sting my eyes. Suyin comes to my side and tries to comfort me.
“What did I do wrong?” I ask her. “Why did the dowager take them away?”
Nuwa answers. “You’ve given complete control of the harem to the dowager, and that includes the princesses. I think that she doesn’t like the idea of you influencing them, even if you meant no harm.”
“What can I do?” I ask.
“You have to take your rightful place as senior lady of the harem,” Nuwa says. “You need to lead the morning greetings. You must mediate disputes. You need to visit the other ladies in their palaces and insist that they come here when you summon them. It is unacceptable that they ignore your calls.”
My bladder clenches at the thought and I suddenly have to pee. “I don’t know. I wouldn’t know how to begin! I don’t have any idea what I’m doing.”
“We will help you,” Suyin says, then she looks to Nuwa. “But she needs allies, don’t you think? If Lihua simply starts making demands, the other ladies will ignore her and follow the instructions of the dowager. They know where the real power lies.”
Nuwa sighs. “Perhaps. What should we do?”
Suyin looks at me. “You should speak to the emperor. Tell him that you are ready for more responsibility. Ask that he speak to his mother about being your assistant.”
“Are you sure I should speak to him about harem matters?” I ask. “Will he not think it is beneath him?”
“Perhaps,” Nuwa says. “But he will defer to you. He will tell you to do as you wish, and that should be enough. He tries to get involved in harem matters as little as possible, but he understands the hierarchy. He knows you are second only to the empress and should be making all the major decisions. He will support you, I am sure of it.”
I nod. “I will speak to him the next time I am summoned.” I feel a bit more hopeful at this. In truth, I don’t want to take all authority from the dowager. I don’t want to be the head of the harem. I only want to watch over the princesses. If she gave me that much, I would be content.
“I do have an idea,” I say, and I wave Jinhai over to me. “Dongmei said that she heard some maids gossiping about her mother. It was how she found out her mother had died. I want the maids found and demoted.”
“You should have them dismissed,” Nuwa says.
“No,” I say. “I know that many of the maids support their families, so I don’t want them dismissed completely. But I don’t want them serving the princesses, either of them. Tell the ministry of household affairs they are to be given the lowest positions. The scullery or chamber pots.”
“I will see it done, my lady,” Jinhai says. “It might take a few days…and a few bribes to find out which maids it was. The princesses have more servants than you do.”
“You manage my income so do what you must.”
Jinhai bows and then rushes off to do his work. I’ve made him my chief eunuch, and as far as I know he has managed the position well.
“That is a good start, my lady,” Nuwa says. “But may I make another suggestion?” I nod. “Hire tutors of your own, not merely eunuchs, but proper teachers.”
“You don’t think Jinhai is doing a good job?” I ask, concerned.
“For a rank-six concubine, he was more than adequate. For a rank-two consort…” She shakes her head. “You must be able to read and do basic math in your position. You cannot learn those things studying only occasionally when both you and Jinhai have time.”
“He has been so very busy lately,” Suyin says, and I nod in agreement.
“You should prioritize your education as much as possible,” Nuwa says. “Hire a tutor and have lessons every day.”
“I think this is a good idea. Please find me someone as soon as possible. I wouldn’t have any idea how to find a tutor.”
“Of course, my lady,” she says.
My heart feels a bit lighter. I am nervous about having to stand up to the dowager, but I think I might be on the path to making things right.
29
“How are things in the harem?” the emperor asks me that evening as we lie in bed together. His arm is around my shoulders and my head is on his chest. I fuss with the edge of his robe as I consider my answer. He doesn’t really want to know how things are. He only wants to hear that everything is well.
“Things are well, your majesty,” I say.
“Are you becoming accustomed to the way things are done?”
“Slowly,” I say.
“That is good. Mother has been pleased with you.”
“Has she?” I ask, wondering just what the dowager has been telling the emperor about
me.
“She says you are a kind and tolerant mistress, as I knew you would be.”
I press my lips to keep from responding. Of course she would say that. I have tolerated allowing her to run the harem however she wishes. I’m no threat to her power the way Empress Caihong was—and will be again once she is free of her birthing bed.
I hadn’t considered what will happen once Caihong is no longer confined. She will surely want to put Fenfang back in her place. But will she be able to? Once authority is given, is it easily taken away?
“The empress is mere weeks away from giving birth to my son,” the emperor says with a contented sigh. “Then all will be as it should be.”
“We are all eagerly awaiting news of the prince’s birth,” I say. I open my mouth to mention the princesses, but stop myself. I’m not sure how to broach the subject. I do not wish to imply that he is neglecting his children…but that is exactly what he is doing.
“Something seems to be on your mind,” he says, and I realize I am doing a poor job of pretending everything is perfect. I sit up in bed so that I can see his face, better gauge his reaction.
“I have been spending more time with the princesses,” I say, “Jingfei and Dongmei. They are the smartest, sweetest girls I have ever known.”
The emperor is not smiling. He rolls away, getting out of the bed on the other side. Already, I feel the anger coming off of him and I say no more. I’m not sure why he should be so angry at the mere mention of his daughters.
“And this…disturbs you?” he prods.
“No, of course not,” I say.
“Then why did you bring it up?” he asks. “Did you think I would be proud of you? Pleased? The girls fall under your preview as head of the harem while Caihong is indisposed.”
I feel as though I am walking into a trap. I remain sitting, my hands folded in my lap. I tug the edges of my robe closer together, feeling exposed. Vulnerable.
“Speak!” the emperor orders.
“They miss you,” I mumble.
“What? Speak clearly!”
“They miss you,” I say, looking right at him. “Your daughters love you, but they are very alone right now. Caihong cannot see them for more than a few minutes each day. And Lady An is—”
“Don’t mention that woman to me again!” he yells.
“I am sorry for offending you,” I say. “I don’t mean to mention her. But Dongmei is greatly distraught. She has heard the servants gossiping—”
“Then punish them,” he says.
“I have, your majesty,” I say. “Or, I will, as soon as I learn which ones it was.”
“These are harem issues,” he says, turning from me and pouring himself a cup of wine. I take the opportunity to stand. Having him tower over me in such a way has made me uncomfortable. “Why bring them up to me?”
“As I said, the girls miss you,” I say. “They know you are busy, but Dongmei is especially—”
“Her mother was a whore and a traitor!” The emperor turns back toward me and throws his cup against the wall, wine splashing on the floor. I suppose the outburst has it’s desired effect as I say no more. But this seems to enrage him more. It is as if he wants to fight with me.
“Dongmei is fortunate be allowed to stay in the palace at all,” the emperor goes on. “I should disown her. Send her away. She is sure to bring bad luck upon this house.”
I’m so disgusted by his words, I cannot stay silent. “She is an innocent child. Your daughter.”
“Is she?” he asks, his face dark. “That woman betrayed me, was a murderer. She was cunning, that one. How do I know that Dongmei is really my daughter? I only slept with the woman once. She could have had a lover, had another man do the deed to ensure her place.”
“You don’t really believe that,” I say. “Dongmei looks like you. She has your eyes.”
The emperor waves me off. “That proves nothing.”
I want to protest, but then I remember the night I spent with Honghui, his own brother, and my cheeks go hot. I did not fall pregnant, for that was months ago, but still, the guilt gnaws at me. Lady An was not unfaithful, but I was.
“You spoke to her,” he says, interrupting my thoughts. “You spoke to her only minutes before she killed herself, didn’t you?” I stand stone still, not even nodding my head. “Caihong told me what you said, what the woman told you. She told you she was guilty, did she not?”
My eyes water as I remember Lady An at that moment. She knew that she could not be saved. Her only thoughts were for her daughter, dear Dongmei. Protect my daughter, she said, and I promised. I rush to the emperor and drop to my knees, knocking my forehead to the floor.
“Please do not punish Dongmei for her mother’s sins,” I say. “She is a child. A child! Please, please, my lord, do not forsake her. She loves you.”
“Get up!” he growls. “Groveling does not become a woman of your station.” I sit up on my heels, keeping my eyes low.
“The care of Jingfei falls to you,” he says, “until her mother is out of confinement. But as for Dongmei…” He shakes his head. “I cannot bear to look at her. And I don’t want her poisoning Jingfei’s thoughts about me.”
“She would never—”
“Dongmei must be sent away,” he says.
“No—” I start, but the emperor interrupts me.
“She must! Her mother was like poison in a well, infecting every person it touches. Dongmei carries her mother’s hate, her malice. She cannot stay here.”
“No. Your majesty, please!” My heart races frantically. “Please don’t separate the sisters from one another.”
“I cannot use her in a marriage alliance now,” he says. “No family would accept a girl with such a notorious mother. I’ll send her to Kaifu Temple to be raised.”
“She cannot be a nun,” I say. “She’s a child. A maid. Only widows become nuns.”
“Then perhaps I will banish her altogether!” the emperor yells, stomping toward me. I fall backward and he stands over me, panting with anger, his eyes full of hate…or is that hurt? I can’t tell the difference. “Throw her out into the street and let her find her own way.”
I don’t know where this is coming from. How any man—but especially an emperor—can speak so cruelly of his own child. He cannot mean it. He must know what would happen to her if she were abandoned. But…he cannot mean it. I want to fight back. Yell and scream for Dongmei. Force him to see just how terrible he is being. But something holds me back. I would like to think it is common sense, but it could also be cowardice. Either way, I know I cannot continue the way I am. If I continue to fight him, he will only become more determined to send her away.
“I am sorry for mentioning the troubles of the harem to you,” I say, getting back to my knees. “It won’t happen again. Dongmei’s fate should be left to the empress, as befitting her station.”
The emperor is silent. I cannot see his face, but the tension between us lessens.
“I am a stupid girl, one who cannot comprehend the complexities of an imperial family. You have blessed me with responsibility far beyond my understanding. I…I await your punishment.” I did not want to add that last part. I don’t want to be punished! But it is something I have heard the servants say many times to irate mistresses. It is meant to show the ultimate humility, and something I need to demonstrate now.
The emperor is quiet for so long, my knees start to ache, but I dare not move. Finally, he speaks.
“Leave me,” he says. My eyes shoot up to him. He’s never dismissed me in such a way before. The first few times I was brought to him, I was carried in naked, and when he was finished, I was taken away in a sedan chair. But the last time that happened was months ago. Now, on nights I go to him, I stay the whole night. To be ordered away so callously is a great insult. But not only that, he has not given his decision regarding Dongmei. I can’t let him send her away, but I do not know what else I can do.
“Go,” he says again. “I am tired. You have no
idea the weights upon my mind. What it means to rule an empire and then have to deal with the petty squabbles of home life.”
I do not think that Dongmei’s future is a petty issue, but I cannot say so. I rise to my feet and bow, but I do not leave, not just yet. I have to hold out hope that he will give me some reassurance that Dongmei will not be sent away.
“I think that you are not ready to deal with such weighty issues within the harem,” he says. “Perhaps I did promote you too quickly. From now on, any major issues should be put on hold until Caihong is out of her confinement. If there is an emergency, it should go to the dowager. Do you understand?”
“Yes, your majesty,” I say. At least, I hope I do. I think he is saying that a decision about Dongmei’s future shall be put before the empress later. For now, Dongmei is safe. I think that this is for the best. I know that Caihong loves Dongmei as her own child and would never send her away. After all, all children of the harem are her children. To treat them as anything less would be dishonorable on her part.
I stand still, waiting to see if he changes his mind about dismissing me. I hope I have not damaged our relationship. I don’t love him, but I need him. I need his goodwill, his protection.
“Go,” he says, and my eyes water as I back away from him.
“Yes, your majesty,” I whisper. He was not unkind. In fact, he only sounded tired. Still, his dismissal stings. And the way he yelled at me, threw his cup, towered over me…I have never felt so afraid of him.
When I am finally out of the room, the sedan chair is waiting for me. Suyin rushes over, rubbing her eyes as she helps me inside. She had probably fallen asleep in another room, thinking that I would spend the night with the emperor as I usually do.
“My lady?” she asks, realizing that something is wrong. But I say nothing as I climb into the chair. She is going to be disappointed when she finds out that I did not gain the emperor’s support to run the harem. Quite the opposite happened. All decisions are to be postponed or put before the dowager. I am now even more powerless than I was before.
It could have gone much worse. He could have demoted me. Could have punished me. Could have done any number of things, but he did not. For that, I suppose I should be grateful. I have to hope that his anger toward me will quickly cool. I try to reflect on what I said, what could have made him so angry. I suppose it was the mere mention of Dongmei, for I can think of nothing else. He grew irritated at the very mention of his children. Why? I cannot fathom it.