"What's with the worried look?" He stopped on her porch step and touched her chin with his finger. "Something wrong?"
Her cheeks heated and she jerked her chin away. "It's nothing. Let's just go."
"No, something is really bothering you. I can tell." Standing on the lower step brought them eye to eye. Sammie's gaze drifted to his mouth then returned to his blue eyes, which darkened as they stared back at her.
Might as well bring up the one thing that bugged her most. "You haven't kissed me in a long time. Why not?"
His cheeks turned crimson. "I'm trying to behave myself, that's why."
"I understand that. But nothing at all? That's just not fair."
"I've thought about it. Believe me this is hard for me, too, especially when you look as gorgeous as you do tonight." He scanned her again with thorough appreciation. "And that dress is so hot you don't even want to know the thoughts running through my head."
"Jimmy, maybe I should tell you something…"
He shifted on his feet. Cradling her face as if he hadn't heard her, he planted a brief, tender kiss on her forehead. "Let's talk later. After the show we can come back here, if you'd like."
His unexpected kiss had caught her completely off guard. Swallowing hard, she nodded and followed him in a daze. Should she break it off? Now she was more confused than ever. When they got to her home later she would decide once and for all.
*****
The show ended up being better than he'd expected. He even got choked up a few times as he listened to the poetry recited. He drove her home in silence and figured if she wanted to talk she'd say something first. But she never did.
He pulled up in front of her house and parked. "Did you enjoy this evening?"
Sammie turned away from him, but not before he caught a glimpse of what looked like tears welling in her eyes. He hated seeing the sadness on her face, which had appeared more frequently over the past few weeks. Laying his hand gently on her shoulder, he offered a tender smile.
"Are you okay?" he asked in a hushed tone.
Sammie sniffled and avoided eye contact as if she wasn't used to anyone seeing her cry. He locked his gaze on hers when she tried to look away.
"I'm fine, really. It's just… I keep thinking about that last poet. What he said reminded me of my father."
The lost, little girl expression on her face tore at his heart. He lifted his hands and with the pads of his thumbs, gently wiped her tears away. He probed her sad, brown eyes with his. Their gazes locked and for a moment he was unable to speak, amazed at how much her raw emotion affected him. It was as if he saw the real woman now and not just the insecurity she often presented.
"Tell me about him." He released her cheeks.
"He was a good man," she stated with fondness. "Sometimes, I miss him so much I feel like this ache will never go away. It's like the only way I can function without chronic pain is to put him out of my mind. Then I worry that I'll forget him."
Her words tugged at Jimmy's heart. He understood her pain because he'd lost his father, too. "I know what you mean."
"Do you?" Sammie glanced up and something akin to hope slowly crept into her gaze. "Does the ache ever fade?"
He reflected for a moment. As a Christian he had hope, something people without Christ don't understand. Now would be a good time to talk about Jesus, if he could muster enough courage to broach the subject again. She never did go to church with him as promised, but he never reminded her about it either, so maybe she'd just forgotten.
"The hurt never goes away, but its sharpness does lessen over time."
She gazed at him with sincerity and whispered, her voice trembling, "Sometimes I feel like this empty space inside my heart is so big that nothing can fill it. You know what I mean?"
Jimmy's pulse thundered at the emotional intimacy in her words. The desperation. The need. Her eyes were so round and vulnerable-looking, it made him want to hold her close. If they weren't sitting in his vehicle, he might have provided that comfort.
Instead, he offered a tender smile. "Want to know what works for me when I'm hurting? I cry when I need to cry, and I talk about my feelings with someone who really wants to listen. And if I'm angry with God for some reason, I tell Him exactly how I feel, no holds barred."
Her chin trembled as she looked away. "I'm afraid to be that honest."
"Aw, Sam, God will heal your heart if you let Him."
Sammie stiffened. She looked at Jimmy as if he had suggested she gouge out one of her own eyes. Her voice hardened and she spoke through tight lips. "He might do that for other people, but not for me, James."
Her abrupt dismissal was so unexpected all he could do was stare. The way she said James struck a cord in him, but he couldn't figure out why. "I thought you were softening toward God. I thought you were tired of being bitter and that you were changing."
"Is that why you've stuck by me? To convert me? How touching." She crossed her arms and scowled.
"Not to convert you. Geez, Sammie, will you listen to yourself? You're being paranoid now. What's going on with you?"
She sighed and opened the truck door. "You'll never remember. I give up."
Huh? She sounded disgusted. But why?
Sammie hopped down and marched toward her house, but stopped abruptly. He watched as she slowly turned around and inhaled a deep breath. She slowly released it until her shoulders relaxed. Something was really bothering her. But what?
"Hurry up, Jimmy. I don't have all night." Sammie's voice sounded overly bright. Almost fake. The emotional switch was sudden, but he wasn't going to knock it if she had cheered up.
Jimmy exited his truck and jogged until he caught up to where she stood. He took her hand in his and they walked to her porch together in silence.
She unlocked her front door. Her hand rested on the doorknob as she turned to face him and tilted slightly forward. "Now what?"
"Is this where I leave you?" He glanced down. His blood warmed at the view down the front of her dress. That was downright mean of her, but he liked it. Too much. Since he was standing so close to her he could feel her body heat as well, and boy was she hot tonight. He cleared his throat.
"What do you want to do?"
That look in her eyes said a lot. Boy, if he could slip just this once and then tell God he was sorry later. But that would be premeditated. Plus, he couldn't do that to her even though he wanted to come inside and kiss her until he couldn't remember his first name.
"Um…" His neck heated from his thoughts and he struggled to suppress them.
"Should you leave now or should you come inside?" She watched, no doubt assessing his reaction. "Is that what you're thinking?"
Her wide eyes tempted him. He didn't want to reject her, but what could he do?
"I don't know… Should I come in?" He held his breath and hoped he was doing the right thing by asking her.
She rolled her eyes and slapped his bicep. ‘I'm too tired to get into mischief and probably have dark circles under my eyes, so that's hardly tempting."
He muttered, "You're always tempting."
"What did you just say?" She grinned and bit her lower lip. "Were you flirting with me, Jimmy? That could get you in a lot of trouble."
He slipped into his cowboy persona to help break the sensual tension. "Just saying the truth, ma'am. Beauty like yours is as scarce as hen's teeth."
She giggled and walked her fingers up his chest. "I'm not sure that's a flattering statement, but I'll assume you have good intentions."
Jimmy winked when she looked up, thrilled he'd been able to lift her spirits so easily. She'd been acting like such a downer the last few weeks. He didn't like that. "Who says my intensions would be good? Shouldn't you be kicking me out?"
Sammie gazed at him and laughed. "Would that pistol show up in your pocket again? Is that what you're worried about?"
"Yeah, that gun scares me sometimes. It has a mind of its own." He sighed.
Her lips parted as she scanne
d his face. The look of longing in her eyes was unmistakable. "Thanks for making me laugh. That felt really good."
He could think of some other things that would feel good, too. But he told himself he wouldn't go down that road again. But how could he resist the pull she had on him? He was only a man and he was standing right outside the door. All he had to do was step inside. But those few short steps could ultimately lead to disaster.
He knew he should leave while he still had some self-control. But first he needed to be honest with her. She needed to know how he felt. "Sam, I want to kiss you so bad."
She gazed up at him with tears in her eyes. "James, I… I can't do this… anymore."
With a groan, he smacked his forehead. Berating himself out loud for his all-around stupidity and lack of self-control, he mumbled, "Jimmy, you're as chuckle-headed as a prairie dog. Now she thinks you're a snake in the grass."
Peering at him from the corner of her eyes, she hissed, "Stop making light of this situation. I'm being serious."
"Aw, Sammie, loosen up." He smiled and bent forward to kiss her forehead but decided on kissing her lips instead. He touched her chin and guided her face upward. Everything transpired in slow motion.
Before their mouths touched Sammie pressed her hand against his chest and stepped back, her voice hoarse. "I don't think we should."
Was this some new strategy to make him lose his sanity? "What?"
"I don't think we should kiss anymore. It's not a good idea."
He bristled. "I think it's a great idea. You're the one who said it wasn't fair that I haven't kissed you. So now I'm going to kiss you and you push me away?"
"Yes, because you don't really want this. You don't really want me. You just think you do. I've had enough of these emotional games. I think maybe we should say goodbye to each other and end our relationship."
An ache more painful than anything he'd ever experienced hit him in the solar plexus. "You aren't serious."
Her eyes hardened. "Oh, I'm dead serious."
"But why? What did I do?"
"If I have to explain it to you then you're not as smart as I'd thought. You had your chance and you missed it. It's that simple."
"What chance? Am I missing something here?"
"Don't you get it? I'm a bad influence on you. If I wasn't a bad influence you wouldn't run from me every time you felt like you wanted to kiss me."
"That's not true."
"Isn't it? When was the last time you read your Bible? When was the last time you actually prayed? You've called Jesus your first love, but now it seems like you've left him because of me. In fact, maybe you never had a first love because you don't even remember it." Tears filled her eyes. "Why can't you see that?"
"That's crazy. That's not even true." How did she know that his walk with God had cooled down since he'd met her?
"Now you're lying." She scoured him with her gaze. "Just admit I'm right, because if I'm wrong then you're a fraud."
Suddenly he questioned her motives. Maybe there was someone else going on here that had nothing to do with him. That had to be it. "I'm not admitting anything. In fact, I think this is all just a cover up. You've got someone else on the side. Who is it? Chet?"
"Are you crazy? There's no one else. How could you even ask that?"
"Well if the dress fits…" Ouch, he should not have said that, but now it was too late.
She gasped. "You did not just say that about me!"
"You're right. I'm sorry." He swallowed hard. Sometimes he could be such an idiot he didn't even like himself.
"You know what I think?" Her eyes narrowed. "I think you've replaced your God with me. That's a scary place to be. I'm not a Christian and even I know that's wrong."
Panic shut off all reason. It wasn't true. Sure, he hadn't read his Bible like he used to, but he'd just been busy. She didn't know what she was talking about. He could change her decision. He had to persuade her to give him another chance.
Before she could stop him, he grabbed her face and kissed her with the most heated, toe-curling kiss he could divvy out. If she wouldn't listen to his words, his kiss would certainly show her she was wrong about him.
At first, she fought and twisted to try and break free. But after a minute of futile struggling, she relaxed and melted into his arms. Their passion grew more intense until he had her fully pressed against her front door. She wasn't going to break up with him. He wouldn't let her. From her enthusiastic response, he was pretty sure she'd changed her mind. They would work things out. They had to.
Before he lost all self-control, he released her mouth and bored into her with his eyes. "You don't want to do this to me, Sam. We're amazing together."
Her eyes blinked rapidly and she bit her lip. "You're right. We were amazing together. Thanks for the goodbye kiss, James. I'm going to miss you."
Without another word, she opened the door and slipped inside. He was so shocked at being brushed off that it wasn't until the door clicked shut that he realized she'd locked him out of her heart as well as her home.
What just happened to them? His head swam in grief as he tried to make sense of things. She had just rejected him for no good reason.
His eyes burned and his face flamed. How could she do that to him? After all they'd been through? How dare she? He cursed and stomped over to his GMC. He slammed the door and glanced over at her house.
The front porch light flicked off. After several long seconds and much internal debate, he turned the engine and stepped on the gas. It was a juvenile reaction but it felt good to take his anger out on the gas pedal. The engine roared so he didn't have to. They sprayed gravel and dust as he peeled out of her driveway and zipped down the road.
He didn't need this kind of grief. If she wanted to be that way, he wouldn't stop her, but she better not expect him to come running back to her. No way would he stoop that low. If she wanted to try this relationship again then she would have to make the first move. He was done with the head games.
His father had been right all along. Beautiful women were a bad idea. He should've listened to that inner voice and to his friend Sam when he'd asked him what to do. He should have dumped her weeks ago. Then he wouldn't have been on the receiving end. It hurt worse than anything he'd experienced before. Even worse than losing his parents. Probably because it was so fresh and raw.
Tears stung his eyes and he pulled off to the side of the road. For the first time he truly understood what his father had gone through with his mother and the ache welling inside him threatened to burst forth like a geyser. He had never allowed himself to fully grieve the loss of his father and then the loss of his mother. Losing Sammie had just ripped that tender wound open until it screamed with pain like someone had poured salt directly on it. He closed his eyes and rested his head on the steering wheel, and finally, he turned off the engine and let the tears flow.
*****
Jimmy woke suddenly and checked the clock on his dashboard. It wasn't so late that his friend Sam would already be in bed. He decided to pay him a visit and confess to what an idiot he had been. Sometimes having Sam chew him out felt pretty stinkin' good. Almost like having a father again. But Sam was only ten years older than him, so he was more like a big brother than a dad.
He pulled up in front of Sam's place and blew out a shaky breath. "God help me to be honest with him. I know he really cares about me, just like You do."
Ten seconds after he knocked, Sam pulled the front door open and rubbed his face. "Jimmy. What's going on?"
Jimmy swallowed and took a deep breath.
"You look terrible. Have you… have you been crying?"
He turned his face away from Sam and blinked back the sting in his eyes. He hated that his emotions had bowled him over. In some ways it was good because he'd dealt with things that he had previously ignored. But he also felt like crud after releasing all that pain inside him. His head hurt and his body felt so tired.
Sam placed his hand on Jimmy's shoulder and gave him
an affectionate squeeze. "I'm here for you, bro. Come inside and sit down. I was about to go to bed but I'm wide awake now. Just take your time."
Jimmy plopped onto Sam's couch and rested his forehead on his hands. He didn't know where to start. Maybe it would be best to talk about how good he'd been first, and then he'd see where the conversation took him.
"Want some decaf? Or some tea?" Sam called from the kitchen.
"Tea sounds good."
"What kind? I've got about twenty different types."
"How about that stuff that helps you to sleep? You got that sleepy time stuff?"
"You're in luck. Coming right up."
A few minutes later Sam arrived with a steaming cup and set it on the table beside the couch. Jimmy blew out a stress-filled breath. "Thanks."
"You're frowning. That's not a good sign." Sam sat across from him and made eye contact.
"I haven't been myself lately. I've had some pretty intense stuff going on…" He looked away.
"I noticed you've been distracted at work. Is Sammie what's going on?"
"Yes." Jimmy swallowed hard and examined his fingernails. "I didn't listen to you. I'm sorry."
"No surprise there." Sam sighed. "I prayed for you the moment you hung up the phone"
His head snapped up. Sam had a serious look on his face but he didn't seem angry. "You knew I wouldn't do what you asked?"
"Pretty much."
"How…?"
"You avoided eye contact with me at work. Come on, dude, you know how to read body language as well as I do."
"Was that all?"
"No. You also didn't want to talk much. There was a wall between us. I figured it was related to the woman you'd been seeing. I prayed for God to give you strength."
"Well, He did. I was behaving very well for a long time."
"Yet you wouldn't talk to me. Why not?" Same leaned forward. "You can tell me the truth. I'm not going to judge you for it."
The Shy Captain Page 14