He nudged her away and waited for her to look at him. When she finally looked up he held her gaze and asked in a strangled whisper, "Sammie, can I go outside and wait for you? This is too hard for me."
"Why?" Her large brown eyes widened, making him feel like he was over-reacting.
He closed his eyes and groaned. "If you need to ask, then we really are in trouble."
He sensed her staring at him until he opened his eyes and finally met her gaze. The moment his eyes locked on hers she pulled his head down and gave him the most sensual kiss he'd ever experienced. He wanted to scrap their breakfast plans and crawl deeper into the moment.
The warm, silky sensation of her mouth on his made him groan low in his throat. God help him, but he wanted to forget his convictions. Just for today. His desire fought with his spirit and he prayed fervently in his mind, "Whatever it takes God, don't let me fall. Please. I'm too weak to save myself."
The moment she gently pressed her hips against him he lost all restraint. Warmth shot through him and he heated to the core. His kisses grew more intense until he was exploring her gently with his tongue.
The way her lips gently teased his made him crazy with wanting her in every way. Their intimate dance continued until he nearly burst. He broke the kiss and panted as he held her. He had to be careful, but he didn't want to stop. This was getting dangerous but he felt powerless. He needed her to be stronger than he was, and that was a sad place to be. He was supposed to be the one with the ability to restrain his flesh, not her.
Burying his face in her hair, he inhaled her wondrous scent and tried to keep his thoughts pure. His chest heaved from the effort to restrain his passion.
The feel of her soft hair against his cheek grew more addicting the longer he held her. Her lips nuzzled his ear and gently tugged on his lobe. That sensual gesture made him crazy. He imagined taking her to bed and getting the sheets all tangled up. Now the desire was larger than life and burning out of control.
A chuckle low in her throat brought him back to the present.
"You taste so good." She whispered against his chest, her palms gliding across his back and sliding down his hips. Whoa.
He pulled her tighter. "So do you."
She squeezed him for a moment, and then stepped back. She peered at him with expectant eyes. Hungry eyes. "We're meant to be together. Do you believe that?"
All he could do was nod like a fool. His brain felt drugged as he drank in her scent and felt her soft body pressed against his.
Her hand slipped into his back pockets and she tugged him closer until his thighs pressed against her hips.
His legs nearly gave way underneath him as he pondered the things they could do right now. She slipped one hand from his back pocket and slid it toward the front of his jeans. Her other palm pressed him gently toward her, nudging him forward.
Oh man, this went beyond anything he should be doing. But he wanted to please her and the moment was too powerful to break. He knew what she wanted and he wanted to give it to her. It was that simple.
Golden brown eyes gazed deeply into his, revealing her inner soul. Her raw need made him tense all over. He had to get away before he lost himself. And how he wanted to explore everything about her right now regardless of what he knew to be right.
He should be running away from her as fast as his legs could carry him. His good sense fought his emotion, and he finally managed to put a few inches between them.
A light, sexy-sounding giggle emitted from her lips. Taking his hand in her own, she led him toward her bedroom. He followed like a lovesick puppy until she sat on her bed. Without breaking eye contact, she pulled him down and rested one of his hands on her breast. It was firm, yet soft and inviting.
He groaned and closed his eyes for a moment. "Sammie, I can't…"
She stiffened and he knew he'd offended her.
He opened his eyes. She stared back at him with a questioning gaze that seemed to ask, "Why on earth not?"
Why not, indeed? Oh, to heck with it. God forgive him, but he wasn't going to stop. Not this time. He pushed all thoughts out of his mind except for what he planned to do. She wanted him and he was tired of denying her. Of denying himself.
He started kissing her again until she laid flat on her back and pulled him closer. He was now past the point of no return with her and he didn't care anymore. She wriggled under him and moved to pull her shirt off. The little bit of conscience he had left tried to get through the haze of emotion but he shoved the conviction away as he anticipated what would come next. He grinned and propped himself up with one hand so he could watch her remove her top. As he waited he glanced over at her closet.
What he saw nearly made him leap from the bed, but he determined to stay in control until he found out the facts. He backed away from her.
Struggling with her top, she hadn't noticed him move and she whispered, "Help me get this off?"
The pulsing shock from her apparent deception made him tremble. He slowly stood. Pointing at her open closet, he saw Army fatigues, crisp uniforms, combat boots, and the works. "What's all this?"
She craned her neck to see what he pointed at. "My work clothes," she said in a voice that sounded almost hesitant, reluctant to answer.
"Work clothes…"
She nodded, her eyes trained on him.
"Are you active duty or reserves?" He clenched his fists and braced for an answer he didn't want to hear, but somehow knew was true. He should've seen the signs.
"Active duty." She sat up and pulled her shirt down. Her eyes widened and she clutched her hands together.
Jimmy ran his hand over his face, pinching the bridge of his nose. "How much longer are you stationed here?" he asked from behind his hand. Her answer didn't come immediately and he dropped his hand, staring at her.
"A few more… months." She flinched like she knew her answer would sting.
She was right. A punch in the gut would have hurt less.
"Why didn't you tell me this before?"
"I'm sorry, Jimmy. I never meant to hurt you. I—"
"You knew. I can't believe you would do this to me. Why would you keep this from me?"
"But I planned to tell you."
"When? After I made love to you? After I cared?" His pulse raced from his now-rapid breathing and he stepped further away from her.
She bit her lip, her eyes shining bright with tears. He refused to let her manipulate him.
He studied her for a few minutes, shaking as he barely restrained his outrage. He would not let her tears soften him. "I can't believe you are such a frickin' liar that you wouldn't tell me something this important."
"But I didn't lie. I just didn't tell you everything yet." She swallowed and blinked. A tear broke free from the corner of her eye. She didn't move to wipe it away. "I was afraid."
Her voice was so low he almost couldn't hear her.
"Afraid? Of course you were afraid… you were afraid you'd get caught. Why did you do this? How could you possibly think lying would be better than being straight with me?" He closed his eyes and clenched his teeth, sucking in air before pointing a shaking finger at her. "The truth is you used me."
"But I told you I worked on Fort Huachuca. And I didn’t use you."
"You deliberately left out the most important part! Did you want me in your bed that badly? Who are you, anyway? Do I even know you?" He cursed.
"How can you say that?" she sobbed.
"How long until you planned to tell me the truth, Sam? Huh? Or were you just going to wait until you were deployed to break it to me?"
"No. It's not like that. I never meant to fall for you." She pressed her fingers against her mouth and sobbed even harder.
"Oh, but it's exactly like that! This changes everything. Absolutely everything!"
"But I was going to tell you. I tried to talk to you. I swear—"
"No excuse is going to fix this. I'm so done with you, you…" Pointing in her face, he was tempted to call her a name tha
t was so vile he refused to let it come from his mouth.
He didn't have to say it… his hesitation had been enough. She gasped and shrank back from him. He cringed inwardly at the pain radiating from her face in response to his attack, but he wasn't changing his mind about her. His father was right. Women were dishonest and unfaithful. He hated that his friend Sam was right about dating a non-believer. The only good thing that had come out of this whole sordid relationship was that he'd not slept with her yet. Thank God for that.
He stormed out of her house and climbed into his car. All that emotional damage had happened in twenty short minutes. If he booked it he could still make it in time for church, but he couldn't worship God right now. Not when he was so angry with her. He closed his eyes and felt the rage flooding his veins. There was no way he was going to church this morning now matter how bad he needed it. Not when he was in such a terrible spiritual state.
Without allowing himself to ponder things too long, he decided to go see if Chet was home. He'd talk to his buddy Sam later. Right now he needed a sympathetic ear. Chet would listen and not condemn him for his mistakes. And maybe his friend would give him a beer. He could really use one right now. Anything to numb the pain.
Chapter Fifteen
Sammie collapsed on her bed and sobbed until she couldn't feel anything but a numbness settling over her soul. Everything had gone wrong. Everything. She had planned to tell him today but never got the chance. Now it was over.
From the look on his face she knew there would be no changing his mind. And while she should be angry that he'd assumed she was using him for sex, she was more hurt than anything. Did he really think that about her?
Probably, or he wouldn't have said it in the first place. And her behavior with him today didn't help matters. Why had she taken his hand and led him into her bedroom?
The wounded look in his eyes had hurt more than a stinging slap to her face would have. She'd preferred the physical pain to this level of emotional damage any day. But he'd never lifted a hand to her. Instead he'd beaten her up with his attitude and words. Whoever said names didn't hurt hadn't had the assumptions Jimmy made about her thrown in their face. The unsaid hung in the air just as painful and real as the words he'd actually used.
"Why, God? Why?" She raised her eyes and yelled at the ceiling, her hand balled in a fist. "Why do you hate me so much that you take everything from me? Every time I love someone they are ripped from my heart. Why? Do you hate me so much that you won't even let me be happy? Do you hate me that much?"
The silence that followed told her everything she needed to know. He didn't love her. He might love Jimmy and other people, but God had never loved her.
The fight suddenly left her and she collapsed on her bed, a sobbing mess, and prayed that she would be transferred out of there as soon as possible. She just couldn't face him anymore. Better to keep to herself, do her job, and wait for her next assignment.
Her time as an actress was over.
She'd played the fool and it was the worst thing she could've done.
*****
Jimmy sat on Chet's couch, his head tilted back and his lips loose from imbibing too much beer. He handled everything wrong, and the guilt was overwhelming. But she'd earned it. There was no worse betrayal than exposing your heart to someone only to be lied to and disrespected.
The sad thing was he still loved her despite the pain she'd caused him, but he'd get over her as fast as he could and he would move on. If he never got married he'd just deal with that. But having no woman at all was better than marrying a deceptive one.
"I feel for you, man. I've gotten burned a time or two myself."
He winced at Chet. "I thought you were mister grab-all-the-gusto-you-can."
"Sometimes I am. I was just trying to encourage you when I said that because it was obvious you wanted her and weren't going to take no for an answer."
A sarcastic thought came to his head and spilled out before he could stop himself. "You truly inspire me, Chet. I want to be more like you with every passing minute."
Chet frowned. "I used to think I wanted to be like you, but if this is the way you really are then there is no way I'm following Jesus. You are downright pathetic right now, you know that?"
Jimmy jumped up and tried to stand on shaky legs. He pointed in Chet's face. "You're the jerk who told me to go for it and not to worry about the consequences. How is it that you think you can preach to me? You're the heathen here, I'm not."
"If you're so righteous how is it that you can barely stand up and I'm the sober one?"
He opened his mouth to argue but conceded that Chet had a good point. So how should he respond to that? He couldn't earn his salvation through good works. He also couldn't live a sinless life because only Jesus had done that. So how could he explain the grace and forgiveness found only in a relationship with Jesus? Especially when he'd done such a terrible job lately listening to the Lord in his own life?
"I have the righteousness of Christ covering my sin."
Chet laughed so loud and so hard that Jimmy had to cover his ears. "What kind of BS is that?"
"It's true. That's what the Bible says." Jimmy's shoulder's sagged in defeat.
"Maybe that's true, Jimmy, but right now all I smell is your self-righteousness, and it stinks. Don't you realize that I knew I was your spiritual project?"
Jimmy stared at his so-called friend and wondered how Chet could be talking like this when he wasn't a believer himself. Was Chet like Balaam's donkey speaking truth into his life? It was almost too much to take, but a sudden soberness of spirit overtook him and he understood what Chet had been saying. His self-righteousness was hindering him, not helping him to be a Christ-like example to others.
Crying out to God in repentance, Jimmy plopped down on the couch and covered his head with his arms. He prayed out loud with everything he had in him. He prayed from his heart that Jesus would forgive him and help him to turn a corner in his life. Maybe he had been too proud of himself to effectively reach anyone. Maybe he needed a fresh start. He had certainly been humbled from this whole experience. How could he look his friend in the eyes again? God forgive him, but Chet was right and the truth of it cut him to the core.
He used to think he was above certain sins. His relationship with Sammie just showed him what a weak man he truly was. A man who was in need of a savior every minute of every day. He could never be good enough on his own. He'd known that in his head for years, but for the first time in his life he knew the truth of it in his heart.
As he wept for himself, for the bad witness he'd been, for how he'd dealt with Sammie and everything else he'd done lately that had messed up his walk with the Lord, he felt an arm slip over his shoulders.
When he finished pouring out his tears and offering his heart back to the Lord, he glanced up at Chet, whose eyes were also moist. "I'm sorry for the way I've treated you, Chet. I had no right to act like I was better than you."
"I forgive you. For what it's worth, I'm sorry for the bad advice I gave you."
"It's okay. I should've been listening to the Lord anyway, not to you or anyone else. I knew better. What I don't get is how hard I managed to fall when I knew better."
"Maybe because you thought you could do it on your own strength." Chet shrugged.
A light chuckle slipped from Jimmy's lips as he considered the wisdom in those words. His heart felt lighter than it ever had before, so he spoke to Chet from the depths of his soul. "If I didn't know better I'd swear you already knew the Lord. You have too much knowledge of spiritual things to be ignorant of real Christianity."
Chet looked startled for a moment and his gazed fixed elsewhere. He shook his head and stared at Jimmy. "I know a lot of this stuff because my mother was a Christian, but I've never acted on it before. I never accepted the truth. Not even after she died from that aggressive cancer. I just hated God for taking her from me. My heart was too hard to hear anything else."
"I'm sorry to hear that abo
ut your mom." Jimmy touched his friend's shoulder.
"Thanks. She was always praying for me." Chet glanced at Jimmy and shot him a sheepish grin. "Until today I thought I would never follow Jesus. But your humble confession and your repentant heart helped me to see that there is hope…even for someone like me."
Jimmy could barely contain his joy as Chet's word sank in. "You mean the mess I've made of my life actually inspired you to change?"
Chet shot him an incredulous look that seemed to say 'What are you, stupid?'
"Yeah. Believe it or not, it did."
"But I don't get it. When I was living right all you did was put me down for it. Yeah, you said you were joking, but I know you meant to hurt me with some of those jabs. I just never thought…" A lump formed in his throat and he couldn't finish.
"Never thought what? That I was listening? That I was watching you?"
He nodded and sucked in his tears.
Chet slapped him playfully on the arm. "I was just waiting for you to break down and show me your heart. But you would never be real with me before. Nobody listens to phony Christians. All that self-righteous behavior does is put a wall between you and the people you want to reach."
Jimmy hadn't thought about how his attitude might look to others. Now it seemed so obvious. So was Chet saying that every time Jimmy denied being tempted to sin that it actually pushed Chet away from Jesus? Imagine that. "You've just changed how I view my witness to others. Thanks, Chet."
"No problem. And while you were crying and praying I did some praying myself."
For the first time Jimmy noticed a true softness in Chet's eyes that he'd never before seen. The beauty of Christ shone through his friend's face. The tears he tried to contain now freely tumbled from his eyes.
Neither one of them spoke. They were both too overcome with emotion as Jimmy embraced him as a new brother in Christ.
*****
Depression weighed on her like a fully loaded bazooka balanced on her shoulders. Some days her grief was so heavy she could barely walk. After the third straight day of phoning Jimmy and getting no phone call back she became so angry she wanted to march over to his house and give him a good chewing out. But she could never get up the courage to do something that obnoxious. She was too proud to grovel after him, or any man.
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