He walked closer and sat down beside me. I knew the others were probably searching for me too, but I wasn’t surprised he’d gotten to me first. Embarrassed at being caught in such a vulnerable state, I ducked my head, refusing to look up. He’d probably followed me out here just to harass me some more. That was the point of this entire fucked up school, right? Kick me when I was down? Fuck all of these assholes and their nice guy shticks. I couldn’t trust any of them, especially not enough to let them see me like this. I’d never hear the end of it.
“Look, Aspen, I’m not in the fucking mood, okay?” My voice broke, making me wince, but I just pushed on. “Give me five minutes and then I’ll be ready to kick ass or do ten thousand push-ups or run another five miles with you, but not right now.”
“I’m not here to break you, Mel,” he whispered softly.
“That’s a fucking joke.” I laughed bitterly. “All you do here is make our lives as miserable as possible to break us.”
He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Do you think that’s something I want to do? That any of us want to do? I hate hurting you, Mel—”
“Bull fucking shit! Try the nice guy routine on someone else. I’m not buying,” I snapped, finally looking at him. His niceness had been a front the entire time. Why would he be so kind to someone like me? An ugly little girl that left her mother alone to die? That everyone wanted dead?
“I don’t have any other choice. Either we break you, or you die. Don’t you get that, Mel? It’s the only way to get through to the wolf inside you.”
I couldn’t hold back the outburst. “Then just let me fucking die!”
I bit my lip as soon as it left my mouth. I had to be strong here, or at least fake it. If people like Jorak scented blood in the water, they’d be on me like a literal pack of wolves. I couldn’t let them all know how much it was starting to get to me.
“I… Mel… Fuck.” He tripped over his words, his fingers twitching in his lap. “I thought you were here to save your mom. At least, that’s my guess after the phone call?”
I scoffed bitterly, another wave of tears threatening to spill. “Yeah, well, turns out I missed that train. She’s got days to live, less than a week at most. So what’s the fucking point?”
“So because you can’t save your mom, you’re giving up?”
“What else am I supposed to do?” I snarled, my wolf twisting inside me again, only more painful this time. At least I had a constant companion. “She’s the best person I know, but it doesn’t matter. All the assholes in the world and she has to die. I’d rather it be me.” I couldn’t keep the desperate edge from my voice any more. “She’s dying alone in a hospital because of me. I couldn't save her. I couldn’t even find her rapist and kill him for her. All I’ve done is cause her disappointment, pain, and grief.”
“Her rapist?”
Fuck it. I’d already spilled some of my personal life, why not the rest of it? What more did I have to lose?
“Yeah, one of the reasons I came here was to find her rapist and kill him for her. He thought he could tame her wolf by taking her, or at least sire another male wolf in her. Instead, he just cursed her with me. And now I’m a monster, just like him.”
“You know that’s not true, right? You’re not a monster—”
I curled up tighter, trying to hold off the pain in my chest. “You don’t know me, Aspen.”
“I’m trying to know you. I want to help you, but you can’t drop this tough guy routine for two fucking minutes to let someone help you—”
“I don’t need your fucking help! I don’t need anything from anyone!” I snapped, angry tears brimming in my eyes. “I’m not helpless! Why does everyone think I’m so helpless?”
I could see the wolf shining in his eyes. “You’re not helpless. Needing help doesn’t make you helpless. You know that.”
“I don’t need your help,” I insisted, looking away from him again and out at the dark forest.
“Okay then. I guess I’ll just leave you alone, crying in the forest.” He leaned back in the grass beside me, propping himself up on his elbows and looking at the night sky.
I continued to stare out into the woods, trying to imagine Mom back home, still a badass fighter, not in a hospital bed, hooked up to a bunch of wires. I bit my lip, hard, as I struggled to remember how strong she was
“Tell me about her.” Aspen’s voice was soft and soothing like the peaceful darkness around us..
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I, uh, what do you want to know?”
“Anything.”
I thought for a moment, unsure what to tell him. “Well, she raised me by herself. She knew that I’d have a wolf in me, too, so she did what she could to prepare and protect me. When I was five, she started bringing home guys to teach me how to fight. She met a guy named Michael boxing at the gym. He taught me the right way to make a fist. She laughed so hard when Michael told me to punch him, and I didn’t even hesitate to nail him in the balls. After he left, she told me she was proud of me.”
“You started training to fight when you were five?” He mused, but there was an undercurrent of distaste to his tone, like he was judging my mom’s parenting decisions.
“Yeah, well, it’s a different life, being a female wolf. Everything she taught me was how to hit men where it counts. So the same thing wouldn’t happen to me.”
“When did you first find out what happened to her?”
I shrugged. “I’m not sure. I feel like I’ve always known. She showed me her scars when I was six, but she’d mentioned it before, I think. I’ve hated my father since day one, and I’ve wanted to kill him for what he did to her for a long time now.”
“She told you that you were her rape baby when you were a kid?”
I bristled at his tone. “She was just being honest with me. Don’t be so judgy about things you don't understand.”
“Still, the impact that’s had on you. You know what happened to your mom wasn’t your fault, right?”
I rolled my eyes. “Of course I know that. I wasn’t even born when it happened.”
“But you still blame yourself for her pain.”
I glanced over at him again, the wolf writhing in me. Thankfully, he was still staring at the sky, so I didn’t accidentally look him in the eye. “You don’t get it.” I whispered each word with a quiet fury. “She didn’t have to have me, but she did. And I know that every time she looks at me, part of her sees him in me. I’m a constant reminder to her. She made sacrifices to protect me, but I still let her down every time. I’m my father’s daughter.
“I can feel this… this… anger tearing me up inside. I’m always so angry about everything and everyone. And now, I have to sit here in fucking Minnesota while Mom’s ripped apart from the inside out and all alone in a hospital. I was supposed to save her. I was supposed to come out here, avenge her, and find answers, but I fucked it up! I always manage to fuck it up! I just don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing anymore. By the time I get back to her, she’ll be dead. What’s the point of going back if I can’t even save her?”
I hadn’t noticed that I’d started crying again until I finished speaking. My shoulders shook as I covered my mouth with the back of my hand, trying to get myself back under control. It was selfish of me to go and make it all about me again. I wasn’t the one dying right now.
His hand settled on my shoulder, and for the first time, instead of smacking him away, I let him pull me into him. He hugged me while I cried, clutching his jacket like a baby. He stroked my hair as I cried. I’d never cried in someone’s arms before, not since Mom got sick.
He made a soothing rumble deep in his chest. “Let it all out, Mel. Let it go. I’m here.”
Part of me wanted to grip that anger, my constant fire and companion, but after everything I’d endured--the whipping, the fights, and now knowing I was going to lose Mom--it felt pointless.
“I’m just so tired,” I whispered.
His chin rested on
top of my head. “I know. Just let it all go.”
“I hate myself so much. If Mom had never had me in the first place, if she would’ve been able to find a way to tame her wolf instead of focusing all of her time on me, her life would be so different. It’s my fault she’s sick. My fault she’s dying. I can’t do anything right, Aspen. No matter what I do, I fuck it up. I always fuck it up. Why do I do that?”
“You’re doing your best, and that’s enough.”
A fresh wave of tears dripped down my cheeks. “My best won’t save Mom.”
“Stop worrying for a minute and focus on breathing. In, out,” he whispered gently. “Once you calm down, you can make a new plan. You’re not alone, Mel. You have friends here. You have me on your side.”
I closed my eyes. Inhaled deeply. And let it out. I let it all out. I let it all go. I let that ball of anger, my constant ripping companion, fizzle out into nothingness. For the first time in my life, I felt vulnerable and truly breakable.
Then my bones began to break apart.
Pain. Unlike anything I’d ever endured before. But it was a good pain. Electrifying. A surge of raw, feral energy poured through me. My bones moved and shifted, cracking into place. A shape that they’d always belonged in, but couldn’t reach.
I shoved myself out of Aspen’s embrace. Screaming, I writhed in the grass. I could feel every blade on my body. Every molecule of air. The glittering dance of starlight like diamonds. A million scents slammed into my head. Lush, rich earth. Leaves, brushed by the breeze. The man-wolf sitting before me. Reaching for me.
I threw myself away. Running. So fast. Wind tearing at my fur. My paws scrambling through the brush and over rocks. Away. I had to get away from the alpha before he could command me. Alphas were dangerous. Alphas took what they wanted. Alphas snapped and killed if challenged.
And I would always challenge. It was my nature.
I was a lone wolf and always would be.
Thank you for reading my book! The next book, Lone Wolf’s Run, will be available this fall.
About the Author
Bobbie Jo Hart enjoys writing assholes from her regular life into her stories and killing them off. In real life, she is unafraid to speak her mind and stand up for what she believes in. She is a strong advocate for social justice and a passionate defender for those she loves. She’s kind of like the Taylor Swift of RH.
She enjoys writing with her mom, throwing Pride parties at her house with her friends, and staying up all night with her sister. Her passion is creating a safe place for people to express their true selves, whether that be at a friendly Pride party or in her works.
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