by KT Strange
The sick feeling in the bottom of my stomach refused to fade away even by the time we got to the instrument store, and I followed the guys around, stuck between feeling everything and nothing at all. Finn never yelled at me. He never degraded me. He never made me feel less than. But there I was, like the ground had been ripped out right under me and I was falling forever, reaching terminal velocity and never knowing when I was going to hit rock bottom.
Ace stayed close to me as Charlie and Eli tried out guitars. The staff had realized who they were and were doing everything to accommodate them. Eventually Ace got called over to try a Fender P-Bass in bright, cherry red, and I nodded for him to go. I leaned up against an amp, mindlessly watching the few customers in the store that night. I wasn’t really looking at them anyway, just staring blankly and trying not to cry.
“Hey, do you want a water or something?” One of the sales guys had come up beside me, and I jumped, startled. He chuckled. “Sorry about that. Do you want a bottle of water or something?”
“No, no I’m good,” I said with a shake of my head.“You with them?”
Of course I am, asshole, I walked in with them didn’t I? I didn’t have time to be talked down to by a Guitar Bro, but I felt so foggy all I could do was nod.
“So like… are you with one of them?” The heaviness in his voice told me exactly what he was asking. I sighed and he bit his lip. “Not to like, ask, but you look really familiar —”-“ He flipped his phone out of his pocket and flicked it on. “Aren’t you dating Finn over there?”
Hearing his name hurt.
“That’s Eli, his brother,” I said, my voice sounding dark to my ears. “Finn’s the lead singer, hence why Eli is trying out guitars.” I should have been more polite, but I didn’t have it in me.
“Sorry,” the guy said, eyeing me more with curiosity than anything else. “Didn’t mean to pry.”
“I’m their tour manager,” my tone was short and the guy took a half-step back, “that’s why you know me, if you watch their social media. I post on there sometimes, and they post photos of me and the rest of the band too.”
“Right,” the guy said and turned away, walking over to one of the registers without another word. I closed my eyes. I’m a big believer that you shake the same hands going up that you do going down, but sometimes you’re so tired and raw that someone just gets under your skin by their very existence.
“You okay?” Charlie asked as he walked up to me, eyeing the sales associate’s back. Charlie had a guitar in one hand, a white Gibson Les Paul with distressed edges.
“Yeah I’m fine. How’s the guitar hunt?” I asked, sighing out some of my pent-up bad feelings. “Sounded pretty good. How’s the action?”
“Listen to you, and your guitar lingo,” Charlie said with a muted grin. “It’s hot.”
I laughed and poked him, that ball of misery in my gut melting somewhat.
“How is it?”
“It’ll do,” Charlie said with a pained shrug, looking at the Gibson. “It’s not Betsy, but it’s alright.”
“You named your guitar?” I asked.
“Babe, all good players name their guitars,” he replied. I couldn’t help but smile at him.
“I never did,” Eli said, cat-quiet as he snuck up on us both. “Ace’s going to be here forever if you don’t tell him to pick something.” He had a case in his hand already. I wondered what kind of guitar he’d picked for himself. He didn’t catch my eye, gazing steadily at Charlie.
“You go break his heart,” Charlie said. “I’ve gotta talk to Darcy.”
“Uh huh,” Eli said, his eyes cutting to me finally. It felt like he was pulling back from me even further, looking at me with what seemed like disgust before he turned to holler for Ace.
It was just pouring acid on the wound that had been sliced heart-deep in my chest. I stood there, hollowed out and discarded.
“Hey,” Charlie murmured, “c’mon. It’s gonna be okay. They’ll come around.”
That thought almost made it worse.
“What?” I asked. “What do you mean by that?”
Charlie’s eyes closed for a moment and he sighed before he looked at me again.
“I know they’re being —”
“Assholes. Both of them. They’re being assholes. You know I didn’t do anything wrong. Right? Like, nothing. From the beginning I warned Finn, but you know him, he just does what he wants —” I shut up abruptly when Guitar Bro returned to us, either not realizing we were in the middle of a personal conversation, or not caring.
“Hey there, Charlie Gage, right?” Guitar Bro said, offering his hand to take the guitar Charlie held. “Let me get you the case for that.”
“Thanks man,” Charlie said, smiling in a way that didn’t quite reach his eyes.
“You know, I once sold a cow bell to My Chemical Romance,” Guitar Bro said, and we all stood there in awkward silence for a few seconds before he mumbled about getting the case and scuttled off.
“Huh,” Charlie said after a second, his voice low. “You see that? He dropped something.”
I blinked, eyes scanning the ground between us and where Guitar Bro had gone.
“Really, what?”
“A name,” Charlie said, and then burst into laughter. I groaned and elbowed him.
“You’re not funny.”
“Oh like hell I’m not,” Charlie replied and then wrapped me up in his arm. “C’mere.” He hugged me tight and pressed a chaste, platonic-looking kiss to the top of my head. I yelped into his neck as he half-crushed me. “I wanna see a smile on that face,” he whispered into my ear before he let me squirm out of his grip.
“Maybe I don’t want to smile, Charlie,” I said. His eyes softened.
“It’ll be okay,” he promised me. “Finn’ll come around.”
“You’re acting like I’ve done something wrong again,” I said, my voice trembling. “What if I don’t want to forgive him, huh?”
Charlie went still for a moment, his eyes flickering with what looked like low-key panic.
“You don’t mean that,” he said.
“Not now, Charlie,” I said, feeling like all the energy had been sucked out of me. I felt the strong urge to crawl into Max’s bunk and have her wrap her arms around me. I closed my eyes tight. I needed to talk to Wolfe and see if he could put me in touch with her. And I needed more clothes, specifically underwear. Somehow the thought of going shopping on Wolfe’s dime didn’t have the same allure as it had earlier.
I zoned out during the final purchases, but remembered vaguely that the drums, amps, and a PA with mixing board and microphone set would be delivered to the apartment the next day. The guys loaded into the car for the trip home, laden down with cables, and their precious new instruments. Ace talked nearly nonstop, Charlie’s hand on mine, keeping me grounded. It helped, considering Eli sat in silence, like he was fuming.
The apartment was lit up when we got up to the top floor, but instead of feeling relieved that Cash and Finn were there, I didn’t know what to say. Cash sought me out immediately, giving me a hard, intense kiss.
“Sweetheart,” he said, “you okay?”
“No,” I didn’t bother lying. So often I hid how I was really feeling. Maybe that’s why this had unfolded the way it had. I was still keeping my truth to myself more often than not. Maybe if I’d made Finn listen to me to begin with, forced him not to out us as a couple, then this wouldn’t have blown up in our faces. “Where is he?”
“Balcony,” Cash said with a jerk of his head. Before I could move, Eli growled and crossed the apartment from the foyer, flinging the door to the balcony wide open.
“Shit.” Cash ran after him. I was a few seconds behind, pushing past him just in time to see Eli to rip Finn a new asshole.
“—the fuck were you thinking?! With your dick, like always! Wasting the one chance we had, flashing her around like that! You risked everything, Finn, and everyone of us!” Eli’s shoulders were tense, Finn facing away fr
om him, his hands fisted at his sides.
“I told you to leave me the fuck alone,” Finn’s voice was barely audible. The night air was crisp, blowing his words away from us. I swallowed hard.
“Finn,” I interrupted, not wanting this to get even more out of hand. I was upset with him, but I needed to be the bigger person and calm Eli down. Yelling was just going to make it worse.
“What?” Finn asked, finally turning. The look on his face forced me back a step, and I bumped into Cash, startled at the rage I saw there. “I don’t need you to protect me from my brother. I can handle him.” He glanced at Eli, growling. “I can fucking handle you any day of the week.”
My patience, a twisted thread, finally snapped.
“This isn’t my fault!” My breath shuddered out of my lungs, and I felt it, the crackle of electricity inside of me, answering the adrenaline rushing through me. Finn refused to look at me, his own breathing erratic and heavy in his chest as he stared at his brother. Eli stared right back, face impassive. “Finn!”
“What!?” His head snapped back to me, his blue eyes dark with anger as he stared me down. Cash’s hand found the small of my back, rubbing there.
“Take it down a notch, Finn,” Cash said, keeping his voice calm. “You too Eli. We’ve got enough on our plates without fighting like this.”
Finn’s expression faltered and the hurt behind the anger finally surfaced.
“You weren’t a mistake,” he said to me, an ache in his voice I wanted to soothe even if I was still trembling with anger and hurt over how he’d treated me earlier that evening. “I don’t want anyone to think that me showing the world how much I loved you was a mistake.”
“You’re picking a weird-ass way of showing it,” Cash replied.
“Fuck this,” Eli said. “I’m going to bed.” He turned to leave and Finn growled.
“You know if you weren’t so up your own ass, you’d be in the same situation that I was, and then maybe you’d damn well understand what I’m going through —”
Eli cut Finn off with a roar, spinning and tackling his brother to the ground. I stumbled back as Cash shoved around me, reaching the brothers in two strides. He reached down, wrapping an arm around Eli’s neck and hauling him backward, his muscles straining. Eli fought him every inch of the way, nearly lifting Cash off of his feet. Charlie pushed past me, getting between Finn and Eli, shoving Eli’s chest hard.
“Goddammit, stop it,” Charlie’s voice was sharp over Eli’s growls. “Stop it!” Finn was getting to his feet, snarling,and Charlie grabbed hard onto the front of his shirt.
“Darcy,” Ace’s voice cut through the noise as I stood there, the world falling apart around me. It was too much. The guys, fighting, everything...
I exhaled, the live power crackling out of me in thin whips, wrapping around Eli and Finn, yanking them hard. They were pulled through the air, right out of Charlie and Cash’s grips, and they went tumbling to the ground as the physical manifestation of my electricity faded with a soft pop.
I stood there, staring down at them. Had that really just happened? A stunned silence fell over the balcony, the only noises coming from the streets below; the rush of traffic, and the hum of street lights.
Twin pairs of eyes stared up at me, one furious, the other betrayed. Finn was panting softly, his lips parted. I felt the weight of the stares from the rest of the pack, but I couldn’t bear to look at them. There was something that felt sinister in what I’d just done, using my powers on them like that.
“Stop fighting,” I said, my voice sounding weak to my own ears. “Just, stop. It’s done.” I swallowed hard. Ace stepped up to stand beside me, and I knew if I reached out, I’d find his hand with mine. I didn’t want to though. I wasn’t feeling all that much like leaning anyone right then after the shit Finn had pulled.
“I…” I didn’t have any more words. I didn’t have the words to explain to them how I was feeling. It was too complicated. I took a step back and swallowed. “Grow up.”
Eli’s eyes narrowed and I glared right back.
“You especially,” I said, before turning my back on him. “I’m going to bed.” I stormed inside, my steps only faltering when I was halfway down the hall. It was just too much. I ran into the master bedroom, throwing myself down on the bed as the tears started, shaking my whole body. Wave after wave of grief and betrayal crested inside of me.
One thought crystalized after the tears stopped for a moment, giving me a reprieve.
Eli hates me.
That felt like it was the at the heart of the matter. Eli hated me and it was driving the band apart. I took a shaking breath and sat up, and tried to calm myself, tried to think rationally.
“Darce? Doll?” Cash was at the door, hesitating. I glanced at him from under sandpaper eyelids. He stepped inside and sat down on the edge of the bed, cautiously, like he was afraid to startle me.
“I’m okay,” I said, feeling outside of my own body, my voice a hollow echo.
“Everything’s quiet. They’re calmed down. I — we, all of us, that was new. The thing you did with…” He huffed and shifted on the bed. I closed my eyes tight.
“I just wanted them to stop,” my voice dropped low. Cash reached out his hand, brushing his fingertips over the back of my hand.
“Well it worked. They’ve stopped.”
“Are they talking?” I asked. Cash shook his head, no.
“Well maybe that’s an improvement.” We sat there for a moment.
“I think he’s just so crazy with loving you, that not being able to be like that with you is driving him —” Cash shut his mouth when I glared at him.
“Love doesn’t mean treating the person you love like crap when things don’t go your way..” I took an unsteady breath. “What happened today was not okay.” Cash looked stricken. I tried not to snap at him. Really, I tried, but I was so done.
“Are you ever gonna forgive him?” he asked.
“It’s hard to forgive someone who hasn’t even said he’s sorry,” I pointed out. Cash licked his lips.
“That’s… yeah, okay.”
“And he needs to stop acting like his masculinity is threatened every time I ask him if he’s okay. He nearly died a few days ago. I’m allowed to be fucking concerned.” I rubbed at my face. “I really have to sleep. Are you sure they’re okay?” I asked. I needed to sleep and I needed to cry, not in that order.
“Yeah, doll, we’ve got it under control. You sleep.” Cash sighed as he got to his feet. “We’re taking turns watching the two of them so they don’t go for each other’s throats again.”
“Good,” I whispered, voice hoarse. “Just… yeah. Good.”
Cash leaned down and I closed my eyes. He kissed me slowly, gently, his lips warm on mine.
“You’re worth it,” he murmured, pulling away. “Don’t forget that.”
Seventeen
Darcy
I slipped out of bed the next morning, trying not to feel upset that Finn and Eli were absent from the puppy pile. All I cared about was that it was a new day. I was dressed and out the bedroom door before anyone could bother me, determined to show my face at the label and maybe get ahead of Gem and Troy and their plans for the band.
If we knew what was coming, maybe it wouldn’t feel so much like the world was being flipped upside down. I was still ragged inside over what Finn had said the day before, and the way Eli had looked at me like he wished I didn’t exist.
“Darcy?” Ace wandered out of the bedroom rubbing his face as I made myself coffee in the kitchen.
“I gotta go in to the label,” I said with a smile. His hair was tousled, and he was shirtless. Definitely a nice sight to see as the city woke up. He smiled, eyes half-shut.
“The guys are asleep,” he said with a yawn. “Want me to go in with you?”
“No, I’m good,” I said, pouring my coffee into a travel mug, courtesy of Wolfe’s fully stocked kitchen It was bad enough we needed to replace our personal belongings, a
nd the band’s instruments. Shopping to furnish an entire apartment would’ve been just one step too far. Our world was crazy enough already. Ace grabbed me by the hips and held me against him for a solid moment. I let him, closing my eyes and inhaling his subtle scent, the power of his werewolf form floating just under the surface. It was addictive, being close to him, and in a way it recharged me. His thumb came up to rub across the faint mark of his bond-bite on my neck and I shivered.
“I think you did right last night,” he said, keeping his voice quiet. “Those two are too much like each other when it comes down to the brass tacks, and yeah it sucks, but this is temporary. All we have to do is show how amazing we are, get that second record contract, and we’re golden. Then it won’t matter who we love, or how we show it.”
I tilted my head up to look at him and he smiled sheepishly, shrugging.
“Anyone tell you that you’re smarter than you look when you’re not caught trying on women’s underwear?” I teased gently. His cheeks flushed pink and he groaned, pulling me hard against him so my face was smushed into his chest.
“I am never going to live that down.”
“Live what down?” Cash asked as he strolled into the kitchen. “Oh, coffee.” He swiped my travel mug before I could save it from him and he took a long swig.
“Hey,” I protested. He made a face.
“Ugh you put way too much sugar in this. You’re already sweet doll, you don’t need it,” he said, passing me the tumbler as Ace let me go.
“Get your own coffee,” I said, “and don’t try those dumb lines on me.”
“Why? They work. Get you all swoony,” Cash said as he pulled a mug down for himself and poured a cup of black coffee. Ace snickered.
“He thinks he’s a ladies’ man,” he said, kissing me once. “Don’t break his heart and tell him otherwise.”
“I’m offended,” Cash retorted, not sounding it at all, and he swooped his arms around me and pulled me in for a kiss.
“This is is a nice way to wake up.” I rested against him for a moment.