I unlock the doors and open the back so Chewie can jump in. I climb in the driver’s side and Terra climbs in the passenger side but not before calling out to Jake. “Babe, can you go inside and make sure Finn doesn’t clock Declan? Love you!”
“I’m on it, Tink.”
I watch him jog back into the restaurant. Terra’s brown eyes are laser focused on me. Her mouth is set in a tight line before she speaks. “We’ve talked about this.”
I nod. “We have. But we’ve never once agreed on it.”
Jake always says Terra looks like Tinkerbell with her tiny build, light hair, freckled narrow nose, and piercing but sparkling dark eyes. But let me tell you, Tinkerbell can put the fear of God in you with one of her angry faces. She’s doing it right now. “Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.”
It’s the eighth step in the twelves steps we follow in Alcoholics Anonymous. She’s on her last semester of an addiction therapy degree. She presses her lips together tightly again and inhales deeply through her nose. For a second I think she might be about to meditate, something she’s been doing since she was sixteen, but instead she throws step nine at me. “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
She leans forward and tries to put her hand on my forearm, but Jake’s jacket is so big it’s covering her hands completely. “That family flat out asked for money as an amends, and we gladly gave it to them. I know that doesn’t feel like enough to you, but it was for them. All that money did was save you from the court of public opinion, not a real court. Not real charges.” Terra sighs. “I am so damn sick of trying to make you see that you don’t need to walk around drowning in guilt for the rest of your life or punishing yourself. You are a different person. A better one. You’re allowed happiness. Joy, even God damnit!”
“Declan doesn’t think so,” I remind her even though I know I don’t have to. He made a point of reminding everyone a couple minutes ago.
“Declan is a vortex of misery,” Terra barks back, her dark eyes sparking with frustration. “I’m reaching a breaking point with him. We didn’t fight so hard to get you sober and keep you safe to have you live a joyless life!”
“The date went great,” I blurt out. She’s got her mouth open, about to continue lecturing me, but now she’s speechless. She twists her head to face me, mouth still open in an O. I smile sheepishly. “Better than great. Best I’ve ever had, but that’s not really a high bar. But—”
Her hand shoots up between us, jacket finally slipping down to reveal her palm facing me, silencing me. “Do not do that,” she commands. “Do not down play this or blow it off. Just give me the details. Is this the brunette Nova saw?”
“Yes. She’s my landlord. And you’ve met her. Chloe Hale. She came in for a server job, but you didn’t hire her.”
“Oh my God! Really? Chloe?” Terra's delicate features twist for a second with something that passes too quickly for me to decipher and then she’s smiling. “You sneaky bastard. I had no clue you spoke more than two words to her.”
“She mentioned she had an apartment in her house she was looking to rent and I jumped on it,” I explain. “But I didn’t say anything because I was waiting to see if social services liked the place and Chloe seemed to want to keep her distance from me for some reason, which worked for me. But then…well she needed my help when she slipped on some ice, and she invited me over for brunch as a thank you,” I reply and I want to grin but I can’t bring myself to do it now. “It went great and I like her so I kissed her but now I realize I shouldn’t have.”
Her smile fades and her eyes grow serious. “Why?”
“Because of this shit. All of this secrecy over what I did.”
“You didn’t do anything except pass out in a car,” Terra argues and she looks so frustrated she might scream. Instead she slaps the dash. “Your alcoholism is a disease, just like my lupus is. And you’re fighting it now, so you deserve some credit for that Logan. You don’t deserve to be punished for the rest of your life by Declan or yourself. And as for your past… well, it needs to stay there.”
“I was so happy before this fucking meeting and now I’m just fucked up.” I have that dark voice whispering in the depths of my soul again. Telling me to numb the uncomfortable feelings with something. Something liquid with a high alcohol content. “I need to go to a meeting.”
“Yes you do, and talk to your sponsor too,” Terra advises. She stares at me for a long second, her chocolate eyes swirling with concern, and then she leans over and kisses my cheek.
“Gross, you kiss Jake with that mouth,” I say trying to lighten the mood as I rub my cheek.
She doesn’t smile though. “I know you hate secrets, so I have to tell you something. The day you met her, I hired Chloe to rebuild our website and make us an app for the restaurant. And I made her promise not to tell anyone, which is why she probably hasn’t told you.”
“You run this by Declan?”
“I will when it’s done. He isn’t the only one who can take the lead on something and loop the family in later,” Terra replied. “I know what I’m doing. I promise.”
The feeling of dread clenching my gut doesn’t dissipate. “Now she’s a restaurant employee. Kind of. And I’m already her tenant. The universe is proving this isn’t a good idea.”
“Don’t be a negative nelly, Logan,” Terra says and leans closer. “Look at this differently. Like maybe all the ways you and Chloe are suddenly intertwined is the universe throwing up hella signs that you’re meant to be together.”
“Hella signs? Okay there, Slim Shady of Spirituality, simmer down.” I chuckle and reach out and ruffle her hair. “Go stop world war three in there and don’t worry about me.”
She opens the passenger door and jumps out. “Oh and one more thing. I do a lot more than just kiss Jake with this mouth.”
“Shut up!” I yell but she’s already closed the door.
I watch her run back to the restaurant and don’t leave until she’s safely inside. Then I Google AA meetings and drive toward the one that starts in an hour and a half one town over.
I pull into the driveway fairly late—seconds to midnight—so I’m shocked to see Chloe awake and standing in the yard. She’s wearing Ugg boots and a robe over what are clearly pajamas. Flannel ones. Her long hair is tied back in a low ponytail, and there’s a fuzzy gray knitted hat crammed on her head with a giant pom pom on the top. She’s adorable and sexy as fuck in an odd ball way.
“Hey,” I say as I get out of my car. I hate that I wish I hadn’t run into her. I almost didn’t go to my family meeting because this afternoon all I wanted to do was stay here and keep kissing her. But now, after an unwanted reality check thanks to Declan laying the guilt on me again and the AA meeting I just attended, I almost regret the kiss. Well, I mean I don’t, but I feel like I should. Because I don’t know what the hell I can offer her.
The meeting tonight grounded me but not in a good way. One of the guys who spoke has fallen off the wagon after seven and a half years sober. He says he started to lose control when his girlfriend left him. He met her online and really hit it off but he didn’t tell her he was a recovering alcoholic. She did a Google search on him after a month and a half of dating and found his DUI record and dumped him. He explained he was tired of being alone, and felt like he would never find someone who accepted him so he started drinking again. Ended up drunk at work, got suspended, and just came back from rehab. It made me think. I was in complete control over cravings right now, keeping myself focused on work and River and family. Would I be if I started dating Chloe and it went sideways? Was it fair to get involved with her if I had to keep this secret – the truth about why I got sober – from her? I wasn’t sure but I sure as hell didn’t want to hurt her, or myself.
This thing with Chloe was fast and kind of out of nowhere and riddled with complications. Maybe it was too much too soon? Maybe I wasn�
�t ready for uncomplicated and slow let alone this.
I let Chewie out of the car and he runs over to lick Boss on the head. Boss growls but his tail is wagging. Chloe reaches up and adjusts the hat on her head. “I didn’t want you to catch me looking so…frumpy.”
“I’ve seen worse,” I say, ignoring the apprehension in her eyes and walking closer.
“Stop comparing me to your emergency victims,” she giggles softly, and it’s a beautiful sound.
“I was actually comparing you to you,” I reply and wink because I can’t muster a grin. “Last night with the blood and the puke breath was way worse than tonight. Tonight is kinda hot. You’re working this frumpy thing hard. Is that smeared mascara under your eyes?”
“I didn’t have time to take off my make-up. Now I wanna run inside and hide from you forever.”
“That might not be a bad idea,” I mumble as our eyes meet. My words cause a flicker in her playful, light-hearted gaze. I almost regret the comment, but the fact is, I have to be honest with this woman…at least when I can be. “I mean, I don’t want you to. I really liked hanging out with you today. But I’m not exactly sure what I’m doing. Or if I should be doing anything. Not just with you, but with anyone.”
“Welcome to the club,” Chloe replies with a soft, sheepish smile as her smoky eyes follow the dogs who are still chasing each other. “I’ve got a complicated past and a horrible track record with dating since my husband. He was my high school sweetheart so I have no history of dating before him.”
“Today was my first sober date, ever. To be honest, I’ve been okay with that. I’ve really wanted to dedicate my time and energy to River, work and family...” Be honest Logan. “And sobriety. It’s not always easy.”
“The last thing I want to do is make sobriety hard,” Chloe looks horrified at the thought. Stevie wanders over to Chloe’s feet and barks like she’s had enough. Chloe bends to pick her up. “And I assume that your life isn’t getting any easier. Especially if River gets to spend weekends with you.”
“Yeah,” I nod. “That’ll be great, and I want him here as much as possible for as long as possible, but he’s a killer on my personal time and I have to really be present when I’m with him. I mean I want to be, you know? I lost the first year of his life to booze.”
We stare at each other in silence, the only sound is the crunch of snow under Chewie’s paws as he wanders looking for a place to pee. I can see the understanding in her eyes and the spark that was there when we kissed is flickering out like the last flame in a fireplace. I see something else…relief? She really is as unready for this as I am, just like she said.
“Okay. Say no more.” Chloe glances at me and there’s a weird look of acceptance that I don’t like. She thinks I’m trying to distance myself from whatever it is we’ve started and she’s allowing it to happen. “I should go inside. I have to work in the morning and it’s late…and freezing. Boss!”
“Terra mentioned you are re-designing our website on the down-low. Without Declan or anyone’s knowledge,” I say, because I don’t want her to go back into her part of the house. If she does, then this is over. For real. It will be like it never happened.
“She told you?” Chloe blinks when I nod. “Okay. Good. I mean secrets are the worst. Anyway, when you think about it, between that and the fact that I’m your landlord, this is a horrible idea. I think it’s great we get along, but to keep it that way, we should go back to being friends.”
“Friends who accidentally kissed.” It’s a joke but neither of us laugh or even crack a smile because it’s not funny. It’s also not true. There was no accident. I wanted her. I still do.
She calls Boss’ name again, harder this time, and the little black dog begrudgingly leaves my behemoth, his new crush, and trots over to her. The only thing colder than the air around us is the feeling in my chest at the idea that this is going to end before it begins. Even though it would make my life less complicated to let it happen. Even though I may end up breaking her heart or having her break mine…even though I don’t have a clue how to be with someone while this secret is tucked into my soul, eating away at it, I suddenly can’t let her walk away. That feeling I had while kissing her will leave with her and won’t ever come back. So I step in front of her as she turns to make her way up the stairs and into her house. She blinks but won’t look up at me. It’s only Stevie that holds my gaze with her old, cloudy brown eyes.
I pull my hand from my pocket and gently touch her chin and tip her head up. Her eyes, gray and stormy and beautiful, meet mine. Her mouth parts, like she’s going to say something, probably something placating and reassuring, to make me feel like I’m not screwing us both out of happiness. I step half a foot closer. Our bodies are flush, and so are her cheeks, and it has nothing to do with the chill in the night air. “Logan…”
“Fuck it,” I release the words on a sigh. A sigh of surrender. And then I take her mouth with mine. I push my way right into her mouth, which tastes of spearmint toothpaste, and sparks go off like fireworks on the Fourth. My whole body wakes up. She shifts Stevie to the side so the little furball isn’t crushed between our bodies, and her other hand snakes into my hair at the back of my neck, holding me to her like I would ever pull away. I’m in now. Good or bad, like it or not. I am going for this.
We make out like teenagers right there in the inky, cold night for endless minutes. It’s not enough, either. I want so much more from her. I’m suddenly wild with need. Like I was the first few days in rehab. Except what I need is sex. I want to fuck her. Now.
Boss barks and Chewie growls and we break apart to see what the problem is. Chewie never growls. Chloe jumps out of my arms. “Mrs. Green’s porch light came on. Run!”
She darts for her stairs, but I grab her hand and pull her around the side of the house to my apartment door. We’re out of view from Mrs. Green’s intrusive gaze now so I press her against the clapboard siding of the house and cover her mouth with mine again. She responds as eagerly as she did before. But against my lips she whispers, “This is crazy. We’re saying one thing and doing another.”
“I know. But my body and brain have never been friends,” I reply and move my lips down the column of her long, smooth neck. She shivers as I nuzzle into her. “I want you.”
“I want you too,” she admits in a ragged gasp.
Chewie whines, clearly sick of sitting in the snow watching our PG-13 make-out session. I pull away from her. Our eyes lock. “I’m going to go inside and I’m going to pull you with me. If you let me.”
I pull my key from my jacket and open the lock on the front door. I have one hand on the handle, and as I twist it open, I hold out my other one palm up toward her. She’s leaning against the wall still, her head tilted to rest against it. Her eyes, gleaming in the moonlight, look at my hand and back up at me. She holds my gaze as she reaches out and drops her hand in mine.
Boss and Chewie scurry past me into the apartment, and I yank Chloe behind them. I kick the door closed with my boot, shutting out all my doubts and worries with one hard slam.
13
Chloe
This is insane. I am not this girl. Except, right now, I am this girl. She’s the only girl I want to be. The carefree, sexually confident woman who has itches and isn’t afraid to get them scratched by the hottest man she’s seen in…well, maybe ever. I bend to put Stevie on the ground. Boss has followed Chewie into the living room and Stevie wanders off on her own adventure. I stand upright and see Logan dropping his keys on the kitchen counter and reaching for the light. I grab his hand and stop him. Confusion passes over his rugged features in what little light is filtering in through the window above the sink. I don’t want to explain to him that if he makes this room any brighter, I’ll likely chicken out. This new me likes the dark, where I can hide my scars, physical and otherwise. So instead of speaking, I just throw myself at him. I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him hard. He invades my mouth again, and his big warm hands cup my ass and p
ull me even closer.
My whole body cheers YES like a cheerleader after a touchdown.
I’ve never understood people who act on impulse. I have always been a thinker. An overthinker, if I’m honest with myself. On more than one occasion, I’ve circled a half-empty parking lot twice before picking the right spot. I hate when decisions are made for me without me being able to process all the options. Whenever I would see someone make a snap decision or do anything on a whim, I would feel panic for them deep in my bones.
Once in my freshman year at college, a bunch of us went to a carnival in town. There was a bungee swing thing and my roommate took one look at it and announced we had to try it. I absolutely refused. I was the only one she couldn’t talk into it. When they were finished plummeting a hundred feet and swinging wildly back and forth, I was ready for an Ativan, but they were all grinning like they’d won the lottery. I never, ever understood how uncertainty, surprise, and sheer panic could bring exhilaration, but this…wanting a man so badly I don’t care how little I actually know about him, or that I told myself was off-limits, repeatedly, or that I may be about to have my first one-night stand, which is something I’ve never done or wanted to do…this is how I think that bungee swing felt for those college friends.
Right now, I’m an adrenaline junkie. Logan Hawkins is my fix. I start to pull off his jacket, which thankfully is undone and easy to remove. He rips my stupid hat off my head and then tugs at the zipper on my parka. I stumble as I kick out of my Uggs and almost tip over. That’s sexy, I’m sure. I want to groan in humiliation but I don’t have a chance because Logan’s big strong hands are steadying me, and then he picks me up and plops me down on his counter. He pulls off my boots and drops them on the floor and then steps in between my legs.
The Winter We Collided: A Small Town Single Dad Romance (Ocean Pines Series Book 2) Page 13