by C L Walker
“No, I don’t want a damn drink,” he said. “What the hell do you mean he doesn’t understand boundaries? You say it like it’s not a big deal but judging by the look of panic you had on your face I’d say otherwise.”
He was angry, but I didn’t understand why, it was none of his business.
“I don’t want to talk to you about this,” I said, rather than answer his question.
“I see you still make excuses for people who don’t deserve it.” A chuckle of disbelief escaped from his mouth as he ran his hand through his hair and looked away.
When his eyes found mine again it hit me, they conveyed the truth of what he knew, he had never forgotten about me either.
I felt a fire blaze inside of me that had been smoldering for a long time just waiting to rage out of control, and I didn’t want to keep it down any longer. I wanted to burn, and I wanted him to burn with me.
I pushed his chest, but he didn’t move, he only looked down at me with disappointment in his eyes.
“Fuck you, Micah, you could have told me that you remembered me instead of being a prick for no reason.”
“Why should I have?” He tipped his head to the side and lowered it so he could look more closely into my face. “You told me to mind my own business, remember?” He waited but I said nothing because he knew that I remembered. “That means you don’t want me around and that you don’t want or need my help, so I didn’t feel the need to say anything to you. And besides, I really don’t give a damn about how you live your life.”
“If you don’t care then why are you over here?”
“Because–” He searched my face.
“Because why?”
“Because I find you and your weakness intriguing despite my best efforts not to,” he answered in a silky tone.
My mouth dropped open, but nothing came out as the air shifted between us once more.
“It makes me wonder,” he said, and I saw the change in his eyes. It was as if a switch were flipped and just like that his anger was funneled into a mischievousness that scared me far more.
“I wonder,” he repeated softly, and he took a step closer to me which made me back into the door. “What could I do to you without facing any repercussions?” He put a hand by my head and leaned in further. “If you allow a man like him to get away with putting his filthy hands on you then surely mine would be welcomed, wouldn’t they?”
Gone was the boy who made jokes about my thievery and eating habits, as he had been replaced by the man in him who simultaneously made my heart flutter and made my feet itch to run.
I didn’t even have time to process his words because I was so consumed with the proximity of his body and his scent that engulfed me, fresh and cool as it was, like a fall breeze on a sunny day.
I didn’t answer but in my delirious state I stopped pushing against his chest and I let my arms drop to my sides.
He tsked as he leaned in even closer to me, bringing us a breath shy of touching. “Why do you always give in?”
I hadn’t given in to him, there was just something about his voice and the fresh smell of his cologne that tricked me into wanting to pull him closer instead of pushing him away.
But it changed nothing.
“I…I’m not.” I shook myself.
“Fuck, you piss me off!” he said, before he spun around and left.
I give in so easily because it’s the only way I know how to survive.
Seven
Skylar
On Saturday I went over to Sai’s house as planned and it was of no surprise when I was ushered into his living room and the menu for my favorite movie was on his tv. And just when I had thought he was going to make me watch Star Trek he put on my favorite instead, he was a sweetheart.
I was excited as always because movies provided me an escape, they reminded me that there was a whole world out there beyond my cage and all the pain I had felt throughout the years.
His living room was almost bigger than my mother’s whole trailer, and it sported a leather sectional and black carpet so thick my feet sunk into it; it was like walking on clouds and I relished every minute of it.
His family owned an Indian food chain restaurant that they had built from the ground up with ‘secret’ family recipes. His parents were first generation immigrants from India who were still married and very much in love and he had three younger sisters. His family was the opposite of mine in every sense of the word… if you’d even call what I had a family. I wouldn’t.
His parents had been kind to me in the nine years we had been friends, but they kept their distance. I got the feeling that they were watching closely and at any sign of mischief from me they were going to pull him away.
When we first started hanging out, they had made it clear that he was not allowed over at the trailer and I couldn’t blame them. The world didn’t know how abusive my mom was but considering how many nights I had to drag her home from the tavern there was no point in trying to hide the fact that she was a drunk.
“I still can’t believe what a prick that guy is, there’s nothing more irritating than bullies,” I said, once the movie was over, referring to a character I had already expressed my distaste for a million times over.
Sai lied across from me on the couch as he ate the rest of the popcorn and I waited for what he had to say because he always had something to say about everything.
“Don’t you think he is a necessary evil though? And honestly, I don’t think he’s beyond redemption as seen at the end of the last movie.”
“I’m sorry but once you even think about hurting someone to save yourself, you are trash,” I said passionately.
“You’re always too hell bent on the right and wrong of it, Skylar. Sometimes the lines blur.”
“I don’t like blurry lines, you’re either good or you’re evil.”
He shook his head. “That’s not fair, you leave no room for mistakes or redemption.”
I huffed even though I knew he was right. “Define mistakes.”
“You’re tiring sometimes,” he said. “I thought you had the hots for him anyway.”
“I did when I was younger.” I laughed when he rolled his eyes at me.
“Women.” He shook his head in disappointment. “You all say you want a nice guy but that’s just not the truth of it is it?”
I shrugged my shoulders because I couldn’t really argue his point. There was a certain appeal to bad boys and for some reason it seemed many girls believed they were special enough to get the guy to change his ways. Everyone wanted a reformed bad boy; the problem was most assholes stayed assholes. You can’t force people to change, they have to want it themselves.
“On a serious note.” He sat up, moved over to me, and got all serious like.
“Oh, no. What’s going on now?”
“Nothing, I just want to know if you are okay today?” he asked. “Or lately, I should say.”
He reached his hands up and grabbed both my cheeks and squished them in towards my nose.
“Yeah. What’s it to you?” I struggled to get the words out with my face squished in. “Can you not?” I pushed his hands away and we laughed.
“You’ve been a little off, I guess. I know your birthday is coming up and you have big plans so maybe you’re anxious or I’m anxious for you. I don’t know, it’s something.”
“I’m doing great, no worries.” I tried to reassure him of things I wasn’t sure of myself.
“Good. Have you saved up enough for first and last somewhere?”
“I need a little more to have everything covered but I will meet my goal. The apartments behind the school rent out studios for cheap so as long as I’m working at least thirty hours a week I’ll make it.”
“I wish you’d let me help you in some way.”
“You’ve already done enough, sir, you are far too generous with birthday gifts and what not,” I said. “After one more paycheck I’ll have enough money saved and it will be just in time to get out
of her place.”
“Good. It sounds like you got this but if anything comes up don’t be afraid to ask me for help, okay?”
We both knew I wouldn’t, but I appreciated his offer anyway and I knew he meant it.
“Deal,” I said.
He got up with the popcorn bowl and took it into the kitchen and I followed because he always had good food around and that was one generosity I couldn’t pass up.
He put the bowl in the sink before he opened the fridge and pulled out a container with rice in it and another with lentil beans. He heated up both containers and poured the beans over the rice and grabbed two spoons out of a drawer.
We ate in a comfortable silence until he said, “So, I know we decided parties are lame and all, but I got invited to the annual spring kick off at Jesse’s next Friday.”
“We always get invited… every single year.”
“Right,” he said. “we do, but–”
I was taken aback by how anxious he was acting as he was bouncing his leg up and down and it was shaking the table.
“But?” I looked down at his hands that were fiddling with the container I was trying to eat out of.
I put my hand over his to stop him as he said, “Ashley asked me if I was going to be there and when I said no, she asked me to at least think about going.”
“Which Ashley?”
“Lane,” he said awkwardly as he watched closely for my reaction.
I quickly covered my mouth as I started laughing because Ashley Lane was known as our town sweetheart. If he wanted to go to a party for her that meant he was interested in her, so that was a confession of sorts and one I was not expecting.
“She’s the one? Head cheerleader, student council member, and let’s not forget Miss Christmas pageant winner every year since she was thirteen, Ashley, or …. is there another Ashley Lane?”
“We had calculus together last quarter and I was surprised to find out she’s not only smart, and nice but she also has a fun personality. She’s not all big hair and pom poms like one might assume.”
“Oh, wow. So, you really like her. I can’t believe she is the one you were too chicken to tell me about!”
His cheeks had a red tinge to them. “I don’t know, I need to get to know her more and there isn’t enough time to talk in class. So, I want to go to the party, and I can’t go alone. So please? Don’t leave me hanging,” he said as he clasped his hands together and begged.
“Jesse is basically your second-best friend and he personally invited you so how would you be alone?”
“I’d be alone in this since he doesn’t know I like her.” He shook me. “I need you there.”
“Fine.” I gave in even though as I said, parties were risky for me to attend.
My mother didn’t keep track of me or tell me where I could or couldn’t go, but she still freaked out about it once I was home. Last time I got caught coming home late from a small gathering she had been drunk, so she lectured me about upholding our image for over an hour. Which was hilarious considering she had already ruined our image well enough on her own. She had screamed and paced the living room while I sat completely still on the couch as she told me that I was a bad girl and that she didn’t deserve a daughter like me.
“Thank you!” he said excitedly.
“This is still weird.” I considered them as a couple. “I mean you’d be cute together but since I know you both personality-wise it’s like mind blowing.”
“I know. I feel the same. I’m crossing over to the dark side,” he said, “so remember to pull me back if things go awry.”
“I’m pretty sure you are the dark side in this situation because she seems as pure as they come. But I promise I will look out for you nonetheless.”
“Thanks, you won’t regret going!”
I smiled even though I doubted that he was correct.
“Oh, yeah, Micah is going.” He tried and failed to look nonchalant.
I took a bite and chewed slowly before I asked, “What exactly is your point?”
“I just thought you might like to know, I thought perhaps it would make you want to go.”
I almost choked on my food at his wild suggestion. “Why in the world would you think that?”
“It just seems odd you know, the way you are with one another.”
“Go on,” I encouraged.
He put the bowl away since we were finished eating and when he turned around, he had a frightening smile on his face. “Well, since you asked.” He walked back to the living room and I followed reluctantly.
“I didn’t ask for this.” I had to make myself clear before he continued with some nonsense that I already knew I didn’t want to hear. “I’m simply being a supportive friend by listening to what you are about to share.”
“Semantics,” he said.
“Not quite.”
He waved my comment off. “But as I was saying, it seems odd, the way you guys have taken to arguing when you don’t even know each other well.”
I nodded my head because I didn’t have an explanation for that one. Even considering our past interaction our level of hostility towards each other was unwarranted.
“There’s you, trying so hard to avoid him, and don’t even try to deny that because you’ve never walked around school like you’re scared of what could be around every corner before.”
“Fine. You done?” I asked.
He shook his head and pushed his glasses up. “Then there’s Micah. He’s far too interested whenever you are mentioned, so I am fairly certain that you are his favorite subject.”
I instinctively perked up but tried to play it off when he seemed to notice.
He let his smile fall before he cleared his throat. “You know Devin’s in our class as well and he talks about you quite a bit since he likes you and–”
“Not you too! No, he doesn’t,” I cut him off quickly as if my saying Devin didn’t like me was going to make it so.
He looked at me like I was dumb, and I shrank back against the couch.
“Yes. He does. But what is more interesting is that Micah doesn’t seem to like him one bit and for no apparent reason.”
Micah had been right, Devin liked me, but I couldn’t begin to understand why when he never had never expressed interest before.
“Just because Micah doesn’t like Devin doesn’t mean it has anything to do with me,” I said. “That’s an illogical conclusion to come to, and I expect better detective skills out of you, mister.”
“That’s the thing though, I wouldn’t think that way if Micah didn’t look at you as if you were the last living female on earth.” He shook his head in distaste. “It’s intense, almost uncomfortable for me to notice honestly, but anyway, there’s just something there and I think you should explore it.”
No way. He was wrong down to every detail. Micah didn’t look at me with anything but displeasure because all he saw in me was weakness.
“No, I can’t go down that road because he makes me angry.”
“I know,” he said as if it were a good thing.
He thought there was something between Micah and me, but he didn’t know that, that something was a secret I didn’t want to get out. It was about me being abused by my mother for years, and it was a secret that spoke volumes of my weakness and inability to stick up for myself.
I desperately wished that secret could be buried with me along with what I was feeling for Micah.
The truth of it was when I looked hard within myself part of the reason that I didn’t want anyone to know about my mother was because I didn’t think they would like me if they knew. I barely liked myself and that was difficult enough.
“I don’t know what the hell is going on in that little brain of his, but I know how I feel about him,” I said, even if all my feelings for him conflicted with one another. “I can honestly say that I wish he would have stayed wherever it was that he had moved away to years ago.”
“Okay.” I could tell by his tone that he w
asn’t ready to give it up, but he let it go for the moment because I was about to leave.
I walked back since it was so close, and I needed the fresh air and time to think anyway.
I wrung my hands together anxiously as I imagined what the town would say about me if Micah told everyone about my mother.
The thought was so unsettling that I knew I had to ask him to keep it a secret even though it would use up the last of my pride to do so. I was going to sound so lame. Especially when he didn’t know why I had kept it a secret.
He probably assumed the worst of me, but he knew nothing of what I had been through, he didn’t know the depth of my despair or why I had endured it for so long.
When I arrived at the trailer park, I walked straight through to the trail that led through the woods to the creek.
It was getting late, but it was still light out. The clouds were shades of black and dark blue just as they had been since the day before and I wondered when they might release the rain I was hoping for.
I was surprised when a drop hit my cheek, and I looked up to the angry sky as more began to fall swiftly. Wow, perfect timing.
I parted the branches in front of me, looked out to the creek and stopped because Micah was there, and I wasn’t even surprised because of course he was.
His back was to me as he bent over and dipped his fingers into the stream and let the water flow through and around them. The wind picked up and I watched as he remained perfectly still as his hair whipped around his head and thunder roared in the distance.
When I took a step back a branch snapped under my foot and I hoped that the storm was loud enough to muffle the sound so that I could escape without his notice.
But he heard it which was evident by the way he turned his head slightly to the side before he stood, turned quickly, and looked straight at me as lightening lit up the sky and a bolt hit the ground twenty or so feet behind him.
I yelped in surprise when a small twig flew towards me and cut me where my skin was exposed above my breasts.
He was to me before I even registered that he had begun to move. He grabbed onto my arm and pulled me into the woods.
“It’s not going to be any safer in there!” I shouted over the roar of the wind.